lovtolaff

but I can't believe it. Why? Because I've been told that before.

This is my first post - I've lurked for a few months but decided to post after this past w/end's events.

My fiance is an alcoholic. Though he doesn't consider himself one - he has the attitude of "I can quit when I want to". Well this past weekend - he went on a binge and I packed up most of his sh*t and told him I was done with him and his drama. On Monday - he apologized (nothing new) and told me that he was going to quit drinking this time.

Today is day 4 of no alcohol and I must say it's a little weird. When you are used to watching someone down 8-12 (or more) beers a night and then they are drinking nothing - it's a little surreal. I can see the "want for alcohol" in his face and his body language. I'm so afraid that he's doing this for me instead of for him...and that will never work.

I also worry that he will think to himself that his "fun" life is over if he can't drink anymore and he will find my life boring and mundane. My life is actually quite normal but he's one that loves the next party and loves to get hammered. He's also quite the a$$hole when drunk. He's embarrassing, obnoxious and hateful when drinking.

I guess I've programmed myself to not expect anything and that way I won't be depressed. I really don't see him making it thru the w/end - part of it because it's payday.

I really wouldn't mind if he drank a couple of nights a week but he does not know when to stop. It just goes on and on. I love him dearly and would do anything to help him but he's not one to really open up about his alcohol use so I don't know what he's thinking/feeling right now.

I don't know why I decided to post today - just looking for somewhere to vent.

Barbara52

Welcome.

Sounds like you are going thru what so many of us have. Its never easy.

I understand your doubts. If he is only doing it for you, its unlikely to last. He has to want to change himself and be willing to commit tothe long and difficult road to recovery.

Have you considered goign to AlAnon? It can be very helpful to you in helping you understand yourself and to reach decisions.

IrishOrchid

Have you tried Al-Anon? It has helped me cope with the many alcoholics I'm related to and attending meetings with others going through similar experiences might help you cope with this period of change. You'll find local meetings trhough the links at al-anon.org

mike_mass

My only experience regarding your situation...don't expect marriage to change his habits.

parentrecovers

take care of you. keep posting! k

lovtolaff

"My only experience regarding your situation...don't expect marriage to change his habits"

Good Lord no. I've already told him I will NEVER marry him as long as he continues to drink. I love this man dearly with all my heart but I gotta admit he has really brought some drama into my life. I used to think I could "fix" him (yes I'm a fixer) but I now know that that isn't possible. He has to fix himself - and I guess that is where I'm in doubt sorta - does he REALLY want to fix himself or is he doing this because he thinks I will leave him?

I guess time will tell. Thank you all for your replies and I'm glad this forum is here for others having these types of issues. No I haven't done the al-anon thing yet but have been thinking about it.

steve11694

Dont even think he is doing it for you. he may be deluding HIMSELF and raising his perception of grandiosity by not drinking for X number of days. "look at how great I am, you see I am not an alcoholic"

embraced2000

read mike mass post. then read again, then engrain it into your mind. make it your mantra. he said so much with so little words. and no truer words have ever been written.

and, hey, welcome!!!!

we're all here for each other and you, too. and you will be there for many of us by sharing your story.

lovtolaff

"look at how great I am, you see I am not an alcoholic"

Yep now THIS I CAN believe. I think when he said "i'm going to stop drinking" he said it in the heat of the moment and wasn't really thinking about how hard it would be. I asked him "do you think you have a drinking problem" and he just said "well i know i can quit". I don't think he realizes how much he depends on it or "likes" it - well that is until this week. He hasn't drank since Sunday and I can tell it bothers him more than he is letting on.

I have no doubt in my mind that he COULD stop on his own if he really wanted to. I don't want him doing it to keep me from leaving him - I don't want him to have resentment towards me because in his mind I took away his favorite thing to do - I don't want him to look at our life and think "man this is boring" because he isn't "getting" his daily alcohol supply.

I'm wondering how the weekend will pan out. I hedge my bets on him sheepishly asking me "can I have a few beers tonight"? As if I'm the one that controls his drinking.

This is some ride huh?

embraced2000

yup, it's a ride allright....a ride straight outta hell. but we are the only ones that can change the kind of ride we want to take.

lovtolaff

"we are the only ones that can change the kind of ride we want to take"

Yeah I'm a slow learner ha ha but I will say that it's getting easier and easier to wanting to get off this ride....aaah that is so sad for me to think about.

Mair

Hi Lovtolaff nice to meet you. Well your A is my XA twin brother!!!!and he's probably got hundreds of twin brothers on this site.

In my experience my xa used to say "im in control" funnily enough when he had no money or was in the dog house with me. We havent been together for two half months now he has said that he is going to "control" his drinking four time in this short space of time, but has always failed. I met him for coffee last weekend and he spurted out "it doesnt look like im packing up drinking, but ive cut down a lot" and rushed to the bar to get a beer he was desperate, he drank 4 pints in less than an hour it was horrible to watch the desperation. it's then i knew that he was trying to cut down for me and was hating me for putting him in that situation. It will never never work out, unless he wants to stop for himself.

Stick around you will get stronger for yourself so you will be able to make the right desicions for you.


Mair xx

Afraid2Succeed

if you're a fixer, then you might want to pick a more manageable problem. Alcoholism is a monster that only the addicted can fix.

lovtolaff

wow. just wow.

holdingouthope

When my husband first tried to stop drinking, I was very afraid that he would think his fun life is over and that he would find me boring. I think I also had that fear about us and the time we spent together.

Try thinking of things the two of you enjoyed doing together before the nightly drinking routine began...taking a walk, going to the beach/movies/whatever. Invite him to join you. Hopefully those activities will re-insert themselves where the drinking has been drowning you both.

harleygirl92156

It may just be me, and if so, I apologize, but this sounds like manipulation to me. "Distract him so he doesn't drink"?????

I say, if you want to go for a walk, to the beach or to the movie, do it. Let him know you are going and that he is welcome to join you, but don't do it trying to control the situation, do it because that is what YOU want to do for yourself.

holdingouthope

I neither said nor meant anything of manipulation, distraction, or controlling the situation.

I was only suggesting that she stop worrying about how he is going to have fun and start spending time doing things she enjoys.

harleygirl92156

I am sorry, was not doggin' ya, just said TO ME it sounded like manipulation.

Anytime I try and control a situation to keep my SO from drinking, it is manipulation (as I see it)

Barbara52

I didn't see it as manipulation just trying to bring about some normalcy, returning to the fun things they use to share. That would be a healthy thing to do. It didn't strike me as do this as a means of distracting him from the temptation to drink.

harleygirl92156

Ok, I am not getting what I am trying to say across.........IF I DID SOMETHING LIKE THIS, WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS ACTIVE, OR THE MANY TIMES HE TRIED TO QUIT ON HIS OWN, IT WAS PURE AND SIMPLE MANIPULATION. THAT IS ME, JUST ME AND ONLY ME.......
I KNOW IF I DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT, MY MAIN MOTIVATION WOULD BE TO CONTROL THE SITUATION, THUS CONTROL HIS DRINKING........ME, JUST ME....K EVERYBODY.....
Didn't mean to stir a pot, just sharing what that type of situation would have meant to me and what my motives would have been.......but then I was pretty evil back in those days, evil, controling, manipulation, you name it.