It just doesn't seem fair.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 32
It just doesn't seem fair.
His alcoholism isolated me to the point that I have become agoraphobic. I feel like I have no friends, no family, no support.
I have nothing to live for.
He left a big black hole in my heart and the only thing I have felt the last six months is pain.
Day in and day out.
When I start to feel slightly normal, I am kept awake at night with nightmares of his abuse.
All mental and emotional abuse.
For him life goes on, he is drinking, drugging having a great old time.
Why do the people left behind feel so much more pain...
I have nothing to live for.
He left a big black hole in my heart and the only thing I have felt the last six months is pain.
Day in and day out.
When I start to feel slightly normal, I am kept awake at night with nightmares of his abuse.
All mental and emotional abuse.
For him life goes on, he is drinking, drugging having a great old time.
Why do the people left behind feel so much more pain...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Her alcoholism made me decide to become an isolationist. The humiliation of seeing her drunk in public, staggering around at friends house parties, angry scenes in restaraunts, yelling about imagined wrongs, the ruined memories of special events.
Towards the end I refused to take her out in public. I chose to be an agoraphobic of sorts. Not that it made a bit of difference in her drinking. In fact, she would just get drunker than normal and attack me in my own house.
In hindsight, I shoulda kept her in the public spotlight for my own safety!
Towards the end I refused to take her out in public. I chose to be an agoraphobic of sorts. Not that it made a bit of difference in her drinking. In fact, she would just get drunker than normal and attack me in my own house.
In hindsight, I shoulda kept her in the public spotlight for my own safety!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Unstable State
Posts: 95
It will probably take a lot of time and a lot of work to leave this behind. If you go to Al-non you can get back in the game making friends etc. I don't really think life is fair in general, you just have to learn how to play the cards you are dealt.
Alcoholism does have a way of isolating us, sorry for your pain.
Alcoholism does have a way of isolating us, sorry for your pain.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
Hello AllMyFault,
There are many of us here who have been in the black hole. Some of us experienced it when we got here and some of us after we made risky changes after we got here. It is not hopeless though and we do climb our way out of the hole.
My son is the alcoholic in my life and I've cried a million tears and the stress got so bad that it did create a black hole. I finally realized that we were both drowning and if I died with him it would not solve anything. I had to choose to save myself.
I could not bring myself out of that depression without help. I took an anti-depressant for several months. It was enough to get me through while I took better care of myself and gained my strength back. It was so bad I knew I could not let anyone jeopardize my health because any further damage would destroy me.
It's time for you to take good care of yourself. I went to an abuse clinic and talked about everything for a few months. Just talking helped so much. She validated all my feelings and helped me sort it all out. I borrowed strength from members here and stayed around people who treated me like I was worth something. Slowly but surely I got better. You are worth a lot and there are people out here who feel that way about you. Borrow from them until you own it yourself again.
Many hugs,
MG
There are many of us here who have been in the black hole. Some of us experienced it when we got here and some of us after we made risky changes after we got here. It is not hopeless though and we do climb our way out of the hole.
My son is the alcoholic in my life and I've cried a million tears and the stress got so bad that it did create a black hole. I finally realized that we were both drowning and if I died with him it would not solve anything. I had to choose to save myself.
I could not bring myself out of that depression without help. I took an anti-depressant for several months. It was enough to get me through while I took better care of myself and gained my strength back. It was so bad I knew I could not let anyone jeopardize my health because any further damage would destroy me.
It's time for you to take good care of yourself. I went to an abuse clinic and talked about everything for a few months. Just talking helped so much. She validated all my feelings and helped me sort it all out. I borrowed strength from members here and stayed around people who treated me like I was worth something. Slowly but surely I got better. You are worth a lot and there are people out here who feel that way about you. Borrow from them until you own it yourself again.
Many hugs,
MG
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
I realize it feels like you have lost everything and there is no hope, because I too felt the same way you do when my AH left, but now two years down the road, I realize that my life actually had just begun after he left. Although it was difficult to pick myself up and start completely all over again, making new friends, finding hobbies and trying to remember what it was that I enjoyed doing, my life is soooo much better without him in it. I actually have a life now and no longer have to babysit the alcoholic in my life. It may seem like the end of the world, but you life can be so much more than you ever imagined. Take things one day at a time, get to some Alanon meetings, make some new supportive friends, things will get better when you start focusing on yourself.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We feel pain when we argue with reality
You probably mourn the relationship the way you had wanted it to be (I've been there done that myself)
Start having your own good ole time. Maybe:
join a Gym, visit family, have family over for dinner, Find an Al-anon group and get involved with it...I have made some very dear friends that I see socially through alanon. Redecorate your home etc. Get Busy and get out. Find someone or a group to talk about your loss with. Loss never feels good we just have to mourn and then move on and it takes however long it takes.
You probably mourn the relationship the way you had wanted it to be (I've been there done that myself)
Start having your own good ole time. Maybe:
join a Gym, visit family, have family over for dinner, Find an Al-anon group and get involved with it...I have made some very dear friends that I see socially through alanon. Redecorate your home etc. Get Busy and get out. Find someone or a group to talk about your loss with. Loss never feels good we just have to mourn and then move on and it takes however long it takes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
AllMyFault, I understand completely how you are feeling. I'm facing some potentially serious health issues, I'm watching AH in the end stage of alcoholism, and I really feel the loneliness. Even when I speak with my sponsor, I feel disconnected. It's like a dark hole. I doubt that any human being could bring me out of this right now. But I do hold onto the belief that what doesn't kill us will make us stronger.
Keep posting on here about how you feel. Share your thoughts with others. Perhaps going to a few meetings just to listen to others share would help. I have no family at all, so I know it's difficult when that source of support is missing.
People here DO care, and if you don't feel like reaching out face-to-face right now, just keep coming back to share with us.
Keep posting on here about how you feel. Share your thoughts with others. Perhaps going to a few meetings just to listen to others share would help. I have no family at all, so I know it's difficult when that source of support is missing.
People here DO care, and if you don't feel like reaching out face-to-face right now, just keep coming back to share with us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"The humiliation of seeing her drunk in public, staggering around at friends house parties, angry scenes in restaraunts, yelling about imagined wrongs, the ruined memories of special events."
This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Tollbooth, I could easily have written those words. Had I moved in with my XABF I could never have gone out in public with him and my non-A friends. It would have been humiliating. The only places he can go out in public are places that accept that type of behavior, i.e trashy tiki bars along the Keys. The only people he can go out with are those just like him, or who accept that type of behavior for the money he throws around.
Me? No way. I'm not going to be insulted in public. I'm no queen, but I deserve respect. It was the boorish behavior or me. I won, he lost, and he's back with someone who accepts the insanity for whatever reason.
The purpose of being in a relationship is for each to build the other up. To realize and support each other's dreams. There's no room for that in an A relationship.
This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Tollbooth, I could easily have written those words. Had I moved in with my XABF I could never have gone out in public with him and my non-A friends. It would have been humiliating. The only places he can go out in public are places that accept that type of behavior, i.e trashy tiki bars along the Keys. The only people he can go out with are those just like him, or who accept that type of behavior for the money he throws around.
Me? No way. I'm not going to be insulted in public. I'm no queen, but I deserve respect. It was the boorish behavior or me. I won, he lost, and he's back with someone who accepts the insanity for whatever reason.
The purpose of being in a relationship is for each to build the other up. To realize and support each other's dreams. There's no room for that in an A relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by CBrown 
The purpose of being in a relationship is for each to build the other up. To realize and support each other's dreams. There's no room for that in an A relationship.
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