hmbld

I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread, but a post by LateeDa http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/1567329-post18.html got me thinking...

I've been spending quite a bit of time thinking over this personality trait within myself. I am a people pleaser to the extreme. But I'm not so certain that this is a bad thing. It will be something I will never be able to change in myself, it is who I am. And I'm okay with that. What I am trying to curtail and change, is the feeling that I "NEED" to please everyone, and back away from situations where I am being taken advantage of and my actions to please go counter to what is good for me.

I am a people pleaser because everyone in my family is a people pleaser. It is how I was raised. My family, all of them, are givers. What has always stuck with me, is my Grandmother telling me about living through the Depression era and that they had absolutely nothing, but no matter what, there was still room at the table for anyone who needed a meal. And yeah, I suppose that comes off as a bit hokey, but it's always stuck and it's always how I behave. Even if I know I'm being taken advantage of, I will still give and give and give, and do and do and do.

Anyway, I'm kind of rambling and my thoughts really aren't flowing as clearly as I had hoped, so I'll finish up and revisit this later and hopefully be able to clarify a little better.

cagefree

I like this thread topic!

I too came to realize that I got something out of pleasing others, to the point it was unhealthy. When I looked at why, I didn't like what I saw and set out to change it immediately.

I thought it was altruistic, but it was very hedonistic and it wound up hurting me.

As a codie, I woke up every day and based my happiness on what others around me felt. If they were not happy, neither was I. I was also taught that if others depend on me, they won't leave me. So, if I went out of my way for someone else, I thought they would always stick around. Of course, I later discovered this was not true.

Today, the only person I try to please is myself. Once I take care of me - I then may choose to or not to do something for someone else...but the motives are entirely different and there is no personal cost on my part.

hmbld

You know, the weird thing about my people pleasing, is that I honestly don't care how people feel about me, if they like me or they don't. I just have this compulsion to "do" for people. I guess I'm trying to figure out a good balance. I don't want to completely rid myself of being a giving person. I just need to come to learn how to scale back a bit.

My sister is and my father are ten times worse than me when it comes to doing for other's. My sister burns the candle at both ends and makes herself crazy taking care of the world. My father (who is a former A) has always taken care of everybody else besides himself AND my mother, which is the biggest issue with him. He can do anything, and he does to anything and everyone. From vehicle repairs, to home improvement projects. He does it all for everyone except his and my mom's house. She has a million projects that need done, but there is always someone else's project that needs done first.

I guess the reason I'm bringing them up, is that in understanding them, maybe I'll understand myself.

denny57

Why don't you think you'll be able to change it in yourself?

Barbara52

One of the most important words in any language is No. Being a giving person is a wonderful thing to be. Unless giving means putting yourself into a distant second place. Its hard to say know when you are a giving person or a people pleaser. You want to help out, to be there for others. But it is possible to help others, to be there for them without ignoring your own needs, including limits on your time.

I learned to be a people pleaser growing up as a defense mechanism to growing up in an abusive alcoholic family. I learned to avoid the bad reactions (sometimes) by doing what made people happy whether it was a good thing for them or me. I unlearned that behavior in college to a great extent. But it still pops up now and then. But I have learned its OK to say that little word No when helping, pleasing or whatever for someone else is not the right choice for my time and needs and am coming to see more instance of when my helping/pleasing is actually harmful to that other person.

hmbld

Maybe because I really don't want to change that part of me? I mostly want to understand it. And then the rational side of me figures that when I understand it, then I can make the choice as to if I want to change it. Does that make any sense?

I like being a people pleaser, I just really need to grasp that sometimes my helping does more harm to other's than it actually helps. The biggest was helping my A hide his problem for so long. I need to learn to focus my helping personality in to more positive areas, such as charity work and such.

Rella927

I have learned that pleasing myself first and foremost is what in return makes it healthy when I please others. I do it because I make the choice to help someone if I can help them.

It took a long time to realize that the people pleasing I was doing was harming others and myself. Today I thank my HP for guiding me in the right direction that I needed to take for myself.

At first the feeling was raw of actually being a pleaser to myself but today it feels wonderful!

Hmbld you will find what you need to change in yourself when you keep working and it sounds that you are on the right path. It will come to you and only you and that is when you will know what to do and how to do it. And then there will be only the rational voice inside-

You can do change keep supporting yourself and know that you CAN!

hbb

Great thread!!!!

