spedteach

Well, I am not sure what to do, what not to do and so on. Dh stayed home from work again today...he battles both alcoholism and depression and that moment, is off his meds..not doing anything about either. He called his boss this morning and I guess his boss wants him to call him later today and let him know what "direction" he wants to go in. His boss has been AWESOME to him..his own daughter battles exactly what my husband does so he understands completely what it's like! DH states he doesn't want to lose his job, or me however, he calls me at work sounding all down and such and when I ask him what he's been doing all day..he says NOTHING..what do you want me to do?? I said well, didn't the boss tell you that he wants you to come up with a plan? So what do I say to him??? DO I keep quiet when he asks me questions like that?? I know that he needs to figure it out for himself, but I also know that when he's down like this, it takes a lot for him to get back on an even keel.....

When he's on his antidepressent, it's like another person! He's happy, doesn't drink, plays with our son, has a ton of energy...But then, he stops taking it because he's feeling better and the whole cycle continues again!!! He stops his meds, drinks, gets down, misses work, drinks and finally starts meds again....

If he asks me my opinion on what he should do, should I give it or not get involved?? I've been giving him my opinion when he asks me which normally is that he should talk to his doctor, maybe get into a counselor and definately get back on his meds....I don't go beyond that....then he'll say it's so easy for you and I stop....I know he's trying to pick a fight with me.....

I know that I am at the end of my rope...if something doesn't change...he's gone...however, if he does get help, I'll be supportive...I am just not sure how involved I should get with the decision making process.....

Anyone that's btdt, how have you handled an a that is also depressed???? I think they go hand in hand, but could be wrong about that. I know I need to let him clean up his own mess, however, if he loses this job...it puts ME in a bad financial situation as well as him....I can not afford to be in that spot yet again....especially because if I sit here and he loses his job..I guess that feels like enabling him more.....so I understand what detachment is and why we need to practice it, but when I am looking at how this will affect my son and me.....I just don't know if sitting back and doing nothing is right!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EyesOpen

spedteach:

Yes, I have lived with depression/alcoholism. My husband spent the entire year of 2001 in bed before he was willing to admit something was wrong.

He called in to work everyday and said that he couldn't go in, he was too tired. The folks at work kept him on the payroll the whole time because he was a senior employee, and had put in many, many good years of work. So, I'm sure that they, like me, thought that he'd eventually pull out of it.

He finally agreed to go see a doc. The doc prescribed anti-depressants. But, my dh kept drinking significant amounts of alcohol WITH the anti-depressants. That was my first clue that I was dealing with alcoholism. Now, I realize that I married an alcoholic. I just didn't see it for what it was because he was able to function well while under the influence.

In my case, my dh never did go back on the anti-depressants. He continued with the alcohol, and quit his job. The pressure of calling in everyday and feeling guilty made him just give up trying to go back. (I have my own income)

He never has taken an interest in any hobby or activity since leaving work. I finally decided to persue a separation. I need the relief, and maybe, just maybe It'll force him into reality.

Maybe if your husband sees you doing fun things without him, he'll want to join in the fun. (As opposed to nagging him to go back on the meds). Your dh doesn't sound like as hard case as my spouse....yours at least was willing to take the pills without alcohol!

Take care of yourself!

spedteach

Thanks for responding. My dh has decided to go back on his medication and did that yesterday. His boss told him if it happens one more time, he will lose his job and he also knows my boundaries. He went back to work this morning. He does not drink on medication...which is a good thing. Everyone sees such a huge difference in him when he takes his medication....Hopefully the thought of losing his job and his wife are enough that he has hit his bottom and will continue on the meds. I know it won't cure all of his problems, but once he gets more stabilized he is more open to therapy...

Like I said, he knows better then to mix the meds with beer or whatever, he's too afraid of what could happen to do that...plus, he is in such better spirits on his meds, that drinking isn't even something that he thinks about wanting to do...hm....think he'd realize how much they've helped....

Time will tell, but I am sticking to the boundaries I've set!

Thanks again!

EyesOpen

I hope for both your sakes, that your husband's situation may not be as far advanced as mine's is/was. Hopefully, when he realizes that you and his boss are serious about the boundaries, he'll wake up and see what time it is.

Just be sure to take care of yourself, that you know in your heart that the boundaries have to be enforced. That's hard for us as the codependent person. I've backed off a couple of times, out of guilt, or because he manipulated me. I went around in circles many times before I finally learned to stand up for myself.

This illness/condition is soooooooooo difficult to treat, because the person can't see how they are. With any other illness, you can use your brain to determine whether something's wrong or not. But this illness effects the brain...... how can a person tell if they're well or not if thinking is distorted?

Remember, it's NOT YOU. You're okay.

Keep coming back.