New mom to forum...Tired and seeking support
New member seeking support
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Penticton, British Columbia
Posts: 5
New mom to forum...Tired and seeking support
Hi,
I have been reading this forum for a few days now and have decided I can only receive support if I put myself out there...I plan to go to a Nar-Anon meeting this week for my first time but there is only one meeting a week and I think I might need more support than they can give me.
My story...
My youngest daughter is almost 17 and my loving husband and I have spent the last 4 years battling either her drug addiction or her depression. We live in Canada so there are few options for treatment for youth and her poor psychiatrist has gone to the mat for us all but the reality is that mandatory commitment is a rarity here for mental health, and never for addiction. The few treatment centres out there require the youth being willing to work on their addiction.
We have been through a lot...her addiction, leading to an abusive boyfriend who put us in danger, to a wonderful gift of several months of clean and sober, to eating disorders, to suicide attempts as she waited for a trial for her abusive ex, and a recent relapse to Cocaine and/or god knows what. The good news was that she called detox the next day and got herself into a centre for a week. The bad news is, I picked her up the other day and I am almost positive she is already using again. She had a 28 day stabalization bed set up but has refused it...big message there, isn't it?
We love her so much...she thinks we do nothing but judge her but I know we can't live her life for her and quite frankly, I am amazed at the attempts she has made to get better given the hard teenage years she has been through. It is so heartbreaking to watch her fall, knowing I can't control this. At least I know this on one level but on a deeper level, I still can't quite believe there isn't a way to reach her in some way.
I am sick about the thought of going through the downward spiral we experienced before, and even worse is the thought that she will just give up and die. So, fear is driving me crazy some days....
Having said this, I know I am better than I was 4 years ago, where it wasn't only fear, it was terror. My daughter is almost an adult now and I have to respect that she has a right to her life...it is almost too cruel though. We had just begun to hope and trust again and now...?
Anyway, thank you for this forum, I appreciate having a place to come. Any advice would be welcome!
I have been reading this forum for a few days now and have decided I can only receive support if I put myself out there...I plan to go to a Nar-Anon meeting this week for my first time but there is only one meeting a week and I think I might need more support than they can give me.
My story...
My youngest daughter is almost 17 and my loving husband and I have spent the last 4 years battling either her drug addiction or her depression. We live in Canada so there are few options for treatment for youth and her poor psychiatrist has gone to the mat for us all but the reality is that mandatory commitment is a rarity here for mental health, and never for addiction. The few treatment centres out there require the youth being willing to work on their addiction.
We have been through a lot...her addiction, leading to an abusive boyfriend who put us in danger, to a wonderful gift of several months of clean and sober, to eating disorders, to suicide attempts as she waited for a trial for her abusive ex, and a recent relapse to Cocaine and/or god knows what. The good news was that she called detox the next day and got herself into a centre for a week. The bad news is, I picked her up the other day and I am almost positive she is already using again. She had a 28 day stabalization bed set up but has refused it...big message there, isn't it?
We love her so much...she thinks we do nothing but judge her but I know we can't live her life for her and quite frankly, I am amazed at the attempts she has made to get better given the hard teenage years she has been through. It is so heartbreaking to watch her fall, knowing I can't control this. At least I know this on one level but on a deeper level, I still can't quite believe there isn't a way to reach her in some way.
I am sick about the thought of going through the downward spiral we experienced before, and even worse is the thought that she will just give up and die. So, fear is driving me crazy some days....
Having said this, I know I am better than I was 4 years ago, where it wasn't only fear, it was terror. My daughter is almost an adult now and I have to respect that she has a right to her life...it is almost too cruel though. We had just begun to hope and trust again and now...?
Anyway, thank you for this forum, I appreciate having a place to come. Any advice would be welcome!
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
HavingFaith,
Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking. My son is the addict in my life.
He's almost 26 and lives with his gf, who is 10 years his senior.
She's not an addict, nor has never been one. She is, however, bi-polar
and very possessive and controling of him. He has since began seeing a therapist
and is on a prescribed medication for bi-polar symptoms, as well.
