hbb

to get past this break-up with my exabf. I hate to write again but need to express (even if to myself) how i'm feeling the past few days. I've been feeling like crud, no other way to explain it. I have been doing EVERYTHING to stay, active, busy, content, work on myself but even that's not enough. I've been to Al Anon several times, been to AA several times, see a personal therapist and am on an anti-depressent. But the past few days i've been crying off and on and at such a stand still i don't know how much more of this i can bare. I know i've talked to you guys and you've responded till your blue in the face and i'm so sorry to beat a dead horse.

Last night i was at an AA meeting with a friend and i told her that i really didn't think i was going to get past this point in my life i feel so stuck. I know full well J and I would have no future together as he has so many unresolved issues it would take a lifetime just to sort through them and he's to proud to seek help. I know full well his family is so screwed up that i couldn't go much further coping in that environment and remain healthy. He and i have such complete opposite upbringings and values. I new even when things were ok with us that we are so different in so many ways and we were probably forcing it to work.

I know that his lying and cheating is probably the answer to my questions as to why i hate myself and blame myself and think i'm no good. It's like i can't get past the feeling that J owes me something in return for what he did to me and i know i could be waiting till i'm 90.

I guess it's also because as i read here over the past few months, it seems i'm the only one that hasn't received any contact since July 4th when we spoke for the last time. He called me 2 days later and said he hoped to talk soon but that was it. I feel unworthy of his contact but go back and forth thinking he hates himself more to care about me, if that makes sense. I don't know, and i understand if there are no more answers for me but makes me feel better to get it off my chest. Once again crying The problem is i don't hate him and can't stay angry and what he did to me is COMPLETELY unacceptable and non repairable but i can't let go.....

LaTeeDa

First of all, maybe you should stop trying so hard and allow yourself to feel however you feel.

Secondly, I made some major strides when I took ownership of the fact that he didn't DO anything to me. I allowed it. All of it. He didn't OWE me anything. No more than I OWED him anything. I know it's big and scary, but once you take ownership of your part in it, it really does get a lot easier. The thing that makes it hard to let go is the victim thinking. I totally understand, I have been there. I wanted him to suffer, and pay for what he did to me. I wasn't ready to admit that I did it to myself.

Relationships don't always work out. In fact, I would venture a guess that more don't work out than do. There doesn't have to be a debit and credit column. It just didn't work out.

L

best

Heather

I was talking with someone that explained why we continue to hurt this way...

Today I deal with as much of the hurt as I can.
Next week I deal with a little more.
Next month I deal with a little more.

One day I will wake up and the whole plate of hurt will be gone.

Know that it does get better and you will get past this. Read your own post and as you read it think this...what would I tell someone else that is going through what I am going through? You have the answers, you just need accept what you already know.
You are worth much. You are a wonderful person. One day you will find someone worthy of who you are and they will be so blessed.

Buffalo66

Oh, yes, I know these things well. What you are describing, even to the point of feeling so twisted up that you feel like he isnt contacting YOU because YOU arent worthy of HIS contact.

I get all screwy like this, as well.

Please, try to hang out with a couple that is healthy a few times, or just spend time with people who love you. If you are isolated, watch movies, and remember that HE is not worthy Of YOU!!! Put yourself INTO contact with people who do love and reciprocate.

Aside from anything else that went on, he is, and has been unable to be there for you, and lied and cheated. Healthy people walk away from this behavior, and since you and I, and lots of other folks aren't there yet, I say, FAKE IT!!

But whatever you do, do not lose sight, here; You have been treated badly, and you are choosing NOW not to deal with HIM and his chaos. I know it seems like they all move on so easily, but, they are not living life, they are avoiding life, So is it really that they have moved on? NO!! they were never really ABLE to be there. You are a bigger person.

I kow, its hard for me to write this, as some days I get it and others I am a wreck. BUt, I know that it is you, now, who is worthy of love, and dont get too twisted up, in his mind. Your mind is OK, you will get that back more and more.

