eat it 2

So why is it my exabf can admit that he believes he may be a sex addict and want to do something about it and completely ignore the alcohol issue?

I honestly had no idea what he was "up to" prior to us trying to have a relationship again. He was really upset and crying when he told me and even insisted on holding my hand as the only form of physical contact for the rest of the evening, which is really unusual for him. He walked the half mile home instead of staying over as he usually did.

He was, of course, drunk when he revealed all of this to me.

I was left scratching my head and wondering what had just happened.

Any experience with this?....thoughts?

prodigal

What happened was you had a close encounter of the addict kind. Maybe he felt that confessing would be good for his soul. Chances are that his little bombshell was nothing more than the booze talking. Addiction is addiction, whether it's alcohol, sex, gambling, perfectionism, codependency, whatever ...

Maybe he's a sex addict, and maybe he isn't. I can only speculate as to why he would admit to one supposed addiction and not another: A's are generally unwilling to admit they're A's because then they'd have to do something about it - such as get into AA or rehab. On the other hand, if it's expedient to do so, an A will admit he or she is hooked on booze and still do nothing about it. Frequently they'll admit it defensively in a way that shouts, "So what, I'm an alcoholic, now are you satisfied?" That sort of defensive posture has nothing to do with seeking treatment.

One thing I've found to be predictable about the A's that have come and gone in my life - they're unpredictable.

SaTiT

Not really sure want he's trying to say..he probably won't remember it that next
day.

I like sex just as the next guy.

but that's just most stupid thing anyone one can say. Do you buy it ??

Is he saying he dosn't love or care you and you're just a piece of meat to him ?
because having sex with you is just an addiction.

or is he saying he just wants to get into your pants all the time
and work on the relationship later.lol

or he has sex with you already and saying he has no emotions for you ?

Is his saying he's having sex with everyone or anything that walks down the
street ? if so...would you want to jump into bed with him again ?
there's plenty of disease ya know...if he's drunk and having sex all the time
with everyone becuase his addicted...if he was drunk..do you think he remember
to use projection or even care ?

Or is his trying to get a free pass becuase he cheated on you and saying
he has an addiction and didn't know and wasn't in control of it ?

or is he saying if he has sex with everyone,you shouldn't trip.lol
becuase he has sex addiction, But you can only have sex wtih him.lol

It dosen't make any sense..dose it.
It makesense if he manipulating you.

I've been the most bottom drunk. Not once did i not remember
what happen before leading up to the sex part, during sex, and after sex.
will if i had a black out...I'd either be pass out and not having sex would
I. Yes there's the drunkeness, and it's a blurrrrr
but if I can pick up another drink or order another drink...I relatively knew what i was doing.

Pick-a-name

This is what crossed my mind,too.

Or..... hoping you'd think him being "just an alcoholic" might be something you'd see as OK if you thought in these terms.....

Who knows and ultimately,does it matter? I am finally realizing all the time and energy I have spent/wasted trying to make sense of nonsense. I think this "conversation" you had with your A might fit into that category,too. Who cares WHAT it is.....is he going to DO anything about any of it? I'd be tempted to say, "don't call me,I'll call you....maybe".

"Close encounter of the addict kind"......yup; I think that sums it up!

Good luck and glad you are here. Your post got me thinking about a few things,and that is helpful.

hmbld

My opinion is, that alcoholics will come up with every affliction under the sun to deflect from the real issue, which is the alcohol addiction. At least that was the case with my "A". I spent YEARS running around in circles with him trying to help him fix the underlying causes that he said made him drink, when the reality of it was, he was an alcohol addict, plain and simple. Everything else he came up with was simply a way to justify to himself and to other's as to why he drank.

denny57

My experience taught me I want no further experiences with alcoholic "sex addicts." His issues are just that, HIS.

Barbara52

Sometimes I think people think by labling their behavior as an addiction, they think they are giving themselve a lovely excuse for that behavior. After all if they are addicted, they aren't really responsible, right? I mean its a sickness and you don't hold people responsible for being sick, right?

Sometimes harmful behavior is just that, harmful behavior.

GiveLove

My X was a sex addict and an alcoholic. It's difficult to say which came first, the chicken or the egg. They sort of go hand-in-hand: using behaviors or substances to "make it all better" in their hearts and souls, but it never works. Sad.

