Anyone else tired of being called dude!
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Anyone else tired of being called dude!
I just hung up on my son.
Let me back up to the start of the call. He goes to court tomorrow for his Transporting 2 lbs of pot charge. (which of course weren't his) He is 2 states away from me staying with his marijuana activists friends. I know I am different when I talk to him but "ouch" it hurts . I say things like, " Wow, Its hard to see you as a follower or a victim in this, you have always been a leader."( which means I'm not buying his victim story) I also told him I wasn't happy with my decision to send him a bus ticket so he could make his court appearance. (which is 200 miles away from where he is staying) but its already over and done, but from now on he is on his own, so think before you decide where you are going to stay after this. Thats when the " dudes" start. He says," Dude I had no choice but to ask you." I politely said, "I'm your mom, not Dude." He says he can't believe I would abandon him, as it is, he has to sleep on the court steps because he has nowhere to stay once he's there. I told him that seems like a pretty safe place to me. Again with the "Dude, its cold up here at night." I replied if you call me Dude again I will hang up, I'm not one of your Dudes, so please don't call me that. He said," I have to stay here until my legal stuff is over. I can't go anywhere else so you need to help me, you're my mom! (ouch!!!!)" So not long after that another "Dude" came out. They come out when he is stoned or around his stoner friends. So I hung up. I should have got off the phone after the first minute. But its still hard I want to stangle him when he calls and cry afterwards. I hate that I still feel this desire to rationalize my actions to him. Hoping he will somehow undertsand and accept why. Its such a waste of words when he isn't in a healthy place. Do I think he will say," Gee Mom,I know you are only doing this because you love me and don't want to enable me". I need to learn to shut up! As I put in another post. How could I have denied for so long what my eyes could see. Marijuana can screw up someone's life as bad as any other addiction out there. I know because it has totally changed my son. "Dude" God I hate that word.
Let me back up to the start of the call. He goes to court tomorrow for his Transporting 2 lbs of pot charge. (which of course weren't his) He is 2 states away from me staying with his marijuana activists friends. I know I am different when I talk to him but "ouch" it hurts . I say things like, " Wow, Its hard to see you as a follower or a victim in this, you have always been a leader."( which means I'm not buying his victim story) I also told him I wasn't happy with my decision to send him a bus ticket so he could make his court appearance. (which is 200 miles away from where he is staying) but its already over and done, but from now on he is on his own, so think before you decide where you are going to stay after this. Thats when the " dudes" start. He says," Dude I had no choice but to ask you." I politely said, "I'm your mom, not Dude." He says he can't believe I would abandon him, as it is, he has to sleep on the court steps because he has nowhere to stay once he's there. I told him that seems like a pretty safe place to me. Again with the "Dude, its cold up here at night." I replied if you call me Dude again I will hang up, I'm not one of your Dudes, so please don't call me that. He said," I have to stay here until my legal stuff is over. I can't go anywhere else so you need to help me, you're my mom! (ouch!!!!)" So not long after that another "Dude" came out. They come out when he is stoned or around his stoner friends. So I hung up. I should have got off the phone after the first minute. But its still hard I want to stangle him when he calls and cry afterwards. I hate that I still feel this desire to rationalize my actions to him. Hoping he will somehow undertsand and accept why. Its such a waste of words when he isn't in a healthy place. Do I think he will say," Gee Mom,I know you are only doing this because you love me and don't want to enable me". I need to learn to shut up! As I put in another post. How could I have denied for so long what my eyes could see. Marijuana can screw up someone's life as bad as any other addiction out there. I know because it has totally changed my son. "Dude" God I hate that word.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter does not do the dude but every other word is f'ing this and f'ing that. It is the language of addicts. And yes, I agree, trying to talk rationally to an addict is like sticking your finger over a flame. You know you are going to get burned so why do it
Next time hang up after the first dude. That way you save yourself from the aggravation. Hugs, Marle
Next time hang up after the first dude. That way you save yourself from the aggravation. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
My AD says, dude, F'ing, and much more, but the tale tell sign is the sarcastic "SOO sun". I have hung up many times, when she used to call, w/ the sound, tone, and calling me by my first name in such an air of disrespect. She may as well say F U!
