duet_4-8

I am feeling such a sense of grief tonight for the dysfunction that my two older boys grew up in. Their relationship with each other is in a mess and I can't fix it-I know this in my head but the mother's heart inside of me is breaking for their pain.

I always thought I was protecting them. I am learning the hard facts of what I was really doing......

What I was doing was dragging them deeper and deeper into a dysfunctional family system. What I was doing was teaching them the same sick behaviors that I thought were so stinkin' 'noble'.

After all, wasn't I the victim?? Wasn't I the one holding it all together, taking care of the kids and the home and the business and every other thing? Wasn't I the one that was being used and abused and taken advantage of? Wasn't their dad the bad guy, the one that was responsible for all the pain?

The answer to all of these questions is a resounding NO! I was not the victim. My sons were the victims. I am just as guilty as my exah. His addiction was just easier to spot....

I have always obsessed over the fear that they were going to be like their father. Now I am reeling in the knowledge that they are, in fact...just like me.

I was not holding anything together. I was teaching them to live a lie. To deny their feelings.

To pretend. To manipulate, control, rescue, condemn, and then deny some more. To avoid any type of meaningful, healthy confrontation.

To hold no one accountable but to be accountable to everyone. To excuse the unexcusable and accept the unacceptable.

To believe in the deepest parts of themselves that making a mistake means you ARE a mistake; to be so sick with toxic shame that your greatest fear is that someone will find out that you did something 'wrong'.

I want to tell them how sorry I am. I want to tell them that I always loved them and I never meant to hurt them.

I want to tell them that they weren't supposed to be trying to take care of me. I was supposed to be taking care of them.

I want to tell them that I didn't mean to force either of them into the role of emotional caretaker to a weak, codependent mother who didn't have the guts to stand up and walk away from an intolerable situation.

I want to tell them that none of it was their fault, that they were only little children and little children are supposed to be treasured. That I wanted both of them so much from the moment I knew their tiny hearts were beating within me.

I want to show them the way out of the squirrel cage of compulsive behavior; the way to accept their feelings as valid and real and worthy of expression.

I want to show them how to be honest with themselves so they can be honest with each other.

I want to tell them WHY they are doing some of the things they are doing...I want them to know that it is in the acceptance of the hard facts of their lives, the acknowledgement of the pain that they felt-still feel-that they can begin to find some freedom and peace.

I want to tell them that it is OK to be angry. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to be happy. It is OK to be disappointed. It is OK to make a mistake.

I want to tell them is is simply OK to be.........who they are. Men made in the image of God Himself.

I want to tell them that I'm sorry.............

Wascally Wabbit

Aw duet, what you did was the best you knew to do at that time.
I had a terrible time with mine growning up and later I apologized to them individually. I told them that I really didn't know what to do sometimes. That I did the best I could and I am sorry for any pain it may have caused them.
Even they are both in jail, they love me. I know they do.
And, I have changed. They know and see this. I no longer live the codependant life I did 15 years ago.
It was hard, but without alanon, it would still be the same.

Lovestoomuch

Wascally took the words right out of my mouth. ((Jen))

duet_4-8

Thanks you guys! Maybe I was a little melodramatic in the original post, but those feelings just needed to come out, you know?

I know I did the best I could; I am a product of my own parents' pain and addictions.....

I know that they love me and they know I love them. I just grieve for the pain that they are both in.

They both struggle so with different sides of the coin that is the behavior they learned. One is almost OCD in his perfectionistic workaholism and the other is as irresponsible as the day is long and has 'doormat' stamped on his forehead.

Both of them have HUGE hearts, and it just about kills me to see the things they do and know that they are the result of their childhoods, and that I had it in my power to do something about it and didn't know that.

