Let it Be
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Let it Be
This time of year is so very hard for me. Even before my ex's addiction, there was a lifetime of abuse, sorrow and holidays where no one cared about me. A childhood of no toys, as I watched other kids receive Christmas gifts and love. I always wanted that, but it wasn't meant to be for that little girl.
Today, I love that little girl inside, I comfort her, I hug her, I take care of her, but as far in recovery as I have come, it's still a battle to let go of the past and concentrate on the now.
Old resentments, sadness, that feeling that I was wronged and didn't deserve it, they all creep in, taunt me into that old feeling that I wasn't worth anything, that no one ever loved me, that I probably deserved everything that ever happened. Worse yet, I feel hatred creep into my heart for all the people who were supposed to love me and protect me and hold me. Hatred for the betrayel from people I loved.
Hatred is a horrible feeling, it eats away at your very soul.
I have forgiven my family, I have forgiven my ex, but every year between Halloween and New Years, I battle those feelings, I fight to let go. My prayers on a daily basis are to be able to let go of the past.
Letting go of the past is a hard thing to do. Especially when the hurt and pain came from the very people that you loved the most. Your spouse, your parents, your kids, your siblings. Even with forgivness and understanding and peace in your own heart, those old hurt feelings can come to the surface and take you back in time to a horrible place.
It can make you dread holidays, avoid family get togeathers and eat away at all of your hard work on yourself. It can take your peace and serenity away if you let it.
I know I'm not the only one who battles these feelings, especially during the holidays. The pressure to be happy during this time can actually make you feel worse, make you feel guilty for having all these feelings.
So I wanted to share with anyone else who fights this battle, what I am trying to do in my own life to deal with those feelings.
My gift, to myself and to the ones I loved, is to say a prayer for each of them and then one for myself. Every day, I tell myself that just for today, I will try to enjoy their company without judging them, if I have thoughts of people who wronged me, I remind myself to let it be, it's over, now is what counts, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now. I can't control their lives, all I can do is accept that they are what they are, I can't change them, so I have to decide to love them that way and let it be. I have to practice forgiveness every day.
So anyone else out there who may be having feelings like these, you aren't alone, it's OK to have these feelings, even natural.
B
Today, I love that little girl inside, I comfort her, I hug her, I take care of her, but as far in recovery as I have come, it's still a battle to let go of the past and concentrate on the now.
Old resentments, sadness, that feeling that I was wronged and didn't deserve it, they all creep in, taunt me into that old feeling that I wasn't worth anything, that no one ever loved me, that I probably deserved everything that ever happened. Worse yet, I feel hatred creep into my heart for all the people who were supposed to love me and protect me and hold me. Hatred for the betrayel from people I loved.
Hatred is a horrible feeling, it eats away at your very soul.
I have forgiven my family, I have forgiven my ex, but every year between Halloween and New Years, I battle those feelings, I fight to let go. My prayers on a daily basis are to be able to let go of the past.
Letting go of the past is a hard thing to do. Especially when the hurt and pain came from the very people that you loved the most. Your spouse, your parents, your kids, your siblings. Even with forgivness and understanding and peace in your own heart, those old hurt feelings can come to the surface and take you back in time to a horrible place.
It can make you dread holidays, avoid family get togeathers and eat away at all of your hard work on yourself. It can take your peace and serenity away if you let it.
I know I'm not the only one who battles these feelings, especially during the holidays. The pressure to be happy during this time can actually make you feel worse, make you feel guilty for having all these feelings.
So I wanted to share with anyone else who fights this battle, what I am trying to do in my own life to deal with those feelings.
My gift, to myself and to the ones I loved, is to say a prayer for each of them and then one for myself. Every day, I tell myself that just for today, I will try to enjoy their company without judging them, if I have thoughts of people who wronged me, I remind myself to let it be, it's over, now is what counts, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now. I can't control their lives, all I can do is accept that they are what they are, I can't change them, so I have to decide to love them that way and let it be. I have to practice forgiveness every day.
So anyone else out there who may be having feelings like these, you aren't alone, it's OK to have these feelings, even natural.
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((((((Frankly))))))
It is a hard time of year for those of us who are struggling with forgiveness.
