sparkle

I have a stepson who has recently completed a 7 day residential program. His fiance and child moved out prior because he as drinking when he had the child in the car. I am trying to watch his behaviors more than listening to what is coming out of his mouth yet my husband seems to be believing everything he is hearing. This is putting a severe strain on our relationship and I don't know how to handle it. I have put alot of thought into this and am still searching for the answer. Can anyone tell me if you have had a similiar situation? This past weekend we had alot of interaction with my stepson and in my observation I thought it was obvious he was still very manipulating. I have no idea if he is drinking. I am just going to throw a couple of things at you and maybe you will tell me I am overreacting.
My stepson has a child and he and his fiance have been apart for a month now. She has been very supportive of his efforts to stop drinking yet has moved in with her parents. My stepson has not contributed anything financially to help her. Since he has been out of rehab he is golfing everyday and told her that at this time he cannot afford to help her because he has to focus on HIMSELF. He called and asked my husband to go golfing on Sunday and they made arrangements to go. My husband thought they could have a little fun and get some good "talk time in." When they met to golf my stepson had asked one of his friends to join them. This friend is a pot smoker and when my husband asked if that was a good idea the response was "He doesn't smoke around me." My husband accepted that line but I know his program would not support that. He had asked his fiance and child over to spend their day with me without asking and they were here 5 hours. He had told her when they got done golfing he would spend time with her and her son. Well, they walked in the door and he said "Sorry I can't spend any time with you tonight I have to go to a meeting and he left. I saw that as crap, not the meeting, but the way he handled it. His father saw it all as positive. Later that night he called here and told his father that he was asleep at 11:30 and his phone rand and it was his old drug dealer calling him to say he just back in town and had some Good Stuff. Stepson said he immediately called the phone company to have the dealers number blocked.
That one just didn't pass my smell test either but his father was very pleased. He calls here at least 5 times a day to tell his Dad how well he is doing. I have just been quiet because I think this is odd behavior but his Dad thinks it is progress. So..we don't talk much at all. I wuld like to think that we can stop all of this from affecting our raltionship but I don't think so. In the past my husband has been defensive and I just don't want to go there.
Am I being overreactive? Is it just that I don't trust? I really want to give the kid the benefit of the doubt but I don't think I am seeing positive behaviors. ADo I just completely detach from all of this and let the pieces fall as they may? HELP...

parentrecovers

everyone recovers different. your husband is just in a different place than you right now. be patient. hugs, k

denny57

Do you attend Al-Anon?

Buffalo66

Maybe a little more time will shed light. It is hard to feel like you cant trust your own intuition...it can be maddening to not know which way to go in terms of supporting someone or shutting them out. I would wait a bit more. Maybe your husband needs to learn in his own time what is true, and what is crap.

CE Girl

I know, when I worried about others "seeing" what I saw, it made me BLIND to how it was affecting ME

D-E-T-A-C-H

Wow,,what a concept hey?

Its a fine balance, being true to your "boundary's" yet still being a "partner" to your husband. I know it frost your arse to see someone "pull the wool" over the eyes of someone we care about, but only THEY can remove the wool.

When your husband comes to his own realizations "when its time", your only "role" as his partner is to support and listen to his woes. When ASKED, share you ESH.

Otherwise,,butt out,,,he,he,he

In the meantime, take care of YOU!!

Peace

sparkle

I do attend Al-Anon. I began when i went through all of this with my own Son a year ago. It was a very rough time for me and I had to do some things that were hard but they were the right thing to do for both he and I. We all came out healthier as a result. Maybe that's why I have the opinions I do now. I guess in a way I feel that my husband is taking the easy way out. Not becoming informed enough, believing love will cure all, blah blah blah. I know I have to detach from this but it is very hard when you live in the same house with someone that doesn't. I have been taking care of myself, and I wuld like to do things with my husband but it seems he is intent on bring readily available to his son almost as though he is responsible for his recovery. My response to that seems to be anger (not vocalized). I know3 I need to work on that and AIA am attending a meeting tonight.

Barbara52

Only time will tell is your son is serious about his recovery. All you can do is work on yourself where you fell you need to.

I would point out to your son that is has a legal financial obligation to his child and that if he doesn't take care of that vountarily the courts will make him pay child support.

DII

Sparkle, I know it's frustrating but you have no control over what your stepson does, says, works his program....etc. You can control you....period. You can set boundries with your stepson and husband as long as the boundry is one that protects you or your protection, property, assets and the like. I agree that your husband is probably trying to support his son. Classic co-dependency. Does your husband attend Alanon? Sounds like your SIL fiancee is doing the right thing by moving in with her parents. I would support her the best you can.

Contrl what you can and let the rest roll off your shoulders!

sparkle

Well, my husband and I both went to the Al-anon meeting last night. It is very interesting how two people can both heaqr the same thing and apply it so differently.
Today happens to be my stepson birthday. So...we leave the meeting and I said to my husband' What do you want to do for your sons birthday tomorrow. Do you want to have him out to the house for dinner or do you want to take him to lunch?
He decided to give him a gift certificate to Dunhams for his birthday so he could get a new golf club. (I didn't say it but I thought to myself maybe it would be nice to write a check to his girlfriend on his behalf to halp pay for the child's expenses, yes I know that makes me evil) So on the way home my husband calls his son and asks if he wants to come to dinner and he said I'll get back to you. He calls back and says he has decided he wants to go out for dinner, with his child and fiance and us to the most expensive restaurant in town and my husband says fine. So we are going to go spend alot of money on dinner sitting with a young woman who is not getting any child support because that is what his Son wants. I'll tell you this is driving me nuts. So what are my boundaries in this? The only way it is affecting me personally is that it disgusts me. What do I do refuse to go? My husband and I communicate less and less as I am beginning to feel it is useless to try. He is going to have to come to this all in his own terms but I cannot join the party. I guess my indiference is one of my husband consequences huh?

DII

Sparkle, you boundry is not to go on these "outings" Your boundry is to tell your husband that you respect his willingness to support his son but that you feel YOUR support should go to his fiance and child. Take them to dinner, participate and support their lives. You can be civil and let what your husband is doing roll off your shoulders. Control what you can.....supporting the real victims. Your SIL is avoiding his responsibility and eventually....hopefully, your husband will see it for what it is worth.

Hang in there!

denny57

I used to spend a lot of time worrying and having an opinion on everyone else's lives and problems. I see now most of that was because I didn't want to do what I had to in order to get myself in shape. Throw an alcoholic in the mix and I could blame him for everything.

Is your husband open to some marriage counseling? Sometimes a third party can really help a couple express their thoughts and feelings without the ingrained dynamics of the relationship.