Last edited by caileesnana; 09-24-2007 at 05:42 AM. Reason: sprlling.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
It's almost like they are mentally disabled when they are using. They are not firing on all pistons. Yes it's so frustrating. I have done the same thing, hanging up on my son. Sometimes it's the only way to stay sane. He is making the choice to sleep on the sidewalk. He could make a different one. Sounds like it's time to detach big time. I am praying for you today.
krhea
krhea
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I can remember talking to my X husband on the phone. his speach would be slurred and I would mention it (he was on anti anxiety meds and mixzing it with alcohol). I would say to him, "Your speach is slurred." He would say that people tell him that but he isn't taking anything or on anything and he doesn't hear the slure(!!???).
I would talk to him briefly and then say good bye and hang up. I never hung up abruptly. I would always say good bye (even if this was abrupt) and then hang up the phone. I always knew when I had talked with him for too long because as I hung up I would say under my breath, "What a JERK!"
With XABf I never knew when he was stoned because he was stoned all the time. I do not believe I ever knew him when he was sober for a minute.
I would talk to him briefly and then say good bye and hang up. I never hung up abruptly. I would always say good bye (even if this was abrupt) and then hang up the phone. I always knew when I had talked with him for too long because as I hung up I would say under my breath, "What a JERK!"
With XABf I never knew when he was stoned because he was stoned all the time. I do not believe I ever knew him when he was sober for a minute.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
I have two teenage girls.. they went through the "dude" phase for a short time (no drugs though)
My xhb is 45 years old.. when he was in active addiction every other word was "dude" and YES It was horribly ANNOYING.
When I was in the hawking mode of his early addiction I remember hacking into his voice mail and listening to voice mails and Dude, this, Dude That..
To this day I cringe with that ridiculous word. LOL
My xhb is 45 years old.. when he was in active addiction every other word was "dude" and YES It was horribly ANNOYING.
When I was in the hawking mode of his early addiction I remember hacking into his voice mail and listening to voice mails and Dude, this, Dude That..
To this day I cringe with that ridiculous word. LOL
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
My son calls me, "man".
Okaaay
He also uses dude....alot.
Last night, after having a couple of beers. Him, not me. He called and said,
"Man. I knew I was gonna hear it from you. I don't even know why I call you."
I said, "cause, dude. you wanna talk to the man that birthed ya."
Okaaay
He also uses dude....alot.
Last night, after having a couple of beers. Him, not me. He called and said,
"Man. I knew I was gonna hear it from you. I don't even know why I call you."
I said, "cause, dude. you wanna talk to the man that birthed ya."
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
I'm laughing now as i read my post. Boy was I mad. The "Dude" wasn't really what bug me ( well maybe a little) it's the pot induced personality that hurt and distressed me. It the talking but knowing no one is listening feeling. So thanks much everyone for your humorous, kind, and non-judgemental posts even when someone get a little crazy feeling! 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
my xah, who is almost 50, would end his sentences with "man". he was trying to be so cool. i guess since he started drinking when he was a teenager and became an alcoholic in his early 20's he is stuck in a time warp and still thinks it is cool.
good grief....a 50 year old man saying things like.....hey man, see ya later man.
it used to just make me cringe.
good grief....a 50 year old man saying things like.....hey man, see ya later man.
it used to just make me cringe.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Honestly you don't have to be an addict to sling the word dude around .. its part of the "in" language nowdays, just like the saying "thats gay" ... and I'm sure most of us can remember back and think of quite a few words and sayings that we had back in our day that rattled our parents cages .. I can anyway LOL .. it wasn't dude back then .. it was man .. like you need to take a chill pill man... LOL
We are raw where the addict is concerned already so "dude" is like sandpaper ones skin .. and it does not convey an air of respect ... the addict sees nothing wrong with the way the talk because "thats just the way I talk" thats just me" I remember when I was active in my addiction .. ever other word out of my mouth was a cuss word and when my mom would get upset with me .. I'd say, "thats just the way I talk .. I don't mean nothing by it .. fk is just an expression"
However, it was disrepectful and it "wasn't" just a word .. it was foul language and my mom didn't want to hear it .. and she started hanging up on me .. I'd call back and she'd pick up the phone at first .. and of course I'd let her have it for hanging up and she'd hang up again .. then she got to the point that she said to me .. I'm more than willing to talk to you "IF" you can talk to me like a decent human being, but I'm not gonna listen to you cuss, yell, scream and call me all kinds of ugly names. If you want to talk to me you can talk to me with respect. I am your mother.
