Can't let go of my anger.......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 104
Can't let go of my anger.......
How do you stop being filled with so much hate and resentment towards your A. It is so consuming sometimes and just keeps eating at you. I have been going to meetings and am reading the codependency books. Nothing seems to be helping.
Even when you can see there are efforts on their part, it just makes me angrier.
Insight anyone??
Even when you can see there are efforts on their part, it just makes me angrier.
Insight anyone??
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I have to say, three years on and I am still not entirely rid of my anger. There is some residual stuff in there that I am going to dig out next week once and for all.
I thought I was angry with him. I was mistaken - I was angry at myself for getting into that situation, ignoring the red flags, committing myself to someone who hadn't proved they were up to that committment, perpetuating cycle after cycle of nonsense and not leaving when things would have been way more straightforward.
Also, I was angry at him - because he did not do what I thought he should be doing. How arrogant is that! Instead of being with someone who was already a healthy person, I thought that my fantastic healing powers would make him the man he should be. The fact that I failed in my mission is no reflection on him. Nor on me. But is is a reflection of some insane ideas I had at the time.
My anger towards him lessened when I realised that none of the stuff he did was personal. He just did it - he did it long before I arrived and continues to do it long after I have gone.
I think the anger dissipates when we allow ourselves to forgive. And it is ourselves that need forgiveness more than anyone.
I thought I was angry with him. I was mistaken - I was angry at myself for getting into that situation, ignoring the red flags, committing myself to someone who hadn't proved they were up to that committment, perpetuating cycle after cycle of nonsense and not leaving when things would have been way more straightforward.
Also, I was angry at him - because he did not do what I thought he should be doing. How arrogant is that! Instead of being with someone who was already a healthy person, I thought that my fantastic healing powers would make him the man he should be. The fact that I failed in my mission is no reflection on him. Nor on me. But is is a reflection of some insane ideas I had at the time.
My anger towards him lessened when I realised that none of the stuff he did was personal. He just did it - he did it long before I arrived and continues to do it long after I have gone.
I think the anger dissipates when we allow ourselves to forgive. And it is ourselves that need forgiveness more than anyone.
city girl in podunk
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: 3rd cornfield from the west
Posts: 34
I don't know if I have much advice for ya wpgwoman, but I can let you know I'm in the same boat too. It sucks.
I just keep telling myself to let go of the past hurts, even though they've left deep scars, b/c it's what I have to do if I want to go forward in this marriage. Maybe I'll get it through my stubborn head, hopefully soon!
We owe it to ourselves to try our hardest to let go of all the resentment. Otherwise, I think we just end up destroying ourselves. Don't let go of the resentment for the A's sake, do it for your own sake! --Hmm, I believe I just wrote a little gem of wisdom to add on to, "let go of the past hurts". Feel free to use it.
I just keep telling myself to let go of the past hurts, even though they've left deep scars, b/c it's what I have to do if I want to go forward in this marriage. Maybe I'll get it through my stubborn head, hopefully soon!
We owe it to ourselves to try our hardest to let go of all the resentment. Otherwise, I think we just end up destroying ourselves. Don't let go of the resentment for the A's sake, do it for your own sake! --Hmm, I believe I just wrote a little gem of wisdom to add on to, "let go of the past hurts". Feel free to use it.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Just wanted to add something......
Anger exists for a reason. Many (all?) times it is there to point out to us that something is dreadfully amiss. It is a warning sign.
Stuffing it down, I believe, can cause all sorts of psychological and physical damage, so good for you for reaching out to deal with it.
Anger exists for a reason. Many (all?) times it is there to point out to us that something is dreadfully amiss. It is a warning sign.
Stuffing it down, I believe, can cause all sorts of psychological and physical damage, so good for you for reaching out to deal with it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
HI,
I have to say, that I agree with Minnie on some of this. I am finding that the anger is really mine, and when I stop engaging in it with him, I find that what is there is grief over what I have done to MYSELF. What I have ALLOWED.
I have spent so much energy, and neglected other parts of me and my life in the name of holding onto that anger... BUT, what I have been discovering is that all those hours on the phone yelling, brewing by myself alone, trying to deal with what HE has done or is doing was mostly just a distraction from the real truth underneath, and that is all about me and my relationship to myself...what I sold out to be with someone, what I gave up.
I am just trying to stop the ride and get on with grieving for what I gave up. That is helping with the anger.
