DII

I'm sure I'll catch hell for this post....but I need the feedback from the "crew" here SR!
My AW has just received her DUI 10 days ago and I am in the middle of getting busy figuring out my divorce process........and I woke up this morning saying to myself "would I be divorcing her if she was sober?". I have to tell you the answer is NO! I guess the real answer is will she ever "get it" and do the work to figure our what it is about herself that drivers her to the bottle. Low-self esteem, poor self image etc. Do I rush into a divorce or stay separated? She's open to that now......I really think she's means it this time. It's a different feeling from all the other times. Could it be that since I have told her there is no chance for us and I wanted a divorce that she has stopped "trying" so hard and is letting go of me and focusing on herself?

I want to wait and see.....but is telling her that, just keeping her from working on HER! It's almost like I have to leave her completely before she can focus on herself. If there's even a hope of us getting back together she will not focus on her but only on me and thus the cycle of avoiding her issues continue.

I know I sound like a moron but this is the first time in a year that I can honestly say I am conflicted about leaving her.

Spiritual Seeker

Divorce is usually not an easy decision, no matter the circumstances, especially if there are children involved. Follow your intuition, if separation seems right for now than so be it. You have a big heart.

AWEDA

You are not a moron. You are hoping for the best. Give it time,keep focusing on your recovery. Time will tell if she is embracing sobriety. My husband has been to rehab,jail and mental hospitals he finally admitted it's due to alcoholism. They always have that hope they can drink like "normal" people only to find it's worse each time they go back.We have been apart for 6 months, I have learned alot about myself and educated myself on how alcoholism really is a sickness of the mind,body and soul. We are SLOWLY starting to spend time together and I am seeing he has embraced sobriety and is following directions this time. Admitting he was powerless took time(also for me) thinking I could love him into wanting to change, I was just driving myself crazy. People think I am insane for trying again with him but I keep coming back to "this is what I was waiting for",a chance to have a healthy family. I must always remember I cannot lose myself in him again. I need to be my own person,keep my mind free of wanting to rescue him from the long journey we have ahead. I know it will be hard work and I wondered if we are stong enough to do it. Each day I pray to my higher power to keep me focused on the peace I am finally having. Much luck to you and you wife..........

SaTiT

you're not a moron..anybody and everybody problably thought it through
and through and still second guess themselves too...at least I did.
It's about as normal as it's going to get.

Just check it off as a stage you got passed or getting through.

Try to bring your attention or focus back into the moment or today.
There's no tellin what's going to happen in the future and that's
how our obsession or mind starts spining..becuase our mind no matter
what it project or sernarios of what's going happen in the future simply
do not have that answer. And on gose the emotions of uncertainty, dout,
fears or guilt.

we suffered from our emotions being draged through the mud.

The pull also stems from you're on the verge of breaking your comfortzone.
Your mind and body knows this..so it'll try to hang on to what is familar
and comfortable no matter how un healthy it is. In other words you became
accustom to living in chaos and uncertainty and that's your co-dependency
you and I still suffer from dependency...it's just a CO

I'm sorry for your lost. You're hope and dreams of a happy marriage and
family. The love of your life. I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering you
had to endure throught the years.
It's okay to cry becuase it hurts like hell.

Mr. Christian

I say you keep moving forward. If she does what she says she will do and is sober for more the ONE YEAR, then you can look back and give it some more thought.

They often will say what you want to hear to stop you from your actions.
Then when we do back down all we are known for are empty threats.


Many people in life get back together or re marry, so it’s not the end of the world.

Rella927

How do you follow a post like this? It states everything wonderfully....when our emotions and fear get the better of us we do start to wander with the what if's and so and so ....it is not worth it to us!

I'm not sure that you have stated in any of your other posts that you were going to counseling or Al-Anon? It maybe a start to try that out for YOU and see if it will help you to get the focus back on yourself and TODAY!

I too am sorry for your all the pain that you are going through-and let out the tears-I know it has helped me to cleanse myself it is like a big relief when we allow ourselves to do this! Its HUGE!

denny57

I received good advice early on from our doctor and accountant (go figure LOL). They both recommended divorce because it would separate me from any future damage, including financial. Loads of people get remarried (I won't be one of them!!!! LOL!!!!!)

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. When the finances start to be compromised it can be hell.

Alcoholism and its repercussions are reason enough to divorce.

Buffalo66

This post has brought me to tears... I have a child with my A, not married, but, I ask the question all the time; "Would we work out if he was sober?"

I fear that my conclusion is that this question actually leads me into the fantasy that keeps me from focusing on moving away from harms way.

It is so hard to just go on what is real/ actions/ not words, not hopes, not dreams...because I believe that dreams and hopes are so important. This is the hardest part for me right now. I want to believe in the best. I want to.

Ive said this before, but, it is still true for me;

Miracles DO happen, but I'm not God.

