queenteree

I know you've all been reading my posts about AH the last few days and I thank you all for listening. I do go to Alanon, I even chair my Friday night meeting. I work the steps, haven't found a sponsor yet though, and read my literature every day and journal. I am doing all I can do. But when you deal with an A that puts you thru crap every day, you get a little tired, worn out and depressed. I mentally can't put up with it any longer. AH was drunk again last night, wanted to sleep in my bed w/me. Told him no, boundary is when drinking can't sleep in bed w/me cause I will not sleep next to a drunk that reeks of alcohol and snores and I will not go thru the motions of playing like I love him. Well this morning, I looked in the back of his truck (yes, I know I shouldn't have, but I just wanted confirmation for myself, not to bring it up to him) and low and behold a 36 pack in a bin with ice. Anyway, this morning he says he's sick and tired of "doing the right thing by not drinking" and I harass him everyday by accusing him and not letting him sleep in our bed. I said to him this morning that I could not take this any longer, that I am going to have to file for divorce and that I will have to move out cause I won't live here till the house is sold and put up with this crap every single night. He gets all mad cause then the payments will go "down the tubes" and we'll lose the house and it's all my fault cause all I do is badger him about divorce first thing in the morning. He's sick of hearing me. Then of course, that is why he drinks, cause I accuse him and then say I want out, so I "make him drink." I told him if he so sick of hearing me, he won't have to worry about that any more, that I will be out of his life and he can drink till his hearts content. I keep doing that - not saying what I mean or mean what I say. Why is it so hard to keep your head in recovery???? How many more meetings do I have to go to to get it right???? I'm really disappointed in myself and I think I'm really hurt that I keep letting myself get treated this way over and over again. Thanks for listening.

minnie

Sorry to hear that things haven't got better since yesterday, QT.

Is there any reason why you haven't got a sponsor yet? Would it help in the meantime to post on the Step on which you are working?

Lilyflower

Hey there Terri,

Like Minnie I too am sorry things are still rough for you, but Rome wasn't built in a day!

Reading through your posts since yesterday, I'm a bit confused. Have you decided that this marriage is definately over? I'm sure you know that if you make a statement to your AH that...

You should stick to it. He'll see right through any empty threats you make. He jumped on the 'make you feel guilty about what you've said' wagon straight away...

hadenoughnow

I find that discussing my plans or boundaries or drinking with my AH just leads to fighting and frustration (we have had more than one fight exactly like the one you describe in your post). He is well aware of my feelings, no need for me to say anything. I am powerless over his addiction and nothing I say or do is going to make one bit of difference. I found that having a plan and a timeline for myself makes it easier to not react to him.

keepingmyjoy

QT, I told my AH that I am leaving. Since then, he is all helpful and kind and we are doing the dance of pretending everything is fine. I think that kills me more than anything else. But, I think I finally figured out what is going on. He has been used to me not sticking to my boundries and is hoping I will "forget" our conversation. I am looking at apts today. He is in for a rude awakening since I am going to follow through.

It sounds to me like he is pushing your boundries/limits etc. Higher power may be forcing you to look at what choices you need to make etc. Keep open to all your options...Hugs.

queenteree

You know, I was praying on my way to work this morning for guidance, and suddenly it came to me. First off, AH is trying to play the "blame game" w/me. I am the wrong one, I harass him, etc. And you know what, he is totally right. And then again, when he's ready to stop drinking after about 3 weeks to a month and detoxes, he will again come w/his tail between his legs saying how sorry he is. And as usual, I treat him nicely, let him sit downstairs w/me and continue to be the good wife. But while he's on his tear, he only wants to drink. And I know him very well. He wants me to be the one to initiate the divorce, so then when we have to sell the house, etc., whose fault will it be? Never him - only mine!!! "I did this to us!" In the meantime, I find out I have to use my own funds to pay for an attorney and court fees. Anyway, I called him at work this morning (he's already drunk BTW) and told him that I am not going to file for separation or divorce. That if he gets sick of living the way he's living or he wants out of this marriage, he will have to file. He said he doesn't want that. I again stated that if and when he does, he will have to file. But in the meantime, he will have to stay upstairs and sleep upstairs, I want no dealings with him at all, and if he doesn't respect that and ignores that boundary (and here's where it actually becomes a boundary) then I will have no choice but to go to Family Court and get a restraining order against him banning him from being intoxicated in the house (a fellow Alanon member gave me that suggestion 2 weeks ago). I told him I don't have to and I won't put up with drunken abuse. I told him if and when that becomes unacceptable to him, then I guess that is when "he" will file for divorce. He said that's fine, that he will stay upstairs. We left it at that. Sound good? But, there is one more thing I would like your opinions on - I know he will be totally drunk leaving work today and we are supposed to be having heavy rains here. Would it be wrong of me to call the local police for the town he works in and inform them that he will be drinking and driving and to watch out for him. I know what you're all thinking, and yes, in a way I want him to get a DWI for my own satisfaction, but more importantly (really!) if it's bad weather out, and he's drunk and his reaction time is slow, I may be sparing some lives. What do you think? Terri

hopeangel

hey qt, i have to agree with the above comment and couldn't state it better.
it sounds to me like you really are not ready for divorce.
(((hugs))) your in my prayers.

