MeggieStar

Oh I feel so confused.

Background:
AH did some really awful things this year culminating in his leaving and then checking into rehab. He's been there just over three months. The program is six months long, voluntary.

After being a stay at home mom for two years, I got a job after he left which paid the mortgage but not much else. My mother has helped me make ends meet. I am a graduate student in education and must do my student teaching this fall. What this means is I must teach for a full semester, meaning I have to quit my job and work for free to obtain my teaching certification.

Now, I can get a job at night, waiting tables or whatever. Chances are it would not pay as much but it would be something. My son is having to go full time to daycare/preschool this year for the first time.

My AH asked me if he could move home this weekend. The thing is, he is asking because he feels I need the help financially (I do!) and that it is his responsibility to support us (it is!). However, he has made some lovely progress this time around and I don't want to get in the way of that either. He has stated that he would have no problem completing the six month program (staying another 3 months) if I didn't want him to come home now.

So really he is not asking me because he wants out of the program, he is asking me because he thinks I need the help! I don't know what to decide! I do need the help, I could work two full time jobs but I am also still in school and I have three year old to think about. Also our son is very attached to his Dad and has been asking for him all the time lately. He is very into making sure Mommy, Daddy and AR are a family and that we say that all the time.

Am I being selfish if I ask him to come home? Who really wants to work 80 hours a week? Not me, that's for sure! However, I swore I would not take the easy way out anymore and I don't want to go back on my promise to myself. AH has a recovery plan in place for after he gets out of rehab. It seems this must come down for me either asking for help or saying I don't need it.

Advice, thoughts? Thanks...

cece1960

Wow Meggie...I guess the easier option would be to hold your breath and have him come home.
But the easier option is not always the best for all involved.
Just a few ideas thoughts to put out there...
Have you checked into public assitance for the time you are finishing up school? Your hubby is unable at this time to work...the system is there for that.

Have you checked with your mortgage company for a hardship forebearance to allow you to defer your payments for just a few months?

Is home equity an option, just to give you time to finish?

Or, does your school have options to increase your students loans to help you through? I work in higher ed and there are sometimes occassions that the fin aid office can raise your "budget" allowing for additional loans.

Can he arrange to work while in rehab to help contribute? Could they help him with avenues available to help support his family? Seems they would have some ideas...while its great that an addict seeks help, leaving a family behind suffering is less than the ideal situation.

It just seems you've come so far, I'd hate to see it all fall down. To me the worse case scenario would be to re-enter the chaos in your final leg of finishing what you've worked so hard for.

Whatever you decide...we're walking with you.
(((Hugs)))
Cece

dixied

meggie,
I just sent you an email and then saw your post. I don't know if this would be helpful but it seems like I saw something on the TODAY show(last week-end) that had a website that specialized in finding jobs for moms that wanted to work out of their home. The website was dedicated specifically for that. Do you have an option to postpone practice teaching till the Spring? Probably not, right?

If you husband came home would he already have a job? Or would he be mainly helping in childcare? Gosh if you are asking I'd really say (IMHO) if he's on the right track let him complete the program. Three months is a good start but six months is even better.

I know it is so hard without any help financially. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I'll try and see if I can remember the name of the website. Sometimes there are jobs posted on a site called www.craigslist.com . My sil found a great one in Atlanta on there. Thinking of you......dixie

Elana

This is a tough situation but not a permanent situation. I would have him stay in recovery for the next three months and tough it out. Not for him, but for me.

If this were for 3 more YEARS I might answer differently.

My $0.02 and remember, advice is worth what you pay.

MeggieStar

Answering some questions:

Financial state aid is an option. The funny thing is, I can't take time off work to go and apply! I am working up until the day before I start student teaching to make as much money as possible. I am not allowed to miss even one day of student teaching or I do not pass. Crazy right?

I do not have loans for school. My Mom and Grandma have paid my tuition including this semester which was almost 7k just for the classes.

I would honestly rather work full full time than fall behind on my mortgage. I do not believe in debt if it can be helped. I've only owned the house two and half years so equity is pretty nil.

There is no putting off student teaching either. I have been busting my a$$ for two years to get through school in record time...putting it off will just be putting off my chance for a higher paying job.

The rehab my AH is at is free which means he works for them to pay his way. The residents are absolutely not allowed to get an outside job unless they have completed the program and then they must pay rent.

If my AH completes this program, it will be the second time. He's already done six months before. That means he has been rehab for ONE FULL YEAR of our four year marriage. What a freaking joke.

I know I am whining, but I am so sick of waiting. I am sick of having to drive down to Detroit so my son can see his Dad, putting miles I don't have on my lease. I am sick of only seeing my husband for ten hours a week. I'm sick of worrying to death over finances! I'm sick of mooching off my Mom when she herself is single and works three jobs.

