Buffalo66

Hi. I have been gone for a while.

As some of you may remember, I was having no cantact with the Aex, and doing much better.
But in the last two weeks I resumed contact, and all came tumbling back down. I am ashamed, and have behaved badly again.I am embarrassed that I have lost my way again, and let my obsessive anger get back under my skin.

Aex is ordered to rehab and was to have completed the treatment by Dec 4. it is clearly coming down to the wire. This was the main reason I resumed contact. I feel afraid that he will not live through jail.

He also began to offer small payments of money for support to me, and I needed it desperately. I met with him twice, once was pleasant, and since then just barreled downhill.
I am obsessing about what has gone on in the last year, and I dont just let it run around in my head---I call him and engage with him, rage at him for literally hours in a day. My day is consumed. My 2 1/2 yr old son has seen me raging like this(one of the main reasons I stopped contact).

I have not been able to get a sitter for the last two weeks for alanon...I am lost again. smoking like a fiend.

The thing that triggers my obsession most is when he denies having attacked me, blames me for what happened, says I sold him to the cops and took away his freedom, says HIS LIFE became like a Jerry Springer episode when he met me(OH, if you only knew how backwards that is!!)

I cannot handle the true lack of connection with reality that he is living in. There is a part of me that feels almost physically unable to bear the lies he is telling himself. HOW DOES SOMEONE BELIEVE SUCH LIES THEY TELL THEMSELVES about things that CLEARLY HAPPENED?!?!Its harder when the lies paint me to be to blame. I can hardly stand it.
I tried to nicely nudge him to start the rehab,to avoid detoxing on a jail cell floor. then he started saying I was evil for holding it over his head(?).

I know it is insanity, and I curse the part of me that is not strong enough to rise above it. I wish I could see it clearly all the time. I have been feeling so isolated and ashamed. I am evil, now, when I call him. I am driven by an anger I have never even heard of. I say mean things, and I justify it by telling myself that he drives me to it. And he is a man with an insidious bag of emotionally abusive tricks... I may BE justified. But I have already determined that I dont want to be that person, becoming like him.

Please dont ask questions like, "why did you do something so stupid?" I know I am weak. I know I screwed up. I feel like I will not be able to regain my ground. Just had to confess. I have fallen off my "wagon", and become very dysfunctional all over again.

denny57

Someone else's lack of connection with reality is not mine to handle.

Have you asked if there are any meetings with babysitting in your area?

((()))

CBrown

I fall off the wagon at times too. It always coincides when I have contact with someone in the XABF's dark world. Don't tell me I shouldn't have had contact with this ex-friend, it had to be done for the court papers we are filing and that should be over very very soon. Anyway, I get sucked back in mentally, and while I didn't do anything malevolent, I gave him legal information that he could use. It was an evil pot-stirring. I felt horrible afterward, went to my HP asking forgiveness for semi-falling back into the trap, and vowed to keep on the straight and narrow again.

It is the same as any sin or vice ... look how easy it is for good intentions to take us down! Once again I feel I am on the right track, but I have to be ever-diligent. And then we wonder why the addicts in our lives can't kick their habits.

I hope you find peace and are able to stay on your program.

cdk1972

You are not weak, you just had a relapse. It's okay. Pick yourself back up and start over. Focus on yourself, not his faults or weaknesses. You are not the only one to fall off the wagon, so to speak, we've all done it. Just don't focus on it. Move forward. You are not perfect, and none of us are, either. You can and WILL be okay. QUit beating yourself up. love to you.

good_luck

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. I've read your previous posts, and it seems like you have a good understanding of what you need to do for yourself. I don't think that falling off of the wagon negates that knowledge. Don't beat yourself up for being angry, you have every right. The only problem with this anger is that it isn't really helping you.

Pick yourself up, don't sweat the mistakes. We all make mistakes, codependent or not. (Codependent just means we torture ourselves about the mistakes!) Personally, I have a notebook of letters written over the course of my relationship. I can take a letter from year one, exchange it with one from year three, and never notice the difference. I knew what I had to do for a while before I actually did it successfully. But by the time I did, I was ready.

It's not like you have to start over. You have laid a foundation that is still there. Who knows why it's this way, but if it were easy I doubt this board would exist, right?

I am thinking about you, and wish you well. You are on the right path, it's just a twisty one. ((())))

Janitw

Hang in there and just pick up where you left off hunny.....it's not hard for them to suck us back into their world.....sometimes they want us in it so badly that they will take our scorn if they can't have our love....just pull away and STAY away...love him from afar if you need to but go total NC with him....at least until you get your bearings in line again ok....

We are here for you and care about whats going on in that head of yours ok....

Janitw

Barbara52

Its not your place to nudge him to do what he knows he is required to do. If he chooses not to go into rehab, then he is choosing to go to jail. Either way, its his choice, his problem.