Good luck, you are in my prayers.B66

wpgwoman

Is it not possible to just go apply for a legal separation, that way you can protect yourselves financially?? Maybe that won't seem so final to you.

That would give you both the time and space necessary to work on your individual recoveries. You can then see if she is remotely interested in finding recovery, from a safe distance, without all the daily drama in your lives.

Just a thought.

LaTeeDa

In the past, I based my decisions on what might happen. I was consistently miserable. Now I base my decisions on what is, whether I like it or not. Acting according to reality has brought peace to my life.

L

Jazzman

All you can do is make the best decision you can with what information you have at the time. M was not the Mother of my children so my situation was different. When her poor choices were starting to threaten my ability to provide for my children she had run out of chances with me.

Your choices are yours alone to make and you don't have to answer to anyone. Just keep your kids best interests in mind and you'll be fine.

If you have no choice but to make changes that safeguard your ability to support your children and keep them in a healthy environment, keep in mind there's no law that says you can't try again later if she sobers up.

I did get back w/ M for a short time two years after we were divorced. She slipped again and we split up without the state getting involved, no separation no lawyers, no divorce, just... see ya!

Janitw

The big question is how long will you allow her to drive with your property deed on the hood of her vehicle???? At this point in time she is a liability and not an asset. I know that hurts to hear because someone put it to me just that way. It knocks you right off your feet doesn't it? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you in any way. But you have kids to look out for and that includes any asset that you intend to leave them one day. Many people divorce then they get well and then they remarry. I know of a couple who remarried 3 times. If you are meant to be together then time will tell but don't let her drag you and the kids down with her ok. Take care.

queenteree

My HP must be directing me lately. Even Alanon meeting I have been to in the past 2-3 weeks has had something I could relate and walk away with. Posts on here seem to come on just as I am having a similar issue. I like this thread cause I thought the same thing just a few months ago before my husband went to rehab. That's why when he went to rehab, I thought he was "getting it" and then he stayed sober and worked the program for 3 months, and I thought "wow, this is the way life is supposed to be." Well, low and behold, he doesn't get it and NEVER WILL. The whole month of September has been like one major relapse. The only good that came out of this relapse was that I put my heart, soul and all energies into Alanon, and after the past 6 days realized he has destroyed every ounce of love I have for him. I still care, but no longer love, which is actually a good thing. I wish you and your wife well, and I truly hope she finally does get it, but always remember that possibility of relapse. And thanks Janit - my AH drives drunk all the time, is in danger of losing his job and God knows what else, and you're absolutely right, he is a liability, not an asset, and marriage shouldn't be like that. Thank God I am finally learning to love myself and think of myself and know I deserve better.

Barbara52

Even if I thought there was a remote chance AH and I could get back together, I would proceed with my divorce to protect myself financially. I am legally responsbile for many of his debts as long as we are married. I will not take the risk of losing my house or the equity in it because he is not responsible.

kj21

I like that, is he a liability or and asset? that is a good way to think about it when wavering...thanks

splendra

You might want to put this divorce on hold but, don't put your life on hold. I think it would be a good idea to see if she can remain sober for a year before actually you resume the relationship. Love will not die in a year but your feelings may change.

Janitw

Queen.......my xah drank and drove every single day for 22 years and I was always so very afraid of what would happen if he actually hit someone. He had accidents but left the scene every time. No one was ever involved with them but him and supposedly animals on the road crossing his path......his story and he stuck to it. I think when its all said and done that the moment the divorce was final I was so hurt and sad but yet relieved also that I no longer had to worry about losing my home because of his carelessness. He never would even consider going to rehab cuz he didnt have the problem - I did.....he truly was a legend in his own mind....those were his lies and he can tell them how he wanted to....his problem not mine. Take care hunny...

DII

Thanks To all of you that posted! It means more to me than you will ever know!

Kitty Gatita

That is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for such wisdom.

CBrown

I do not believe in divorce, yet I acknowledge that there are times when it is necessary, and I went through it myself!

Two things stick out here: "If she were not an alcoholic, would I divorce her? No." But she is an alcoholic.

My inclination would be a separation. A friend of mine had a spouse go through "temporary insanity." He took off with another woman, she separated from him, it took about two years, but he came back to his senses and has been an excellent husband and father since. No, he was NOT an A, so there's a big difference. Let's put the financial liability issue aside. What does it hurt to do a formal separation? You're not planning on marrying anytime soon are you? You still love her, right? You want to see her in long-term recovery, right? You do want to believe in her right? So do all those things! But not at the expense of your sanity. If divorce is what it takes for you to have peace in your life, then that might be the road to go.

If you can get a legal separation where you are protected from her financially, then that might be the way to go. If you are still at great risk due to DUI, etc., then you need to protect yourself first. You don't want to lose everything because of her addiction.

Good luck, I wish you ALL the best!