Stopping the ride, and stopping screaming at him in reality or in my mind that he is ruining me, and that its all him, and then I realize, I have a part in this. I have a choice.I am still jsut figuring it out, and I stumble alot, but I am just now looking over my choices, and when I feel on good days that I am in contact with those choices, I find out that I dont want that anger to sit in my mind for that day, or moment, and my goal is to just increase those days and moments until there are more of them than there are anger days or moments.I want more of those moments that are mine. B66
I have to say, that I agree with Minnie on some of this. I am finding that the anger is really mine, and when I stop engaging in it with him, I find that what is there is grief over what I have done to MYSELF. What I have ALLOWED.
I have spent so much energy, and neglected other parts of me and my life in the name of holding onto that anger... BUT, what I have been discovering is that all those hours on the phone yelling, brewing by myself alone, trying to deal with what HE has done or is doing was mostly just a distraction from the real truth underneath, and that is all about me and my relationship to myself...what I sold out to be with someone, what I gave up.
I am just trying to stop the ride and get on with grieving for what I gave up. That is helping with the anger.
Stopping the ride, and stopping screaming at him in reality or in my mind that he is ruining me, and that its all him, and then I realize, I have a part in this. I have a choice.I am still jsut figuring it out, and I stumble alot, but I am just now looking over my choices, and when I feel on good days that I am in contact with those choices, I find out that I dont want that anger to sit in my mind for that day, or moment, and my goal is to just increase those days and moments until there are more of them than there are anger days or moments.I want more of those moments that are mine. B66
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by minnie 
I thought I was angry with him. I was mistaken - I was angry at myself for getting into that situation, ignoring the red flags, committing myself to someone who hadn't proved they were up to that commitment, perpetuating cycle after cycle of nonsense and not leaving when things would have been way more straightforward.
Also, I was angry at him - because he did not do what I thought he should be doing. How arrogant is that! Instead of being with someone who was already a healthy person, I thought that my fantastic healing powers would make him the man he should be. The fact that I failed in my mission is no reflection on him. Nor on me. But is is a reflection of some insane ideas I had at the time.
Also, I was angry at him - because he did not do what I thought he should be doing. How arrogant is that! Instead of being with someone who was already a healthy person, I thought that my fantastic healing powers would make him the man he should be. The fact that I failed in my mission is no reflection on him. Nor on me. But is is a reflection of some insane ideas I had at the time.
Thanks for helping to open my eyes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Houston, texas
Posts: 2
this is my first post. And I am in the same situation with the anger. only ive been in this boat for 20 years. I thought I was mad at him - but really I am mad at myself. I realize that I am allowing his drinking to control me. His actions provoke reactions in me and i know its because I allow it. I am so very angry and at times it consumes my every thought. I have all the right answers in my head. I know what i need to do. Can someone please tell me why I cant or wont do it?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
I will admit, I go through waves of anger also. Today is one of those days. I do not feel love for R, which is the most dangerous state for me. That's when I'm tempted to make amends with him. I'll take apathy and anger over that any day!
There are just things that happen that set a person off. Today it was finding out that a mutual fund he bought for the two of us (travel fund) would have been up $4,500 in two months, and he had sold it 10 days after buying it at a loss of $9,000. Plus he blew through $29,000 this past month alone. Good, he needs to be broke. I've said before that I do not completely buy into the notion that the A cannot be held accountable for their actions. Anyway, I fired off an email to him saying "The energy fund is up $4,500! Congratulations!" Total sarcasm. He knows he's a manipulator and fraud, and I want him to know that I'm aware of his game. He read the email, so it will accomplish one good thing - he will NOT be calling me anytime in the near future, and that is GOOD!
Don't bother flaming me! I know I'm supposed to be a calm, serene, dispassionate person. But I tell you, I acknowledge that there is this stage that I think we all need to go through, to try to vent in whatever way we can. It may be petty, it may be stupid, it may be revengeful, but sometimes I just don't want cry, and sometimes I don't want to reason through it. I can't bottle it up, it has to come out. I'll just keep on the right side of the law while I'm getting it out.