Plainly, I am sick and tired of this whole situation and it doesn't seem it will be better anytime soon. My attitude stinks right now. I just want my stable clean husband to come home so I can finish what I started with this teaching degree! There are no guarentees, in three months or six months or five years...chaos may always be right around the corner. My stepmom told me to take everyone out of the equation except myself, even my son, and then what would I do?

Truth is, I like living alone. But I still don't know what I would do. I'm just having a really bad day.

splendra

((((Meggie)))

I am with (((Cece))) all the way on this one everything she said. I am sure it all seems over-whelming right now.

One semester is not that long of a time. Yea you might have to do some stuff that makes it harder but, H coming out of rehab to help just does not seem like a good idea besides in 3 months he will be out anyway. He can help when he gets out.

Too I think it will be good for your son to see that sometimes we have to sacrifice when making plans for our life. I was in college when my son was young. I worked full time and went to school full time looking back I don't know how I did it all those years and somehow or another I had time for my son. I was very fortunate to have a job that my son could come to with me. His dad was around too and he did help me when I had exams and other times too.

Keep it simple (((Meggie)))

cece1960

Maybe you could park this for just a day...and re-look at it tomorrow.
You are right...there are never guarantees.

And if you don't finish your schooling you could end up being as good a speller as me **smile**

Seriously Meggie, if you think its best, it is NOT selfish. Nothing you ask for at this point, after all that has transpired is selfish. And trying to better yourself, in order to better your family is not selfish either.

Again, you may want to go the grad student loan route. It has very flexible payback terms, and its worht it. It would allow you your tuition AND living expenses through student teaching. I know that many would like to avoid loans, but these days, its almnost a given. The idea is that your earning power is better post degree, to allow for easier repayment.

Prayers tomorrow's a better day hom
(((Hugs)))
Cece

outonalimb

((((((((Meggie))))))))))))

As you know, my exah's doc is also heroin. We also have a (now 8) year old little boy together. I know what its like to carry the entire load on your shoulders...I know how it feels to hear your child ask about their father...and that ache in your heart that makes you want to 'fix things'. I know all about the single working mom's guilt...I work a full time job...and somedays I just feel so guilty...and so ripped off...that I have to work so freakin' hard to keep my head above water...I understand how completely and totally exhausting it all is sometimes. I get it. I really, really do. Big hugs out to you from one single mom to another... No...you might not be a single mom technically as you and your Ah are still married...but you've been alone in this battle for a long time nonetheless and I know that sometimes it gets so damn overwhelming.

About your question...I've been thinking alot lately and I truly believe that money is a trigger for us just like it is for the addicts in our life. I know that there have been so many times where I gave in on certain boundaries because I just wanted some freakin' help. I wanted someone (my exah, to be exact) to step up and lighten some of the load. My exah is working at a great paying job lately...and I do manage to get some financial help from him now and then (nothing that I can count on, mind you)... But, honestly, Im not sure its worth it. Yes, my exah has a responsibility to help with the expense of raising our son...absolutely he does...but the cost to my serenity is sometimes just too great. Anytime my exah wants to try and do the right thing and send money, it always comes with a price tag...I find myself listening to his latest dilemma or daily crisis in his life...He invariably runs a litte 'short' during the week and asks me for some of his 'contribution' back. It always seems to come with some hidden price tag attached (mostly in the form of my serenity and peace).

I have incurred alot of debt over the last 4 years...trying to dig myself out of the huge financial hole left by my exah's addiction. I'll be paying this debt off for years to come...but...I do know...that I will make it no matter what my exah does in the future. It won't effect me. In my case, I refuse to open the door up again and make myself dependent (financially or otherwise) on an addict (in recovery or not). Too much uncertainty...too much risk...too much potential for chaos and destruction.

No thank you...For me, I'd rather dig my heels in...and do what I've got to do to get past the rough spots. Relying on an addict (who doesn't have some very solid recovery under their belt...) is, for me, a recipe for disaster.

This is just my 2 cents worth. I just know...in *my* case, that money (or any type of 'help' when it comes to raising our son) is a huge trigger. My desperation for help...combined with the sheer exhaustion I feel sometimes at having to carry the load on my own...makes me very susceptible and vunerable. I've made decisions in the past in an effort to make my life easier...and in the end, they only ended up making my situation worse.

Whatever you decide, you know you've got lots of support here. I admire your strength...I know you'll work your way thru this....