I refuse to go to the cemetary this year to put the Christmas wreath on my exh grave. I haven't forgiven him yet. My RAD has but I can't.
I am thinking about all of the wonderful Christmas's that we had as a family. But now that I know what I know they are meaningless. I have so much hate in my heart. I am trying to focus on the positive things that are going on right now. RAD is doing well and that means a lot to me right now.
Last Christmas I didn't know where she was and never sent her a gift because she didn't have an address. This year She is sober and is spending Christmas with me and her brothers. I have to keep my focus on the positive.
Frankly, You and your daughter are always in my thoughts. This new year will bring much happiness to both of you with the two babies on the way.
Praying for healthy babies and peace and contentment for you and your family.
Love and friendship...........Lo
It is a hard time of year for those of us who are struggling with forgiveness.
I refuse to go to the cemetary this year to put the Christmas wreath on my exh grave. I haven't forgiven him yet. My RAD has but I can't.
I am thinking about all of the wonderful Christmas's that we had as a family. But now that I know what I know they are meaningless. I have so much hate in my heart. I am trying to focus on the positive things that are going on right now. RAD is doing well and that means a lot to me right now.
Last Christmas I didn't know where she was and never sent her a gift because she didn't have an address. This year She is sober and is spending Christmas with me and her brothers. I have to keep my focus on the positive.
Frankly, You and your daughter are always in my thoughts. This new year will bring much happiness to both of you with the two babies on the way.
Praying for healthy babies and peace and contentment for you and your family.
Love and friendship...........Lo
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Frankly)))))
Thank you as always for sharing your experiences.....your heart. This is such a powerful post...I could quote every section and relate. Living in today, accepting that we can not change anyone but ourselves and offering a prayer for them and for the strength to move forward and find comfort and forgiveness is a good path towards letting go of the past. This post is a keeper...and a good reminder when I feel myself slipping into a why me role.
Your strength through all you have experienced in life is amazing. You are in my heart and my prayers. I hope the holidays this year fill you and your family with serenity and love.
Thank you as always for sharing your experiences.....your heart. This is such a powerful post...I could quote every section and relate. Living in today, accepting that we can not change anyone but ourselves and offering a prayer for them and for the strength to move forward and find comfort and forgiveness is a good path towards letting go of the past. This post is a keeper...and a good reminder when I feel myself slipping into a why me role.
Your strength through all you have experienced in life is amazing. You are in my heart and my prayers. I hope the holidays this year fill you and your family with serenity and love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
(((((( frankly))))) i feel so sad that you went through that as a child. i love you & so do so many others. i hope you can put this in the past & you can live in today know we are powerless over other people. i try to make it a point in my everyday life if something or someone makes me feel bad about myself it is time to move on even if it means i am alone. i hope this will be your best year ever. prayers,
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
susan - thank you.
Lo - I have to make a confession to you, it's not really something I'm proud of, but there were certain family members in my life that had done such horrible things to me as a child, that as an adult, I used to take great pleasure in visiting their graves. I would stand there and want to stomp and spit on them, I never did though, over the years my anger and hatred consumed me, then one day, I stood there and I prayed hard not to hate them any more, I went to my knees that day, and questioned my faith, resented the fact that I couldn't reach in and hurt them like they had hurt me. All of a sudden, I didn't feel alone in that graveyard, I knew that I didn't need to hurt them any more, I felt my HP that day, standing right there beside me. One day, you will know what I'm talking about, It wasn't a day of forgiveness for me, it was a day that confirmed my faith. I feel close to you and your daughter, you are my friend and I love you.
((Greet))
You are an angel, thank you my friend.
((Hope))
The past is always there, it made me who I am, each season brings me more understanding and it gets easier. Thank You.
((miss pink))
Great Big Hugs
B
Lo - I have to make a confession to you, it's not really something I'm proud of, but there were certain family members in my life that had done such horrible things to me as a child, that as an adult, I used to take great pleasure in visiting their graves. I would stand there and want to stomp and spit on them, I never did though, over the years my anger and hatred consumed me, then one day, I stood there and I prayed hard not to hate them any more, I went to my knees that day, and questioned my faith, resented the fact that I couldn't reach in and hurt them like they had hurt me. All of a sudden, I didn't feel alone in that graveyard, I knew that I didn't need to hurt them any more, I felt my HP that day, standing right there beside me. One day, you will know what I'm talking about, It wasn't a day of forgiveness for me, it was a day that confirmed my faith. I feel close to you and your daughter, you are my friend and I love you.