At 19, my husband and I, confronted him about drug abuse. He was living with a gf at the time, quitting job after job, and just not "looking" normal.
I found out he was shooting heroin into his veins. I thought his and my own life was over.
I remember when I was 13 and my older brother, who was 22, drowned in the river.
Later, it came out that he was a iv drug user and lots of stories were told of why he was in the river. Running from police, his dealer, suicide, ect.
Anyway, alot has happened since I had my own son arrested for robbing from my home. He's better for one, but most important, I'm better. I found sr., read alot, and found a nearby naranon meeting.
I hope you'll continue to come here for support, prayers, and a shoulder to lean on, now and again. It saved me.
I have lots of stories to tell concerning my son and the many girls that he's been involved with,that were drug addicts, too. Some, your own daughter's age. It's heartbreaking to hear about young people using and getting addicted to drugs. Especially, young girls. I have a daughter, myself. She's 21. If she ever used drugs or became addicted to drugs, it would kill me. For now I'll close, but we'll talk again, soon. Sending prayers up for you, your family, and your precious daughter.
A new sr buddy,
Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking. My son is the addict in my life.
He's almost 26 and lives with his gf, who is 10 years his senior.
She's not an addict, nor has never been one. She is, however, bi-polar
and very possessive and controling of him. He has since began seeing a therapist
and is on a prescribed medication for bi-polar symptoms, as well.
At 19, my husband and I, confronted him about drug abuse. He was living with a gf at the time, quitting job after job, and just not "looking" normal.
I found out he was shooting heroin into his veins. I thought his and my own life was over.
I remember when I was 13 and my older brother, who was 22, drowned in the river.
Later, it came out that he was a iv drug user and lots of stories were told of why he was in the river. Running from police, his dealer, suicide, ect.
Anyway, alot has happened since I had my own son arrested for robbing from my home. He's better for one, but most important, I'm better. I found sr., read alot, and found a nearby naranon meeting.
I hope you'll continue to come here for support, prayers, and a shoulder to lean on, now and again. It saved me.
I have lots of stories to tell concerning my son and the many girls that he's been involved with,that were drug addicts, too. Some, your own daughter's age. It's heartbreaking to hear about young people using and getting addicted to drugs. Especially, young girls. I have a daughter, myself. She's 21. If she ever used drugs or became addicted to drugs, it would kill me. For now I'll close, but we'll talk again, soon. Sending prayers up for you, your family, and your precious daughter.
A new sr buddy,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by HavingFaith 
We love her so much...she thinks we do nothing but judge her but I know we can't live her life for her and quite frankly, I am amazed at the attempts she has made to get better given the hard teenage years she has been through.
You mentioned that she thinks that you do nothing but judge her. I don't know if that is true or not, but it really doesn't matter. She thinks that you do and that is all that really does matter. Denying that you are not judgmental will only make things worse. Apologize to her for being judgemental and don't say something like, "I am sorry for being judgmental, but your drug abuse hurts us very much". Do not follow up your apology with any but whatsoever.
I know that it sounds kind of crazy to be asking an addict for forgiveness when she is the one who is causing you and your family tremendous pain, but trust me, I know what I am talking about. As long as your daughter thinks that you are judgmental of her, she is going to shut you out of her life. Just tell her that you are sorry and give her a big hug. Addicts are very lonely people because their addictions prevent them from establishing meaning relationships with others. Deep down inside your daughter is yearning to have a relationship with you but she simply can't at this point.
