My heart is broken today....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
My heart is broken today....
It didn't sink in until I read your replies to my post. I stooped down to his level and acted like an idiot. The bad part is that I'm not sorry yet. I still wish that I had broken his nose. My daughter cried forever because he brought up her father whom she hasn't seen in 7 years. Her father was a very abusive crack addict. My husband asked her why didn't she confront her father when he beat the crap out me? As young as she is, I was proud of her when she responded with ...I was only a baby. WOW. How grown up was that answer and brave too. But I lost it because he had put his hands on her and hurt her(she has a bruised shoulder today) and on top of that he devastated her feelings.
I'm confused. Please someone help me put this into perspective. I really don't know if I want him home or not. Probably not. I don't want to look at him. Is this normal? Did I really overreact? Help me please because I'm very heartbroken. My husband has not ever been violent physically and now this has started up. I was always told if you let them get by with it once they will do it again. Is this true?
Heartbroken in North Carolina,
2many2count
I'm confused. Please someone help me put this into perspective. I really don't know if I want him home or not. Probably not. I don't want to look at him. Is this normal? Did I really overreact? Help me please because I'm very heartbroken. My husband has not ever been violent physically and now this has started up. I was always told if you let them get by with it once they will do it again. Is this true?
Heartbroken in North Carolina,
2many2count
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
2many:
My A was never violent. Never abusive. Never insulted me. Just was an ass.
But........
Being around a drunk a** all the time got me to the place where I was a screaming maniac. I could feel my blood pressure boiling at some of the hurtful things he said while drinking.
I got really, really scared at HOW I ACTED around him. HE BROUGHT OUT THE WORST IN ME. His illness was POISIONING ME to the point where I was out of control.
The situation you describe is even worse. He is goading you into getting physical with him. And, getting your daughter wound up too.
Remeber when you were a kid, and the bully on the playground could say things that would make you want to kill?
Stay away from the bully you are married to. NOT ONLY because of the damage he does directly, but because he brings out the worst in you. Back off. Get distance. Get yourself together.
Life is meant to be enjoyed! There are healthy people out there for you to spend time with!
My A was never violent. Never abusive. Never insulted me. Just was an ass.
But........
Being around a drunk a** all the time got me to the place where I was a screaming maniac. I could feel my blood pressure boiling at some of the hurtful things he said while drinking.
I got really, really scared at HOW I ACTED around him. HE BROUGHT OUT THE WORST IN ME. His illness was POISIONING ME to the point where I was out of control.
The situation you describe is even worse. He is goading you into getting physical with him. And, getting your daughter wound up too.
Remeber when you were a kid, and the bully on the playground could say things that would make you want to kill?
Stay away from the bully you are married to. NOT ONLY because of the damage he does directly, but because he brings out the worst in you. Back off. Get distance. Get yourself together.
Life is meant to be enjoyed! There are healthy people out there for you to spend time with!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
2many2count...
This is my opinion only......
Don't beat yourself up for what you did.
If AH ever laid one hand on one of my babes, I would go after him. I'm not saying it's right, or condoning violence in any way, shape or form. But we mothers are born to protect our young who cannot protect themselves.
take care of yourself......try to get someone you trust to watch the kids this evening and go to an Al-Anon meeting.
Hugs to you and your little ones,
Sarah
This is my opinion only......
Don't beat yourself up for what you did.
If AH ever laid one hand on one of my babes, I would go after him. I'm not saying it's right, or condoning violence in any way, shape or form. But we mothers are born to protect our young who cannot protect themselves.
take care of yourself......try to get someone you trust to watch the kids this evening and go to an Al-Anon meeting.
Hugs to you and your little ones,
Sarah
Guest
Posts: n/a
For what it's worth I think you really are doing the right thing. Once he got violent the whole situation changes. You have to be concerned for your safety and well being and that of your kids. I am sure you are scared to death right now, but you are strong and you can do this. Please keep yourself safe.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
If someone got physical with my son I'd react the same way. If you can I'd also press charges it will be a good example for your daughter to see you do that.
And yes once they get away with it once they will continue.
Domestic violence is progressive.
Ngaire
And yes once they get away with it once they will continue.
Domestic violence is progressive.
Ngaire
Friend In Recovery
Join Date: May 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 13
2many, Don't be too hard on yourself. You did what any mother would do. Mothers can be something else when someone is hurting their babies.
I just wanna share a story with you. I was your daughter once. My stepdad moved in with us when I was about 9 and for the next 7 years there was hell when he was drinking. He was a binge drinker. Now when he wasn't drinking he was the nicest man around but he was like Jekyl and Hyde. When he drank life was hell. We, my mom and I, lived in constant fear of him - fear of when he would come home, fear of what would happen, fear of when he would drink next. The last time he drank when he was with us, I was 16. He had gone off binge drinking, took his car and left - he would do this for a few days, weeks, months - we just never knew how long it would last. Mom and I had gone shopping and came home and his car was in the drive. Fear and dread came over us - not knowing what to expect. Well he was asleep in the house. We were trying to be quiet so as not to wake him. Soon after the phone rang, it was for my mom about a job for the summer for her and I. Well he woke up and started wrestling with her over the phone and tore the phone out of the wall. I said I had had enough, grabbed the car keys and told my mom - "Let's go!" I went to the truck, sat there waiting for her and she never came. I looked into the house and saw him hit her and push her down on the couch. I went in to stop him, we fought a little and then he pulled a gun on me and I ran out of the house to the neighbor's house. I told them what was going on and to call the police but before we could call the police the horn started blowing next door. We ran out and he was trying to get the keys away from my mom. She was in the truck. He saw us and left. He got all the keys except for the truck key. She came and got me and I told her that was it - that we were going to the police and press charges which we did. They said for me to press the charges since I was a minor and it would stick better which I did. We went to court and he was told not to come near me again. That got him out of our lives. This was the first time he had ever knowingly to me hit my mom or pull a gun on me. He had done other things when I was younger but when I got bigger I quit putting up with his crap and I be dang if he was gonna be hurting my mom or me anymore. I also changed all the locks on the doors.
