new here-AW in jail, 4 kids ages 4 and under (DV)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 31
new here-AW in jail, 4 kids ages 4 and under (DV)
I just found this place . . . I'm basically looking for some advice, support, or if anyone is or was in a situation like this. My wife is currently in jail on a domestic assault charge - on myself. Her lawyer is trying to get her into the rehab program, which is supposedly very good, in the corrections system in the county we live in. There is an order of protection on her until 10/30 when there is a hearing on whether to extend it.
Now some background - my wife has a history of addiction and bipolar/antisocial personality disorder. She has been into pills for as long as I've known her. She only started drinking really heavily over the summer when I didn't have to work (I'm a teacher) and she could get drunk and I would be there to take care of our 4 kids (4, 1 1/2, and twins who are 6 months now). Almost every day, she would drink at least 400 ml of vodka or at least 1 L of wine. She also passed out drunk almost every day because she took kolonapins and/or Darvocets as well. When she drank vodka, though, she would get totally crazy and hit me, especially if she was mad about something. She would get this crazy look in her eye...and say all this crazy stuff about killing me, having me killed, etc. She stopped drinking vodka for a while, then started again when wine wasn't getting her drunk enough, I guess.
So when I started school last month, we were both supposed to get on the wagon...but that didn't last. I would bring her 200ml of vodka on my way home almost every day. Most of the time, that appeased her. I guess the stress of taking care of three kids for eight hours a day was getting to her...even though we have these part-time nannies that come over 3-4 hr every day. The past couple weekends, though, her drinking got totally crazy - she would send me out for vodka 3-4 times a day . If she was mad about something, if she was drunk enough, she would hit me again. Her behavior became... demented, not knowing what time it was, making our kids go to bed at 2 in the afternoon, and PHONE GAMES. She loved to play phone games, and make me call whomever she was mad at until they picked up the phone, again and again and again and again. Sometimes I fake called, though.
She said if I ever said anything about her drinking, she would divorce me. Well, we had this big talk with my parents about how she was going to go to a shrink. This was after she got super mad at my dad for insinuating that she had a drinking problem and was a bad mother. Well, when she's not drinking, she's the best, most organized mom out there. However, a week ago the situation came to a head.
She asked me to call out, like she did every day, almost. I didn't, then she called me several times at work, screaming hysterically (I think she was drunk already), and I heard the kids screaming in terror in the background. I'm a teacher so I can't just leave work - luckily they got someone to cover my last classes. So I went home and, like always, got her 200ml of vodka. She sent me out again in like an hour. She was "packing" to take the kids to her dad's house in NJ the next day. The whole time, she played angry phone games, calling my mom and dad, telling them how they broke up our marriage and stuff. Eventually she passed out, after hitting me again, in front of the kids again. She also threatened to kill me and have some of my family members killed by some white power dudes she used to know. So eventually, THANK GOD, my dad called the cops. I guess my mom heard her hitting me while she was on the phone or something. So she got arrested and was apparently not a model prisoner. She violated the EPO the first night. Even more shockingly, she accused me of hitting her, citing the bruises on her legs (she's anemic).
Well, it felt good to write all that down. So now she's in jail. It's hard to find out any information about the psychiatric care she's getting or if/when she'll be going to rehab. I don't know if we'll ever be together again. I don't want to "take away her children" and I know she has a disease, but my fear of her runs so deep that I doubt we will be able to live together as husband and wife again. Furthermore, she is _extremely_ smart and manipulative, and she knows what to say
in order to get out of whatever situation she's in, i.e. rehab. The funny/sad part about all this is that, and I'm sure this is common, she would always say "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER, YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, DRINKING ISN'T AGAINST THE LAW, THIS IS HOW I AM, JUST DEAL WITH IT, ETC ETC" and now there might be serious legal repurcussions for her actions, all because she couldn't stop drinking; it seems like the stupidest thing in the world.
If anyone has any advice, opinions, or anything, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
Now some background - my wife has a history of addiction and bipolar/antisocial personality disorder. She has been into pills for as long as I've known her. She only started drinking really heavily over the summer when I didn't have to work (I'm a teacher) and she could get drunk and I would be there to take care of our 4 kids (4, 1 1/2, and twins who are 6 months now). Almost every day, she would drink at least 400 ml of vodka or at least 1 L of wine. She also passed out drunk almost every day because she took kolonapins and/or Darvocets as well. When she drank vodka, though, she would get totally crazy and hit me, especially if she was mad about something. She would get this crazy look in her eye...and say all this crazy stuff about killing me, having me killed, etc. She stopped drinking vodka for a while, then started again when wine wasn't getting her drunk enough, I guess.