Lilyflower

He wants you to be the one to initaite a divorce because by nature As cannot make life changing decisions whilst actively drinking. Sounds as if he has long ago decided to sit out on the dance of life. He is going through the motions, 'get up, drink, go to work, get out of work, drink, go home, drink,.. there goes another day where I didn't have to think about the what ifs? buts and maybes'.

You believe youv'e taken a stance with this new boundary and I agree you have in some respects. However, (forgive the analogy) you have passed the ball to his side of the court, and he doesn't care for playing tennis, he'll quite happily let the ball bounce past him, lay in the gutter and carry on, while you my friend will be stood on the other side of the net waiting for the ball to come back when it never will.

embraced2000

you have the power to change your life. only you. he is, what he is, and that is not likely to change until he is ready for it to change. his first love right now is the booze.

one cannot depend upon a sick person to hold up their end of a good bargain.....it just ain't gonna happen. what you see is what you get.

so, what do you have planned for yourself today???? what kind of actions can you take to make your day more pleasant and less focused on your husband?

i'm going to be very blunt here, terri.....it sounds to me like you are very possibly stuck in the rut of overfocusing on your husbands actions. there was a time that i let my xh hold all my bags of power and his actions and deeds ruled my every day.

i took back that power....slowly, and very clumsily at first.....but i became liberated from taking back my bags of powerl.

i made a plan and it felt so good, so very very very good to have a plan.....even a teeney weeney little itty bitty plan......it was like a huge veil lifted from my spirit.

amongst my first plans, was to open a savings account in my own name, and begin squirreling away some money. it wasn't much, because there wasn't much to work with.....sometimes i just put the odd dollars and cents from my paycheck into my secret savings.

my goal was to save 500.00. i don't know why i picked that number. and i had no idea what i was going to do with it. but it was a plan. and i knew if i could make that happen, i could make other plans happen.

it started the ball rolling for me. the intense pleasure that i received from making a plan, sticking to it, and finally achieving it, gave me incentive to start another project.

pretty soon, my self esteem was built up, and i was able to make healthy life decisions about my miserable life with my alcoholic husband.

there is a trade off for everything. discovering my peace and serenity meant leaving my husband. it was worth it. i have never felt such peace and contentment in my entire life and i am 54 years old.

i thought i was just gonna die at first, but i didn't.

sorry you are having such a rough time......but on the other hand.....what else do you expect while living with an active alcoholic? i know that is a tough statement.

big hugs to you
jeri

queenteree

Yes, I did shift the responsibility to him. I can "try" to live in that house w/his alkie behavior cause I have done it for 5 years now and as long as I know there's light at the end of the tunnel, it will be all good. Over 20 something years ago, when I was sick of his drinking then, I was a single mom of 3 kids, had no money, he supported us. I couldn't take it anymore and put myself thru business school to get a job and kick him out. He wouldn't leave then so I left him for 3 weeks at "my" apt., he finally got sober for 14 years (not that I even think that would happen again, too late stage for that one). But I was able to deal w/him for one more year cause I knew there would be light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm not really giving implicit consent, I'm just admitting I'm powerless over it and he's going to do it anyway. As for calling the cops for drinking and driving, that is against the law and can kill. To me, big difference.

It may appear that way now, but I know my husband, trust me, he's got to come off this bender, his body can't handle it for more than a month or so, and even now, it really does bother him immensely not to be around me.

You are so right, but an order of protection banning him from being intoxicated in the home or I call the police has to get annoying to an active alcoholic after a while.

Thank you so much for thinking I deserve better, but for now, this is the way I feel I must handle it. And who's to say I won't get better. We're living separate lives.

Lilyflower

Good luck to you xxxxxxx

queenteree

Thanks Lilyflower and all the rest of you. I hope I make it thru this day cause my head is just spinning. How stupid is it that I am actually looking for a miracle out of the sky to just make this all go away????? I keep saying "have faith, HP is going to take care of it", but strange, I want it today and on my terms (I know that CANNOT be!!!!). What's wrong w/me????

LaTeeDa

Some call it the 'dance' or the 'game.' I call it a power struggle. I wasted many years of my life nagging, annoying, complaining, manipulating, creating consequences, making empty threats, all with the end goal of getting him to do things my way. And he spent all those years figuratively thumbing his nose at me. I also convinced myself that if I could just keep suffering a little while longer, things would get better in one way or another. They never did. There is no way to win, you can only refuse to play.

