Those sneaky ways I'm still hanging on
I Finally Love My Life!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Those sneaky ways I'm still hanging on
I like to think I'm moving on, detaching. Positive affirmations are good and I start to believe them when I say them to myself long enough.
I also feel that I'm still hanging on to my relationship with XABF. I didn't realize these ways until I had an epiphany at my last session with my therapist. Now that I see them, I can work on removing them!
Those sneaky ways I am still hanging on:
1. I am still making his problems my problems: Becoming anxious when I see men drinking. I was so focused on keeping the one boundary I set at the beginning of our relationship - if he drinks, he is gone - that I am now diverting that boundary to others.
Solution: Get out more with those I feel are "safe" into environments where men are drinking and "observe". The best cure for fear of flying is taking flying lessons to prove your fear is not logical.
2. From time to time, I get hints of feeling like I want him to pay for his crimes.
Solution: Think of FormerDoormat's ex's passing and realize that could be my ex and I could find out right now that XABF is no longer living. I remember I still wish him recovery.
3. I caught myself having a fantasy the other day that we were marooned on a desert isle without alcohol and lived happily for the rest of our lives.
Solution: Think of why I was with him to begin with and that I am no longer attracted to people because they "need" me.
4. I'm avoiding going to the gym for fear I'll run into him. He holds no power over me...except when I let him, like this for example.
Solution: Go when I know he won't be there, go with a "safe" person and remember how great I feel after a workout.
5. Trust - never. At times I feel as though I don't want to put forth the effort to trust anyone...which is different than simply being afraid to trust someone because you don't know them well enough. I literally throw up a wall...nope, not going to trust, don't want to go there, regardless of action I see.
Solution: Talk about it with therapist, read codependent no more and spend time with the trustworthy people in my life. This one is still tough for me.
6. Sometimes, I still wish he'd call so that I know he will be crushed when I don't call back.
Solution: Think of FormerDoormat's ex's passing and realize that could be my ex and I could find out right now that XABF is no longer living. I remember I still wish him recovery.
Anyone else want to add examples from their own lives?
I also feel that I'm still hanging on to my relationship with XABF. I didn't realize these ways until I had an epiphany at my last session with my therapist. Now that I see them, I can work on removing them!
Those sneaky ways I am still hanging on:
1. I am still making his problems my problems: Becoming anxious when I see men drinking. I was so focused on keeping the one boundary I set at the beginning of our relationship - if he drinks, he is gone - that I am now diverting that boundary to others.
Solution: Get out more with those I feel are "safe" into environments where men are drinking and "observe". The best cure for fear of flying is taking flying lessons to prove your fear is not logical.
2. From time to time, I get hints of feeling like I want him to pay for his crimes.
Solution: Think of FormerDoormat's ex's passing and realize that could be my ex and I could find out right now that XABF is no longer living. I remember I still wish him recovery.
3. I caught myself having a fantasy the other day that we were marooned on a desert isle without alcohol and lived happily for the rest of our lives.
Solution: Think of why I was with him to begin with and that I am no longer attracted to people because they "need" me.
4. I'm avoiding going to the gym for fear I'll run into him. He holds no power over me...except when I let him, like this for example.
Solution: Go when I know he won't be there, go with a "safe" person and remember how great I feel after a workout.
5. Trust - never. At times I feel as though I don't want to put forth the effort to trust anyone...which is different than simply being afraid to trust someone because you don't know them well enough. I literally throw up a wall...nope, not going to trust, don't want to go there, regardless of action I see.
Solution: Talk about it with therapist, read codependent no more and spend time with the trustworthy people in my life. This one is still tough for me.
6. Sometimes, I still wish he'd call so that I know he will be crushed when I don't call back.
Solution: Think of FormerDoormat's ex's passing and realize that could be my ex and I could find out right now that XABF is no longer living. I remember I still wish him recovery.
Anyone else want to add examples from their own lives?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I find myself avoiding places where I might run into my AH. Not a problem really in most instances since that mostly involves changing the grocery store I go to or things like that.
The one area it is causing me some difficulty and thought is that we attend the same church. AH hasn't attended much in the past year but I hope and pray he does since it is a source of support he needs and could use. I do not know how I feel about attending worship with him there though. I also find my congregation a great source of support and love. I do not want to look for another church home. But I don't want to see AH there either. But I want him to be there. Dang! Its a confusing mess!
Nothing needs to be decided of course. God will lead me and AH where he wants us to be. But its one of those things I've been giving some thought to lately.
The one area it is causing me some difficulty and thought is that we attend the same church. AH hasn't attended much in the past year but I hope and pray he does since it is a source of support he needs and could use. I do not know how I feel about attending worship with him there though. I also find my congregation a great source of support and love. I do not want to look for another church home. But I don't want to see AH there either. But I want him to be there. Dang! Its a confusing mess!