Good luck, and love.B66

QU31

I think LaTeeDa is right. You do have to take ownership of it. Something else that might help is forgiving him. I heard this the other day: take out a piece of paper and write down all the things that not forgiving him has done to your life. Then make a decision to forgive him, and REALLY mean it. It's supposed to be very liberating.

I feel kind of compelled to tell you my favorite break-up story. I think you are about my age, so I'm sure you know who Gwen Stefani is. Well, remember she used to date that one guy from No Doubt for like 5 years? Then, just when she thought he was getting ready to propose he dumped her and she was heartbroken and depressed forever. BUT, the moral of the story is, because she got dumped, she wrote a bunch of songs about it that became big hits, made her millions of dollars, and then found a new (much hotter, much richer, much more talented) guy and now has an adorable baby that looks just like hot husband.

I always used to think of that whenever I got dumped (usually by some alki!) and it would help me remember my HP had a bigger and better plan for me!

hbb

Thank you all for taking the time for me, i truly appreciate it.

LaTeeDa & QU31 ~ I'm confused though, how do i forgive and take ownership of HIS cheating? Isn't that like saying what he did is ok? When you say he didn't DO anything to me, isn't lying and cheating and sneaking away with an ex girlfriend DOING something to me? I believe that if he cared about me one ounce or loved me at all he wouldn't even have thought twice about doing that stuff. I'm just trying to get a better understanding of it.

Best ~ Thank you and your exactly right, i do have a very very good friend that is going through the same thing with her exabf over the past 4 years and i tell her what an a$$ he is and will ALWAYS be. But i can't seem to click in my own head that my ex is the same exact person as her ex.

Buffalo ~ you make so much sense and made me cry, i try to do everything right and do believe i'm a good person till something like this happens once again then i doubt myself all over again. Maybe i was too good to him and he took and took and took and gave nothing in return because i never expected or wanted anything...i don't know

LaTeeDa

He did the lying and cheating, no doubt about it. But, if that is a dealbreaker for you, did you end the relationship at that point? Or, did you continue on hoping to change a liar and a cheater into something else? That's the part you need to take ownership of. It's like that old saying, fool me once--shame on you, fool me twice--shame on me. When we allow people to take advantage of our kindness and good nature, they will continue to do so.

L

QU31

I don't think you have to take ownership of his cheating. I don't even think you can do that. But I think you can take ownership of your decision to forgive him or not. Forgiving such a jerk doesn't sound that easy or intuitive, since the things he did were mean and wrong, but for you to hold onto this is hurting you, not him! I have read before that when people forgive the worst acts, even forgiving murderers of their own children, that is the only way they can heal, because holding onto the anger hurts too much.

Maybe, in this instance, letting go is giving up. (Giving up thoughts of him at least).

Or, maybe you should get a ****** doll (JK!!)

CBrown

Heather, it all makes sense because I have lived a version of your story, too.

First, you are probably going to rehash your feelings a hundred times before you can let this go. I know deep in your heart you wish things could be different, probably secretly think "I know he'll be back!" Been there, done that too, girl! Everything you do, say, or think reminds you of him! Yup, me too! You are where I was two years ago at my '05 breakup. It took me 8 months to finally decide it was all about ME, go to Weight Watchers and lose 35 pounds, go to Vegas, and then live the next year as the new ME. Of course I still thought about "him" and never had any answers. And wouldn't you know it, I found out he was in horrific shape and got sucked back in.

But this time was different. I went into it now knowing he was a hopeless alcoholic (he hid it well before), and started talking to old friends, and ex's. OMG the truth that came out!!!! And knowing all I know it is STILL hard!