I have some more comments and advice for you, but I have to go for now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. i am glad you found us but sorry about your daughter. there is not alot you can do to help your daughter if she is not wanting to accept the help. we want to lock them up in the closet or tie them to the bed but that don't work either. there is alot of infomation here on this site.i am the mom of a 36yr. old crack addict & as much as i love him i can not fix him.he was drinking at 17 & by age 23 in prison due to drugs.we have to let them find there on way.she is so young, i hope she finds her miracle.read around the post here.there is alot of caring people & we are here to support you. saying a prayer for you & your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome. Sorry another parent has to live w/ this hell called addicition. My daughter is also an addict and I feel your pain. The only thing that helps is SR, prayer and meetings. You didn't cause this, can't control this, and certainly cant' cure it. Stay around, read and post. A great bunch of parents here who will walk w/ you each step of the way.
susan
:praying
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by ccirider
You mentioned that she thinks that you do nothing but judge her. I don't know if that is true or not, but it really doesn't matter. She thinks that you do and that is all that really does matter. Denying that you are not judgmental will only make things worse. Apologize to her for being judgemental and don't say something like, "I am sorry for being judgmental, but your drug abuse hurts us very much". Do not follow up your apology with any but whatsoever.
I'm afraid for him, a hug and an "I'm sorry" would have been his ticket to keep comfortably using.
I do understand the shame that addiction brings, but at times the inability to maintain meaningful relationships is whats help to bring the addict to the point of reaching out. That was the case with my son.
I don't pretend to know how the addict thinks, but I do know a little about how we loved ones think and trust me, we've already tried loving them out of their addiction.
(((Having Faith))) I'm glad you've joined us. There are many of us here who are, or have been, where you are with your daughter.
I hope you'll stick around and let us walk with you for a spell.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
:praying Welcome, I just joined this forum a few days ago and let me say, as you probably feel, it's a club I'd rather not be a member of.
But that aside, I have found support and understanding from a wonderful community who know the pain better than anyone else.
I have an AS, age 20. I can only wish you the strength to deal with the ongoing struggle. I'm going to my first Naranon meeting tomorrow night.
My thoughts are with you.
But that aside, I have found support and understanding from a wonderful community who know the pain better than anyone else.
I have an AS, age 20. I can only wish you the strength to deal with the ongoing struggle. I'm going to my first Naranon meeting tomorrow night.
My thoughts are with you.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
I totally agree, Cece.
I pleaded with, begged, and completely surrounded my 19 yo son with love and
understanding. I got him into a methadone clinic. I was new to all of this. I had no idea what to expect or how to react. I paid for a year, thinking he was getting his life together, turning it around, starting anew, ect. Not the case and definitely not the case for many. It took me 3 years to stop the enabling and need to control what I couldn't. Him. I realized it wasn't about him anymore. He wasn't gonna get better, until I got better.
So, Cici, I guess what I'm trying to say is, after 3 years of loving my son and trying to "fix" my son with hugs and understanding....
I had to get tough and start focusing on me.
'Nuff said.
btw, my son and i were, and still are, very close. there was never any alienation.
I pleaded with, begged, and completely surrounded my 19 yo son with love and
understanding. I got him into a methadone clinic. I was new to all of this. I had no idea what to expect or how to react. I paid for a year, thinking he was getting his life together, turning it around, starting anew, ect. Not the case and definitely not the case for many. It took me 3 years to stop the enabling and need to control what I couldn't. Him. I realized it wasn't about him anymore. He wasn't gonna get better, until I got better.
So, Cici, I guess what I'm trying to say is, after 3 years of loving my son and trying to "fix" my son with hugs and understanding....
I had to get tough and start focusing on me.
'Nuff said.
btw, my son and i were, and still are, very close. there was never any alienation.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, HavingFaith.
Having an addicted child is a heart breaker and learning to deal with it and live a life worth living is even harder. Meetings and the 12 step program literally saved my life, and I am glad you are seeking this in your area.
I know that you mentioned your daughter is not willing to go to rehab, but thought I'd attach a link that may be helpful if you need it some time in the future. Just click on your province and it will tell you everything that is available and the service is free.
http://www.canadarehab.ca/
My prayers go out for you and your family, addiction truly is a family disease.
Hugs
Having an addicted child is a heart breaker and learning to deal with it and live a life worth living is even harder. Meetings and the 12 step program literally saved my life, and I am glad you are seeking this in your area.