Something had changed .. and it wasn't me .. It was my mom .. at first I thought she was just mad at the moment, but you can bet each and every time I called her she held true to what she had said. She would talk with me fine .. but if I started running my addict mouth she'd hang up as fast as you could blink (I kid you not).
Of course this pi$$ed me off (pardon the expression *wink*), but her unyielding consistency taught me that if I wanted to talk to my mother I would have to speak with respect at all times .. This was the first move my mother had made to rise up, stand on her own against my addiction ... and as mad as it made me .. deep down in my heart I admired her for it .. it conveyed a message of self-respect to me.
You see addicts are weak people, but to the addict enablers/co-dependents are weaker .. the addict is pushed around by their addiction .. but the enablers/co-dependents are pushed around by the addict. Generally out of love they fall prey to the addict and his/her demands .. and the addict will "victimize" them "USE" them and the enabler/co-dependent in the beginning out of lack of knowledge will bend over backwards to fix, rescue, save the addict .. this behavior can go on for years before the enabler/codependent gets so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stumbles upon places like SR or Alanon ..
The truth is most addicts feel contempt for their enablers .. because the enabler is so weak ... the addict is weak enough ... and he/she needs you to be strong .. to not disable them by doing for the addict what he/she is perfectly capable of doing for themselves .. (though the addict will come to you in their time of weakness and beg you to help them with money for this or that (which is usually spent on drugs) they honestly don't need to be rescued ... they need a firm NO .. you got yourself into this and you'll have to get yourself out ... this kind of response will not please the addict, but when recovery comes they will thank you for it ..
Picture this .. your loved one is locked in dark cell .. deep down ... and what you see before you is the addiction screaming to be fed .. (it looks like your loved one .. talks like your loved one, but it isnt at all ... It is the addict) Every time you feed the addict you shakel down your loved one a little tighter. You help keep him/her prisoner. (there are no truer words then that).
The best way to help your addicted loved one is by "demanding respect for yourself" don't make idle threats .. say what you mean and mean what you say ... don't buy the addicts poor me stories (poor me usually means I need to feed my addiction and a good ol' sob story will get you to help me) Don't enable ... enabling only cripples the addict ...
Do make boundaries .. do stand by them. Don't let the addict get away with crossing them ..
and hang that phone up when the addict starts talking his/her jib ... but not before you remind the addict that ... "dude, its not myproblem .. and if you wanna dance .. you're gonna haveta pay the fiddler".
Don't take no disrespect, no blame, no bs .. tell the addict straight up .. like it is
This addiction is "THEIR" baggage .. hand it back to them.. wipe your hands of it. and shut the door.
Addiction is a heavy load to carry around and its gets heavier with each use. The hope and prayer is that the weight will become to heavy of a burden that the addict will become overly-exhausted and begin to look for a way out .. sometimes the addict will just put the load down for a bit of rest .. pick it back up again and carry on .. but the weight isn't lessened for long by this pause... and this is where the idea of recovery can begin to take root and grow .... Recovery is the answer ... put em on that path and point em in that direction .. the rest is up to him/her.
I'm done with my tangent now LOL .. hope it all made sense ..
******{Hugs}}}}}
Passion
We are raw where the addict is concerned already so "dude" is like sandpaper ones skin .. and it does not convey an air of respect ... the addict sees nothing wrong with the way the talk because "thats just the way I talk" thats just me" I remember when I was active in my addiction .. ever other word out of my mouth was a cuss word and when my mom would get upset with me .. I'd say, "thats just the way I talk .. I don't mean nothing by it .. fk is just an expression"
However, it was disrepectful and it "wasn't" just a word .. it was foul language and my mom didn't want to hear it .. and she started hanging up on me .. I'd call back and she'd pick up the phone at first .. and of course I'd let her have it for hanging up and she'd hang up again .. then she got to the point that she said to me .. I'm more than willing to talk to you "IF" you can talk to me like a decent human being, but I'm not gonna listen to you cuss, yell, scream and call me all kinds of ugly names. If you want to talk to me you can talk to me with respect. I am your mother.
Something had changed .. and it wasn't me .. It was my mom .. at first I thought she was just mad at the moment, but you can bet each and every time I called her she held true to what she had said. She would talk with me fine .. but if I started running my addict mouth she'd hang up as fast as you could blink (I kid you not).
Of course this pi$$ed me off (pardon the expression *wink*), but her unyielding consistency taught me that if I wanted to talk to my mother I would have to speak with respect at all times .. This was the first move my mother had made to rise up, stand on her own against my addiction ... and as mad as it made me .. deep down in my heart I admired her for it .. it conveyed a message of self-respect to me.
