hopeangel

well everyone. i found a great place to live. i had just had a talk with ah in the morning about him wanted to call the realtor to put the house up for sale and that he would sign for dissolution once we did this. i told him i would probably call on monday, but started crying, knowing that would be a VERY difficult call to make and not being sure if i could actually do it.

so, i left and went shopping with my mom. on the way back stopped at the apartment complex i was thinking about living as they did not return my call. i believe they were full anyway. so, we drove on a street two blocks from my house and there it was, a for rent sign in front of these REALLY nice apartments. so, JUST to explore my options i said what the heck and called and left a message. the person on the machine sounded like the realtor that sold us our home (ALSO a family friend). he called back in five minutes and it was him, so i told him everything. within a half hour the realtor was standing right there showing the apartment and at our house looking at it to put it up for sale.

ah was there. he was caught off guard i am sure. i called him and told him to clean up the house real quick. started crying on the phone with him as i had explained to him that i was looking at an apartment.

the apartment is everything that i could need or want in a place to live. it has EVERYTHING! my own garage, washer dryer, porch, walk in closets, really nice furnished kitchen. EVERYTHING IS NEW!!! it is two bedrooms. it would be an extremely easy transition to make. easy to move as it is only two blocks and i could move slowly and come over to the house whenever i want to help get it ready to sell.

i just can't believe it all happened so fast and really without me having to do a thing. i was not even planning on talking to the realtor. didn't have the courage. it was kinda like hp said "okay, i know you can't do this on your own and you don't have the answers, so i'll do it all for you" i mean-this has to be fate and what is meant to be. why else would it happen like that????

i haven't signed anything yet. i told him to let me have a day or two.

i don't think ah ever thought i would actually do this. he is still asking if we can be together. if we can still see each other and date, etc. telling me that I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS! - but at the same time not commiting to rehab or quitting drinking. he was drinking last night after this all went down. so, what does that tell you?

lots of second guessing today. people asking me when i am going to move. family that had not even know anything was wrong was told today that ah and i were seperating. this is really hard because they had got married just two weeks after ah and i.

i still love ah. i know hard to understand, but i do. i don't have anger or resentment towards him. i understand that he is sick. i am so torn.

my brother also put doubt in my head because he doesn't understand that i still have hope for ah. he says that if i am not completely done with him that i shouldn't move out.

i don't want to make a mistake. i guess it is really just sinking in that this is actually happening and i am very sad, scared. walking out on a marriage is a REALLY big deal.

i told ah that if he decides he wants to go to rehab or quit drinking or change that i will be there to support him. i told him that i love him.

oh, and it is a month to month lease, so if i change my mind or it doesn't work out i am not obligated to stay there.

ICU

~Smile~

Yes, I believe that your HP put it in front of you, but, 'you' were the one that made the call. So let's give some credit where credit is due!! Good for you!

Remember...'breathe', and 'take one step at a time'....as in focus on you and your potential new place first! Everything else will fall into place...and the related emotions too!

I'm so happy for you Hopeangel!!!

hopeangel

thanks, i just feel really overwelmed and kinda pressured right now. i kinda just wish i would have just taken the place when he was here yesterday. i'm kinda losing courage now lots of doubt and second guessing.

it just all happened so fast. i think if things are not going to change with ah i would be crazy to pass such a nice place up though for myself.

Spiritual Seeker

Think of it as a trial separation...mayber that will be easier language/idea to live with for now. Remember the slogan : "nothing changes if nothing changes."
Be strong and follow your instincts.

ICU

I know it's hard when you still love him. I still loved my ex when I signed the papers ending our relationship. But what I've learned in the process is to love myself...more!

You remind me so much of myself when I was contemplating ending my relationship. Sooo many questions, doubts, what-ifs. It's only natural for your brain, and emotions to go through that.

