queenteree

Well I just got back from court. AH was there and I could smell the old beer on him. We went in front of the judge cause AH was requesting an adjournment, he's meeting w/a lawyer tonite. The judge said she would modify the order so that he could remain in the home, but only the upstairs room and commons areas (kitchen and bathroom). She also ordered that he not be intoxicated in the house and instructed him that if he is he better not come home or I am to call the police immediately and he will be arrested. He actually interrupted the judge and asked "What if she's intoxicated in the home?" The judge said "it is not against the law to be intoxicated in your own home, or to be an alcoholic in your own home for that matter, but it is against the law to threaten, intimidate, harrass and treat someone how you treated your wife in your home. It is your actions that are before me, and they appear to be caused by your drinking." He said "well then I want an order of protection against her then" she told him by all means if he would like that feel free while he's there to go and petition the court (she really didn't like him at all). He also has to register w/TASC and submit to regular and random urine testing. She said he could only remain in the home under those conditions. He says OK. Well, we leave the courtroom, and go out into the hall to wait for our orders (like they directed us to) and AH starts yelling at me "THANKS ALOT TER, SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME, MY MOTHER AND T CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD LOWER YOURSELF TO DO THIS" Then he starts saying how he's never done anything wrong to me, that I always call the police or get courts involved on him, that now he can't even - AND GET THIS - drink in his own home and he has to submit to random urine testing, how dare I???? He said today he was supposed to be at work early and if he loses his job, it will be all my fault. He said "you want to play, well game on Ter, game on!!!!" All the people in the halls were even shaking their heads at him and when the lady came to give us our orders, she even gave him a dirty look. He said he's seeing an attorney tonite, he's glad it's over, he must have been sick in the head when he married me, we'll sell the house 50/50, etc. I said I would speak w/his lawyer and not him and that he should consider himself lucky that the judge only ordered what she ordered and if he continues to speak to me this way, when we go back on Dec. 14th, I will make sure I mention it. Now I know he'll be drunk tonite, but if he's passed out by the time I get home, I won't call. The minute I notice he's drunk, I'm calling!!!! Then I'll be the wrong one for calling the police on him. Why don't they just get it???? Anyway, I guess I should be lucky that at least I have that order. What do you guys think?

hadenoughnow

Sorry you had to deal with him today, hopefully he will stay upstairs. The urine testing is a good thing though.

I get sick of hearing it's all my fault too, they live in some sort of alternate universe don't they?

GiveLove

I think you should call even if he's passed out. Just my opinion (since you asked ) He is not allowed to be drunk in your house now. That's the law. If you start bending things for him already, what good is the protective order? If you give him an inch, you know he'll take a mile from you....anyway, hope this gives you some peace. Though the only thing that will really start making you feel good about life again is starting to make plans to get him out of your life. You have better things to do than spend your days in an endless game of he-said she-said with a mean drunk.
Good luck!

LaTeeDa

Wow, it sounds like it is going to be really hard to live with him. I fear for you. He sounds very abusive and threatening. If you have any inkling of even a bit of danger, get out ASAP. You can always call the cops from somewhere else. And I think if I were you I would invest in one of those miniature recording devices so you can record his rants and use them against him in court.

Please, keep yourself safe above all else. ((((QT))))

L

queenteree

No, I definitely would call even if I thought he was drinking even one beer, but if I assume he's passed out and he actually took a sleeping pill he isn't drunk, I don't want to look bad either to the police or judge. I will not give him an inch. I am also today going to figure out the numbers w/our 401k's etc., and now that he's getting a lawyer, I think I'll just ask my lawyer friend to be my voice (let him spend his money). He better agree to give me a portion of that PI settlement. Question though, I could be a very important witness to either side in his PI case. How could I let him understand that he better not screw me without looking threatening? I am also going to start applying for mortgages to see what the rates and stuff would be if I bought him out. Maybe we could get this settled before the holidays, that would be great.

queenteree

LTD - I was thinking the same thing too. They have them at Radio Shack for about $40. I may go there today. And yes, if I felt threatened, I would call the police from somewhere else. At least I have that order and they would have to arrest him, they can't just say "it's his house, he could do what he wants" which was what I was always told in the past.

LaTeeDa

Why do you need to let him know anything. Surely he already knows that? If it were me, I would not say a word. (Keeping my side of the street clean, you know?)

L

Pick-a-name

What do I think? Glad that the judge at least seems to have some clue to alcoholism in the home....glad she said what she did to him and ordered the random testing.....may do the "dirty-work" for you in regards to getting him out of the house and, I suppose,even back into treatment (FWIW),who knows? Especially glad she said (in court) for you to call ASAP if he drinks or violates...and court-ordered it.

Sorry you had to go through this;I'm glad that at least that day is behind you.

Seems he further made your case for the RO out in the hall...... Sorry you are in the path of his storm. So much for "witnesses". (Really it is sad that active A's do not even realize how they continue to make things worse for themselves with the blaming and outbursts,etc)

hugs to you;keep us posted. Be safe

denny57

I think he showed you what his strategy will be from here on. Pay attention and plan with your attorney accordingly. Keep the focus on you.

