2 days now - what have I learned?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
2 days now - what have I learned?
I have had the benefit of this forum and some al anon email lists for two days now, and I have already learned so much from you all. I feel comforted in knowing I am not alone, and there has been a great deal of validation for me in learning that others see and feel in their lives what I have been seeing and feeling in mine.
I have learned my concerns are valid, and the behaviors I was suspecting were the result of the disease are indeed just that.
A kind soul sent me the 3 C's in an email - didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. This speaks volumes to me, because I now realize I have been consumed by an obsession for all three. I didn't even realize how much it was dictating my every move until now. And I have made both my A and my daughter' lives miserable as a result.
I have learned I must live my own life and let him be responsible for himself.
Like so many others, I did not realize how much I need to work a program of my own, how many things I need to address about myself. I was so focused on his needing to change. I have found this self-reflection to be an epiphany in many ways. I was so focused on his needing 'fixing' I didn't see how much I also need 'fixing.' My problems (need to control everything, need to feel secure in a relationship because I am 'needed,' need to feel special because "only I would put up with him, right? look at all I do for him! I must be wonderful and he will be forever grateful and therefore love me always.") are only hurting him, not helping. Even he knew that and has tried to make me see it.
I have learned I need to work a program to become a better me, and everyone in my life will benefit from that.
A clear consistent message in all of my reading is that only the A can decide to recover, and only for themselves. That is a hard one to fully grasp, but its clear. Its been so easy to believe that as long as he doesn't admit he has a problem then I can fix him by simply showing him he has a problem. Once he sees what I am proving then he'll want to stop, right? Well I've had another epiphany, just this morning, on this one. My A does know he has a problem. Denial does not mean he doesn't know, it means he doesn't want to face it, and won't admit it (very often). He himself has said that he can only stop when he wants to, and only for him.
I have learned that nothing I do will cause my A to begin recovery. I am powerless, as they say here.
But I have to be realistic, it has only been two days. I have so far to go. My A is still able to push my buttons, and I still love him no matter how emotionally damaging I think that is for myself and my daughter. I read all the shares about learning to live with the A and have not yet learned something I desperately need to learn... Can I be happy in that situation or not? I feel unwilling to take the risks associated with taking my A back (we are separated 4 weeks) and yet completely unable to say no when he asks, because I love and miss him.
I have learned I have a long way to go in my recovery. And this forum is going to be a huge help.
Thank you all for participating in my 'education.'
I have learned my concerns are valid, and the behaviors I was suspecting were the result of the disease are indeed just that.
A kind soul sent me the 3 C's in an email - didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. This speaks volumes to me, because I now realize I have been consumed by an obsession for all three. I didn't even realize how much it was dictating my every move until now. And I have made both my A and my daughter' lives miserable as a result.
I have learned I must live my own life and let him be responsible for himself.
Like so many others, I did not realize how much I need to work a program of my own, how many things I need to address about myself. I was so focused on his needing to change. I have found this self-reflection to be an epiphany in many ways. I was so focused on his needing 'fixing' I didn't see how much I also need 'fixing.' My problems (need to control everything, need to feel secure in a relationship because I am 'needed,' need to feel special because "only I would put up with him, right? look at all I do for him! I must be wonderful and he will be forever grateful and therefore love me always.") are only hurting him, not helping. Even he knew that and has tried to make me see it.
I have learned I need to work a program to become a better me, and everyone in my life will benefit from that.
A clear consistent message in all of my reading is that only the A can decide to recover, and only for themselves. That is a hard one to fully grasp, but its clear. Its been so easy to believe that as long as he doesn't admit he has a problem then I can fix him by simply showing him he has a problem. Once he sees what I am proving then he'll want to stop, right? Well I've had another epiphany, just this morning, on this one. My A does know he has a problem. Denial does not mean he doesn't know, it means he doesn't want to face it, and won't admit it (very often). He himself has said that he can only stop when he wants to, and only for him.
I have learned that nothing I do will cause my A to begin recovery. I am powerless, as they say here.
But I have to be realistic, it has only been two days. I have so far to go. My A is still able to push my buttons, and I still love him no matter how emotionally damaging I think that is for myself and my daughter. I read all the shares about learning to live with the A and have not yet learned something I desperately need to learn... Can I be happy in that situation or not? I feel unwilling to take the risks associated with taking my A back (we are separated 4 weeks) and yet completely unable to say no when he asks, because I love and miss him.