If it's really all about the money, as you stated, then maybe you should ask yourself why the expense of a DUI is acceptable but the expense of a divorce attorney is not.

L

queenteree

You know, you are all right. Even to my posts yesterday. I am refuting each and every one of each of your suggestions - why? I do not know, I truly don't know. I am so depressed right now, maybe worn down, very tired and I don't know why, for the life of me, I can't deal right now. You see, I had a sober, loving, generous, kind, considerate husband for over 14 years. The last 5 have been hell. He is not the man I knew and loved, yet when he went to rehab, we had many talks, many heartfelt talks, he knew he was an alcoholic, he knew how the disease progressed, he knew he could never drink again. And we were fine for 3 months. I wish he had never given me those 3 months. I know the man he is, he's got many alkie ways, trust me, but I know deep down he has a heart, a very loving heart. But there is so much about him that I do not know now. I know I can't reach him, I know he will never again be sober for good, my HP has shown me that many times in the past two months even though I have refused to see it cause I didn't want to see it. I am really really hurt by a man I love right now. Actually I think I am having a pity party with big hats and balloons and I want things to change now and I want them changed my way!!!! I guess I am relapsing in a big way also. I probably am in victim status. I don't feel strong enough for all this. I feel my life keeps crumbling around me and there's nothing I can do or chose to do to stop it except feel sorry for myself and I don't know how to get myself out of it. I just want to go home from work sick and cry my eyes out, and truly even "get drunk" to see what the world is like from that side. But will I? No. Why? Cause that doesn't solve anything.

denny57

What step are you working?

queenteree

denny - 4th - and I have the workbook too. Very confusing at times, but working on it. I didn't even go to my meeting last night and I don't feel like going either. Today I just feel I'm not into this God's will, HP thing and turning everything over to him/her. I'm tired of doing that, it doesn't seem to be helping matters any.

Jazzman

Hi QT. I've been reading some of your recent threads. You're getting some great responses here from members who could write the book on this stuff IMO.

Here's a couple threads worth a read. A while back I read them with my eyes wide open and they helped me understand plenty. Good luck.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

and my favorite...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hlight=10+ways

Oh and by the way, you seem like your brain is going a million miles a minute. Anyway you can get away for a weekend or something? Get a little peace and quiet to think and let things settle down a bit.

Lilyflower

Sounds as if your tired of fighting the fight.

Let me guess, you don't feel like getting out of bed any more, you wish everyone in the world would leave you alone and let you be with your thoughts, your tired of 'putting on a happy face', your so fed up of being the one who is always strong, always carrying the load, you wish someone would come along put their arms around you and tell you that from now on things will be alright, you don't have to worry any more?

Terri, if these things ring true to you, you may be suffering from a bout of depression. Which isn't suprising considering. I've been battling depression since I was 14yrs and I can feel those old thoughts and emotions I once had coming through in your posts.

Are you taking anti depressants? Do you have a counsellor? Depression is very very addictive. Many people don't understand that, but I think it is similar to the 'victim' senario we talk about here. There is something strangely comforting in giving up. I know that I have allowed my loneliness, my desperation to wash over me in the past, pull that duvet back over my head and lie in bed thinking of me. Wishing the whole world would melt away. Unable to keep a thought in my head as my 'protection' from the cruel horrible world was to hum pretty tunes in my head, sometimes they got so loud I couldn't hear my inner voice any more. I lost who I was.

As the years have gone by I have found that sometimes I have had to literally force myself to function, kick myself up the proverbial ass.

From where I've been and if this is sounding familiar to you, I would say 'don't give in, don't give up', go over to a mirror and look hard at yourself, tell yourself out loud that you are a wonderful person, that you will get through this, that you can survive. Perhaps today you are not strong in your soul but the world has a wonderful way of changing all the time. Take time for you, speak to a doctor. Therapy sometimes isn't enough to cure us of depression if you've been low for a long time your serotonin levels may very well be depleated, and the brain can forget how to produce it.

queenteree

Thank you Lily, your post made me cry. I probably am very depressed right now. I am usually not a depressed person, but AH has been drinking since Sept. 3rd so we're going on almost 2 full months of this chaos, following me, sleeping alone, not knowing what tomorrow will bring me EVERY SINGLE F***IN DAY!!!! I have spoken to my dr. about antidepressants several times. Each time he says he really doesn't think I need them, since I tend to get myself out of it rather quickly and to tell you the truth, I am afraid to take any kind of pill and don't want to mess w/my serotinin. But you are right, I wish someone could just make it all better, unfortunately, as most of us here know, that is not the case.

denny57

I sometimes have to go back and work 1-3. I know I only get limited information from your posts, but my observation is you are struggling with turning it over. I know I wanted to control even that aspect of it. It was only when I truly let go that I found some peace.

That said, the 12-steps are not for everyone. I second the ideas to get some down time for yourself to allow some calming of the mind.

((()))