In the beginning of the end of my relationship I almost second guessed myself to death. But I took a leap anyway, without knowing all the answers. The time had come, and it was the right thing for me to do. Everything seemed to fall into place. I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to live in a happy home...one that I've created for myself, and my furkids!

All the answers came in time, when they were supposed to. Have faith!

Barbara52

When I was looking to leave my AH, I just happened to be taking a friend to look at apartments. I had a little chat with God and told Him if I was meant to leave, just maybe he could find me a palce that would take 4 cats. Well, the first place my friend looked at was wonderful, I ahd a chat with the leasing agent and she said I could bring all four cats. I applied immediately.

God does indeed answer our questions, sometime very directly!

Accept this blessing and know that God is looking out for you. {hugs}

ICU

I was looking for this when I first read your post. I finally found it but wasn't sure if I should post it or not. Then I read Barbara52's post above and that settled it for me. Here it is....

God and the rowboats

There's a story of a pious man who very much believed in God. One day, at the place where he dwelled, it started to rain heavily and it rained and rained, and a big flood came. He went from the first floor to the second floor of his house and the water rose until he was on the roof. Someone rowed by and said, "Get in, my friend, I'll save you; the water is rising." He said, "No, I believe in God; I really have faith; I believe." So he sent the rowboat away. It rained more and the water got all the way up to his neck. Another rowboat came by, picking up people. "Get in, my friend, I'll save you." "No, thank you. I have trust. I have lived my whole life. I believe in God; no need." The rowboat went away. It got up to his nose so he could just barely breathe. And a helicopter came over and lowered down a rope. "Come up, my friend, I'll save you." "No, thank you. I believe, I have faith, I trust." So the helicopter went away.

It rained some more and he drowned. He goes to heaven after that. Soon after that he gets an interview with God. So he goes in, and he sits down and pays his respects, and then he says, "You know, I just don't understand. Here I was your faithful servant. I was so trusting, and prayed, and so believing, and I just don't understand what happened to me." And he recounts all of his circumstances. "Where were you when I needed you?" God looks up and kind of scratches his head and says, "I don't understand it either. I sent you two rowboats and a helicopter."

hopeangel

how do you come to terms with the marriage is supposed to be forever part...
and the in sickness and health part????

i really couldn't do this without all of you!!!

DesertEyes

Hi there hopeangel

Pardon me if I jump in so late in your thread. I had that same question when I was leaving my ex. The way I figured it out is that a marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership. _Both_ people are supposed to give 100% effort to making the marriage work. When one person stops giving the 100%, it's not a marriage anymore. I could not carry my marriage by myself, all I was doing was cleaning house for an addict. The marriage had ended a long time ago, I was just in too much denial to see it.

The "sickness and in health" part works the same way. My ex had no interest at all in getting any kind of recovery for her addiction. None. She's supposed to put in 100% effort to get herself well, and she wasn't. I was putting in my 100%, but without her participating in her own recovery, it was just a waste of time.

My ex-wife made the _same_ promise to her HP as I did when we got married. I kept my part of the promise, far longer than she did. From what I've read about your situation it seems to me like you've done pretty much the same.

Mike

dakota69

Hopeangel,
I just wanted to let you know something that I've been telling myself and my AH since I left him.
We have to sell our house in order for us each to be able to split the equity and buy our own individual places. When I was having him sign the listing contract for the house, I told him that I wasn't filing for divorce today, we were just going to sell the house. We needed to be apart. And If things changed down the road, it was just a house, we could always buy another one. It's just a house.
I keep reminding myself of that.
Now that I have seen how AH has been acting since then and how he has not allowed me to get the house on the market yet and is dragging his feet and still drinking his beer every night, I am learning a little bit more about him each day. And I think I am at the point where I will be able to file for divorce once this house stuff is dealt with.
But small steps first. One step at a time.
For now, you need to be apart and in order to do that, the house needs to be sold.
It's just a house.
A new house can always be purchased.
You can always get back together if that's what you want.