I know that you mentioned your daughter is not willing to go to rehab, but thought I'd attach a link that may be helpful if you need it some time in the future. Just click on your province and it will tell you everything that is available and the service is free.
http://www.canadarehab.ca/
My prayers go out for you and your family, addiction truly is a family disease.
Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Another Mom here lending support. Please stick around and let us get to know you. You probably have a lot to offer us as well. It is a tought road, especially with teens. Another posted "being parent of an addict is not for wienies"
It can also be a road to self-discovery and emotional awakening as in my case.
It can also be a road to self-discovery and emotional awakening as in my case.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Welcome.
I'm a mom of 2 adult addict sons, neither live at home.
They are 29, and 34, and their drug use started when they were 11, and 14, it's been a long hard road, only recently have they both become sober.
It was alot of years of enabling from me, and it took a long time for me to "learn" another way. I think back now, and have realizations that if I wouldn't have enabled, perhaps they would have found sobriety sooner.
Please attend meetings, stick around and get to know us.
Hugs, and prayers for your daughter.
I'm a mom of 2 adult addict sons, neither live at home.
They are 29, and 34, and their drug use started when they were 11, and 14, it's been a long hard road, only recently have they both become sober.
It was alot of years of enabling from me, and it took a long time for me to "learn" another way. I think back now, and have realizations that if I wouldn't have enabled, perhaps they would have found sobriety sooner.
Please attend meetings, stick around and get to know us.
Hugs, and prayers for your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by cece1960
I'm sorry ccirider, but I have to respectfully disagree with this statement.
Do you disagree with my point about being judgmental? How would being judgmental of a teen addict make things better?
Originally Posted by cece1960
While I know every one of us parents love our children and desire that huggy relationship with understanding and respect, dealing with an active teen addict is pure hell. I know this because my son was using heroin in his late teens.
Originally Posted by cece1960
I'm afraid for him, a hug and an "I'm sorry" would have been his ticket to keep comfortably using.
Originally Posted by cece1960
I do understand the shame that addiction brings, but at times the inability to maintain meaningful relationships is whats help to bring the addict to the point of reaching out. That was the case with my son.
Until the pain of addiction becomes greater than the pain of recovery, the addict probably will not get better. You have to let the disease take its course.
Originally Posted by cece1960
I don't pretend to know how the addict thinks, but I do know a little about how we loved ones think and trust me, we've already tried loving them out of their addiction.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
ccirider,
It seems we agree more than disagree with each other. I still however have to stand by my thoughts that immediately apologising for how my actions are interpreted by an active addict is counterproductive to my journey.
But alas...we could argue the fine points until the cows come home.
HavingFaith has reached out for help...I'd rather not hijack the thread.
Cece
It seems we agree more than disagree with each other. I still however have to stand by my thoughts that immediately apologising for how my actions are interpreted by an active addict is counterproductive to my journey.
But alas...we could argue the fine points until the cows come home.
HavingFaith has reached out for help...I'd rather not hijack the thread.
Cece
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome and another mom here. Daughter 21. Has been active in her addiction since about 18. Currently she is living with her crack addict boyfriend who is 37. They hooked up when she was fresh out of rehab at 19. She could not resist his charm (meaning he supplies all her drugs). They are currently homeless although he has made over $300,000 in the last three years. All the money spent on crack and heroin. How can I compete with that? I can't and I won't and so I leave her alone to wallow in her misery and I pray for her. I pray for her to surrender and want recovery. But until she does, I continue to live my life the best that I can. I give her to God and practice "Hands off the addict". Not easy, takes time and work, but the alternative of living with the chaos of addiction is a lot harder. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Welcome HavingFaith
Another mom here of a 21 yr old daughter. I was "Loving my daughter to death" as they say. I thought I was showing her how much I loved her by "helping" her get clean. What I now understand is that she, and she only, has control over when and if she gets clean.
Hugs to you, and keep reading and posting. This site has given me courage to stand up for ME. (and I don't feel selfish for doing it!!)