Nothing needs to be decided of course. God will lead me and AH where he wants us to be. But its one of those things I've been giving some thought to lately.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Cage 
It is a long road this recovery process! Just when we think we are almost there, I find that we sabotoge ourselves in some way-But I believe in a good way in recovery because it gives us the opportunity to rid the junk we need to that we are hanging on too!
This problem that you are having allowing the XABF and that old relationship to "hang on", your not alone there! I find myself at times doing the same thing. He entires my mind when I should be focusing on ME and other things in my life...something he did so often when we were together.
I would like to say YES you are moving on and you are working through it the best that you can. I know that I'm moving on too!
We have to remember to be gentle with ourselves the best we possibly can! The power of ourselves and HP together will lead us to a place free from this kind of destruction to ourselves anymore-because we finally understand and know that we deserve it!
Hang in there honey you have come so far and done such a beautiful job with your recovery!
Moving on=Right direction
It is a long road this recovery process! Just when we think we are almost there, I find that we sabotoge ourselves in some way-But I believe in a good way in recovery because it gives us the opportunity to rid the junk we need to that we are hanging on too!
This problem that you are having allowing the XABF and that old relationship to "hang on", your not alone there! I find myself at times doing the same thing. He entires my mind when I should be focusing on ME and other things in my life...something he did so often when we were together.
I would like to say YES you are moving on and you are working through it the best that you can. I know that I'm moving on too!
We have to remember to be gentle with ourselves the best we possibly can! The power of ourselves and HP together will lead us to a place free from this kind of destruction to ourselves anymore-because we finally understand and know that we deserve it!
Hang in there honey you have come so far and done such a beautiful job with your recovery!
Moving on=Right direction
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I've found that I've used my ex as an excuse to sabatoge my own happiness that I've been working so hard for lately. No one else is in my life to do it currently, so, I did it to myself instead, LOL! I think I'm addicted to my own drama.
See, the lessons taught to me in the past dictated that, well, "ok, you're happy now...let's see if I can destroy that for you". Happiness comes, then happiness is ripped away from you very shortly...(that's my 'rollercoaster' theorgy I'm working on). In a nutshell, that pattern described my growing up with my very, very, unhappy and negative Dad.
I'm glad I'm able to see that now and I'm beginning to see him as a person, with his own strengths and weaknesses. Sure, I sometimes get angry about it all, but, I'm fighting my way through to the compassion. After all that's been said and done, I still do love my Dad.
See what happens when you make me think Cagefree, LOL?!?!?!?!?!
See, the lessons taught to me in the past dictated that, well, "ok, you're happy now...let's see if I can destroy that for you". Happiness comes, then happiness is ripped away from you very shortly...(that's my 'rollercoaster' theorgy I'm working on). In a nutshell, that pattern described my growing up with my very, very, unhappy and negative Dad.
I'm glad I'm able to see that now and I'm beginning to see him as a person, with his own strengths and weaknesses. Sure, I sometimes get angry about it all, but, I'm fighting my way through to the compassion. After all that's been said and done, I still do love my Dad.
See what happens when you make me think Cagefree, LOL?!?!?!?!?!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
See what happens when you make me think Cagefree, LOL?!?!?!?!?!
now she has me thinking! He He Love ya ICU!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
This is tricky, and may warrant its own thread, but, I hold on in a sneaky way through our sexual connection.
I have a lot of difficulty imagining being sexual with someone else.
There is sexual abuse in my history, so I am not good at casual sex, I wont trust the A to touch me, even though I am really very attracted to him physically. The trust is flattened.
My friends all say, you need to get laid!!!. I just want to crawl under a rock. This is one very powerful way that I am still holding on.I am sad about this.
I have a lot of difficulty imagining being sexual with someone else.
There is sexual abuse in my history, so I am not good at casual sex, I wont trust the A to touch me, even though I am really very attracted to him physically. The trust is flattened.
My friends all say, you need to get laid!!!. I just want to crawl under a rock. This is one very powerful way that I am still holding on.I am sad about this.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
This is tricky, and may warrant its own thread, but, I hold on in a sneaky way through our sexual connection.
I have a lot of difficulty imagining being sexual with someone else.
There is sexual abuse in my history, so I am not good at casual sex, I wont trust the A to touch me, even though I am really very attracted to him physically. The trust is flattened.
My friends all say, you need to get laid!!!. I just want to crawl under a rock. This is one very powerful way that I am still holding on.I am sad about this.
I have a lot of difficulty imagining being sexual with someone else.
