hopeangel

thanks wantsout - you just have a way of cutting to the point that i love...

thanks miss c

queenteree

Hopeangel, Just my experience - the first time my AH went to rehab (many years ago and was sober for 14 years) he did it for him (even tho I left him), he made the commitment to himself. I did not support him in rehab that time, didn't visit him, didn't answer his letter, I changed my phone no. and had no contact with him for a few months. We finally reconciled, had 14 wonderful alcohol free years before he relapsed 6 years ago. Finally, in May 2007 I told AH that I was done, I was leaving, it was over. Had places all picked out and in the works. AH threatens suicide and drinks himself almost into coma, son calls ambulence, AH gets taken to the hospital, calls me screaming to get him out of there, I did not. Two days later, he comes home, has the rehab number and already called and set up to come in. This rehab costs us personally almost $5,000.00 not to mention the loss of 3 weeks of his pay. But we felt it was worth it to get him sober and in recovery. It worked the first time, right? We (both of us) take him up there, I drive home alone, maintain everything at my house alone, went to work every single day, visited him every weekend to support his recovery, he called me 3 times a day, telling me all he learned, etc., how sorry he was, how comitted to his recovery he was, etc. I still believe he was sincere (AT THAT TIME!). Says as long as I stayed with him, it would be all good. Well, it was for 98 days and since those 98 days, I've had three full months (and going on a 4th month) of hell!!!!! He is worse than ever!!!! He went to treatment for all the wrong reasons. He did it to save our marriage and because he knew I was going to leave. Had he did it for himself, he would have a better shot of being sober today. Now he has decided to leave me because my court order is interfering with his God given right to drink and as long as I keep my order and he is living in the house, he can't and must get treatment. He will be moving out sometime this week, which will mean that they won't enforce the treatment part because he won't be living in our home. After all of the above, he still chose alcohol. Just my experience, hope it helps.

LaTeeDa

He has the choice no matter what you do. Always has, always will. You are not his mother. He is a grown-up man who has made many choices leading to you not wanting to live in the same house with him. Why do you feel guilt over that?

I hate to say it, but using your staying to force him into treatment is a lot like him using your settlement to get you to have sex with him. In both cases one person is trying to force the other to do something they don't want to do by dangling something they want over their head.

Make your choices based on what is best for you, not how you can control him into doing what you want.

L

hopeangel

very insightful queen.

thanks lateeda - i just feel like i am on the edge of a cliff -hanging over the edge- or a high diving board -wanting to jump, but............. scared to death!!!

i'm right there hesitating before the jump and the longer you think and the longer you wait the harder it is!!!

Miss Pink

Hope-

Alcoholism doesnt give a snot about Christmas. Stop romanticizing your relationship. The disease is in full control of him, and obviously you now it seems.

God has offered you a new way to live, in peace and no fear.

Why doesnt that appeal to you?

When I was in the deepest level of my addiciton to an alcoholic, I was afraid to leave the sh*t filled relationship because I had developed a taste for sh*t. I was convinced it tasted good and was all I deserved. WHen I had enough, I left.

It doesnt taste good anymore.

Are you willing to try to develop a new taste in your life?

FormerDoormat

Then allow me to push you. Timber....

hopeangel

fdt -lol-thanks- your the best!

Barbara52

So stop thinking it to death and act! Your HP has already made your path clear and easy. What more are you expecting?

hopeangel

yeah barb, it is kinda hard to ignore...

hey, i just thought of something else. if nothing else, me having my own place would be a great way for me to enforce boundaries for myself. i have said that i do not want to have any dealings with him or be with him when he is drinking....well...a little hard to enforce when your living together right.

if i have my own place. i can still have contact with him BUT on my terms. i can not be there when he is drinking. i can hang up the phone if he is drunk. if he gets verbally abusive or trys physically i can leave. then, i could have my only dealings with him the way that i want them....with the sober person that i still have love for ONLY....the minute that person is not there or oversteps a boundary i can leave.

queenteree

Hopeangel, sounds like a plan, baby steps, and my guess is when you finally do get your own place and can set your boundaries, you will see things in a whole new light. You may not even want to deal with him at all.

hopeangel

thanks queen

hopeangel

okay after my therapy session tonight i think i've have found what i can handle right now.

the therapist suggested that i just take VERY minimal stuff with me right now.
i was really struggling with leaving AH with no furniture and moving everything -not knowing what is going to happen. i did not want to be in a position where i had friends and family move everything and then if i decide that it is not what i want having to move everything back and forth.

i will take a bed, a loveseat, and tv. everything else i could take if and when i am ready.

it was all too overwelming for me - baby steps. this can just be for a month. like a trial thing. see how it goes. i can still come home if i want or i can stay. next month-i can make another decision.

i can still see ah if i choose -BUT on my terms. i don't have to be around him if he is drinking. i dont have to subject myself to verbal or physical abuse. i can leave or hang up the phone any time i choose.

i can just try it out and see how it feels-like everyone was saying.

the only thing i can see as a problem is that i may just be prolonging things when i need to just move on. the only other problem i see is that i will not have a lot of the comforts of home with me. also, it is a place that does not take cats, BUT i am planning on trying to sneak her in. I CANNOT BE WITHOUT MY CAT!!! also, this is a very expensive trial. it will cost me a lot of money, but money is just money right???????

i might get kicked out for having the cat. i really like this place though. i don't think a landlord can come unannounced can they? i should be able to have time to get the cat out before he would make any visits don't you think? i would just have to keep her out of the windows, right?

what do you think?

LaTeeDa

I think it sounds like a good plan.

As far as the cat goes, you were trying to find someone to take her. So maybe one of those options could be plan B if the landlord has a problem. I doubt they would kick you out immediately, but they might insist that the cat has to go.

As far as not having the "comforts of home," I found that I wanted less and less of my familiar things as time went on mostly because they had unpleasant memories attached to them. I ended up getting new stuff, slowly, as I could afford it. I have very few things left that were part of "our" life. It's my life now!

Small steps are what this journey is all about. Once you take the first one, the next one is a little easier.

L

hopeangel

lateeda, i have to clarify that it is my 15 year old cat. she is never any problem. the one ah had the problem with is our 1 year old. i don't know what to do about her.

i know i can't live without my 15 year old though.

LaTeeDa

It's still a good thing to have a plan B. Just in case........