The last call I took from him was Sept. 9th or 10th. It was three days of calling with the "I want you back" and "help me with things" theme. Yet the true story was that he had been temporarily dumped by his on/off marina bar trash. How did I know? I have all his passwords, and a friend encouraged me to snoop. "THE EMAIL TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!" As for silences, yes, at times R would shut me out for months and months at a time. That's until I would contact HIM. This time I am not contacting him in any way. It's just validation for them that we need them, that they are OUR drug. M'dear, we have more pride than to be chained to hopeless addicts. We DO deserve better than that!

Two years ago my mind played tricks with me and before long I would start to feel that maybe I had been too hard on him, maybe I was to blame, maybe he was the best I could get. You know the mind games!!!

All the advice I can give you is to keep yourself in reality as much as possible. You've got to constantly remind yourself of the horrible things you've had to endure. Repeat to yourself what I tell myself ... "If it is not about US, it's definitely not going to be about YOU, it's going to be about ME!" Get out, go see a movie, go with friends, take up a hobby, anything. I surf SR constantly for pick-me-ups.

But don't suffer this alone! You don't have to.

*****COURAGE*****

LaTeeDa

I remember reading somewhere on here that carrying around resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

CBrown

I don't know about taking ownership for anything they do. Okay, I'll grant you if we take the abuse repetitively, it's our own faults. Heather, every time I get sucked into "Didn't he love me? Why was everything lies?" and all the questions you ask, you know what I do? I tell myself ...

He's a CRUEL, INSANE DRUNK It doesn't excuse it, but it does explain a lot.

LaTeeDa

No, no, no. You don't take ownership of what THEY do. You take ownership for your part in the relationship. Did you put up with unacceptable behavior? That's your stuff. Did you react like a crazy person in response to their craziness? That's your stuff. Did you create a world of denial in which reality didn't exist? That's your stuff. We take ownership of our stuff and leave their stuff for them to deal with.

I'm going to go find that Property Lines thread and bump it up again.

L

cagefree

(((hbb)))

I haven't heard from XABF for a while either (thank God). I took 2 days off of work this week and spent them in tears, going through pics and letters I found while cleaning a closet and it was like I was right back at square one.

I spent both days in tears and repeating all of the negative BS I fed myself with for so long

*How could he do this to me
*How the hell could I be dumped by an A
*How could he ask me over and over again like an impatient child when I'd trust him again and be his girlfriend again to have him show up on my doorstep out of the blue and toss me out of his life, like yesterday's news...then call me a month later leaving a voice mail comment like "I know you hate me, maybe I'll hear from you?"

I kept trying to give myself healthy and positive affirmations - there are ENOUGH healthy and available men and I am just as attracted to me as I am to them...over and over.

I felt like I was waging a war internally and getting beat up in the process.
I'm back at work today - and glad.

If I hadn't had my serene and great times before the past few days, I don't think I would envision them as such horrible days. I guess what I'm saying is that you are fine, normal - not broken. Feel it, decode it, process it, and when you're ready, pick up and move on.

Remember, slow and steady wins the race (to recovery). We aren't on a timeline (even if we are in our mid-thirties and wanting kids )

LaTeeDa

Detachment - Property Lines has been made into a sticky. Here is the link.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html

hbb

I don't think I really carry around resentment because i can hardly stay mad for 2 seconds and thats part of the problem. And i agree LaTeeDa with the fool me once. I know full well he would do it again and again and so on. I guess my hard part to accept is that we were on a "break" for him to clear his head after being newly sober and get things in order when all he was REALLY doing was meeting up and talking to his ex. If he didn't want to be with me, why didn't he just end things, that's what i can't seem to grasp. I know there's a difference in alcoholic versus downright bad behavior and unacceptable behavior. And i guess his actions speak volumes that i trusted what he was doing and gave him his space to "clear his head" to inturn get hurt worse than anything ever happening to me.

I guess i just wonder, and i certainly don't wish him ill but are there repercussions for people who do this sort of thing? I know i'm wasting my own energy and i truly believe that living my own healthy life is true revenge. I'm not a chaser, nor should i and i would never call him. We have that loan connection which is tough cause i can't completely walk away and never look back unfortunately.