Another mom here of a 21 yr old daughter. I was "Loving my daughter to death" as they say. I thought I was showing her how much I loved her by "helping" her get clean. What I now understand is that she, and she only, has control over when and if she gets clean.
Hugs to you, and keep reading and posting. This site has given me courage to stand up for ME. (and I don't feel selfish for doing it!!)
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by HavingFaith
Hi,
I have been reading this forum for a few days now and have decided I can only receive support if I put myself out there...I plan to go to a Nar-Anon meeting this week for my first time but there is only one meeting a week and I think I might need more support than they can give me.
My story...
My youngest daughter is almost 17 and my loving husband and I have spent the last 4 years battling either her drug addiction or her depression. We live in Canada so there are few options for treatment for youth and her poor psychiatrist has gone to the mat for us all but the reality is that mandatory commitment is a rarity here for mental health, and never for addiction. The few treatment centres out there require the youth being willing to work on their addiction.
We have been through a lot...her addiction, leading to an abusive boyfriend who put us in danger, to a wonderful gift of several months of clean and sober, to eating disorders, to suicide attempts as she waited for a trial for her abusive ex, and a recent relapse to Cocaine and/or god knows what. The good news was that she called detox the next day and got herself into a centre for a week. The bad news is, I picked her up the other day and I am almost positive she is already using again. She had a 28 day stabalization bed set up but has refused it...big message there, isn't it?
We love her so much...she thinks we do nothing but judge her but I know we can't live her life for her and quite frankly, I am amazed at the attempts she has made to get better given the hard teenage years she has been through. It is so heartbreaking to watch her fall, knowing I can't control this. At least I know this on one level but on a deeper level, I still can't quite believe there isn't a way to reach her in some way.
I am sick about the thought of going through the downward spiral we experienced before, and even worse is the thought that she will just give up and die. So, fear is driving me crazy some days....
Having said this, I know I am better than I was 4 years ago, where it wasn't only fear, it was terror. My daughter is almost an adult now and I have to respect that she has a right to her life...it is almost too cruel though. We had just begun to hope and trust again and now...?
Anyway, thank you for this forum, I appreciate having a place to come. Any advice would be welcome!
I have been reading this forum for a few days now and have decided I can only receive support if I put myself out there...I plan to go to a Nar-Anon meeting this week for my first time but there is only one meeting a week and I think I might need more support than they can give me.
My story...
My youngest daughter is almost 17 and my loving husband and I have spent the last 4 years battling either her drug addiction or her depression. We live in Canada so there are few options for treatment for youth and her poor psychiatrist has gone to the mat for us all but the reality is that mandatory commitment is a rarity here for mental health, and never for addiction. The few treatment centres out there require the youth being willing to work on their addiction.
We have been through a lot...her addiction, leading to an abusive boyfriend who put us in danger, to a wonderful gift of several months of clean and sober, to eating disorders, to suicide attempts as she waited for a trial for her abusive ex, and a recent relapse to Cocaine and/or god knows what. The good news was that she called detox the next day and got herself into a centre for a week. The bad news is, I picked her up the other day and I am almost positive she is already using again. She had a 28 day stabalization bed set up but has refused it...big message there, isn't it?
We love her so much...she thinks we do nothing but judge her but I know we can't live her life for her and quite frankly, I am amazed at the attempts she has made to get better given the hard teenage years she has been through. It is so heartbreaking to watch her fall, knowing I can't control this. At least I know this on one level but on a deeper level, I still can't quite believe there isn't a way to reach her in some way.
I am sick about the thought of going through the downward spiral we experienced before, and even worse is the thought that she will just give up and die. So, fear is driving me crazy some days....
Having said this, I know I am better than I was 4 years ago, where it wasn't only fear, it was terror. My daughter is almost an adult now and I have to respect that she has a right to her life...it is almost too cruel though. We had just begun to hope and trust again and now...?
Anyway, thank you for this forum, I appreciate having a place to come. Any advice would be welcome!
Hey Having Faith,
Welcome to SR!