There is sexual abuse in my history, so I am not good at casual sex, I wont trust the A to touch me, even though I am really very attracted to him physically. The trust is flattened.
My friends all say, you need to get laid!!!. I just want to crawl under a rock. This is one very powerful way that I am still holding on.I am sad about this.
The sexual part of my marriage died years ago. For me, I hope one day to find a loving relationship with a man. But I know I won't be ready for that part of a good life for a long time. And that's ok. I need time to heal, to find out who I am before I can be ready for another relationship. Friendship is all I will be looking for.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
addicted to my own drama.
Looking back over my life, its quite evident to me, that there's a "pattern" here,,he,he,he
So, now, I have to look at what's lacking in ME to make me want to add drama to my life to feel like I'm living?!?!
You know, I walk around in sort of a fog, I guess you could say, a form of manic/depressive. One moment on a "natural high" at the life I am creating for myself. Happy and content, in awe at the "simple" things like the freedom of peace in my own home. Futzin through the day, looking around thinking, " I can't beleive all I am doing for me, and the gift the spirits have given me." My own little utopia,,he,he,he. Then just as fast comes the "depressive". Does he think about me? Is he still drinking? Maybe he really DID love me and I made a HUGE mistake? And it begins to invade my today.
It affects how I relate to others in my life. The wonderful man I've been seeing and my distrust in the words he uses to tell me how he feels.
Ummm,,correct me if I'm wrong, but that is the prelude to the drama. The "prep" if you will to create the same manic relationship I was in with my XA?
Ya think?!?!?
So, I'm panicing a bit. Afraid I will interject that need for drama into an other wise drama free existence.
Solution? Ahhhh,,if it were that easy. But I hear what your saying Cage, PLAY THE TAPE THROUGH. Remind myself how hard I worked to accomplish where I am today, and how it FEELS. You know, what's my favorite part of this roller coaster? The serenity. I remind myself what it feels like to not have it in my life, retraining myself to make it as comfortable as having the drama once was. It took me YEARS to get use to the need to have it in my life, I can only think it will take as long to get used to NOT having it in my life.
I guess you could say, I'm a work in progress,,,
Peace
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by cagefree
5. Trust - never. At times I feel as though I don't want to put forth the effort to trust anyone...which is different than simply being afraid to trust someone because you don't know them well enough. I literally throw up a wall...nope, not going to trust, don't want to go there, regardless of action I see.
Solution: Talk about it with therapist, read codependent no more and spend time with the trustworthy people in my life. This one is still tough for me.
Solution: Talk about it with therapist, read codependent no more and spend time with the trustworthy people in my life. This one is still tough for me.
I must comment on the trust thing, since this was something I had a really, really hard time with, too. I tend to be a trusting person and I really want to trust others in my life, so I had a huge inner conflict between trusting and not trusting. Wanting so much to, but feeling the fear.....
After months of listening to my therapist repeating it, it finally started to sink in.
Also, when I read "The Road Less Traveled," it helped. And I've said it before on other threads--It's not about trusting others, it's about trusting yourself.No matter who we allow in our lives, how wonderful and kind they are, other people will always let us down. There are no perfect people out there, me included. Wonderful, loving, trustworthy people can and will disappoint you sometimes. It can't be helped, it's human nature. But, if you trust yourself to take care of you, then those times when someone else lets you down or hurts you, intentionally or not, will not devastate you. You will understand that they are human, just as you are, and that sort of thing happens when human beings relate to one another. If it happens occasionally, you will accept them as imperfect people and continue to have whatever level of relationship with them you are comfortable with. If it happens continuously--as in a pattern of behavior--you will assess whether having a relationship with that person enhances your life or not. And you will make a decision to continue allowing them to be a part of your life, or not. So, you see, you can never completely and totally trust another person, and it would not be healthy to do so. The only person you can completely and totally trust is yourself, and you must love and believe in yourself in order to do so. I'm still working on getting to that point, but knowing what I'm aiming for helps.
L
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Wow - nice to know others are "thinking" about this too!
I must say that I'm greatful for many things - this place and all of you rank pretty high up there. Every perspective makes me "think"
Yes - I am addicted to my drama, er...trying to break the addiction of my own drama as well as just plain trusting myself. Trying to separate invalid fears from real concerns are a current obstacle as well as crawling out form my protective cave and forcing myself to be social again.
I can't practice my new skills without interacting with people!
I must say that I'm greatful for many things - this place and all of you rank pretty high up there. Every perspective makes me "think"
Yes - I am addicted to my drama, er...trying to break the addiction of my own drama as well as just plain trusting myself. Trying to separate invalid fears from real concerns are a current obstacle as well as crawling out form my protective cave and forcing myself to be social again.
I can't practice my new skills without interacting with people!
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