laketime

Most of you know the history of my 20 yr old as, but Ill recap for newbies. He was arrested here for being with a 15 yr old girl, and having drug paraphanalia. He went to an Oxford house in Nashville for a couple of months and met a friend to move in with in a NA meeting. Hes been there for a little over a month. He got laid off almost three weeks ago and Ive been paying for him to stay up there. Hes told me hes in training for a new job. That is supposed to start Monday. My older SS told me hes seen him in his town about thirty minutes away talking to this 16 year old girl the last three days in a row. . I casually asked him about being in Murfreesboro so much. He told me about this girl and said he was her sponsor, she's an addict and a cutter. She is supposedly in recovery. He also told me he;s hanging out with some more people over there besides her who are also in recovery. I have agreed to give him more money until he starts getting paid. I guess Ill just have to wait and see what he does when this job starts. Im 75 miles away and don't really know if he's using or not. I guess Ill get a better idea when I find out if he can keep this job. I just hope he's not going down the same old underage girl road again. He started using when he was 15 and I think his brain is stuck there, and this may have something to do with his immature intrest in younger girls. Thanks for letting me ramble.

Easeful

For what it's worth in the groups I've been in male/female sponsor/sponsee relationships were discouraged. Also my groups encouraged a minimum of 1 year of sobriety before sponsoring anyone else.

CatsPajamas

((Lake))

Unfortunately, he's going to do what he's going to do... but he's also old enough (even with a 15 yr old mindset) that he can understand consequences for his actions.

In MY neck of the woods, they strongly discourage men from sponsoring women and vice versa. It can really muck up a good recovery to have all those emotional/ relationship feelings mixed up in there.

Stay strong, work on your boundaries, take extra good care of yourself. When junk like this happens in my world I try to grab a few more meetings to keep my mind from wandering... it's a bad neighborhood up there in my head sometimes and I really shouldn't go there alone!

Hugs

Cats

cece1960

You are not rambling (((Laketime))))

What does your gut say?

Mine, after reading your post says there's a good chance he's stepping off track. I highly, highly doubt he would be asked to be the gals sponsor, and hanging out in a town with other recovering addicts (like you would around a water cooler) is just too convenient, ya know?

My kid knew all the words and phrases after being in rehab. Just enough to stop me in my tracks. He admitted later down the road that he honestly thought thats what I wanted to hear. I don't know, he may have had a point there.

But...we never really know why they do what they do, or often all of what they do.
You've committed to help until the job starts, which is right around the corner. What you choose to do after is your call.

If it helps, my kid fell flat on his face several times before he gave up the dope. The time spent in rehab was not wasted...not one minute.
Today, we practice different battles...ugh.

Hang in there Lake...he has the tools should he choose to use them
((((Hugs))))
Cece

mooselips

((Lake)))
Time will tell, I suppose.
For now, you take care of you....

Hugs,

marle

I agree that now is the time to take care of you. Maybe think about whether you need to make some boundaries about how much you will be willing to support him in the future. Relationships are also discouraged for the first year in recovery. Seems to just muck things up too much and I can understand why. Hugs, Marle

krhea75

Hey lake,
Sorry for the chaos. Sounds like it might be the same old same old. I wish that it weren't for your sake. Hugs and prayers to you.
krhea

hope213

((((lake))) we r powerless what they decided to do with their life. keep the focus on yourself as hard as i know it can be sometimes. do something good for yourself & remember you deserve.prayers for your son that he is ok.

bookmiser

Laketime,

I feel ya, dawg. That's what my son would say. lol
Speaking of sons...mine will be 26 in November and is in the mindset of a 18 yo.
Yet, he's messin' with someone who's 36. We'll never figure these people out.
I give up tryin'. Join me, won't you?

I know what you mean about helping him out and then, come to find out...
been there and done it. Not in a long time, though. Thank you very much.
Just wanna send out my support and prayers that things work out to the good for him and his recovery.

Hugs,
Linda

mjpaao

(( laketime ))
I agree with the others. AA would frown on anyone that early in sobriety being a sponser, never mind the gender difference.
Don't know what else to say, except your family will be in my prayers. Hang in there, Lake, take care.

greeteachday

Great responses..Nothing to add but support, Lake. More will be revealed soon and then you can decide if or for how long you are going to continue to help him. I guess you will know next week if he really has the new job. Prayers that if this is a stumble, it is one he can recover from quickly.

lil516

I have to agree with the others...doesn't sound like he has enough clean time to be a sponsor (yet) and male/female is definitely not encouraged....seems like this is more of an unsanctioned "sponorship" ....friendships made at meetings....friends helping friends...


however, it could also be business as usual...

time will tell

take care of you and keep your boundaries in place

I agree with your observation regarding his immaturity....addiction arrests development....he probably feels most comfortable with that age group...however, he is still playing with fire if he becomes involved with an underage girl...

this is out of your hands...

as a parent I truly feel your pain

I will say a prayer for your son tonight...I pray his recovery is still moving forward

Wascally Wabbit

I agree with cats pajamas. I personally don't think its a good thing for opposite sexes to sponsor each other. My mom has done it twice in her 30 years of AA sponsorships, but she was well into her late 60's and the men were in their 20's and 30's.
Besides, how can someone who doesnt' have much recovery time and experience sponsor someone?
I hope for you and your son that things don't get worse, and he starts to recognize his behavior patterns. He needs a good sponsor, a mature male who can LEAD him to where he needs to be.

pjbs55

(((Lake)))
Take care of YOU!!! What your son does or doesn't do will be done no matter what you want. I am praying that things work out for you. Attend extra meetings if you can.
Hugs coming to you from another mom

Louise54

Sorry, Lake. I know where your coming from. You really want to believe that they're on the road to recovery, just to get disappointed again. Like above, time will tell, meanwhile hang in there and take care of you and Mrs. Lake.

caileesnana

A man 'sponsoring' a woman is what they call "13th Steppin" or so I was told. I do know from the meeting I've gone to it is highly discouraged. :uzi2:

Praying your son continues on his sober road and you and the MRS. take care of each other. I feel you pain and frustration.
susan

MsPINKAcres

prayers for you & Mrs. Lake - for AS too -

as others have said in different ways "We will know what we need to know when we need to know"

Trust in your HP & take good care of YOU.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

rahsue

QUOTEMy kid knew all the words and phrases after being in rehab. Just enough to stop me in my tracks. He admitted later down the road that he honestly thought thats what I wanted to hear. I don't know, he may have had a point there.QUOTE


Boy oh boy is that the truth. I have even said, "who do you think you're fooling" and he has replied, "obvioulsy not you".

good luck to you and your son

Lobo

Lake,
I'm sorry for the disappointment you are having right now. Keep in mind that relapse is a part of recovery. He has the tools he needs to get himself back on track. I agree that he sounds immature. My RAD is 26 and she is behind in her maturity also.
I would be careful about the money you are sending to support him.

I know that you are not sure about what is going on with him right now. Eventually things will unfold and the facts will come out. Take care of yourself right now. You can act but don't react.

Hugs..........Lo