There are just things that happen that set a person off. Today it was finding out that a mutual fund he bought for the two of us (travel fund) would have been up $4,500 in two months, and he had sold it 10 days after buying it at a loss of $9,000. Plus he blew through $29,000 this past month alone. Good, he needs to be broke. I've said before that I do not completely buy into the notion that the A cannot be held accountable for their actions. Anyway, I fired off an email to him saying "The energy fund is up $4,500! Congratulations!" Total sarcasm. He knows he's a manipulator and fraud, and I want him to know that I'm aware of his game. He read the email, so it will accomplish one good thing - he will NOT be calling me anytime in the near future, and that is GOOD!
Don't bother flaming me! I know I'm supposed to be a calm, serene, dispassionate person. But I tell you, I acknowledge that there is this stage that I think we all need to go through, to try to vent in whatever way we can. It may be petty, it may be stupid, it may be revengeful, but sometimes I just don't want cry, and sometimes I don't want to reason through it. I can't bottle it up, it has to come out. I'll just keep on the right side of the law while I'm getting it out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
I can relate so much to what all of you have written. Over the summer I posted quite a bit about the anger I had towards my ex-rabf. In all honesty, it wasn't until the first or second week of Sept that everything in my life started to change for the better. It all happened when I came across the book "The Purpose Driven Life". Like everyone else who has already posted most of my anger was really towards myself, but directed at my ex-rabf...and that anger wasn't really from what happened in the relationship (sure it was part of it) but most of it was anger/unhappiness with myself for having hidden a part of myself for such a long time (long as in 5 to 6 years before meeting my ex-rabf all the way up to now). Now that I'm discovering the true purpose of my life harboring resentment, anger, and everything else seems so very trivial to me. It feels good to be where I am at today...Heck this is the first time in my life since 1996 that I haven't been on an anti-depressant.....1 month anti-depressant free and I feel better than I ever did when taking them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
I have heard "the Purpose Drive Life" is excellent! I'll have to read it. But first, I'm reading "Under the Influence" and a great-looking book called "Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us." The description sounded JUST like my XABF. Maybe it won't be, but I'm interested in what they've found out is wrong with people like Scott Peterson, OJ, etc.
I acknowledge that a lot of you feel like you are angry at yourself, but I am not in this instance. I went into this relationship expecting, asking, and promises on a regular basis that he was being straight with me, always brutally honest. I know he had a sketchy past, but at 50, R said "I am DONE with those ways and I am straightening out my life."
It turned out he had been lying to me about everything. Sober or not, he is a pathological liar, and now he believes he can just walk away and continue on without being held accountable. Well, this time I'm not going to be like his other ex-women. I am going to tell him how he wronged me. It's for me, not for him. I'm getting it all out this time, instead of burying it inside me.
I acknowledge that a lot of you feel like you are angry at yourself, but I am not in this instance. I went into this relationship expecting, asking, and promises on a regular basis that he was being straight with me, always brutally honest. I know he had a sketchy past, but at 50, R said "I am DONE with those ways and I am straightening out my life."
It turned out he had been lying to me about everything. Sober or not, he is a pathological liar, and now he believes he can just walk away and continue on without being held accountable. Well, this time I'm not going to be like his other ex-women. I am going to tell him how he wronged me. It's for me, not for him. I'm getting it all out this time, instead of burying it inside me.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Do you have a sponsor you can work the steps with? It gets better when we put the focus on ourselves.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by wpgwoman
How do you stop being filled with so much hate and resentment towards your A. It is so consuming sometimes and just keeps eating at you. I have been going to meetings and am reading the codependency books. Nothing seems to be helping.
Even when you can see there are efforts on their part, it just makes me angrier.
Insight anyone??
Even when you can see there are efforts on their part, it just makes me angrier.
Insight anyone??
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I am working on my anger from a very selfish point of view - Life is short, so damn short, and I'm not wasting my precious days by simmering in anger. I'm not giving that turd one more hour of my life. I'm using it to feel good dammit!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by wpgwoman
I guess I am angry at myself for giving almost 8 years of my life to someone who was never worthy of it.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by minnie
I was angry at myself for getting into that situation, ignoring the red flags, committing myself to someone who hadn't proved they were up to that committment, perpetuating cycle after cycle of nonsense and not leaving when things would have been way more straightforward.
I think the anger dissipates when we allow ourselves to forgive. And it is ourselves that need forgiveness more than anyone.
I think the anger dissipates when we allow ourselves to forgive. And it is ourselves that need forgiveness more than anyone.