You see addicts are weak people, but to the addict enablers/co-dependents are weaker .. the addict is pushed around by their addiction .. but the enablers/co-dependents are pushed around by the addict. Generally out of love they fall prey to the addict and his/her demands .. and the addict will "victimize" them "USE" them and the enabler/co-dependent in the beginning out of lack of knowledge will bend over backwards to fix, rescue, save the addict .. this behavior can go on for years before the enabler/codependent gets so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stumbles upon places like SR or Alanon ..
The truth is most addicts feel contempt for their enablers .. because the enabler is so weak ... the addict is weak enough ... and he/she needs you to be strong .. to not disable them by doing for the addict what he/she is perfectly capable of doing for themselves .. (though the addict will come to you in their time of weakness and beg you to help them with money for this or that (which is usually spent on drugs) they honestly don't need to be rescued ... they need a firm NO .. you got yourself into this and you'll have to get yourself out ... this kind of response will not please the addict, but when recovery comes they will thank you for it ..
Picture this .. your loved one is locked in dark cell .. deep down ... and what you see before you is the addiction screaming to be fed .. (it looks like your loved one .. talks like your loved one, but it isnt at all ... It is the addict) Every time you feed the addict you shakel down your loved one a little tighter. You help keep him/her prisoner. (there are no truer words then that).
The best way to help your addicted loved one is by "demanding respect for yourself" don't make idle threats .. say what you mean and mean what you say ... don't buy the addicts poor me stories (poor me usually means I need to feed my addiction and a good ol' sob story will get you to help me) Don't enable ... enabling only cripples the addict ...
Do make boundaries .. do stand by them. Don't let the addict get away with crossing them ..
and hang that phone up when the addict starts talking his/her jib ... but not before you remind the addict that ... "dude, its not myproblem .. and if you wanna dance .. you're gonna haveta pay the fiddler".
Don't take no disrespect, no blame, no bs .. tell the addict straight up .. like it is
This addiction is "THEIR" baggage .. hand it back to them.. wipe your hands of it. and shut the door.
Addiction is a heavy load to carry around and its gets heavier with each use. The hope and prayer is that the weight will become to heavy of a burden that the addict will become overly-exhausted and begin to look for a way out .. sometimes the addict will just put the load down for a bit of rest .. pick it back up again and carry on .. but the weight isn't lessened for long by this pause... and this is where the idea of recovery can begin to take root and grow .... Recovery is the answer ... put em on that path and point em in that direction .. the rest is up to him/her.
I'm done with my tangent now LOL .. hope it all made sense ..
******{Hugs}}}}}
Passion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 684
This made me smile cause my husband loves to say the word Dude... drives me batty. Sometimes I say I'm not a dude I'm a girl or your wife whatever. He calls the kids dude too. Yes I completely agree marijuana will screw up anyone's life who becomes addicted to it. AH would love marijuana to legalize don't think that will happen here but who knows. 6 months ago he was smoking from the time he woke up until the time he went back down. It's not habit forming my foot!! Thanks for sharing this. Hang in there with your son... I think you are doing the right thing for both of you by leaving him to his business to clean up his own mess.
Your a good mom and he's lucky to have someone who loves him enough to let him suffer when he's screwed up.
Peace,
Shaun
Your a good mom and he's lucky to have someone who loves him enough to let him suffer when he's screwed up.
Peace,
Shaun
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: media, pa
Posts: 243
Just to clarify, a 'dude' can be a girl, too. The word dude is wonderful because for potheads it makes addressing someone an easy thing. As a recovering pothead, I had some friends that could barely form a sentence, let alone address someone specifically, or appropriately.
Isn't a chapter in the Torah called duderonomy?
Isn't a chapter in the Torah called duderonomy?
Clyde's Bonnie
.gif)
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Manchester, CT
Posts: 128
Oh My Word!!! I Know Exactly How U Feel Abf Calls Me Dude Every Time He Speaks To Me. However I Have Been Able To Slow It Down Significantly. When In Public Every Chance U Get Call Him "woman" "girl" And Exaggerate It And Increase It In Volume- He Will Become Embarrassed A Lot And Maybe Next Time He Goes To Speak To U He Won't Include Dude Because He Knows Your Response Will Begin With An Obnoxiously Exaggerated Female Gendered Word! Good Luck With Everything,.
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