macawpower58

I am new here, and am looking for advice on the best way to help my 19 year old daughter.

Some background on her.

She started using I think about 3 or 4 years ago. I never knew it until she was arrested with drugs about a year and a half ago.

She ended up in a Drug Program and graduated it clean after a year. She was a juvenile when entering, and an adult apon completion. I was so proud of her, she was proud of herself also.

Her boyfriend of 3 years I have found out, never quit (he told me he did) and now she has relapsed. I imagine she started soon after graduation of the drug program. The boyfriend's brother told me just recently she was using. That is how I found out. I went to her house, and threatened her and him with arrest. I have friends in the K9 devision of our police force, and she believes I have the power to do it. I don't really, my friends must still act within the law, and it is not made to help parents help their children.

I have names of the people she buys from and threatened to turn them in if she didn't cooperate with me.

She has promised, along with boyfriend to quit. Promised to take a urine test anytime I want. Promised to get rid of drug using friends. Promised that boyfriend would work ( he hasn't in 3 years ), and promised to allow a search of her house anytime I chose by a drug dog.

So far, she has not help up her side of the bargain. Her urine test is bad. She says she is trying and everyone has setbacks. This is only 2 weeks after my initial visit. I have found out the same drug friends are going to her house.

What do I do now??

She works the same place I do. Should I get her tested at work? She'd lose her job, along with anyway to buy her drugs. I'd feel so guilty doing that, but I'm so afraid the longer she has a means to do the Meth, the worse she'll get.

Should I try and have an officer stop her?? Drug test her??
They might if I ask, but I'm not even sure if they legally can. I feel only the
threat of jail will make her tow the line.

Am I trying to hard?? She is angry already at my interferring, though also glad in a way. I am afraid her anger will outway her relief at my concern though. One of her drug friends already has threatened me, though I think it is just hot words.

Do I keep trying?? Or allow her to live her own life and fall eventually??

I think her young enough to still be able to turn her life around, but not of her own accord. She likes that horrible meth, even though she's seen it wreck her life the first time.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, mac. my daughter is a bit older than yours - 23. she's been struggling staying clean and sober since she first went to treatment last september. my heart goes out to you.

are you going to alanon or naranon?

you know you can't make her do it...

mom hugs, k

macawpower58

Hi Parentrecovers.

Thanks for the support.

I haven't looked into either alanon nor naranon. I suppose it might help.
This has all happended so quickly, I have been running around like crazy trying to figure out the best way to get her attention. I so hope your wrong about my not being able to help her. I want a good life for her so badly. Not the one she is living now. There must be something I can do??

Becky

parentrecovers

oh, i didn't mean you can't help her. you can! but she's got to be ready and willing to accept the help first. her recovery is in her hands, not yours.

you didn't cause it. you can't cure it. you can't control it. you do have choices as to how you let it affect your life though.

we all want to help our addicted kids. it's just out of our hands when they are not ready to "quit digging".

alanon! it helps...k

lil516

Welcome to SR

You will find many supportive people here but alas you will not find an easy answer ....(or at least not the answer I know you are hoping to find)

if each of us here at SR could locate our first posts they would be quite similar to yours (I know mine was...)

I too am the parent of an addict....my son is now living in a recovery house (15 months) but that didn't happen until he had many attempts at recovery...(many in -patient/out -patient programs and just as many relapses)

if loving him and caring for him could have helped he would have been clean a long time ago...

unfortunately you (or I) can not do it.....it is up to the addict and putting yourself in the role of policeman will only make you sick....

stick around and read as much as you can...
you will find that altho we cannot change the path you are walking we can walk with you....

I pray that your daughter realizes the need to once again seek recovery

the fact that she has had clean time is a big help...she knows how good that feels and she knows she can do it....

my prayers go out to you and your family

hope213

welcome to S.R.i can feel the pain your daughter brings to you. my son is my addict. as bad as it is, it is going to get worse. parents is right when she says there is nothing you can do.what we do is pray alot for our children & the addicts in our life. we let go & let GOD. the sooner they hit there bottom the better off they are. it is hands off the addict, they are going to do what they are going to do. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. read all the stickys at the top of the forum.read"what addicts do". keep coming back, find a meeting & let us know how uw r. prayers for u & your daughter,hope

bookmiser

(((((((Mac))))))))))