Thanks for letting me share!
bluidkiti in North Carolina
I just wanna share a story with you. I was your daughter once. My stepdad moved in with us when I was about 9 and for the next 7 years there was hell when he was drinking. He was a binge drinker. Now when he wasn't drinking he was the nicest man around but he was like Jekyl and Hyde. When he drank life was hell. We, my mom and I, lived in constant fear of him - fear of when he would come home, fear of what would happen, fear of when he would drink next. The last time he drank when he was with us, I was 16. He had gone off binge drinking, took his car and left - he would do this for a few days, weeks, months - we just never knew how long it would last. Mom and I had gone shopping and came home and his car was in the drive. Fear and dread came over us - not knowing what to expect. Well he was asleep in the house. We were trying to be quiet so as not to wake him. Soon after the phone rang, it was for my mom about a job for the summer for her and I. Well he woke up and started wrestling with her over the phone and tore the phone out of the wall. I said I had had enough, grabbed the car keys and told my mom - "Let's go!" I went to the truck, sat there waiting for her and she never came. I looked into the house and saw him hit her and push her down on the couch. I went in to stop him, we fought a little and then he pulled a gun on me and I ran out of the house to the neighbor's house. I told them what was going on and to call the police but before we could call the police the horn started blowing next door. We ran out and he was trying to get the keys away from my mom. She was in the truck. He saw us and left. He got all the keys except for the truck key. She came and got me and I told her that was it - that we were going to the police and press charges which we did. They said for me to press the charges since I was a minor and it would stick better which I did. We went to court and he was told not to come near me again. That got him out of our lives. This was the first time he had ever knowingly to me hit my mom or pull a gun on me. He had done other things when I was younger but when I got bigger I quit putting up with his crap and I be dang if he was gonna be hurting my mom or me anymore. I also changed all the locks on the doors.
Thanks for letting me share!
bluidkiti in North Carolina
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
2many - I understand how confused and upset you are feeling - it is really hard to get your mind around an event like this. I also know that we cannot tell someone else what to do, but we can make suggestions that hopefully are helpful. I think you are doing the right thing by asking your father-in-law to have your husband stay away right now. You need time to collect yourself, and your daughter needs time too. Your husband also needs time to reflect upon his actions and what he is going to do about his part in this. I would suggest that before your husband comes home (if he does) that the two of you sit down with a third party mediator and come up with an agreement that will work for all of you. Boundaries are going to be critical now for your sanity, as well as your and your children's safety. If your husband refuses to seek help for his alcoholism, then you've got some really tough decisions to make. I know that you are at your wit's end in dealing with this - we get to a point where even the slightest thing will trigger us into a rage. That is the peak of our own sickness. Your family doctor can be a good resource at this point, as will f2f meetings if you can get to them. I don't know how old your daughter is, but Alateen might be helpful for her, as well as some additional counselling.
Keep posting, 2many - we all care about you and your kids and support you at this very difficult time.
Keep posting, 2many - we all care about you and your kids and support you at this very difficult time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
I have finally got to the crying stage of this madness. I sat alone in the bathroom while the kids were watching Dora the Explorer and I just cried and cried. I am taking medication for depression and panic attacks. This has triggered alot of anxiety and I'm feeling quite worn out. Our Alanon meetings are only once a week on Wednesdays so I can't get to one tonight even though I need it. So I'll just come here everytime I need to vent it out. I went to the library and got a book today so I'll spend my evening reading when the kids go to bed. That sort of relaxes my mind and takes me somewhere else. I talked to my mother today adn I told her what had happened and she was just devastated because he's never done something like this before. She couldn't believe it at first until I started to cry then it sank in. Its weird how alot of people go straight into denial especially family. I'm sort of stuck right now and I'm hoping that some magical answer will pop into my head soon. I know I can do this. I just have to. This is what I have to keep saying to myself to make me feel a little stronger. One thing about it, I never give up. I keep pushing until I get my life back in order. Whatever it takes.
Thank you all so much for your comments and concern.
Hugs to you all!!!!
2many2count
Thank you all so much for your comments and concern.
Hugs to you all!!!!
2many2count
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi 2many
Crying is good. Recently I don't think I've been doing enough crying. I've always believed it was cleansing so cry and vent and do what you have to do to get through it.
We are here. I don't know what I would have done without this place a month ago.....geez, its been a month since the last incident.
I survived and so will you. Hang in there. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Many hugs.
Debbie
Crying is good. Recently I don't think I've been doing enough crying. I've always believed it was cleansing so cry and vent and do what you have to do to get through it.
We are here. I don't know what I would have done without this place a month ago.....geez, its been a month since the last incident.
I survived and so will you. Hang in there. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Many hugs.
Debbie
)Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
2many,
Violence puts this relationship into a totally different light. Violence IS NOT, IN ANY FORM, acceptable! Period! You have to protect yourself and your children. I'd be looking into a women's shelter or some way to put distance between you and this man.
Just my thoughts.
I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Violence puts this relationship into a totally different light. Violence IS NOT, IN ANY FORM, acceptable! Period! You have to protect yourself and your children. I'd be looking into a women's shelter or some way to put distance between you and this man.
Just my thoughts.
I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hi 2many
How are you sweetie ? I feel for you but you know me by now and here I go..............................confused? you are not confused! you know excactly what is going on, we all do! We just choose to be confused it is easier lol. Follow what your inner is already telling you ................see all the red flags up? look at them and do what you need to do! Hiuggs
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