And..........part of me hopes that some mother whose kids are still young and who thinks that her love for an addict is all that matters will read it and get a clue......

hope213

(((((jen)))) all of us moms blame ourselves for the way our children turn out at times but we should not. i see every day children that was raised in very good homes by very good parents turn to drugs & alcohol. if is not how they are raised all the time but the choices they make.i have 3 children & only 1 is an addict. it was his choice in life.i have turned it all over to my H.P..let HIM deal with it, i can"t. prayers,

cmc

Jen,
BUT...you didn't know- so you didn't have it in your power.
I think the three C's apply to many of the characteristics that our kids develop as a result of circumstances out of our control- and also just because of who they are and their own personalities and tendencies.
I hope that you can trust that they will find their way and be the men their HP intends them to be.

greeteachday

Tonight we were working on Step 8 at our meeting - make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends...A good part of the discussion was that the first person we must make amends to is ourselves...for feeling guilty, for being angry at ourselves fo rnot being perfect, for not being able to see into the future and know what would happen...Simply for doing the best we could with what we knew at the time.

The other part of the discussion was about what are amends...it doesn't necessarily mean apologizing or begging forgiveness. Amends can be about changing behavior...about doing the best we can now that we know more. And I think your sons know you have changed...They will see your strength, your recovery in action and learn from it. I think it is beautiful that you want to share with them what you have learned in recovery...and if you feel you want to apologize for what they grew up with, why don't you? But blaming yourself...no, sorry Duet...you have nothing to be blamed for. You did everything you thought was right at the time and I know for sure that your sons know they were and are loved.
You can't fix them either, much as you love them. They will have to learn through their own life experiences and I suspect that they would not like to think of themselves as stuck in that victim role either. One of the areas of my recovery I focus on now is applying my program to all areas of my life; not just addiction. I rob another person of growth and self knowledge and acceptance when I try to fix or control their stuff...whether an addict or not. It's tough, very tough when it is someone you love and cherish. But you are a wonderful mom and person and you deserve to stop beating yourself up. Your sons will shine...I have no doubt. Hugs and prayers.

Ladybugg

Jen, that post really hits home for me.
I didn't know then what I know now.
If I could have done better, I would have.
I don't even like to think about it.
My kids suffered too, and I feel like I should have been the one to stop it.
I was the one that had it together-NOT!!!

lil516

You are not alone in this kind of thinking...

we all do it..as i read your post i began to relate to each statement but from a different direction...

as the parent of an addict I have a hard time forgiving myself for not realizing what was happening....
I can easily make a list of all the missed opportunities to step in and intervene...

my list (and tears) could fill a book...

if we knew then what we know now perhaps we'd all make different choices but we didn't and we can't go back and the best we can do is resolve not to repeat those "mistakes" in the future (if we can help it!)

please forgive yourself and move on...

cece1960

I really like BigSis's signature line...especially the part that says our future is spotless.
I need to believe that often.

Jen, thank you for that post. I feel this sometimes too, but am getting better at letting myself off the hook.

I've now tried to enmbrace a few new concepts:

I can still "teach" in leading by example.

Although I'm no longer a spring chicken, they are. And they can chart their path in any direction they want, with me cheering from the shore. If I messed something up in their upbringing...they still can choose to change. The tools to help are free of charge.

I now have to trust in them, and thier HP, that they can overcome...just as I did.

Our past is our past and we can only work on making the future brighter...I believe that with all of my heart.

(((Hugs)))
Cece

outonalimb

Greet...you are so right about this!!

And (((((((Jen)))))))))))))...
Your post really hit home with me this morning. I wish I could give you a big old hug in person because I can hear the pain of regret and sadness in your post.

I've spent alot of time in the land of regret...thinking about all of the things I would of, could of, should of done... Most of my regrets center around the way I handled my exah's addiction. I wonder how I could have allowed myself to be used, manipulated, mistreated and disrespected like that...I wonder how I could have let things get so bad without leaving or divorcing him sooner.

And..then...I do an about-face and I second-guess my decision to leave my exah because now my son is growing up without a father in his life (for all practical purposes). I wonder (just for a fleeting moment now and then) if I should have stayed...if there was something else I could have done or tried...

You see...even if you had left when your chidlren were young, you'd still be wrestling with the impact your decision had on your children. You'd be looking at their struggles and wondering if they were due to the fact that you divorced their father and raised them without a father in the home. Each decision comes with its own set of issues and possible regrets.