Was he trying to say, "I'm a sex addict, but LOOK! Look how great I am...I'm only going to hold your hand! I love you that much!" ? I had an episode like that once too.

I wanted to ask him if he would like a medal for that. I was a lot meaner then.

eat it 2

Thanks for your replies.

This all happened as we were breaking up. No I wasn't trying to continue a sexual relationship with him. I did ask him if he was protecting himself. He said, "sometimes". Well that got me to feeling nauseated and angry, to say the least. Not something I want to climb into bed with.

As my Axbf and I already went through a major breakup 3 years ago, during which time I had NO contact with him, believe me, I went through the 'what ifs' and 'why's' until felt on the verge of being committed. This time the phase feels as if it's already passing. I listen differently now. I do (did) just that, listen. It's amazing what someone will reveal to you.

My feeling was he was not revealing that to me to get me to be okay with it and all to allow him to continue to sleep with me. My sense was more that he no longer wanted to have sex with me because then he would be addicted to our relationship.
And that terrified him because he knows I would have settled for nothing less than true intimacy the second time around-- something he's not capable of.

Sexual addiction was just not something I had ever experienced, so I was hoping to gain a little insight from my friends here who might be familiar. From what I have learned from my time here on SR, I'm guessing that it's something that has affected a great number of us.

You guys are right. He's an addict. Doesn't matter what his current addiction is. I can't get suck into it.

Are we co-de's addicted to drama? It feels like it. Would make sense, as I grew up with it.

I feel better and believe I am really working things out every time I post here. This place is amazing.

Barbara52

If you haven't already done so, get yourself tested for STDs.

GiveLove

Yeah.....unfortunately, eat, that would be a good idea.

I hope that your X finds his way. He sounds like a sad, lost soul. But mostly, I'm so happy about where your mind is going with this. It already seems like you have found the path, and are starting to walk it. I admire you.

I think that I was addicted to drama. It took a long time to find the incredible beauty in everyday things, everyday moments, without all the tension and stress to spice it up. Now I look around myself and say, "Wow. Where was this all my life?"

SaTiT

it's mess up..I think that's one of the reasons i stay longer and tried
to work things out for all those years. The dating stuff scares me a bit,
becuase you don't know what you're going to get.lol
I was secure in the sex department as far as std.

Things gets worst in all departments....i guess.
never thought it would get that far.
Infidility had to come in..I don't know, she 'll complain ,
i don't touch her like i use to...some, people, some people.lol
maybe it's becuase she jump into bed with someone else ??? hello ???

that's why i find this codependency strange.
In my previouse break up, (long term).I spent days scrubing myself..maybe i'm wierd
but that woman never cheated on me. i felt like i needed to scrub her
soul out of me or get her out of me before i can even move on.

fluffyflea

Deflection?


Ngaire

tryingtoheal

but...guess what?! i just found out i have an STD from my 'sensitive, loving, wonderful' xabf. it didn't rear it's ugly head until now. my doc said i was so stressed that my immune system shut down a bit and now i'm std-girl! what a lovely reminder of the man that i was about to marry!

it's a terrible thing to look in the mirror and try to stop blaming your suddenly-realized codie behavior. you will be mad at yourself, him/her, your life wasting away slowly without your realizing it, etc. but listen to everyone on here...it DOES get better. cry when you need to, be hysterical when you need to, feel shame, guilt and everything else...but never, NEVER blame yourself for someone else's behaviors because of their 'addiction.' while it may not be a 'personal' attack on you, i find it VERY personal that someone cannot amend themselves to be who they truly are, under all of their addiction mess. denial or not, i am pi$$ed off, hurt, confused and lonely for the man i loved. but most of all, having been addicted to pain killers for two years, i pity my xabf for the fact that he is so far gone that he can't even see straight.

ignore my ranting...i am just pi$$ed right now. just be careful. i find it inexcuseable to use 'addiction' as a means to place blame on one's own actions. right and wrong are my definitive. you just have to decide if you are willing to adjust to a gray-zone to accept addiction as an excuse for the hurt he/she is causing you...

Barbara52

{tryingtoheal}

I am so sorry you have this added problem on top of all the rest.