sjr

i have spent the week trying not to be obcessed, reading my book~co-dependant no more...trying not to go crazy over my AD.

last night, i lost it,...rather she did. she asked me for money to go port city java before school. i said no, it was not a necessity, and i have already told her she gets no more money from me until i get a clean drug test from her.

she says she can't give me one because she has smoked pot in the last 30 days so it won't be clean...my response was when i get a clean drug test we will talk about it again.

so the rage began...not the rage of a pothead mind you...do they actually rage? but the rage of an addict, my addict, typical behavior. name calling, telling me it's my fault, blah, blah, blah...nothing new. it's always "if you could just trust me"...that was all in the past...THE PAST??? how about a week ago! technically the past, but not quite long enough for me!

so this morning my obcession took over again. i went through her room. didn't find any drugs, but plenty of straws and baggies. if i had to guess, she would have lots more in her purse. which she keeps close by. funny...i keep my purse close by too...it's been my bed partner for a year! but for entirely different reasons!...my hope is that my money and medication will be there in the morning so i sleep with it!!...it's lumpy and doesn't snuggle very well mind you!

i am trying to detach and not to worry obcessively, but it's really hard for me. she is only sixteen. i hear rumors about her all the time. and believe me they are quite ugly. i'm not sure that i am getting the hang of "Let go and Let God". i am trying. but at her age, i don't think i can. i have heard her on the phone tell other people (not me)...that she was thinking about going back to live with her Dad...that she just hated me and couldn't stand living here. i never let her do anything!...funny, cause she pretty much comes and goes as she pleases. with or without permission.

the more i try to help her the more she just becomes P'd off at me. "I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM" she says...other than me. i am her problem! if i would just leave her alone, everything would be allright! it's like living with dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. you never know how her behavior is going to be. i grew up in a house with an abusive alcoholic step-dad. i almost feel the same way...the difference is now i am grown, in my own home, and i still walk on eggshells. she has the control in our home, and i don't know how to get it back!

i've set my boundaries i have tried to take my life back. i was doing good for a couple of days, and then....well....same 'ole stuff....she doesn't come home, i sit up all night worrying. or she does come and she is high as a kite.
i've definately gotta work on me some more. i was hoping that when she got beat up that would wake her up...nope, of course everything was "their fault"...she didn't do anything to deserve that...i snooped on her myspace (she left it open) and learned alot of interesting things....none of them good.
and though she didn't deserve to get beat up by three people...she wasn't just sitting there twiddling her thumbs either....

just a vent, haven't been posting lately, but i do come here every day to "see" you guys...

sometimes this is better than the SCREAMING that i want to do!!!!!!!!!
thanks for listening.....S

cece1960

((((Sjr)))
I think we have to go through the whole process (including obsessing) before we can begin to process anything close to acceptance.
It was very very hard for my to "accept" that my son was an addict, and being so, he would be acting like one until he made changes.
My son was 19...I can imagine him being only 16 would have made things even worse.
Would it be so bad for her to spend time with her dad?
It sounds like you need a break from the chaos
I imagine thats an understatement.
Wishing you brighter days ahead
((((Hugs))))
Cece

newsandi

Sjr, Your post truly rings home to my AS. I walk on egg shells all the time when he is around. He blames me for everything and he hates me. And then there are times where he can be as sweet as pie, but that normally ends with I need money. I am so far in debt because of him and I dont see a end to it. He is living in my rental property and not paying rent BUT I dont want him back home because he cause too much drama. I feel for you, I remember when my son was 15 - 16 and he was out of control then also. Me and his stepdad have had numerous fights, I had to leave my husband because of these problems. The only positive thing I have going is that I dont have to deal with it on a daily basis. Just know you are not alone and I am defintely right there with you. Good luck to you. If I would of had a dad to send my son to when he was 16, I would of jumped on it. But his dad is no good and wouldnt take him anyway. It might be a good idea to send her there. I know its hard but maybe then she will realize how she has been towards you but dont count on it, my son calls me names and screams at me and I could never imagine to say those things to my worse enemy and he will never say he is sorry. I just dont understand. Hang in there.

holdingouthope

sjr - I do not have children but I do have an addicted husband and battle with obsessing and worrying about him. One of the things that helps pull me out of that downward spiral is to remind myself that no amount of worrying or compulsively searching for clues of use is going to do any good...in fact it does more harm to me. He's going to do what he wants to do, whether or not I am worrying about it. I have a little post-it by my bed that has the 3 C's on it - if it's 3am and he's not home I just pick it up and read it to remind myself.

Spiritual Seeker

sjr hang in there

hope213

it is hard but we r here.keep reading, you will get it. prayers for you & your daughter.hugs, hope

sjr

thank you guys for your support
~believe me, if i could send her to her Dad's i would. the problem is a did that already, over the summer. she was gone for 3 months. she would show up on my doorstep even then just to harrass me. she gave her dad almost as much as a hard time as she gives me. I don't think he got the name calling though. ~long story short, he called me and said...she has to come back to stay with you or i am going to end up in jail...i didn't ask what he meant...i figured he was near the brink of beating her a$$.....so,i don't think he would take her again. if i can hang on till she is 18 i know she will leave that day. she is getting a settlement from a car wreck she was in...i did set it up that she won't get that much money when she turns 18. (i picked the lowest offer i could and stretched it out as long as i could)...but it'll be enough to get her out the door...but......that is still a year and a half away...

dontcha wish lovin' them and wantin' so much for them to get better worked!

newsandi

I always thought my lucky age was 39 years old, my son would be 18 and I would be free. It unfortunatley istnt working that way for me. He doesnt live with me but he is costing me a fortune. I just spent $1300 on fixing his car that I owe $8000 on is probably only worth what I put in it, for the mechanic to say it still is not running. And why is this, because he beats the hell out of it. I wouldnt of paid to have it fixed but if I dont, he will beg and beg and plead to my poor mother until she gives him her car and he will tear that one up too and that is all she got. He lives for free in a house of mine and I cant throw him out because then he will move in with my parents and I dont want them to have the stress. So hopefully 18 will be your lucky number, its not mine.

Done_With_It

There's a good book called Come Back about a Mom and her young daughter you may want to read, and how she learned to detach.


(SJR)