The only thing I do know for sure...is that my actions and decisions were made with one overriding goal in mind...I wanted to do what was best for my son. I stayed because of him...and I eventually left because of him. I may have made mistakes along the way but I can look myself in the eye and know, without a doubt, that my heart was in the right place...and thats what matters the most. The same holds true for you, sweetie!!

Be kind and loving with yourself. Look yourself in the eye and acknowledge your strength as a mom and woman. You still have so much to teach your children by example...let the biggest lesson be one of self-love and self-forgiveness. You have a chance to show your children that their past mistakes don't have to limit their future or define them as a person. Thats a mighty powerful lesson, my friend!!!!!

You're an awesome mom Jen.
You really are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't lose sight of this fact!!!!!!!!!!

outonalimb

Greet...you are so right about this!!

And (((((((Jen)))))))))))))...
Your post really hit home with me this morning. I wish I could give you a big old hug in person because I can hear the pain of regret and sadness in your post.

I've spent alot of time in the land of regret...thinking about all of the things I would of, could of, should of done... Most of my regrets center around the way I handled my exah's addiction. I wonder how I could have allowed myself to be used, manipulated, mistreated and disrespected like that...I wonder how I could have let things get so bad without leaving or divorcing him sooner.

And..then...I do an about-face and I second-guess my decision to leave my exah because now my son is growing up without a father in his life (for all practical purposes). I wonder (just for a fleeting moment now and then) if I should have stayed...if there was something else I could have done or tried...

You see...even if you had left when your chidlren were young, you'd still be wrestling with the impact your decision had on your children. You'd be looking at their struggles and wondering if they were due to the fact that you divorced their father and raised them without a father in the home. Each decision comes with its own set of issues and possible regrets.

The only thing I do know for sure...is that my actions and decisions were made with one overriding goal in mind...I wanted to do what was best for my son. I stayed because of him...and I eventually left because of him. I may have made mistakes along the way but I can look myself in the eye and know, without a doubt, that my heart was in the right place...and thats what matters the most. The same holds true for you, sweetie!!

Be kind and loving with yourself. Look yourself in the eye and acknowledge your strength as a mom and woman. You still have so much to teach your children by example...let the biggest lesson be one of self-love and self-forgiveness. You have a chance to show your children that their past mistakes don't have to limit their future or define them as a person. Thats a mighty powerful lesson, my friend!!!!!

You're an awesome mom Jen.
You really are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't lose sight of this fact!!!!!!!!!!

lauren

I think that your post is one of the most
sincere posts that I have read in a very long
time from someone who has opened their heart
and mind to self evaluation. I admire your ability
to put this into words as it touched me deeply
in many areas. Thank you.

lauren

frankie_b

(( duet )) I admire your honesty.
Regret and sadness are part of your experience. I want to let you know, it's okay to express the feelings. It's part of your healing in recovery process. Just try not to dwell too long in regret. You did the best you knew at the time and when you knew better, you did better.
I believe without a doubt your experience can benefit others. Experience is garnered
through living. You see codie traits in your sons. As an ACA I want you to know there is so much help available to ACAs. Perhaps your sons can embrace recovery,
attend meetings, work a program, talk with a therapist. I did all these things and today I am healed. God has healed me. I sought help when AS was 18 by attending Alanon and discovered the roots of codependence in my childhood. Your sons are doing the best they know. They have their own life experience, their own path, their own life lessons and they have choices.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are a caring, loving mother. I suggest you make a list of the positive behaviors you modeled for your family.
My A father and codie Mom gave me many wonderful gifts. Yes, there were troubles.
But troubles were not ALL there was.

Hugs

duet_4-8

I am working on this with my therapist and pastor. I asked myself these very questions...the "how in the world did this happen???"

The answers that I have found involve my own childhood. I was conditioned to be a codependent for as long as I have memories. I honestly don't think I am exactly blaming myself for my son's pain. I just needed to grieve it so I can let it go and start fresh today....

which by the way looks a lot brighter.....I don't know where I would be without you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Got to run; baby Shelby is hungry.