I have learned I have a long way to go in my recovery. And this forum is going to be a huge help.
Thank you all for participating in my 'education.'
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jessieandme
Your post touched my heart, because I remember the relief I felt when I began my recovery, learning that I wasn't crazy, I was codependent. If you haven't read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, I highly recommend it. when I read it, i wanted royalites because it was exactly about ME.
You have learned a lot in 2 days, and are miles ahead of where I was so early. It is all about baby-steps, lightbulb moments, and learning new behaviours that keeps the focus on us and what is healthy. And, one day at a time, we move forward, and the darkness turns to light.
I'm sending hugs and prayers for you and your family, that recovery will take you all to a better place.
Your post touched my heart, because I remember the relief I felt when I began my recovery, learning that I wasn't crazy, I was codependent. If you haven't read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, I highly recommend it. when I read it, i wanted royalites because it was exactly about ME.
You have learned a lot in 2 days, and are miles ahead of where I was so early. It is all about baby-steps, lightbulb moments, and learning new behaviours that keeps the focus on us and what is healthy. And, one day at a time, we move forward, and the darkness turns to light.
I'm sending hugs and prayers for you and your family, that recovery will take you all to a better place.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
I want to welcome you jessieandme2003!
If I had only obtained all the knowledge that you already have many years ago I would have saved myself alot of wasted energy.
The energy we waste on them can be used in so many more productive ways!! You are well on your way to a great recovery!!
Hugs and prayers to all of you,
matters
If I had only obtained all the knowledge that you already have many years ago I would have saved myself alot of wasted energy.
The energy we waste on them can be used in so many more productive ways!! You are well on your way to a great recovery!!
Hugs and prayers to all of you,
matters
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Jessieandme.....WOW! You've learned a lot in just a couple of days!
I'm right there with you on not ready for the risks associated with taking AH back right now. Phew! I have a hard time setting boundaries, sticking to them and saying NO. I'm getting better.
My counselor, who happens to be a Christian counselor, validated our separation. He also gave me a bit of advice that helps me whenever I'm feeling like I'm going to give in and cave when AH tells me how much he loves me and how he's a changed person....."....this time it's different...." My counselor told me that AH needs to feel his pain in order to recover. When I see his pain, I switch into "auto-co-dependent" and want to fix it....make him feel better. I find myself doing this less and less.
Another point that my counselor made.....he compared me to Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. Remember the eggs? The scene where she's cooking up all different kinds of eggs to learn which kind SHE likes? That's me. I don't know what kind of eggs I like because I've always gone along with AH's choices and preferences. I was never allowed to "choose my own eggs." Well, watch out, because I'm cooking eggs this weekend! Tee Hee!
Hang in there......
Sarah
I'm right there with you on not ready for the risks associated with taking AH back right now. Phew! I have a hard time setting boundaries, sticking to them and saying NO. I'm getting better.
My counselor, who happens to be a Christian counselor, validated our separation. He also gave me a bit of advice that helps me whenever I'm feeling like I'm going to give in and cave when AH tells me how much he loves me and how he's a changed person....."....this time it's different...." My counselor told me that AH needs to feel his pain in order to recover. When I see his pain, I switch into "auto-co-dependent" and want to fix it....make him feel better. I find myself doing this less and less.
Another point that my counselor made.....he compared me to Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. Remember the eggs? The scene where she's cooking up all different kinds of eggs to learn which kind SHE likes? That's me. I don't know what kind of eggs I like because I've always gone along with AH's choices and preferences. I was never allowed to "choose my own eggs." Well, watch out, because I'm cooking eggs this weekend! Tee Hee!
Hang in there......
Sarah
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Canandaigua.NY
Posts: 21
readin in al-nonbook5/31
Hello to all. Im new to this Al-Non book. I do try to understand its readings etc. my question is . On the reading 5/31 it says thatwe shoiuld allow him to fall into crisis. how can you do that when you knownthat he allready is in trouble and it will get worse if you dont help him. in other words, it says that we should mind our own business.how can you do that asd a family member and watch everything fall apart? thanks
redrose
redrose
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