So when I started school last month, we were both supposed to get on the wagon...but that didn't last. I would bring her 200ml of vodka on my way home almost every day. Most of the time, that appeased her. I guess the stress of taking care of three kids for eight hours a day was getting to her...even though we have these part-time nannies that come over 3-4 hr every day. The past couple weekends, though, her drinking got totally crazy - she would send me out for vodka 3-4 times a day . If she was mad about something, if she was drunk enough, she would hit me again. Her behavior became... demented, not knowing what time it was, making our kids go to bed at 2 in the afternoon, and PHONE GAMES. She loved to play phone games, and make me call whomever she was mad at until they picked up the phone, again and again and again and again. Sometimes I fake called, though.
She said if I ever said anything about her drinking, she would divorce me. Well, we had this big talk with my parents about how she was going to go to a shrink. This was after she got super mad at my dad for insinuating that she had a drinking problem and was a bad mother. Well, when she's not drinking, she's the best, most organized mom out there. However, a week ago the situation came to a head.
She asked me to call out, like she did every day, almost. I didn't, then she called me several times at work, screaming hysterically (I think she was drunk already), and I heard the kids screaming in terror in the background. I'm a teacher so I can't just leave work - luckily they got someone to cover my last classes. So I went home and, like always, got her 200ml of vodka. She sent me out again in like an hour. She was "packing" to take the kids to her dad's house in NJ the next day. The whole time, she played angry phone games, calling my mom and dad, telling them how they broke up our marriage and stuff. Eventually she passed out, after hitting me again, in front of the kids again. She also threatened to kill me and have some of my family members killed by some white power dudes she used to know. So eventually, THANK GOD, my dad called the cops. I guess my mom heard her hitting me while she was on the phone or something. So she got arrested and was apparently not a model prisoner. She violated the EPO the first night. Even more shockingly, she accused me of hitting her, citing the bruises on her legs (she's anemic).
Well, it felt good to write all that down. So now she's in jail. It's hard to find out any information about the psychiatric care she's getting or if/when she'll be going to rehab. I don't know if we'll ever be together again. I don't want to "take away her children" and I know she has a disease, but my fear of her runs so deep that I doubt we will be able to live together as husband and wife again. Furthermore, she is _extremely_ smart and manipulative, and she knows what to say
in order to get out of whatever situation she's in, i.e. rehab. The funny/sad part about all this is that, and I'm sure this is common, she would always say "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER, YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, DRINKING ISN'T AGAINST THE LAW, THIS IS HOW I AM, JUST DEAL WITH IT, ETC ETC" and now there might be serious legal repurcussions for her actions, all because she couldn't stop drinking; it seems like the stupidest thing in the world.
If anyone has any advice, opinions, or anything, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 38
Welcome fff, I'm sorry I don't have any advice right now except read other posts, and keep strong and well for the kids. WoW alcohol, drugs and mental illness is a very lethal combination. It's safer for her, you and the children where she is now. One thing that strikes me right away is maybe her hormones are out of whack since you have 6 month old babies. I have a daughter that is bipolar and she had a lot of issues after her baby was born that were hormone related. Good luck and I'm sure other people will have advice for you. Maryanne
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
fff...oh my...I am so sorry! As you read our various stories here, you will find many have had some really bad times as well. You are not alone! I am glad you found us.
I was a very abused wife years ago, my first husband. Manipulative, cruel, hurtful, and loved mind games. You are a good person and now this latest event may be a good thing. Sometimes, when we are in an abusive situation, we cannot see how very bad it is, or keeps getting worse and we cannot see it. We are so busy trying to appease this person in our lives that we lose ourselves and our "radar" of what is good or bad for us. Maybe you will be able to step back from it and see it for what it is--abusive. No one deserves to be abused--no one. And if she does need psychiatric help, maybe now she will will get it.
No one can tell you what to do, but I found out that when the abusive person was out of my every day life, that there was peace. Sometimes, I was so uncomfortable having peace that I could not make it through a 1/2 tv show before getting nervous, like I should be doing something, etc.
But as time went on, I started to see through the fog....I highly recommend alanon. They can support you through this and direct you to resources to help. Also, I just started reading "Co-depenant No More" by Melody Beattie...you will be amazed at how much you will see yourself and understand what is happening in your life.