((Greet))
You are an angel, thank you my friend.
((Hope))
The past is always there, it made me who I am, each season brings me more understanding and it gets easier. Thank You.
((miss pink))
Great Big Hugs
B
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
((((Frankly))))
I hear you, and I understand...
You speak my language.
When you are forgiving all those who have wronged you,
Please remember to forgive yourself too...
For being human...
Thank you for your honest post.
Shalom!
I hear you, and I understand...
You speak my language.
When you are forgiving all those who have wronged you,
Please remember to forgive yourself too...
For being human...
Thank you for your honest post.
Shalom!
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm not sure exactly what to say to those of you who had such a terrible childhood. I am sorry that you ever had to go through that because what I see now in you is a wonderful, caring person who should never had to go through anything so horrible as lonely childhood.
I will say an extra prayer for you to feel the joy of the holidays and everyday because you deserve it.
I will say an extra prayer for you to feel the joy of the holidays and everyday because you deserve it.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Teach))
The only thing harder than forgiving others for me has been forgiving myself. My part in all of it. As a child, I couldn't do anything, as an adult, I didn't do anything, so yes forgiving myself is top of the priority list. Hugs.
((rashue)) Thank you for the prayers. You are a good sweet person.
The only thing harder than forgiving others for me has been forgiving myself. My part in all of it. As a child, I couldn't do anything, as an adult, I didn't do anything, so yes forgiving myself is top of the priority list. Hugs.
((rashue)) Thank you for the prayers. You are a good sweet person.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
The Ghost of Christmas Past is RESENTMENT
but there is also an Angel of Christmas Past and she is FORGIVENESS.
The Ghost of Christmas Present is SELF PITY
The Angel of Christmas Present is GRATITUDE
The Ghost of Christmas Future is ANXIETY
The Angel of Christmas Future is FAITH
They say that a miracle is simply a change in perception. The miracles at Christmas are many. The choices at Christmas are ours.
Merry Christmas, Frankly.
Babs
but there is also an Angel of Christmas Past and she is FORGIVENESS.
The Ghost of Christmas Present is SELF PITY
The Angel of Christmas Present is GRATITUDE
The Ghost of Christmas Future is ANXIETY
The Angel of Christmas Future is FAITH
They say that a miracle is simply a change in perception. The miracles at Christmas are many. The choices at Christmas are ours.
Merry Christmas, Frankly.
Babs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Giving up the resentments really is a choice isn't it?
To lay down forgiveness gives us peace.
Sometimes it takes more. I haven't seen or talked to my dad in 20 yrs. When a person is too toxic in our life it is okay to cut them out of our life.
(((((((Frankly))))))) it is horrible that you were mistreated as a child. As adults we make choices how we will allow others to treat us. We make up our minds not to let the past rob us of today. I am glad that you know forgiveness. Wishing you a wonderful month.
To lay down forgiveness gives us peace.
Sometimes it takes more. I haven't seen or talked to my dad in 20 yrs. When a person is too toxic in our life it is okay to cut them out of our life.
(((((((Frankly))))))) it is horrible that you were mistreated as a child. As adults we make choices how we will allow others to treat us. We make up our minds not to let the past rob us of today. I am glad that you know forgiveness. Wishing you a wonderful month.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Frankly)))
Your post touched my heart. I think you are working through your feelings well and perhaps even with forgiveness and healing we still carry some scars.
Maybe there is another little girl out there somewhere whose Christmas would be brighter if Santa Frankly sent a little something or shared some kind words. Connecting with children helps me connect with my own childhood and there is something in me that wants to give them something I could never give myself as a child.
Special prayers going out for everyone who feels a sadness this time of year.
And Big Hugs
Your post touched my heart. I think you are working through your feelings well and perhaps even with forgiveness and healing we still carry some scars.
