ladyjane

I must be a bad mom to never want to see my son again. That's exactly how I feel. I don't want to see him ever! I don't want a relationship with him. I don't want to know him anymore.
He came to my house saturday after I got off work. He brought pregnant gf and her child. Yes, he was drinking and using after I told him not to come in that condition.
He'd asked his dad to borrow money and his dad said no so he told his dad he'd be up to see mom.
When he asked to borrow $50.00 I told him I couldn't let him have it. He freaked and told me they had no money for food or diapers and he wouldn't be able to go to work with no gas money.
Well I honestly didn't have the money to spare and I knew that while they might need diapers, most of that money would be for his drugs. I told his gf that I would give her $20.00 to buy diapers and to not give as any. Now I am Not her child's grandmother, I felt sorry for her.
My son cussed me and called me just about everything he could think of and I told him to get out and never come back. His gf was out the door pronto. My son was outside cussing me and I walked to the car to give her the money. My son say "Don't take that b#@*#'s money. F#@* that b#@*h. Then "Yeah , take the money". I told her to take the money and never to drive him to my house again. He wasn't welcome there.
He jumped out of the car and I said "What do you think your gonna do?" and he said "I'm gonna bust you in the head" and also "I hate you."
I said "Guess what. I hate you, too"
Sure enough I heard he went to his dealer's house. Big surprise, yes?
So now you know why I don't want to know him or have a relationship with him. I don't even care that I may never know my grandson who will be born in January. My as poisons everything around him. He manages to suck all the happiness out of life.
I hope gf wises up sometime soon. She's not an addict. I don't know how she stands it.
__________________
Trish

parentrecovers

let go or be dragged - i read that here last week...

hugs, k

liesagain

no you are not a bad mother, you are a HURT mother.
Your son is in active addiction and he will say and do things to hurt you. Your wanting him out of your life is for your protection and maybe will speed up his fall so he can find recovery.............

you do not have to be treated like that just because you love him.............refusing to be mistreated doesnt prove your love for him or your ability to be a good mom it proves your love for yourself and your ability to be good to yourself!!!

Stick around and talk to the other moms here, they know what your dealing with and can be good support!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))0

lauren

Hi,
Yes I have had those awful moments in my life with my son as well.
It leaves you empty, hurting and for me mostly amazed that someone
who was raised so differently could could turn into a stranger.

You are not a bad mom..heaven forbid..this is the drug's reaction to not
getting what they want through manipulation and coerching. Most people
would give in..you didn't, you stood your ground and made it clear that
you were unavailable to take this type of behavior.

Don't worry either about telling him you hate him, at the time it is the
only defense mechanism that comes to the surface quickly. Be patient
and forgiving to yourself, we cannot change them only ourselves.

Stay safe.

caileesnana

Are you sure you weren't talking w/ my daughter? You are not a bad mother. He is desparate and an addict. Does the gf use? If so, I'd call CPS. Both the baby and the unborn need to be protected.

Carol Burnett once said of her AD Carrie "sometimes you gotta let someone you love hate you for a while"

prayers,
susan

CatsPajamas

Nope you're not a bad mom. Not at all. In fact, you're a GOOD mom for showing him and his GF how you expect to be treated - with respect and dignity.

TRUST me, you can love the son and hate the disease... and as long as they are enmeshed you can set a boundary to not allow that into your life. In some people it's just evil and toxic and poisons everyone and everything it touches.

Hugs from mom to mom.

Cats

Mavis

(((Ladyjane)))

No you are not a bad mother. If you enabled him over and over by handing him money without thinking twice, then I would wonder
Good for you on setting your boundaries! He needs to know that you are one less place for him to run for drug money. Hopefully he will seek treatment. For himself, your family, and this unborn baby's sake.

ladyjane

Thank you all so much for the encouraging replies. I must be a slow learner because we had an episode like this about 2 months ago.
I forgave him and although I didn't forget it, I allowed him to come back and visit.
This time however, I can't see myself as being so forgiving.
I don't want to see him or have a relationship with him.

His gf is not an addict and she's having a difficult pregnancy. I feel sorry for her but other than telling her to leave, I can't help her. She really needs to go back to her mom's and leave as alone, but she won't. She'll wait until she hates him too.
________________
Trish

marle

ladyjane, No you are not a bad mother, just one that needs to detach and if that is the way you need to do it, then that is perfectly okay. No one deserves to be talked to or treated the way your son is treating you. It may be the addiction talking, but even addicts are capable of respect. Addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior. You stick to your boundaries and please don't feel guilty about wanting to protect yourself. You ARE important. Hugs, Marle

Lobo

Ladyjane,
I too know that kind of drama. I have been told many of the same things. I refused to react to that kind of chaos ever again. The last display of that conduct was a few months ago in the emergency room of the hospital. I was able to quietly walk away and not buy into it. I don't know what I would have done if I was not in front of many people. I guess it was good that I was. I refuse to bring myself to that level ever again. Did I hate her at the time.........you betcha.
She is sober now and has apologized for that behavior. It is so nice now that when she asked me if she can borrow a few dollars and I say I'm sorry I don't have it.....she politely says that's okay. Believe me he will feel guilty for his behavior and there will come a time that he will want your forgiveness. Wait until he has his own child.......things will change.
You are a very good mom......he is being a bad son

Hugs and prayers............Lo

BigSis

Sounds like the gf should be in OUR rooms, eh? Codie all the way.

I would give my kids money - then discover it went to drugs. Today, if I feel so moved, I will buy the diapers or the food myself. It still frees up money for drugs, but is not so direct a method of enabling the drug use.

(((hugs)))

Lovestoomuch

Ditto!!