I'm glad you found your way here, but so sorry for the reason.
My addict is my 25 yo son.
I found out he was shooting heroin when he was 19.
I found s.r. in October 2005.
Since then, my son has been in detox twice, gone to a methadone clinic, twice,
and finally, after I pressed charges, done 6 months in a county prison.
He was released last year, after I dropped the charges.
Since then, he has drank alcohol and smoked pot.
He did have a crack binge weekend last fall and that was my rock bottom.
I kicked him out of my home and he went to live with his dad.
His dad, btw, is an alcoholic. After living there about 8 months, he started seeing a 36 yo woman and began staying with her more often.
She is medicated for bipolar disorder, but doesn't drink or do drugs.
On the other hand, she isn't working. Heck, neither one of them are, at the moment.
Can you say, 2 peas in a pod? It's all very nerve-wracking, but I have recently told him that I can no longer communicate with him if he wants to continue this lifestyle.
I love my son soooo much, just as I know you love your daughter, but have decided that it's best this way.
He has to "grow" up now.
I wish I could be of more help to you.
The only advice I can give is to find face to face meetings at Alanon/Naranon.
Being with others who can relate and help you heal, will do wonders in helping your daughter. More than you know, really.

Just know that you've come to such a wonderful place for support and feedback.
The people here have become my second family and I love'em for it.
Keep coming back to share and know that I am here to talk with you whenever you need it.
Hugs and prayers from one mom to another,

macawpower58

Wow..........such quick replys, thankyou so much. It is a good feeling knowing others are going or have gone through the same as I.

Won't my daughter feel as though I have given up, if I suddenly stop checking up on her. I know she feels bad that her boyfriends family cares not at all what or how's he's doing. As odd as it sounds, she likes knowing she is cared about.

Am I making excuses, or hopefully, is there is still a chance with some pushing from me, that she'll start and really try. I know how happy she was when clean before. I wish I could seperate her from her boyfriend. The two together is making it so much harder. How will I know when to give up??

I'm sorry that I am not quite convinced yet. I do hear what everyone is saying, but is it always that way? Is there never a chance that a parents interference can succeed?

Becky

All your stories are so sad. Is this the way it is? If so, I feel I am in for a bad time.

bookmiser

Mac,

My son was dating the same girl for 4 years.
She became addicted and was an enabler to him, as well.
When he was released from jail, I moved him, with my husband 325 miles away from where we were living. Not to say that that was the reason. We were planning on moving back to our hometown, anyway.
He could have stayed behind, but chose to leave with us.
My sober daughter, btw, stayed in Pennsylvania and continues to thrive there.
Anyway, he has spoken with this gf many times in the last year, but I believe the whole relationship was based on drug use.
Now they have no use for one another. All the better. lol
In my opinion, the more you try to "keep" her away from him, the more your pushing her toward him. She will eventually realize that he is not helping her situation. Only making it worse. Problem is, it may take a while for her to see it.
I'm sorry.
Addiction is a progressive disease and only when they have suffered so much that the only place to go is "up", then God willing, they will seek recovery.
I can't be sure if my son is ever going to be completely free of drugs, but I do know the part I played in his addiction.
I made excuses for him. I gave him money to "survive". I've done things that no mother should ever have to do for her child.
I now know that the best chance he has for a "wake up" call is for me not to be around him. That's codependency, in a nutshell.
Read Melodie Beattie's book, "Codependent, No More".
Also, "The Enabler", by Angelyn Miller, M.A.
Hope this helps.

caileesnana

Hi and welcome,
My 23 yo daughter is also an alcholic/addict. I have been dealing w/ this for 5-6 years. I have tried everything, every tactic, every thing I read of was told "might" wake her up. Nothing has. She prefers to be a drug addict. The best thing I did, besides joining her in April, was starting meetings and reading and taking care of me, or at least trying to. We all hit our bottom long ago, but my daughter hasn't. She may never recover, so I "pray that she will get better but move on like she won't". Read that somewhere, and say it over and over every day. Also, you didn't cause it, can't control it and certainly can't cure it. All we can do is pray. I have learned throught the wonderful people here in SR that I no longer want a front seat to the drama. I will not watch her destroy herself and all her family. Her life, her choice, my life, my choice.

I feel you pain, and know how much you are hurting. Please know that a burden carried by more than you is so much lighter. We have a great group here and I believe in the power of prayer and we have good news and miracles almost every day.

Read the sticky at the top "Let me Fall".

Prayers,
susan

BigSis

Awww Becky.... ((((GreatBigHugs))))


There is hope - don't forget that. But recovery does not come about because of what we do FOR or TO or WITH our addicted children. It comes when they break through their own denial of the addiction and delusion that they are in control of it.

My own daughter is a meth addict, and started her using in the summer between 6th and 7th grades. We discovered her addiction when she was 17.