Maybe there is another little girl out there somewhere whose Christmas would be brighter if Santa Frankly sent a little something or shared some kind words. Connecting with children helps me connect with my own childhood and there is something in me that wants to give them something I could never give myself as a child.
Special prayers going out for everyone who feels a sadness this time of year.
And Big Hugs
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((babs)) How true. Some feelings we can control, others we can't. I'm learning to know the difference.
((spiritual)) I'm sorry about your dad. I finely got past my resentments to my dad after he had passed, no matter what he did or didn't do, I still loved him. I just wasn't a part of his life, at least not as a daughter.
((Ann))
That was my purpose for this post, not my own issues really, just that I know in my heart the feelings that knock on my door, knock on so many others door as well. Opening up, talking, acknowledging them, no longer trying to pretend that they aren't there, all are healing for me. I know that so many out there suffer in silence, and it doesn't have to be that way. I no longer want to get rid of them, I now want to walk through them, confront them and no longer be ashamed of them.
Merry Christmas everyone, you are all such beautiful examples of what the season and the holidays are really all about.
B
((spiritual)) I'm sorry about your dad. I finely got past my resentments to my dad after he had passed, no matter what he did or didn't do, I still loved him. I just wasn't a part of his life, at least not as a daughter.
((Ann))
That was my purpose for this post, not my own issues really, just that I know in my heart the feelings that knock on my door, knock on so many others door as well. Opening up, talking, acknowledging them, no longer trying to pretend that they aren't there, all are healing for me. I know that so many out there suffer in silence, and it doesn't have to be that way. I no longer want to get rid of them, I now want to walk through them, confront them and no longer be ashamed of them.
Merry Christmas everyone, you are all such beautiful examples of what the season and the holidays are really all about.
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Frankly,
I haven't even prayed not to hate him. I want to go to the grave, but I haven't been able to. I don't know if I want to stop hating him yet. I am still in therapy and it is really hard for me sometimes. I wish my RAD would go into therapy, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't talk to me about it at all. It seems that my world as I thought I knew it is gone. Sometime's I feel emotionally dead. No feelings at all.
You hold a special place in my heart, Frankly. My feelings come out when I read your posts. I cry, but that is a good thing, because I can feel once again for the little girl in you that is lost. I want to reach through this computer and hug you tight.
Know that you are loved and cared about more than you'll ever know.
(((((Frankly))))).........((((((Lo))))))
I haven't even prayed not to hate him. I want to go to the grave, but I haven't been able to. I don't know if I want to stop hating him yet. I am still in therapy and it is really hard for me sometimes. I wish my RAD would go into therapy, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't talk to me about it at all. It seems that my world as I thought I knew it is gone. Sometime's I feel emotionally dead. No feelings at all.
You hold a special place in my heart, Frankly. My feelings come out when I read your posts. I cry, but that is a good thing, because I can feel once again for the little girl in you that is lost. I want to reach through this computer and hug you tight.
Know that you are loved and cared about more than you'll ever know.
(((((Frankly))))).........((((((Lo))))))
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
To little "frankly"
:day4
a gift of prayers for continued healing, serenity, and peace not only during this season which brings up painful memories, but for every day of the year.
Rita
:day4
a gift of prayers for continued healing, serenity, and peace not only during this season which brings up painful memories, but for every day of the year.
Rita
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Lo))
I feel your pain. I have since the first time you posted. Your mind only allows you to "feel" what you are capable of handling at the time. In little bits and pieces. Numb, is a protective coating until you are ready. One day, I'll get to give you a real hug.
((Japic))
I took care of that little girl through my daughter. I bought her every little doll and doll toy out there, and a bike, and pretty clothes. And Yes this grown woman sat with her for hours playing dolls and dress up. I get to do it again when the baby comes. I soooo look forward to that. Hugs.
B
I feel your pain. I have since the first time you posted. Your mind only allows you to "feel" what you are capable of handling at the time. In little bits and pieces. Numb, is a protective coating until you are ready. One day, I'll get to give you a real hug.
((Japic))
I took care of that little girl through my daughter. I bought her every little doll and doll toy out there, and a bike, and pretty clothes. And Yes this grown woman sat with her for hours playing dolls and dress up. I get to do it again when the baby comes. I soooo look forward to that. Hugs.
B
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