My daughter was 5 yrs old when I snuck out when he took a shower after work. I left with my purse, keys, daughter's hand in mine and my car. Nothing else. But I lived through it, and you will too live through all this. Take care of yourself and especially your kids, show them what love is supposed to be, not what they have seen up to now.
Hang in there...and keep posting. We are happy you are here with us. Sending hugs....you must need it after all you have been through.
I was a very abused wife years ago, my first husband. Manipulative, cruel, hurtful, and loved mind games. You are a good person and now this latest event may be a good thing. Sometimes, when we are in an abusive situation, we cannot see how very bad it is, or keeps getting worse and we cannot see it. We are so busy trying to appease this person in our lives that we lose ourselves and our "radar" of what is good or bad for us. Maybe you will be able to step back from it and see it for what it is--abusive. No one deserves to be abused--no one. And if she does need psychiatric help, maybe now she will will get it.
No one can tell you what to do, but I found out that when the abusive person was out of my every day life, that there was peace. Sometimes, I was so uncomfortable having peace that I could not make it through a 1/2 tv show before getting nervous, like I should be doing something, etc.
But as time went on, I started to see through the fog....I highly recommend alanon. They can support you through this and direct you to resources to help. Also, I just started reading "Co-depenant No More" by Melody Beattie...you will be amazed at how much you will see yourself and understand what is happening in your life.
My daughter was 5 yrs old when I snuck out when he took a shower after work. I left with my purse, keys, daughter's hand in mine and my car. Nothing else. But I lived through it, and you will too live through all this. Take care of yourself and especially your kids, show them what love is supposed to be, not what they have seen up to now.
Hang in there...and keep posting. We are happy you are here with us. Sending hugs....you must need it after all you have been through.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR fff! I'm glad you found us!
First of all, my heart is absolutely breaking for your children. The terror they must feel with your wife's outbursts and violence must be so horrible, not to mention how damaging and potentially life threatening it is for them! (And of course for you too)! Even though they are still very young, they are learning that 'this is a normal way of life'.
Your children need at least one parental figure to look out for and protect them. And sometimes that involves making very, very tough choices for what is in 'their' best interest.
Violence is a particularly rough subject for me as I too was a domestic violence victim and now, survivor!
I hope, and pray, for your childrens' sake as well as yours that you get the temporary order turned into a permanent one for as long as she is using and acting this way.
I also suggest you might want to give Alanon a try and read books on codependency as well.
Keep coming back fff. We're here for you.
First of all, my heart is absolutely breaking for your children. The terror they must feel with your wife's outbursts and violence must be so horrible, not to mention how damaging and potentially life threatening it is for them! (And of course for you too)! Even though they are still very young, they are learning that 'this is a normal way of life'.
Your children need at least one parental figure to look out for and protect them. And sometimes that involves making very, very tough choices for what is in 'their' best interest.
Violence is a particularly rough subject for me as I too was a domestic violence victim and now, survivor!
I hope, and pray, for your childrens' sake as well as yours that you get the temporary order turned into a permanent one for as long as she is using and acting this way.
I also suggest you might want to give Alanon a try and read books on codependency as well.
Keep coming back fff. We're here for you.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Greetings,
I read your story and see some of my ex wife in yours.
Unfortunately without serious treatment and “AA” things will get worse. I speak of experience as well as the knowledge I now have from Alanon and people in AA.
The safety of your children and yourself are foremost, from physical, emotional and financial harm.
Please lean on family and friends for awhile and seek some meetings at Alanon if you are able to.
Keep coming back.
I read your story and see some of my ex wife in yours.
Unfortunately without serious treatment and “AA” things will get worse. I speak of experience as well as the knowledge I now have from Alanon and people in AA.
The safety of your children and yourself are foremost, from physical, emotional and financial harm.
Please lean on family and friends for awhile and seek some meetings at Alanon if you are able to.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Welcome to SR, fff....my heart breaks for the h*ll your children are in. Please make them your priority.
I wouldn't be able to live with an A on a daily basis unless the A was working a programme and seriously determined to turn their life around.
Keep posting.
ARL
I wouldn't be able to live with an A on a daily basis unless the A was working a programme and seriously determined to turn their life around.
Keep posting.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
WOW....what a "relief" it must be for you all (her,included) that she is safely in jail.
I'm so glad you are here,but sorry you find yourself in this position.
I saw several things that jumped out from your post, but mostly you worrying about "you taking her children away from her". Actually, if you do not do it in a loving way, I fear the CPS may take them from you both, or worse yet, they may be hurt or worse if left in her care. It is a difficult position to be in, but as you are aware,your children's safety and well-being must remain your top priority. (If she was not so ill, I am sure that she would agree with you about that.)