CBrown

"Unacceptable Behavior" ... nope! That's what put me over the edge with R. You should have heard his tirades on the cruise. Oh, it was SO embarrassing. I said "never again!"

"Crazy person" ... yup, guilty! I cannot even tell you the things I did a couple weeks ago. Nothing criminal, but definitely naughty! Yesterday I spent a delicious hour thinking of revenge-type acts again, but with the help of my HP, I put them aside and moved on.

"Denial" ... previously guilty, not after this breakup. I have too many emails of his misdeeds to re-read if I ever start feeling like "hmmm, maybe I was wrong."

Sorry to hog the thread ... but this is one of the best ever.

CBrown

"If he didn't want to be with me, why didn't he just end things, that's what i can't seem to grasp." - Sounds to me like he's a "cycler." R is great for doing that. You leave two women on the back burner, and when they get "tiresome" you rotate them through your life. If they really catch on to the "game" sometimes the woman has to be taken out of the rotation permanently.

"i will call you tomorrow or Monday. am doing lots of thinking about lots of stuff. more later." This is his email to me 2/12/05, and he never emailed me again until 8/06. (Yes, I am guilty of having kept it!) But "clearing the head" as your X calls it, means "I'm in the process of clearing you out of my head." It's cruel, but you have no useful function for him anymore. I'm of no use to R either. GOOD! I don't have use for an insane user in my life either.

LaTeeDa

Who ever said resentment had to take the form of anger?

CE Girl

Ok, First of all Heather, consider this a loving dope slap,,,

Don't EVER apoligize for posting,,,
i haven't been around much, but the spirits (hp) work in strange and wonderous ways. Came in today and besides some emails, YOURS was the first post I read.

Brought me back. And helped me remember. I need to thank you for that.

I felt EXCATLY the same way. In fact, it used to frost my arse that some people here could detach and stay with their A's. or had the "reason" of children or shared finances to continue contact. Put me on the poor me pity pot till I got a ring around my arse,,he,he,he,, And yup, doing the same thing, "working" my program, using ALL the support systems available to me, and yet I still felt like CRAP. All I wanted was for it to be the same as before. When I was blissfully happy (sometimes) and yup, painfully miserable at others. Boy,,life was full of ADVENTURE then,,,hahahahahahaha

I'm laughing, but its the cold sobering truth.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry, angry, LONELY and tired

When I got either of these, a combination of these, or ALL of these, I would long for the days of life with my A

Because truth be told, I didn't have to deal with any of them on my own when I was with him. HE was the reason I was all of them don't ya know. I didn't have to take responsibility for ANY of it

It sucks being honest with yourself

Yup, I remember, "doing" all the things suggested when I would miss him, want him back, or almost succum to breaking my own boundary's. No matter HOW busy I kept myself, I would slip back into the abyss. And it would all come down to, "why doesn't he SEE what he did to me?!?!?!" And freakin apoligize and grovel his way back into my good graces?!?!?

What would I get out of that? I'll tell ya, SATISFACTION and VALIDATION. Then I would probably DUMP his butt. Cause like you, it probably wouldn't have lasted ANYWAY. We were polar opposites. The only thing I found attractive about him was his need to be saved.

Again, COLD HARD truth.

For the last few months, I have been looking to validate and satisfy myself. The fact thatI can put all my warts on here for the WORLD to see proves that. Before I would have hid it, and continued to BLAME him for my troubles. Asking the question WHY do i feel like this,,,QUACK<QUACK<QUACK< oh poor me, don't ya all feel bad?!?!?!?

ATTENTION

I for one need tons of it. I beleive my disease dictates I choose the negative over the positive. Figuring out how to relearn will take work

Progress not perfection

And as I said before, You sweet girl are making progress. Be kind to yourself,,,

Peace

Barbara52

Sounds like part of your problem is you are looking for a rational reason from an irrational person. There is no logic or reason to find. He did that because he is what he is.