I have to tell you, even though I got a lot of the same information you are receiving -

the 3Cs (didn't CAUSE it, can't CONTROL it, can't CURE it)
Hands off the addict!
Believe ACTIONS, not WORDS

Even though I heard all these things... I still had to do what I had to do.

MY "addiction" worked exactly like my daughters...

I needed to break through my denial (that I could somehow control or maybe even cure this addiction)

and I needed to break through my delusion (that her addiction was a temporary condition that would soon go away and give me back MY idea of who my daughter was/is).

and I had to give up my guilt... I had to finally believe that nothing I did directly CAUSED this condition.


Addiction is a biological, psychological, social condition. There is a genetic predisposition to becoming addicted. There are behaviors that continue the addiction and psychological barriers that they need to beat in order to become sober.

It is complex - and far, far larger than "just" using substances.

There is much to learn about the condition... Alanon helped me more than ANY other thing I have done. I went to meetings weekly, at first... then upped that to 3 or 4 TIMES a week when my daughter's using was nearly killing me.

Just as I've had to learn about her addiction - SHE has had to learn it... at her pace, and in her own time.

She also went to rehab... 4 times. And to a recovery house. And to a sober living arrangement (Oxford House). And she failed at EVERY SINGLE ONE.

But today - she is sober. For more than 2 years. And she is happily married to an addict she met in rehab. She is 20 years old, 5 months pregnant and has a 1 year old boy.

This is not the life *I* imagined for her. He is not the son-in-law *I* would have picked.


But it wasn't... and isn't ... mine to decide.


And those are things I've learned in the three years I've been here.

There is hope.... but there is also a lot of work, and a lot to learn.



Welcome, Becky. You are among friends.


((((hugs)))))

bookmiser

BIGSIS!



I think your great.

No. I'm not a stalker, either.
lol

macawpower58

Thankyou everyone all for you support, experiences and advice. Now perhaps I can sleep.

I work graveyard and have been stopping and pounding on her door at 5am, to have her do a urine test.....now I realise I should stop. Her test today was positive. I had thought she was doing better. I hate to see the look in her eyes as she reads my dissapointment, and pain. She is ashamed, but cannot stop herself, at least not yet.

Now, I guess I'll let her be. It will be so hard. Not really sure if I can do it 100%, I feel as though, as a mother, I must try and try again. I will try not to though.

One of the hardest things is working with her. She has had this job for 3 years, lost it once, and was rehired. We work different shifts, but I hear how angry and aggressive (she gets this way when on meth) she has been getting from others at work. I hear that she is coming in late. She has lost it before due to her addiction. It was a miracle this place took her back and gave her another chance. The other employees expect me to step up and help her. They are afraid she will lose her job again. I also fear the same. How do I explain why I am turning my back on her?? How do I explain to her, why I am suddenly no longer on her doorstep??

I pray she realises how much I want to help, even when I stop...........

BigSis

It is hard to get "earth people" to understand, Becky.

What I know today is that my daughter's recovery... at any stage - is none of my business.

Perhaps those who are looking to you to "save" her might realize that it is not their business, either.


She may well NEED to lose this job in order to reach a point where she is ready and willing to make the incredible effort necessary to get and stay sober. You might tell your friends you would hate to steal from her that "opportunity" by getting in the way.


In the meantime - you do what you can live with... and meetings helped me understand that.

((hugs))

marle

Want to say welcome to SR. The addict in my life is my 21 year old daughter. The best way to help your daughter is to get healthy yourself. It takes time and is not easy but it is the only thing that you can do. She will do what she is doing and it won't be long before she refuses the drug testing or finds a way to cheat on it. Happened with my daughter. The further they progress in their addiction, the less they care about how you feel or what you think. If you are helping her at all financially she will say or do anything to keep you involved. My daughter was really remorseful as long as I kept the enabling going. I have not helped my daughter for more than a year now (She lives with her 37 year old crack addicted boyfriend, who buys all her drugs.) And yes in that year she has lost everything and is now living with her boyfriend's mother. But I know that if I had continued to help her, all I would have been doing was buying her drugs and allowing her to continue to live in her denial. Letting go and giving her to God is the kindest thing that you can do. You do not have to force consequences on her by trying to have her arrested, lose her job, etc. because those consequences will come to her all on her own. That way she will be forced to look at what she has done. Tell her that you love her. That is okay to continue to do that, but don't do something for her that she should be doing for herself. I tell you all this because I have been where you are and have done what you have done and are thinking of doing and nothing has made a difference in whether my daughter uses or not. Hugs and prayer, Marle

lil516

I know how terrible you feel....