Read and post here and Alanon meetings if you can, are great help. I found learning as much about addiction and alcoholism has helped me so much,too. "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for a few "preview" chapters) are some other great books I have found.
I would no longer buy my AH alcohol; that was just a boundary I placed because I did not want to contribute to his self-harm and even more importantly his escalating anger,etc (yes...that "crazy-eyed-look") towards the kids and me when he drank. I could not stop him from drinking (nor tried) but if he wants it; he is on his own to get it. If that means your wife tries to drive drunk to get more,many here have called the police to intercept her as she pulled off. Those are just a few different options you can start to think about as a different way for YOU to deal with the situation. I got so beat down thinking I had no control over any of the events until I got here and learned there were different ways I could act that I had not even considered before.
Hope you keep coming back and reading and posting....you are in good company here. We understand the chaos you are living in, and the fear and the heartbreak. Things will get better for you now.
Concentrate on taking care of yourself and your children; they are counting on you.
I'm so glad you are here,but sorry you find yourself in this position.
I saw several things that jumped out from your post, but mostly you worrying about "you taking her children away from her". Actually, if you do not do it in a loving way, I fear the CPS may take them from you both, or worse yet, they may be hurt or worse if left in her care. It is a difficult position to be in, but as you are aware,your children's safety and well-being must remain your top priority. (If she was not so ill, I am sure that she would agree with you about that.)
Read and post here and Alanon meetings if you can, are great help. I found learning as much about addiction and alcoholism has helped me so much,too. "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for a few "preview" chapters) are some other great books I have found.
I would no longer buy my AH alcohol; that was just a boundary I placed because I did not want to contribute to his self-harm and even more importantly his escalating anger,etc (yes...that "crazy-eyed-look") towards the kids and me when he drank. I could not stop him from drinking (nor tried) but if he wants it; he is on his own to get it. If that means your wife tries to drive drunk to get more,many here have called the police to intercept her as she pulled off. Those are just a few different options you can start to think about as a different way for YOU to deal with the situation. I got so beat down thinking I had no control over any of the events until I got here and learned there were different ways I could act that I had not even considered before.
Hope you keep coming back and reading and posting....you are in good company here. We understand the chaos you are living in, and the fear and the heartbreak. Things will get better for you now.
Concentrate on taking care of yourself and your children; they are counting on you.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
glad you found us, fff. i'm sorry about your situation - addiction is a horrible disease. at this point, i'd suggest you put your and your children's recovery ahead of everything else. your wife will get the help she needs when she is ready. meanwhile, i'd keep her as far away from those kids and yourself as legally possible - you deserve some time to heal and make a safe plan.
my daughter is an alcoholic/addict - alanon and private counseling really help me.
blessings, and keep posting - k
my daughter is an alcoholic/addict - alanon and private counseling really help me.
blessings, and keep posting - k
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Welcome fff....I too am glad you found us and the truth is this:
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
But you can cure and control yourself. We codies (co-dependents) are addicted to our spouses like they are addicted to the booze. And we too need a recovery program to deal with our issues.....not just the issues that they bring to us but the ones that we cause by allowing them to do what they do to us and our families. You will learn all of this as time goes on...but for right now let us just welcome you here with open arms and a prayer on our lips. (((((((((((((((((fff))))))))))))))))
Janitw
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
But you can cure and control yourself. We codies (co-dependents) are addicted to our spouses like they are addicted to the booze. And we too need a recovery program to deal with our issues.....not just the issues that they bring to us but the ones that we cause by allowing them to do what they do to us and our families. You will learn all of this as time goes on...but for right now let us just welcome you here with open arms and a prayer on our lips. (((((((((((((((((fff))))))))))))))))
Janitw
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by fff 
Now some background - my wife has a history of addiction and bipolar/antisocial personality disorder.
She would need find a good Dr that can help her treat the disorders she has.
Alcohol can magnify the symptoms of her disorders and her disorders can magnify her desire to self medicate with alcohol.
Rehab can help her find part of the solutions. A quality Dr can help her find more solutions.
As for your going out and buying her the vodka... Seek out some Al Anon meetings for yourself and see if they can show you a better way of dealing with such a situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Im reading that andn many thoughts are running through my head. Ashamedly Ill admit my kids have witnessed such scenes with both AH and I as instigator, and sadly its effected them.
You need to not worry about taking the kids with her. Until she's actively getting help and doing well its the best thing you can do for them..