It took about 2 years when I finally had enough of the self bashing. I forgave him, and moved on with my life. Sure, I am left with the residue of this relationship, which was his bad credit card debt showing up on MY credit report! But, I am glad I got out when I did. I am slowly repairing the mess I allowed him to make of my life. It was a very hard lesson. Im just thankful there is always hope in the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 104
Many thanks to those of you at SR that have helped me tremendously put my anger in perspective. I have spent the better part of the last day giving is some serious thought. I have truly come to see that my anger has been misdirected. My A has just been doing all the things that they do to survive in their world. I see now that I cannot make him be the man that I wanted or needed in my life.
I have seen his efforts today and have appreciated them. I was not angry at him today, I only felt sadness for his daily struggles with his demons. Today my anger has been with myself. Not more than an hour ago I explained this theory to him. I let him know that I've realized that I was angry because I've allowed him to put me through this for years. I could have walked away before we brought a child into this world of addiction. I love my daughter with my heart and soul, but I am saddened that she may one day feel the pain and disappointment that her father's addictions can bring to one's life. I could have walked away after the first round of horrible lies and deceptions. I could have learned to set boundaries years ago and perhaps my life would be healthier now.
For the first time, I actually believed that he heard and understood where I have been coming from. I told him that just because I am able to see things differently today that does not mean that anything has changed. I will own my anger and he must own the terrible things that he has done to this family.
Today I feel an inner strength that was not there before. Today I feel powerful. Today my heart feels peace, not rage.
Thank you my friends for sharing your wisdom.
I have seen his efforts today and have appreciated them. I was not angry at him today, I only felt sadness for his daily struggles with his demons. Today my anger has been with myself. Not more than an hour ago I explained this theory to him. I let him know that I've realized that I was angry because I've allowed him to put me through this for years. I could have walked away before we brought a child into this world of addiction. I love my daughter with my heart and soul, but I am saddened that she may one day feel the pain and disappointment that her father's addictions can bring to one's life. I could have walked away after the first round of horrible lies and deceptions. I could have learned to set boundaries years ago and perhaps my life would be healthier now.
For the first time, I actually believed that he heard and understood where I have been coming from. I told him that just because I am able to see things differently today that does not mean that anything has changed. I will own my anger and he must own the terrible things that he has done to this family.
Today I feel an inner strength that was not there before. Today I feel powerful. Today my heart feels peace, not rage.
Thank you my friends for sharing your wisdom.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
This may sound crazy, but I let go of a lot of anger towards XAH when I let myself truly feel that I had a right to be angry! For so long I lived in a codependent wonderland where everything bad that happened was my fault, that I could have changed things if I'd tried and that I made things worse by getting angry when XAH did things to put me and the kids in unacceptable circumstances. I was constantly mad and in turmoil. Then one day, after lots of meetings, prayer, reading, and SR visits, I finally realized/felt/accepted ... it wasn't about me! I didn't cause it. I had every right to be upset with the things XAH put the family through, and nothing, nothing nothing I did or didn't do made one whit of difference!
While I still get frustrated with XAH, I get what I consider healthy, normal, natural angry, then move on. I don't have to hold onto the mad because it isn't about me. If I got mad at a more or less "healthy" individual, I would either get over it and continue in a relationship with them, work out our differences, or end the relationship. With XAH, there is no getting over it, because it will never be over until he decides it will be. There is no working it out, because it takes two to heal a relationship, and that isn't an option with an active addict. While I can never totally end my connection with X as we have kids, I can end my emotional relationship ~ and that consisted mostly of anger.
While I still get frustrated with XAH, I get what I consider healthy, normal, natural angry, then move on. I don't have to hold onto the mad because it isn't about me. If I got mad at a more or less "healthy" individual, I would either get over it and continue in a relationship with them, work out our differences, or end the relationship. With XAH, there is no getting over it, because it will never be over until he decides it will be. There is no working it out, because it takes two to heal a relationship, and that isn't an option with an active addict. While I can never totally end my connection with X as we have kids, I can end my emotional relationship ~ and that consisted mostly of anger.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
Anger is energy.
So embrace your anger and let it energize you to improve your situation.
I feel sad so much, and saddness is such a lack of energy, so I work hard at feeling angry so that I can continue on my path of recovery, I hope you can too!
So embrace your anger and let it energize you to improve your situation.
I feel sad so much, and saddness is such a lack of energy, so I work hard at feeling angry so that I can continue on my path of recovery, I hope you can too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
This is such a helpful post to me.
Thank you all.
