tryingtoheal

he just emailed me that he loves me and misses me. we had no closure of our six-year relationship...just me finally learning A LOT and reading everything on here and taking sudden stock of my situation. very textbook case...it is humbling to admit, but i am what people fear most...the core of what everyone else feels, so not as unique as i once perceived myself...

i am full of bitter, resentful anger. how do i respnd to his innocent message?

do i email him back and say, 'hey, thanks for stonewalling me with your sick denial for seven days after i finally confronted you after six years of my own self-destruction because i couldn't stop weighing in on the fact that i 'owed' you for helping me with certain issues in my life...and i once thought you were worth fighting for? but guess what? i am worth not only YOU fighting for me, but ME fighting for ME. and that beer in your hand right now, yeah, the one you are drinking to 'make yourself calm' when we finally talk after your stonewalling actions, shows that YOU do not love even yourself and are therefore rendered stunted in the 'love' department, and i need all of you, not just one-thrid of you. take it or leave it...but do not call me untill you wake up and look in the mirror and are serious and i can actually see results, not only in your not drinking, but also in your distorted attitude and behaviors.'

but WAIT! i AM unique and amazing. wtf have i been brainwashed into thinking about myself...?

i hate myself for being co-dependent, i hate alcohol for making my ex-abf mr. hyde...but most of all, i hate that we all had to meet under these circumstances. i appreciate all the people who contribute, and i appreciate all of the 'guests' that read all the posts. good luck to us all!

Barbara52

Personally, I would not respond at all. What would be the purpose other than to get sucked back into the drama?

CBrown

Tryingtoheal, there is a .5% chance that I'll get an email like yours some day, so I'm trying to think how I would respond to R.

R,
Thank you for the kind email. I've been so busy with my life (the horses, camping, violin, guitar and stained glass lessons) that I haven't kept up with what's up in your life. Are you in recovery from your alcoholism? I sure don't miss the chaos that caused in my life! Boy, was that a destructive situation or what? If you're still an active alcoholic, remember I always wish you embrace sobriety and care, even if I don't love you romantically anymore. I simply will not allow myself to be in a toxic relationship. You still love and miss me? I thought you were back with Georgeanne and getting married. I wish you the best with your future together!"
C

Sorry folks, I couldn't completely do "no contact." I have nothing to fear, though, as R will never contact me again and I'll make any bet on that. He's got his enabler caregiver right where he wants her, and I thank God every day that I don't have her job.

Rella927

Well.....this catches my eye "Ex-abf" he is an X leave it that way there is a reason for this! Keep it this way if you want to recovery from your co-dependency!

Why not try to work on elimanating that "bitterness and resentments and anger" ?? And IMHO the e-mail is not "innocent". I know I use to make excuses for mine and really I was only making excuses for myself because I did not want to be alone. I love being alone today! Because I'm HAPPY!

IMHO I would write a letter back to him if you feel the need but KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND DO NOT SEND IT! I fell into that trap so many times with my XABF if it was not through e-mail it was through the phone or in person! The sad thing was I was doing it to myself! I was allowing myself to be sucked back into a very unhealthy situation-he was still drinking, lying, manipulating because his comfort zone of everyday life which allowed him to keep drinking was falling apart when I decided to take care of myself! I was becoming stronger and his was getting weaker. I played on this merry go round for awhile- and it did not make things any better for myself and he kept doing all the things that he always had! I felt that by talking to him I was safer and it kept him quiet and not yelling, throwing things etc...but I was wrong-I was acting like I always had when I was a child which is what got me into the situation to begin with. I had fell backwards once again!

I got e-mail after e-mail stating how sorry....quack quack...how much he loved me ....quack quack...the sad thing is he loved the bottle more than anything in this world-and today after 2 years and months of no contact he is still destroying his life by making choices that are wrong for himself-he has tried to e-mail me and there is a restraining order against him-I did not report the e-mails because I thought for a brief moment that I did not want to go to court again blah blah but the reality is that I need to report things and let him deal with his actions/choices because they are no longer my problem but his and to no avail is still driving by my home, and other places that I go no matter how much I change my routine! And yet still feels that he is not responsible for his actions-his choices but, he is and will be as long as he keeps making the choices that he does.

My advice to you is to try as hard as it maybe to keep the focus on you and your recovery-seek out an Al-Anon meeting-it is worth giving it a try! Keep posting here-and if you feel that need to write to him -write and let everything out but please take it from experience as others will tell you too-do not mail it because you will only be setting yourself up for more hurt and pain and I know that is not something you want to feel anymore, allow the sun to shine on your face! Go do something that you enjoy and try to take your mind off what could have been and start living in the present moment!-Keep your chin up and you will get through this!

good_luck

heh.

Um, I would probably have trouble not responding myself. Here's the thing. With these people it can go from the "nice" things that we want to hear back to the ugliness very quickly. I have an overwhelming desire to always end things on a "nice" note. So, if you do not respond, that is accomplished. That said, I think that I would respond and try to keep it pretty neutral. My advice would be not to respond, but I don't have any illusions that I would take that advice myself, even though I knew it was the best course of action.