You need to not worry about taking the kids with her. Until she's actively getting help and doing well its the best thing you can do for them..
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Im sorry you and your children had to live in such scarey circumstances. She's right where she needs to be. She won't be drinking in jail, and will have time to dry out.
She needs serious help. I hope she finds it. But remember, the safety of the children is of utmost importance.
Hang in there, times will be rough for a while, but the peace will come to you and the children.
She needs serious help. I hope she finds it. But remember, the safety of the children is of utmost importance.
Hang in there, times will be rough for a while, but the peace will come to you and the children.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Mr. C said it right " The safety of your children and yourself are foremost, from physical, emotional and financial harm."
This is of prime importance! I would advise you to see a lawyer ASAP. At present, you are in the drivers seat. You can maintain custody of your kids due to her present actions. You may be able to keep her out of returning to the home by using "Domestic Criminal Tresspass" laws. You may be advised to get a restraining order.
I know this sounds harsh.......but the children must be protect. For you to protect them you must protect yourself....mentally, physically and financially. I would consider closing and or capping joint credit cards and checking accounts.
Be prepared!!!
This is of prime importance! I would advise you to see a lawyer ASAP. At present, you are in the drivers seat. You can maintain custody of your kids due to her present actions. You may be able to keep her out of returning to the home by using "Domestic Criminal Tresspass" laws. You may be advised to get a restraining order.
I know this sounds harsh.......but the children must be protect. For you to protect them you must protect yourself....mentally, physically and financially. I would consider closing and or capping joint credit cards and checking accounts.
Be prepared!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am sorryfor you to be in this position.My A ex/sons father was court ordered to rehab, and has not done anything to make that happen.
He will go to jail on December 4th, if he does not act within a week.
The court order came out of an attack which he now denies was an attack. He says that I attacked HIM!!(delusions)
He also suggested rehab for himself TO THE JUDGE, but still acts as if, and actually says that I fed him to the wolves.
I say do what you have to to have NO CONTACT. You will be amazed at how much sanity restores itself, and ESPECIALLY for your kids, this is so important.
AlAnon will put you in conatct with a support group who are dealing with similar issues. good luck, and hug your babies.
He will go to jail on December 4th, if he does not act within a week.
The court order came out of an attack which he now denies was an attack. He says that I attacked HIM!!(delusions)
He also suggested rehab for himself TO THE JUDGE, but still acts as if, and actually says that I fed him to the wolves.
I say do what you have to to have NO CONTACT. You will be amazed at how much sanity restores itself, and ESPECIALLY for your kids, this is so important.
AlAnon will put you in conatct with a support group who are dealing with similar issues. good luck, and hug your babies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
The court order came out of an attack which he now denies was an attack. He says that I attacked HIM!!(delusions)
She's in the rehab program in another jail now, so that's a step in the right direction.
I still don't trust her, though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy
...I highly recommend alanon. They can support you through this and direct you to resources to help. Also, I just started reading "Co-depenant No More" by Melody Beattie...you will be amazed at how much you will see yourself and understand what is happening in your life.
:
:
thanks for the recommendation...I just DL'ed the ebook of that =|, and did some research on codependency. The past few days have also enabled me to see what kind of nightmarish situation I was living in, and how she was able to hold me over a barrell, so to speak.
She will be at the hearing to extend the protection order on Tuesday. I plan on extending it at least six months or more - that may be up to the judge. However, I think I have to realize that she put herself in the position and she can't look to me to rescue her, protect her, or cover for her again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lancaster Ohio
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by 2Growstrong
Welcome fff, I'm sorry I don't have any advice right now except read other posts, and keep strong and well for the kids. It's safer for her, you and the children where she is now. One thing that strikes me right away is maybe her hormones are out of whack since you have 6 month old babies. I have a daughter that is bipolar and she had a lot of issues after her baby was born that were hormone related. Good luck and I'm sure other people will have advice for you. Maryanne
WoW alcohol, drugs and mental illness is a very lethal combination.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Auburn, MA
Posts: 14
One thing I wanted to add... my husband (the A) also has bi-polar and coincidentally we both met with his Psychiatrist today to go over his meds and he said that anti-depressants can sometimes "kick-up" those anger issues in people with bi-polar. I guess there's a negative reaction there so just keep that in mind if she is taking anti-depressants. Keep reading the invaluable advice people here share. We've all been there and know this is tough. Just remember that you are the only advocate those kids have right now. They can't pack up and leave her to protect themselves... you have the responsibility to put them and their safety above ALL else. Good luck to you.... we're here if you need us.
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