good_luck

Ok, there is something that I have been wondering about. I mean, I've thought about it ALOT and have my theories, but at this point I wonder if I can have some primary source information from some recovering alcoholics, or anyone else.

Basically, my XABF is super horrible about expressing anger. Someone does him wrong, he is pissed, and they never know. On the other hand, I know every thing that I have ever done "wrong," as well as some stuff that is just flat-out made up. Every bit of anger from any part of his life has no problem coming out when I am being blamed for it.

Now, I know that this is not a unique characteristic. But why? Is he actually trying to destroy me? Because sometimes I think so. And I think that I am getting how to deal with it, but it would really help me to understand why it happens.

Pony

If I am hreading it right....he is your ex-bf...right? If he is an ex-bf why are you having to deal with him at all. Maybe he should not have any contact with you if he cannot treat you with respect.

Sometimes there is no finding reason with an addict. There is only how you respond to such issues. I think understanding an addict is as broad a concept as understanding nature it's self.

Have you tried al-anon or nar-anon. these groups are filled with those that have shared the same or similar expereinces and you can learn tools to help you cope as well as serenity for yourself.

GlassPrisoner

Yes, blaming others is a common trait among us. So is self-centerdness, perfectionism, selfishness, a felling of not belonging anywhere, inferiority, unreasonable expectations of ourselves and others, self-reliance , and a huge thing with controlling everything and everyone around us. Why? I don't know. Nor do I need to know. All I know is that there is a solution.

Yup.

I'd take Pony's advice, it's good advice.

Pilgrim

Here is my experience.

My life when I was drinking was pretty much ruled by fear. I kept most things inside and tried to keep the fear down but it would come out later. Mostly I would try to numb it by drinking. I was angry but when I drank, I would relax and feel I could do anything.

I am codie too and my ex-abf was the same as yours. He was the opposite to me. Good as gold sober but an angry drunk. The times when he drank were in the evening. I was there in the evening. I got the anger.

This is quite a common story I am finding. Men are angry drunks and women are angry sobers.

I had no boundaries back then. I started to recover from alcoholism and then I started being able to stay away from ex. I put myself and my recovery first. No other priorities got in the way of that primary goal. If we allow it, the a will take it.

DesertEyes

Hi there, good_luck, and pleased to meet you

I would be one of those, recovering alanoid too

Well... suppose you figure that out. Suppose you find out _exactly_ why your alkie behaves in that manner. What are you going to do with that information? No really, what's the point to finding out?

If you are a codie like me, then you would be trying to get inside his head so you can find a way to get him to see what he's doing and make him change. That's what I tried with my ex-wife. Tried to make her change.

The good news is you don't have to spend all that energy trying to get him to change. He will only change when he's good and ready, and the harder you try to push him the harder he's going to dig in his feet. If he's sober long enough to notice.

Here's the way I've heard it at meetings of al-anon. Why does a duck quack? Well, because that's how you know it's a duck. If it clucked it would be a chicken. So why does an alcoholic act in aggresive, violent ways? Because that's how you know he's a drunk. If he handled frustration in a healthy productive manner he wouldn't be a drunk. He'd be a normal, healthy person.

You can't change a duck into a chicken. All you do is waste your time and aggravate the duck.

Let me see if I can turn it around by asking _you_ a question coming from a recovering alkie. Why is it that codies get involved with partners that are so clearly harmful and dangerous to them, and the more they get beat up (physically and emotionally) the harder they hang on?

I know the answer for me. Good_luck? What's the answer for you?

Mike

CarolD

I too am an alcoholic in recovery.

As such...I can tell you I avoid any relationship
that does not make me happy and serene.

Toxic people are bad news ...alcoholic or not.

I require man who cherish me ...works quite well.

Viki

Sometimes we hurt the ones that we love the most. obviously he still has feelings for you and is trying to control you with his anger. if he is actually the ex then you should write him out of your life before his anger goes too far one day. he sounds like he could be dangerous.