((())))

ARealLady

Beware the hook! Or as Earthworm would comment: "Hooky, hooky, hooky"

There is no arguing with an active A. Even if he receives your very logical and rationale statement when he is sober, he will wait until he has drunk again before replying (that's when he gets his nerve up to say the really hurtful stuff!) and all your carefully worded arguments will have been twisted and distorted by him.

In short, it's a vicious circle. Your best move is to journal your feelings and/or post about them here but do not share them with him. Block his emails and send his calls to voice mail. That's how you will get closure for YOU.

It appears to be working for me.

Hugs to you, Trying. One day at a time.

ARL

CBrown

"IMHO I would write a letter back to him if you feel the need but KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND DO NOT SEND IT!"

Great point! There are a lot of times I emailed R something only to smack myself on the forehead and say "DUH, why did I DO that?" a day or so later. How about writing a blistering, "you @(#*#&$!!!!!" email and do not send it. Then the next day modify it, and the next day do the same .... but never send it. Or heck, post it on here every day! I'll be here reading your "email" posts and cheering you on all the way! I really, really believe in venting about these SOB As, and we all know that venting on them is worthless. I'm telling you, take a piece of advice from my XABF. He said the best way to hurt a person is to walk away and never look back. I'm taking his advice.

denny57

I would not, and have not, responded.

GiveLove

For as long as I responded to those messages, I did not heal and did not get better.

The day I set his email address to auto-delete was the day I truly started to get well. Up until then, "I deserve better" were just idle words I was mouthing to myself.

It takes strength to admit that your life is better off without alcoholism and without him. And even more strength to act on it by hitting "delete."

Hoping you can find it in you, trying.

Hugs,
GL

CBrown

Denny and GL you both have a great point. My XABF for years has never had a problem hitting the delete button on me.

tryingtoheal

thank you SO much for all of your responses. i sit here, humbled, and now I fully agree with you all. despite all of the odd circumstances, stories, etc., you wonderful people are so right on.

i am a fool. i am ashamed to admit that i saw al-anon as a cult-tactic to reign in codependent suckers like me...but alas, i am no sucker and nothing in here is totally al-anon and i have actually been once to al-anon and now i GET IT. god help us all...this addiction-disease is sickening...i don't know if i should cry in relief of my realization that leaving my abf was a fantastic idea or cry with loneliness for him; but at least i know that i have everyone on here to bounce ideas off of and grow with. love and great thanks to you all!!!

NoChoice

I rec'd one of those email's once. Not sure if I got anymore, I blocked his email address and anything he sends in the mail is automatically "returned to sender" DRAMA! Don't need it Don't want it... The pain will go away, it did for me and many, many others.

Mr. Christian

Ok here's what you do.. ready?
Here it goes........YOU DO NOTHING.

Kellye C

I went through this with my ex-ABF. At first when he would e-mail me I would just hit delete but if I didn't delete it from the trash folder his unopened message would just sit there staring at me. Curiosity would get the best of me and I'd end up opening the stupid thing and all the yucky feelings would wash over me. I'd relive the anger and the hurt and I'd want to lash out. I wouldn't respond but just reading his drivel was harmful to me. The power those e-mails held was unbelievable. It was my sponsor and this group here who told me to get rid of them completely. I am very thankful for that advice and I now pass it along to you.

He had my ***** e-mail which I marked as spam and blocked so I couldn't see it. I didn't have that option at work which is Outlook so I created a rule that automatically deletes it.

It's been a couple years now since we broke up. A couple of times he changed e-mails and send me one that the filter wouldn't catch (I'd just block it too) or he'd e-mail my mom. I haven't heard from him in a while and I don't know if he stills sends the things or if he finally gave up. It doesn't matter. I have moved on with my life and just got married in September to man I had been friends with for several years.

With regards to the ex, whether he continues to e-mail me or not, for my purposes ignorance is truly bliss!!!!

Take care,
Kellye

freya

Well, when I was separated from my then-very-dry-drunk partner for a year, the only e-mails I sent her were ones about the logistics of her moving her stuff out of my house. She did try to draw me into some drama -- but I ignored it (Did not respond to those e-mails and/or address it in the logistical ones to which I did respond.) At one point, after her stuff was gone, she did send what (from reading only the first line) seemed to me to be shaping up to be a very ugly one -- I returned it to her without reading further and attached a copy of Floyd P. Garrett's "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships." That put an end to it very nicely. If it hadn't, my next step would have been to block e-mails from her address -- I don't actually know how to do that, but I would have gotten someone to teach me real quick if I'd had to.

Here's the questions that really helped me when deciding to engage with her or not: What am I going to get out of "talking" to her about this? What is really going to be any different than it has been in the past? What am I likely to hear that I have not heard before? Is there anything I need to say that I haven't already said?

If the answers to those questions are: Nothing, Nothing, Nothing, and No, then all you are doing in responding is going back for more of the same --- and if that's what you need to do, then that's what you need to do.....but just remember: A or codie, we each reach our bottom only when we decide to put down the shovel...

Take care of you -- freya