I have never "given up " on my son (and I have a feeling you won't do so with your daughter either)....I just "gave up" the idea that i could control his addiction and started understanding that recovery would eventually come from him (with help from his Higher Power)

It's time to give up the random drug testing...it's not working anyway right?

you are not turning your back on your daughter....collect some numbers (rehabs, out-patient, meetings etc...) have those available to give her when she asks for help....

I have stopped enabling my son but I never stopped helping...

today he will tell you that the best "help" I ever gave him was the afternoon I drove him to a shelter and left him there....he tried to return home (full of promises) and I said "no"...he moved from there to his current facility and has been recovering daily....

I wish I could say it was an easy recovery but it just isn't....

I will never stop loving him and I will always support any real effort for recovery....

nothing changes overnight and you should not expect that of yourself
start small (if that is most comfortable for you)
perhaps just giving up the random testing will allow you to step back...

please take care of yourself...

a good friend gave me that advice while my son was in active addiction
her words "when he recovers you want to be here ...alive and healthy and able to enjoy it!" were enough to get me started on my own recovery...

please know that we know how you feel and offer support and friendship...

cece1960

Hi Becky,
Great advice before me.
I have to ask...what happens when the UA it comes up dirty?
It sounds like it only succeeds in disappointing you.

I too had trouble not "being there" for my son. I never really fully detached, just stepped back a bit I think.

But looking back, there was a time that a strange dynamic was taking place.
After rehab, my son slipped, stumbled a fell several times. Although he tried his best to hide it, he rarely got it past me. I wanted SO bad to believe in him, and to help him. He was SO close.

What eventually transpired, though, was that since he knew he had my support, and since he knew that I knew that he was slipping up...he no longer feared the consequence of using.
He had wiggled around it, quite cleverly and almost by accident. I say that because it sort of just transpired, largely in part to MY behavior.

Needless to say, some changes were made.

Give yourself a rest Becky, this can be exhausting.

Glad you've joined us
(((Hugs)))
Cece

deedee

(((Becky)))

Another mom here and I also want to welcome you ... you've found a great place for support for YOU.

Once upon a time, I tried everything to save my son. I found out that all my begging, pleading, lecturing, policing, crying, screaming, covering up, didn't change a thing. It only brought me to the brink of despair and my son kept on doing what addicts do ... until his consequences caught up with him and he was ready to make a change in his life. Today, he is clean, has a family, works hard. Is he perfect? No way, but I love him dearly, always have, and I'm grateful for the relationship we have today.

Keep coming back ... many of us have walked in your shoes and we're happy to have you share the journey.

hugs ~

deedee

TrishaV

I have the "been there and done that" scenario for you and the only thing that it did was cause my daughter to lie more, cheat more, steal more and break my heart even more. I tried to be the brick wall that stood between her and the drugs and she kepts dating a jerk with a hammer-jack that would break the barrier. In all honesty, she isn't going to quit no matter what you say to her...she has to want to quit. I know that you feel if you stop her know, she won't get addicted, I felt the same way to and battled this battle for years until I realized that I spent every waking hour trying to figure out a way to make her quit.

This is so hard when you only want the best for your child and they can't see it. They think that you are just trying to run their lives and you have no idea what you are talking about. Of course, we know better, we know what is right and wrong and we know what the drugs are going to do to them, they just don't get it.

My situation even got as bad as me having to take her two children from her. Of course, everyone said...take her kids and she will get a dose of reality. Boy..was that ever a wake up call for me, this gave the time and the place to continue partying! Although, her drug use was only one reason I had taken the kids, the other reasons were cause by the drug use.

I wish you luck and I am so thankful that you found this great group of people. I haven't been in this forum for very long, but I received more education in here about addicts and their distruction and not to mention the great support than I could have gotten from anywhere else.

Good luck and you and your family with be in my thoughts and prayers.

havehope

Hello and welcome to SR
My 21 yr old daughter is the addict in my life. I know exactly how you feel, but because of this site and going to Naranon meetings, I have gotten better. I used to do everything that you have been doing. Even had a GPS system on her car to track everywhere she went. Even would call her if I saw that she was speeding! lol. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but learned that I was only postponing her recovery. Once I stopped trying to "fix" her, my life became more calm. Believe me, it was hard to make that change, but the more I did it, the easier it became.
Keep posting and reading the experience of others. #1 is to take care of yourself! You deserve to have a more stable life. I was told to not ride the rollercoaster with her. That was so true. Also, as others before me said, remember the three "c's". You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it!
Hang in there, your life will get better. Let your daughter and her HP take care of her life.
HUGS
Terri