(((QT)))

Cindi R

Be careful...
be very careful.
I hope you've got a cell phone.
Personally, I wouldn't want to be in the same house with him for a few days until he's cooled off.

queenteree

You know, I was thinking that too, not for his cooling off but for my peace. I wish I had somewhere to go, but I don't. And I can't even go to my upstate place cause he may not know that I'm there (or may know) and go up there himself (that's his favorite drinking place). Maybe I'll go to PA for the weekend, and look at some mobile home parks there just in case I can't buy him out of the house. I just really dread going home later. I was so hoping the stay away order would still be in effect.

lostnfound1961

What an AZZ! I think If I found him passed out.... I might be tempted to start kicking him while he was down. How insane can they get? They are insane and we get to feel like we are.

<<<<<<<<<BIG HUG>>>>>>>>>>
Sorry you have to go through this, just remember theres light at the end of this tunnel. I'm proud of you.
D

denny57

I agree. At the beginning of my legal stuff, I posted a thread about blackmailing him. I'm glad I didn't do it LOL.

minnie

Hmm, some good stuff out of today, though, although I am not sure I would be comfortable with him being allowed to stay in the house. That said, it is his house too.

Whilst I was never in your situation, I did have a very lengthy legal battle as you know. I'd like to share some stuff I learned along the way (some of it too late to be of much use in that scanario) - as always, take what you like and leave the rest.

Remember what the purpose of a particular legal course of action is and keep that uppermost in your mind. EG, the RO is for your protection. It's not to teach him a lesson, or even punish him, it's simply to keep you safe. Therefore, you are as obliged as he is for keeping it in force, in a sense. If there is a breach, report it, otherwise neither he nor the judge will take you as seriously as you would wish. The same goes for the divorce as far as remembering the purpose. It is to legally divide your joint assets, not to punish him, teach him, nor put into place any resitution for poor behaviour.

Do your very best to hold your tongue - as you said to him, only speak via lawyers unless in a mediation situation. As you saw today, he will show everyone what he is like without you trying. If you get involved, it may be seen as provocation. Judges like things to be clear cut and HATE getting involved in "he said, she said" scenarios. Write down (and time and date and initial - they are called contemporaneous notes) every attempt by him to verbally abuse you as well as breaches of the restraining order. Assume that he is doing the same with what you say (that thought kept my trap shut on many an occasion!). Evidence will make a massive difference as judges are likely to ignore hearsay and the last thing you want is for the judge to say "you are as bad as each other."

Think in terms of you achieving the best outcome for yourself. Don't even consider whether he is will "win" or "lose" in the final outcome. As long as you get the result you are comfortable with, it doesn't really matter what happens to him. I spent a long time focussing on my ex's possible tactics etc etc as did my lawyers. Waste of time - in hindsight, I should have just held firm to my course with no distraction.

Keep your cards close to your chest. You have laid out your boundaries many times, I am guessing, and even if they haven't been enforced, he must be at least aware of them. Just plow your own furrow and leave him to plough his.

As for threats and blackmail - trust me when I say that these will only come back and bite you in the arse. The PI settlement issue is a legal one and its treatment will be laid out in the statutes. There may be room to address it in the financial settlement, but given that is is compensation for his injuries, it may well be considered outwith the divorce. Do what you think is the right thing to do regarding being a witness and what you will be able to live with years down the road - again, think if it is an appropriate method to punish or teach.

Above all, save the therapy for the therapists - they are cheaper and better qualified than attorneys and much less painful than the courts.

Good luck - and good thinking on the action plans. The more proactive we can be, the more virtuous the circle we create for ourselves.

minnie

(I know there's a lot of "you"s in the above post! Hope you don't mind, it's not personal - it was getting too complicated using "I"s and I'm trying to learn lines for a play rehearsal tonight at the same time. Not as good at multi-tasking as I sometimes think!)

GiveLove

Teri,

Can you go to a nice little hotel or bed & breakfast in a pretty place for the weekend?
He's a dangerous, unpredictable man. I fear for your safety.

GL

guineapigjude

((((Teri)))) Stay safe, please!

Oh, don't you wish you could make them hear themselves ... but of course, we've tried to make them, haven't we? It's always someone, something, God, the Universe causing their problems ... never the alcohol.

keepingmyjoy

My ex husb did that whole behavior outside the court room....

You just be safe....no matter what. Do not let your guard down. I will be thinking of you.

embraced2000

holy ****!!!! this sounds like the seperation from hell!!!! i find it just downright crazy that the judge would give him instructions to stay upstairs.....yea, right....like an alcoholic that is drunk is gonna do that!!!!!

imho, she has put alot of pressure on you allowing him to stay in the home and by being his "police" and having the responsibility to call the police if he drinks.......alcoholics can be very unpredictable and dangerous if they feel they are being censored and that you are the one that has the "so-called bag of power (in their own mind)" .


please be very cautious, and do not hesitate to call 911 at the drop of a hat. let's hope he doesn't get tanked up and let the venom flow.....

please keep your cell phone in your pocket at all times, and call 911 immediately at first hint of a problem.

i'm concerned about this situation. my xh would have just imploded with this kind of order from the judge and i would have been his target, once back home. a few drinks, and the resentments would have grown like a freaky vine....there would have been no stopping him once he got started.

stay safe, sweety!

cagefree

Agreed. I thought this to be a bit odd myself. Please be extra cautious and safe!