Ok you relapsed a bit. It happens. Now stop engaging in the behavior. You can choose to do that.

tollbooth

I dont recall the exact order of the steps to recovery from grief, but I think that the Anger step is the one which usually comes just prior to the Acceptance stage. You're almost there, B-66! I myself, have been switching back and forth over some of the earlier steps. Hopefully time will figure into the equation, too.

minnie

(((((hugs)))))

Heck, I know I relapsed big style on occasion. Funnily enough, I revisited the scene of my last major relapse last week - just being in the same room brought back those feelings of shame and impotence. That time, I screamed down the phone at my ex so loudly that I literally made myself hoarse. Did it make a difference? Hell, no. All it did was show him yet another of my hot buttons.

You will know when he "gets it" when he makes amends. 12 Step or no 12 Step, I believe that apologising (in whatever form it takes) is part of the process. But we can't force that to happen - it is a consequence of recovery. Now, it might not come how you would perhaps want, however you will know when it does.

In the meantime, concentrate on your side of the street. Post here as much as you can if you can't get to meetings - responding to posts (instead of perhaps just hitting the thanks button) can answer questions about our own situation. Read, journal, mettings when you can get a babysitter. Maybe write a letter to your ex that you never send. Surf the net - there are hundreds of thousands of pages of info out there. PM people on SR. There are lots of things to do for your recovery than engage in the same old same old. And you don't need me to tell you that your child witnessing your relapse is not the healthiest of things.

Hang in there. The right path is only just a few steps to the side.

appleblaster

Its absolutely amazing how someone else's experience can help you so much, especially when it seems nothing good could come out of it. By sharing and posting what you're going through Buffalo, you've helped me see a few of things:
1. You are human and so am I and we make mistakes and that's okay.
2. This system works (al-anon, sharing, etc)
3. None of us are above "falling off the wagon" and that's okay too.
4. Good things can come of our experiences even when they are terrible.

Thank you for posting this. I know you came here for help but you have helped. That's just beautiful!

Lots of love to you!!!!!

embraced2000

hells fire, buff, i not only fell offa the wagon many times, but let it run over me several times in the doing.

the lesson i learned about doing so, was that he was still not willing to get his life straightened out. and the lesson i learned was that i was not ready to make the break yet.....i was still very consumed with him.

today is a new day. this new day is yours to do with as you will. i pray you will use it to make choices that are healthy for you.

it's all a process, sweety.....just a process. we have to have the bumps in the road to show us that there is a smoother road for us to travel. and it ain't easy.

he is still blaming you......that is a real good indication that he is still not "getting it", along with the other ridiculous things he is saying.

mine used to say the most ludicrous things after i would regain contact, after mourning for him for so long, aching for him, missing him.....i reckon i thought during the times of no contact that he was somehow miracuously being healed. i still had rainbows and lollipops running around in my head.....but i always got a wakeup call when i regained contact.

be kind to yourself.....try not to be so hard on yourself, and my best advice would be to try to understand your part in it all.

hugs to you, buff
jer

gns

Hi Buffalo,

I don't think you should think of it as a "screw up" but as a learning experience. Sometimes we have to keep visiting the same place until we "get it". There is nothing wrong with that, (except that it hurts you).

When you are done you will be done.

I think I am getting close to really being done. I was in almost homicidal rage for several months. No amount of reasoning or "control" would fix it. I needed to feel it until I was done feeling it. I needed to check his email until I no longer needed to check his email.

I say go for it. Express your anger and rage. Think about the better ways to express your feelings and yourself, and if you need to yell at him - for you, then yell at him until you are done.

Buffalo66

Thanks for all your responses. I do what I can to post responses here when I can, but I have been having an extremely tough time of late. Cant thank u all enough. B66

SaTiT

I won't ask any question, becuase i did it for 3 years with the back
on forth stuff. email tag, phone tag, and all of the madness that came
with it that i rather not mention.

And we're seperated anyways even after she got sober, which
threw me for another loop.

I can't really afford to beat up myself or second guess what
if or what was anymore. I know I can sink extreemly fast. For
a while it was touch and go.

I'm getting better each day and trying to take care of myself.
Still not up to par to how well I've felt before, but i'm not going
to beat up myself no matter what.

Hope you feel better soon

fluffyflea

I would take my son to meetings with me when he was young.


Ngaire

Rella927

Buff

I could not have said this much better than a lot on here!

I have relapsed myself more than once! I have now come to realize that If I'm not focusing on myself-the rest of my life will become unmangeable-I do not choose to live my life that way any longer. if you work it!!

Please be gentle with yourself and as Apple stated we are human we make mistakes and it is OK!-I know my Al-Anon group has babysitting-call around and ask-

Keep coming here there is a lot of support too!