Ummm Barbara, I'm not familiar with that word, is it another language lol!!!!

Can i just tell you that i am also a people please to an extreme fault. It's the one thing i'm really really trying to work on with my therapist. Someone could say "hi" in an off tone and i would automatically kiss their butt because i had to "fix" it because i did something wrong apparently. No, it's not the case after learning more and more.

Here's an example....I put it into action, my brother will more often do NOTHING for me but wants the world in return so one day he called me from work (a nursery) and wore the wrong shorts to work and asked if i could bring them to him, i said NO because the night before he couldn't help me for one second. So i didn't bring them, thought he would come home pissed off at me but wasn't, i think i finally gained some respect from him and it felt good.

It's definatley a work in progress but i think slowly it can be turned around, it's another aspect of "nothing changes if nothing changes" your not alone!!

:comfort

Barbara52

We are all works in progress Heather. That's the way its supposed to be, don't you think? If we aren't progressing in some way we are stagnating.

hbb

Oh definately, every stage is a work in progress, and hard work at that, it took me 33 years to say no once!! It's the hardest thing i'm learning to do. There have been many many times where i've caved and pleased the other person because i'm not quite there yet. It's easier to practice on my brother lol!!!!!!!

I lived in my relationship with J, that if i said no or didn't do something for him that he would leave (not that he expected it). It's not a good feeling, that's for sure.

GiveLove

hmbld,

That is such a great question. And such a thoughtful way of answering yourself.

I used to be a people-pleaser and loved to do for others.
Just for others.
Not necessarily for me.

It's as though I was a second-class citizen in my own life, only worthy of my own tenderness after everybody else was taken care of. That certainly wasn't healthy.

I still love to do for others. I love to make people smile and laugh. I'm one of those people now, though, and always make sure that I get the lion's share of what I'm dishing out. I love to make myself smile and laugh more than anything, I think.

As for others, I've learned to think carefully about what I do for people. Is it really benefiting them? (as with an A) Are they asking me to do things that they should learn to do, ask me to catch their fish rather than learn to fish? (I often volunteer to teach people) Am I compromising my OWN daily happiness in the name of boosting someone else's? Do I feel 100% good about it when I'm done?

I still do things for people. But it comes from a place of logic AND love, and I can't remember the last time I regretted doing something for someone, because it now comes from a pure place. Gosh, it's been years.

So I wouldn't want to NOT please people either, as long as my own needs are met. As long as I'm one of those people, and I'm standing in the front of the line

DesertEyes

I have learned in al-anon that there is a difference between helping those who can _not_ do for themselves, and taking away a persons ability to do for themselves by doing it for them.

Your grandmother fed those who _needed_ a meal. She did not put her own family in hunger to feed somebody else who was perfectly capable of feeding themselves.

A people pleaser will harm themselves or others in order to silence their own demons of insecurity. I used to be that way. A people helper will help others to become independent and capable of helping themselves. That is the kind of person I have become as a result of the program of al-anon.


Mike

atalose

When you begin to learn how selfish being a people pleaser and constant giver can be, you begin to understand the why's of why you do it. I learned I was pleasing people and giving as a way to manipulate and more importantly control someone else. I always wanted to be liked, to be praised and what better way then being a giver and pleaser to receive that reward.

I pleased by lying about or pretending addiction did not exsist in my home. I pleased by not sharing those family secrets which would embarrass my mother or father. I followed in my mothers foot steps by attempting to please my father in order to make him calm while in a drunken stupper. I pleased by holding in my feeling and not sticking up for myself when dealing with a drunk father. I pleased by keeping my mothers secret of a happy home while we all were drowing in my dad's alcohol.

I also gave because I wanted to, I gave my time to volunteer organizations- something healthy. I give to my friends, family for the reason I like to give not because I somehow feel compelled to or any other reason.

I don't give in order to enable, period. I don't please to hide, manipulate or control another person.

I give because I want to give, not because someone else has set that standard for me. I give because I choose too, not because it looks good to neighbors or strangers outside of my home so they think every thing is wonderful and great.

The greatest gift of all is to give and not have the need to share that with anyone at all. My mother is a good person, she gives but needs to be recognized for every effort she makes.

Understanding the foundation of giving and pleasing helps you make healthy decisons for yourself.