I have been experiencing what I deem anger and resentment for awhile but that has flared up in odd, strange ways when abf and I have been together. HE is in a sober house in Florida for six months. I am still back in the same city, doing the same things. I get mad at him because I can't start over, then I get mad at myself because that is so incredibly selfish.
I get angry at myself because I act so childish sometimes - wanting to stomp my feet and ball up my fists and scream- "How could you do this to me?! You were suppose to love and take care of me."
I am just beginning in Al-Anon but some days I need that to anchor me down. I haven't yet found a center, but I am beginning to believe. Our loved one's disease has had such a deep effect on us that we too have become infected. For this I am so angry. I had self-esteem problems for so long and became independent - then started dating abf and allowed myself to stop caring about me- started being too dependent. I hate facing this because I have a hard time accepting it and not being so angry at myself for being weak and for having these self-worth issues.
We have had two visits. One down by him and one here in Philadelphia. Both times I have been ok for the first two days, but then I slip into this uptight, overly sensitive, insecure persona and I am picky apart every little thing, thinking these resentful thoughts and feeling so incredibly defensive towards him. This causes me - at times- to not enjoy his company, but to press him to reassure me of his love, etc. I have to accept that behavior and try to discern something about myself from it. I have been hurt so much that I have begun to associate him with pain and internally believe that he will hurt me.
All I know is that I must, MUST, MUST believe that the disease has infected MY mind and made me ill too. It has made me see myself in a distorted way and I have been living in fear, in a false light- not in reality.
Thank you all.
I have been experiencing what I deem anger and resentment for awhile but that has flared up in odd, strange ways when abf and I have been together. HE is in a sober house in Florida for six months. I am still back in the same city, doing the same things. I get mad at him because I can't start over, then I get mad at myself because that is so incredibly selfish.
I get angry at myself because I act so childish sometimes - wanting to stomp my feet and ball up my fists and scream- "How could you do this to me?! You were suppose to love and take care of me."
I am just beginning in Al-Anon but some days I need that to anchor me down. I haven't yet found a center, but I am beginning to believe. Our loved one's disease has had such a deep effect on us that we too have become infected. For this I am so angry. I had self-esteem problems for so long and became independent - then started dating abf and allowed myself to stop caring about me- started being too dependent. I hate facing this because I have a hard time accepting it and not being so angry at myself for being weak and for having these self-worth issues.
We have had two visits. One down by him and one here in Philadelphia. Both times I have been ok for the first two days, but then I slip into this uptight, overly sensitive, insecure persona and I am picky apart every little thing, thinking these resentful thoughts and feeling so incredibly defensive towards him. This causes me - at times- to not enjoy his company, but to press him to reassure me of his love, etc. I have to accept that behavior and try to discern something about myself from it. I have been hurt so much that I have begun to associate him with pain and internally believe that he will hurt me.
All I know is that I must, MUST, MUST believe that the disease has infected MY mind and made me ill too. It has made me see myself in a distorted way and I have been living in fear, in a false light- not in reality.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
SUGARPUP said'
"Anger is energy.
So embrace your anger and let it energize you to improve your situation.
I feel sad so much, and saddness is such a lack of energy, so I work hard at feeling angry so that I can continue on my path of recovery, I hope you can too!"
This is wise...I agree. There is a book by Esther Hicks called, "ask and it is given"...they have an emotional scale, and the idea is to move up the emotional scale to get to emotions that vibrate more of what you want, but, the theory in the book is that many emotions mask others, and that the goal should be that we move up the scale.
Sadness is pretty low, and anger is much higher up. Anger is a motivating force. I think it is critical to be aware of whether it is moving something through, or stagnating... Brewing anger cannot give way. Motivating anger can. just a thought...to embellish on yours
"Anger is energy.
So embrace your anger and let it energize you to improve your situation.
I feel sad so much, and saddness is such a lack of energy, so I work hard at feeling angry so that I can continue on my path of recovery, I hope you can too!"
This is wise...I agree. There is a book by Esther Hicks called, "ask and it is given"...they have an emotional scale, and the idea is to move up the emotional scale to get to emotions that vibrate more of what you want, but, the theory in the book is that many emotions mask others, and that the goal should be that we move up the scale.
Sadness is pretty low, and anger is much higher up. Anger is a motivating force. I think it is critical to be aware of whether it is moving something through, or stagnating... Brewing anger cannot give way. Motivating anger can. just a thought...to embellish on yours
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