Ahimsa

Hello again SR! It's been about 8 or 9 months since I last logged on, and I am finding myself falling back into the uncertainty and pain that I was in this time last year. Guess it goes to show that this is a life-long healing process, huh?! Last January, I cut off contact with my alcoholic mother, and moved across the country (which made detaching much easier for sure). I continued to post for several months after, attending several Al-Anon meetings, and bought a few Al-Anon books like Hope For Today, and How Al-Anon Works. I continued to not talk to my mother for 5 months, and then caved on Mother's Day when she called to say hi.

We started our relationship again on that day with the understanding that I wanted full and complete honesty. (I know you are all laughing inside, because I am sure we have all been there). And of course, she has lied lied lied since. Apparently, during our time of separation, she chose to go to her last probationary hearing (from a previous DUI) drunk, and she drove there. So they impounded her car and she spent 2 weeks in jail. She has never told me this, I found out from an aunt. She also has continued to drink since then, and I continue to stick around.

So my question to you all, is WHY? Why after all of our attempts, all of our struggles, all of our pain, do we continue to stick around? I wrote such a heartfelt letter (if you search "Letter to mom..." in this forum, you can find it) that it made me cry tonight when I re-read it. I was so raw, sincere, and vulnerable, and I put it all out there for her, and I still have seen nothing. I think her disease is getting to a point where it's affecting her entire "self", and even on days she is sober, she just isn't the same mom I grew up with. Her entire image and demeanor have changed, and she looks SO ill.

I am debating whether or not I should attempt cutting her out of my life again. On a good day recently though, we agreed she would pay half my rent if I got a 2 bd apt in case she wanted to stay there sometime. (she works near my apt, and my parents house is rather far away from her new job. in case of bad weather, she wanted a place she could stay the night if she needed). So now I am stuck sharing rent with her (that is too expensive to try to pay alone). I guess I could take up another job or more hours to make up for her half, if it means finding some inner peace with myself. I know this has been pretty long-winded, but I feel like I have so much to catch up on since I haven't signed on in so long. Is anyone else trying to detach from a parent, or have experience with it? God bless you all...

misslisa

I guess you have to ask yourself the question as to wether or not your willing to 'put up' with her behaviour again. You cant have expectations on her. Yes she is your mother, but she is also an alcoholic. Her issues probably go pretty deep. have you ever talked with her about her drinking?

Not about how her drinking affects you, but why she drinks?
Does she admit she has a problem, is she seeking help ... if so could or would you support her to get better?

Im just saying this because I have many friends that continue to abuse alcohol and drugs and they dont want to change. so I have cut them out of my life. My family stuck by me while I was boozing it, at times they were over bearing, but in the end they were the ones that stuck in there, and I am glad they did. (6 months sober and clean now).

Your in a sticky situation, keep us posted. and I wish you all the best.

misslisa

Taking5

You are asking the wrong question in: "Should I attempt cutting her out of my life?"

If you are ready, you should cut her out, not attempt cutting her out.

See the difference?

If you are not ready, you are not ready. Attempting to cut her out is like a 'trial separation' in a marriage. What's the point? If you're ready to leave, then leave. There is no need to have a big NASA-style countdown to do it.

Ahimsa

Thank you both for your replies...

Yes, I have tried talking to her. For about 10 years now its been a big battle, in and out of rehab, several run ins with the law, etc. And I agree, there is no such thing as an "attempt". It's an all or nothing kind of thing. I think I just have to bite the bullet and make a decision.

Thank you

Ahimsa

Went and visited my Mom today, to say hi and pick up a few things at my parent's house. It was early in the morning, so I think she still was hung-over from last night. But it just struck me so suddenly how ill and how old she looks. She used to look about 5 or 10 years younger than she is, and now she EASILY looks about 10 years *older*. It only took about 2 or 3 months to see that change, but it's been very rapid. And also pretty depressing to see her like that. I think I am going to write *another* letter (probably #50) and let her know that I am going to detach myself from her again. Hopefully this time I can keep my support system strong enough to continue for a long enough period of time to let myself heal. Now that I know she has NO INTEREST in changing herself and her habits. It only took 10 years, a try at rehab, outpatient rehab, 2 DUIs, 2 probation officers, and 3 stays in jail for me to realize there is no change in sight - but hey, better late that never to start my own healing program, right??? Thanks all for listening, it's just enough knowing there are internet-ears ready to lend a shoulder Have a happy day

GingerM

Darn right! Think about what your life would be like if you didn't start to heal. To be like this forever until either you or she dies. Oy. Not a pleasant prospect.

Midnightfrost

ahimsa,

I understand your frustration. Isn't it weird when you make a decision like moving in with your mother and part of you is living in that fantasy that they'll actually be your mom but then that other part of you is yelling NO NO NO. Denial is so powerful. At least that's how it felt for me when I made decisions I knew weren't good for me. It's been a long process for me too. I think I'm finally learning to listen to that part of me that's standing up and speaking up for me. That part of me that wants my mom still hurts but the other parts of me that want to be a whole healthy adult with healthy adult relationships and a full well rounded life are feeling better and better! My advice would be patient with yourself but be persistent. The more I stood by me and my boundaries the better I felt and the more stable my life got. The more I stood by my boundaries the more I realized the world wouldn't end if I said no and mom's words were mean and awful but they didn't bring my world tumbling down. I've ventured further and further out of the dysfunction addicted life of my mother and things have only gotten better!

Ahimsa

Thanks midnightfrost Yeah, it's so hard to let go of that place in my mom's life that I used to fit into. That place that alcohol took over. Still havent' sent the letter I wrote, but probably because my parents already made thanksgiving dinner reservations, and it would be awkward to see her after she read the letter. So I'll just wait till after. Thanks for all the support guys It's so helpful when I'm feeling lost.