Today you need to look after YOU, just for today. Tomorrow, the same thing. But one day at a time.

Get that house for you - it sounds great!!!

Good luck.
Dakota.

Barbara52

These questions are one reason it took me so long to leave AH. I meant to be married for the rest of my life when I said those vows.

What ended the questions (mostly) for me was the realization that AH had violated our vows and left me long before I moved out of the house. He did not honor his marriage vows, for a very long time. A man who totally abdicated his responsibilities, who could ignore me and my needs, who refused to defend me when I was insulted in my own home, who did nothing but believe and act the victim, and refused to be an equal partner. He wasn't even coming close to honoring his marriage vows. I would have stayed if AH accepted responsibility, got into a recovery program and began to live his vows. He chose not to do so.

I also know in my heart that God did not mean for me to stay in a marriage that was a sham of what God intends marriage to be.

keepingmyjoy

hopeangel....second guessing goes with it all...at least it did for me! I think when you are in your new home, and there is peace and quiet and kitty is safe and comfy, you will find that your second guesses fall by the wayside. They did for me. I am not saying you will not have various feelings, good and bad, but the peace you find will help you think through all the other decisions with a clear head!

Congrats on moving/acting on the push from your HP!

FormerDoormat

When a chance for happiness falls into your lap, TAKE IT.

hopeangel

"When a chance for happiness falls into your lap, TAKE IT."

thanks, FDT that brought tears to my eyes.

this hurts like h@@@ i just don't know how else to say it.

FormerDoormat

It only hurts like hell for a little while. Joy and happiness have a way of stomping out the pain.

nowinsituation

Hopeangel

I think you are absolutely right that your HP guided you to that apartment. This is the right thing for you, right now. Don't talk yourself out of it. I have been separated from AH for a little over three weeks. I spent months deciding to move, then changing my mind. I lost a deposit on my first apartment because I didn't move into it. I leased this apartment and paid rent for 2 months while it sat empty waiting for me to decide what to do. However, since the first day I moved in I have not regretted it one bit.

You will be amazed how being away from the situation will clear your mind and let you see things more clearly. And remember, you are not doing anything that cannot be undone later, if that's the decision that you ultimately come to.

miss communicat

whether or not he drinks or quits is still not addressing the fact that he is physically and verbally abusive, to animals and, at least emotionally and verbally, to you, and it is for THIS reason that you are seeking safe shelter.

LaTeeDa

We codies always remember the part where WE promise in sickness and in health. But, we always seem to forget the part where THEY promise to love, honor, and cherish. He wanted you to have sex with him in exchange for money. That's not a husband. That's a john. Did your vows include prostitution?

I'm so glad this incredible opportunity has been presented to you. The only question now is, will you take it?

And remember, nothing is forever. If he comes to terms with his problem(s) and gets help and over time, becomes someone who is worthy of your love and devotion, you can always go back.

L

NoChoice

I remember driving down the road after we left marriage counseling (BTW my counselor was married to an A at one time and had a similar row to hoe as me! That is God) I was sobbing dragging him to counseling telling him I couldn't stay watching him stand at the line he drew for himself not able to step over it and meet me in the middle. It was oxymoranic because I knew I had to leave, wanted to leave, needed to leave but I still wanted him to try and he was absolutely incapable of that. I too found a place to stay, got a moving truck same day, and a storage place....I cried to each of the people I interacted with along the way...the lady that sold me my boxes, the lady that rented me my storage...on and on. I felt like a wide open wound and someone pours sea salt in there...It just hurt so bad. I know if I had any hiccups along the way, I probably would have run right back into the insanity and still been sitting there waiting for it to get better. "If God brings me to it, he will bring me through it." I love hearing how HP works in other people lives too. Thanks.

hello-kitty

That's great news about the apartment. I'm very happy for you. I think you'll find life much calmer and you'll have a little peace to think about your future.

PS. Speaking from my own experience, whatever you do, don't give him a key.