fluffyflea

Hi Everyone,

I know there are bigger red flags than this one (if it is a red flag at all) I stopped seeing this man I was seeing a HUGE reason being his place was so messy and awful.

In oreder to be comfortable to be there it meant I would have had to start cleaning while I was there to make myself comfortable and I wasn't going to do that. I have enough to do in my own life.

I guess my question is Would a messy house bother othe rpeople here? To m ethe writing on the wall was having to follow this person around and keep them organized and part of my recovery is not to do that anymore.

Thanks

Ngaire

ICU

In answer to your question...'yes'!!

My home, is a reflection of me. Now I'm not saying that I could pass 'the white glove test', but aside from that, it is neat, organized, and as clean as it could be with 4 furbabies (of which 3 of them shed).

I will admit, in times when I don't feel good about myself, being sad, sick, depressed, etc. my home reflects that too. Dishes will pile up in the sink even though the dishwasher is about 6" away. Clothes will pile up on the chair instead of being put in the hamper. The recycle bin will begin to overflow, etc., etc. That is a clear sign to me that something is amiss.

One of my ex's home was just awful...cluttered, dirty, unorganized, etc. Eating at the kitchen table was impossible because it was over flowing with junk...bills that were 2-3 months past due, flyers, newspapers, left-over food wrappings, etc. He was too busy partying and staying out till all hours of the night to tend to such meaningless details. His his life, his home, his choices! But it was a turn off for sure.

If I were to meet him today, after some recovery under my belt, I would view his home as a reflection upon him and not look to pursue that relationship. But, that's just me based on my experiences.

Barbara52

I wished I had had the good sense to recognize my then fiance's messy, cluttered, dirty house as a red flag.

ladyjane

When my son was trying to recover from his addictions he kept his things neat. When he was in active addiction you couldn't walk in his house. Keeping things neat is just another way of taking care of ourselves. When they're active they just don't care.
Trish

Rella927

Yup uh huh! I know when I was not taking care of myself I had boxes of JUNK and bags of mail strewn throughout the house and closets.....it was not the way I live my life-I myself sometimes am to NEAT! (if that is possible) My car is clean, my home is clean and heck I even wash my little furbabies bed once a week!

IMHO if someone is living in a messy home it is more than likely something is going on with them inside themselves (not to take inventory) but, lets be honest when you feel good I believe anyone wants a clean environment it makes you feel good about yourself-you feel good then everything falls into better place!

I know that today I live with a clean home with no toxic waste and that is how I want to live life free of toxic things and people!

Aquarian

I agree with the others. When my life feels good, my house is pretty neat and organized. When I feel like I am not sure if I want to be there, it gets dustier, messier etc. When I feel unsure of my relationship I don't even feel like taking on the 'responsibility' of planting flowers.

I do think where/how a person lives is an indicatior of how they are inside of themselves.

parentrecovers

huge red flag at my house - i can see the writing on the wall when my daughter quits picking up her room and/or taking care of her personal hygiene. always means she's using/drinking or thinking about it...

hugs, k

cagefree

Ya done good!

I don't think this is off-topic at all. As codependents, we tend to invalidate our first instincts and place importance on them based on the tallies we get from others. Since you also felt the codie urge to clean the mess (be responsible for his mess), my guess is that you did the right thing.

You don't need any other reason to break it off with someone than it doesn't feel good to you

You ROCK! I hope that when I run into the same situation that I can recognize it right away, just like you did!

GiveLove

My mother in law finds our house very messy because we have a placemat on the dining room table where the unopened mail and newspapers go, there's usually a glass or two on the sink waiting to be washed, and we only vacuum once a week. She's said as much. We don't intend to change...it's just not that important. (but we clean up when she's coming now, because we don't want her to be uncomfortable)

I think clean is all a matter of perspective. But if it's a red flag for YOU that his style is going to make you feel disgusted, then I'd absolutely follow your instinct. If he's got junk piled up all over the place, and more importantly doesn't seem to care enough to even make YOU comfortable visiting, then to heck with him.

I agree - not off topic!

Barbara52

In my mind there is a difference between the normal clutter and mess of daily life and dirty. My place is always a bit disorderly 'cause I don't spend all that much time worrying about stuff being around. Heck within a couple of hours of really, really cleaning there is stuff around. But it is clean.

reader

I agree with Barbara.. I must ask, is it clutter or real filth. I am a clutterbug but my house isn't dirty.

mike_mass

It's a sign of laziness, you'd end up being the bum's maid.

embraced2000

it may be really wrong of me, but i compare what is going on in someones mind, with how they keep their living space, their car, their hygiene. i've been proven very, very wrong with that assumption before, but it is very rare.

in a nutshell.....messy house, messy mind.

it can go the other way, too. overly clean and obsessive about their housekeeping can be a red flag, too.

jmho

fluffyflea

It is clutter in the tenth degree, you have to clear off a chair to sit down, everything is everywhere. forget about eating at the kitchen table.
but yet the dishes are done, there is a shelf in the livingroom of neatly folded and pressed laundry but everything around is total chaos.

Ngaire

FormerDoormat

I little messiness is one thing, but messiness to the point of making me want to clean someone else's house in order to make myself comfortable is a sign of a disordered life.

A disordered life = a red flag. Cudos to you for recognizing it.

FormerDoormat

"Overly clean and obsessive about their housekeeping can be a red flag, too"

Uh oh.

hadenoughnow

If you have to clean up a place to sit down it's a bad sign! Call me cynical but he is probably testing to see if you are willing to either clean up after him or if you accept his messy ways, either is not good IMO.

Barbara52

The excessive disorder can also be an indicator of obsessive compulsive disorder. That often can include the inability to throw anything away.

Or they just don't like to put stuff away. Or don't have any place to put all that stuff. Or, well who knows.

That kind of clutter thought would drive me nuts.

denny57

I wouldn't assume anything about him because of it. What matters to me today is understanding what I want in my life. If I can't stand the clutter, I don't belong in the relationship. If there is one thing I've learned through all of this is there is no changing anyone else. They is what they is.

Pick-a-name

YIKES! My son was just home and helping me throw out clutter I have accumulated for a long time. It is ExAH husband who is the neat-freak in the group.

Yes; my emotions and mind,etc have be in chaos;so have my kids' and our house. My son and I both have ADD......I didn't take medication for a few months (bad choice) and have started up in the past six months and been changing my medication and it has made a big (helpful) difference. My son isn't taking any now (old enough I can not "force" it)....he is more like his dad and Gpa....rather obsessive-compulsive.....throws out things no matter if they are new,old,whatever (if I am not there) jams things into closets,etc...looks great until you go to find something or put it away. UGH. He came home and helped me go thru some of these places he jammed things in over the past few years.

ExAH is clean,organized,etc but can't deal with the unorganization of living some times lately. Like finger prints on the glass of the car when the kids would ride, or other trivial stuff....

What a subject for me today!