My daughter isn't an addict, however there's been times she doesn't treat me so respectfully and frankly I've told her "I love you, but I sure don't like you very much right now."

You're not a bad mom.........not at all, and if you are, then so are alot of us here. I'm sorry your son is treating you so badly. It's the drugs. I hate drugs.

laketime

I know exactly how you feel and I have felt it many times. My AS is supposedly clean right now, and he called to tell us he was comming in last weekend. He did, we went to dinner and everything was fine. Still though, all those old feelings from incidents like you described and worse came flooding into my mind at the mention of him comming home for a weekend. Its like I can still help him out finacially and be ok with it, but my old warm fuzzy feelings just haven't come back yet. It's more of a dreaded feeling like I wonder what he will do if this or that happens. Its probably a trust issue with me still. I love him but I can't trust him yet. I truly don't know when i will be able to. Your not a bad mom, it's human nature not to want to deal with the chaos. Sorry it happend to you, or any of us parents, it appears to be the nature of the beast.

frankie_b

No you are not a bad mother. I've experienced feeling just as you do when I had had ENOUGH addict abuse, lies and manipulation. Yes, I agree with you that being around an addict plain sucks. It takes strength and honesty to admit when it's time to throw in the towel. And it's life preserving as well. Letting go and detachment arose out of necessity for me. I chose
to live in peace and serenity not chaos and hell. I refused to be
son's target and stepped out of the way.
Some people opt to continue to live with an addict, using recovery skills to cope with the situation and that's okay too.
My bottom line was this. I raised a boy well.
I did a fine job of parenting. He became addicted to drugs and changed completely and I had become emotionally, physically, spiritually ill.

I knew intellectually then and know today the son I loved was hidden inside the addict stranger and his actions were due to addiction. The truth is the addict persona stranger was all I ever heard or saw. He's that way today. Every now and then I'd get a glimpse of the real him but rarely. I reached the limit of what I could live with and let go let God. HP has my son.

greeteachday

I agree with all the above. It always helped me to know that it was the addiction, not the child I raised doing or saying such horrible things. I hope in time he finds his way back and you can see the son you love again. Praying for his GF too that she will reach her bottom and leave the toxic sistuation if only for the benefit of her babies. Hugs

krhea75

Hey lady,
hang in there. it is tough being a mom of an addict. We are the lightning rod that catches all the grief, especially when we stop letting them manipulate us. See it more as a reflection of his deep addiction than of your parenting.
krhea

Wascally Wabbit

ladyjane
My oldest son got in trouble with my youngest stealing out of cars.
The youngest has been in jail two times before for the same offense.
The oldest hadnt been in that big of trouble ever.
They oldest has always been a mamma's boy. Always sweet to me.
Well, he spent 9 months in jail and got out. (Since the youngest doesn't seem to learn after the first time, he will spend 5 years behind bars)

The oldest gets out, and gets a job, and does extremely well. For almost 10 months he is doing so good. He had $5000 saved up for a car. He was well on his way to a good life.. Something happened and he started drugging. He continued until he had spend every single penny. It took less than a month!
I was livid. I had had enough of him and his brother. I bent over backward to help him this time. I had even forfieted sleep in order to pick him up at work at midnight every night.

He became like a wild man. One day, I told him I wanted him out. It had built up to this huge arguement, but I stood my ground and told him that the next morning I would drop hm off any where he wanted to go. I would take him to a shelter or I would take him to a friends. His choice.

Morning came and we all get in the car. Me, my granddaughter and her mother, along with my son.
I was very upset at what was going on.
My son started yelling and screaming at me that he hated me! Then, while stopped at a stop sign, he said, "just let me out here". He turned around and spit in my face.
Can you believe that? Then, he bent the door of the car so that it won't close properly.

He stayed with my ex husband for about a month. Then, my ex got tired of him. Seems both of them were drugging!

The day comes where he has to go to probation. I take him and warn him that he will have to find other shelter for the night.
WHile he was in the probations officers, she took him in right there. He's been in jail since November. He knows he no longer has a home with me.
He has apologized for his behavior, and I have forgiven him. But, I will never allow myself to become so worn out, so tired, so pennyless and so sacrificial for him again.
There is a line that when someone crosses there is no return. He crossed this line.

Even though he is now clean and going to church and doing good where he is, it won;t change the fact that he is 29 years old and I am not a babysitter any more.

I really hate it that he turned out this way and has wasted his life. He has a chance to make it right again but he will have to do it himself.

I feel for you ladyjane. I know how much it hurts.

Louise54

You're not a bad mom, your just a mom. And that's what mom's do. They pray and hope everyday that their child that they raised and loved will come back to them. And we keep trying and trying again. It's just human nature. So, my heart goes out to you and all the moms and dads out there trying to do the right thing. I don't blame you for not wanting the chaos in your life. Enough is enough. Hang in there and pray that someday he'll come around. If not, please take care of yourself.

As I've learned in the last few months, it's time to take care of you.

Ann

Like BigSis said, I too had to learn to love the addict, hate the disease.

You're not a bad mom. And he's not a bad son who needs to be good, he's a sick son who needs to get better. I hope he finds a better path soon.

I too reached the point where I could not allow my son in my home. The drama, the stealing and the disrespect robbed me of my "safe place" and that's no longer acceptable to me. I haven't seen or heard from my son in over 3 years, but even today I would meet with him someplace neutral if he called. I will never put myself or my home in such an upsetting and dangerous situation again.

It's okay to be angry and it's okay not to like the person your son has become. That doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a mother of an addict who has lost a child to the disease.

Hugs

hope213

i too hate the diease. i am sorry for his g.f. & the child she has & baby she is going to have. i am sorry for you too. it was not your son talking but it is so hard to take.you are a good mom & my prayer will be that he can find himself again.