When I was using (crystal meth) I thought my Mom did nothing but judge me as well. I was angry at her all the time, and I wanted her to make me better.
I'm one of the few who never told her about my addiction but she knew something was wrong (I live in LA she lives up North). I've struggled w/ an e.d, bipolar, depression, etc. most of my life, so when I get into one of my modes, she knows something is up. Our relationship becomes strained.
I always want it to be my "MOM'S" fault. Inside I know it never is.
When I finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I get my ass up and fix myself. It happens every time. My mom is and always has been my rock. Is she perfect? No, has she made mistakes? Yes, but she does the best she can with the situation she's in. When she knows better she does better. But my problems are Never her fault. She did not cause my problems and she is not responsible for them, and she is not here to fix them.
I have two years clean tomorrow, I tell the Mom's on here to let their daughters go and let their daughters spread their own wings and watch them fly.
Don't keep them clipped. My mom won't be here one day, she's here by my side to teach me how to be the best person I can be, but she can't do it for me, and she wouldn't want to. She has enough confidence that she did her job already, it's up to me now to carry on what she taught me.
Don't apologize for being the best Mom you can be. Don't apologize for having feelings and loving your daughter the best way you can. If you feel that you are doing the right thing, loving her the way you know how, then that's what you do best. If you feel you owe her an apology for that's on you, and something that you should do because you feel you really 'owe' her one. Apology's should come from the heart, not from guilt, confusion & fear. (imo).
Apologizing for being a mom the best way you know how, just hurts you.
Work on yourself, on how you can be the best you, you can be, and the rest will fall in place. You being sad, upset, miserable because she is, isn't going to do anyone any good. You have to take care of #1 first. We all owe it to ourselves to take care of ourselves first, if we aren't happy we can't expect anyone else to be happy.
Just my opinion and what has worked for me. :day4
DWI
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
HavingFaith,
Welcome to SR. I've glad you've found this place for there is such good support here.
I, too, am a mom of an addicted daughter, 25 years old, and clean and sober, if only for today. And I am grateful for every clean day, just so grateful.
The only way I survived was to read and post on this website. I found some other moms who were so wonderful in encouraging me and teaching me about recovery. They were and continue to be a huge part of MY recovery.
I also started attending 2 Al Anon meetings a week. That is all that is offered in my small town, and I'm so grateful I have them. Face to face meetings have helped me tremendously, so I suggest you find a meeting and attend. We suggest you attend 6 meetings before making up your mind if it's for you or not.
And, believe you me, I KNOW about that fear thing. Fear is what drove my life for the longest time, but through this website and face to face meetings, I've learned so much about changing my "stinkin' thinkin' so I can enjoy each and every day despite what is going on around me.
Recovery isn't easy, HavingFaith. But I'm telling you I wouldn't go back to my old way of thinking and living for all the money in the world.
So hang in there. You can make it. Just keep coming coming back.
Hugs from this mom to you,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. I've glad you've found this place for there is such good support here.
I, too, am a mom of an addicted daughter, 25 years old, and clean and sober, if only for today. And I am grateful for every clean day, just so grateful.
The only way I survived was to read and post on this website. I found some other moms who were so wonderful in encouraging me and teaching me about recovery. They were and continue to be a huge part of MY recovery.
I also started attending 2 Al Anon meetings a week. That is all that is offered in my small town, and I'm so grateful I have them. Face to face meetings have helped me tremendously, so I suggest you find a meeting and attend. We suggest you attend 6 meetings before making up your mind if it's for you or not.
And, believe you me, I KNOW about that fear thing. Fear is what drove my life for the longest time, but through this website and face to face meetings, I've learned so much about changing my "stinkin' thinkin' so I can enjoy each and every day despite what is going on around me.
Recovery isn't easy, HavingFaith. But I'm telling you I wouldn't go back to my old way of thinking and living for all the money in the world.
So hang in there. You can make it. Just keep coming coming back.
Hugs from this mom to you,
Hangin' In
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