Big old hugs from one single mom to another.

dixied

meggie,

this is just another idea (might not be of any use but here goes) you probably have a faculty advisor who supervises your student teaching so go to them and explain your situation about needing the day to apply for any financial help you feel entitled to. The goal of all colleges is to have a high number of graduates and I'd think they'd have to bend over bckwards for someone who is trying as hard as you . If you have a hard time getting in touch with your advisor email her and set up a phone conference. If you don['t have an advisor try the chair of the education dept. for your university. Believe me they have heard problems like this before and you deserve support. All of my thoughts and prayers are with you........dixie

hope213

you know in your heart what u want to do. do what you think is best for your & your son.you are not a selfish person & i am sure you will make the right choice. you give & keep on giving.i understand where u r right now. i am saying a prayer your decision will be the right one for all involved.hugs,

ladyamalthea

Meggie,

I remember student teaching. You'll enjoy it! Make sure you make the most of it... it's the only "preparation" you will ever get, unfortunately. And looking back, I can see why they are so picky about attendance. This one semester is supposed to prepare you for the rest of your life.... kinda a tall order.

I tried to work nights and weekends while student teaching, and guess what... I ended up on antidepressants! Don't do that to yourself.

Not that I think him coming home is the right answer either... if he's going to have a bad day, he needs to have his bad day far enough away from you that it won't affect your student teaching (and trust me, it will). I know that sounds cold, but it's the truth. Him coming home might not be any less stressful than having a second job.

My vote is for financial aid, even if it means taking out loans. It's only for a few months, so if you have to pay it back, it's not like it'll take that long. I owe $16,000 and my monthly payment is about $120.00, but you don't start paying for 6 months after graduating, so you'll be teaching before you have to make your first payment, which means you'll hardly even notice the payment.

Good luck in student teaching... feel free to PM me anytime if you need anything.

*hugs and prayers*

hello-kitty

I am also a single mom, working tons, raising a son, making the house payments, the car payments, the daycare payments etc etc. All on my own. So you have my empathies. It is not easy. It is almost unbearable at times. And congrats on the graduate program. That's so awesome.

Loans are available from Sallie Mae to help you get through the next three months. Daycare programs are available through the university that are free for students (at least at my school there was...) Talk to a guidance counselor at your school and see what advice they offer.

As far as your husbands 6 mos program. I strongly encourage him to finish it. It is his best chance at a life well lived. Leaving rehab early, well it's up to the individual, but really it's not usually a good idea.

In my situation, I let my ex come home. He was full of promises of recovery programs and a good job and being a committed father. Slowly but surely he is turning into a lazy, unfriendly lump on my couch. He complains about his job (its boring). This weekend he got totally wasted and the next day I was picking pieces of brillo out of my carpet which he says got there because he took some paperwork out of an old closet that we don't get into anymore (because he used to keep his drug paraphenalia in there.) He's lazy; leaving dirty dishes in my sink and garbage on the counters.

Having him home made it easier for about 1 week. But now, it's harder and I am going to have to deal with making him leave soon. It's like I now have two children living in MY house. A two year old, and a teenager who might be using drugs again. He was supposed to help, but he's making things worse. At least before he came home, things were bad, but it was all within my control. Now, I have this unpredictable problem on my couch that I have no control over.

Basically, letting him come home increased my stress and my financial situation has not improved either.

Therefore, I encourage you to encourage your husband to stay in rehab if at all possible. When people get out of rehab, there is still a lot of junk they need to deal with in their heads. Best case scenario he deals with that. Worst case scenario he has a relapse. But at least you have 3 more months to figure out what you are going to do if that happens.

Good luck to you.

cinderellawkids

I know how scarey the financial situation of being a single parent and student is. But thinkof this, he's done the program before and it didnt work. Theres no guarantees. My response a year ago would have been if he fails what damamge could he do in 3 months extra time. Today I say, it could be great, or it could be awful really really fast and youll be a mom student teaching and working 2 jobs with an active addict bringing you done. Think it all out fast, he could fall apart faster this time.
I will be married 4 years in December, in that time Ah has spent an accumlation of 340 days in jail 6 months in rehabs , 4 months in an abondoned house ect, and through it all I too still like having him around when he's clean, I still miss the good times but I think if he was in a program Id want him to complete it, for all involved

lightquest

Dear Meggie,

You are asking the right question. There's good advice in these posts.

A few years ago, I was laid off at exactly the wrong time. I had two houses, no car and no savings, no husband....nothing except the ghost of my stable life. Realizing that I am the only one who can take care of me, I took one hour and went to Family Services (I live in Michigan). I laid out the whole thing to the case worker, including everything I was doing to take care of my family. She found me a state grant for $2,000 (a grant!). Then she hooked me up with the Red Cross, Salvation Army and Housing Resources. My situation was a little more dire, as I was looking at foreclosure.

The case worker was kind, caring and soooo helpful. She was thrilled to provide meaningful help to someone who was trying to help themselves.

Even in Michigan, there are a lot of resources available. They're right about higher ed. Some even have financial help programs specifically for moms. I know it seems impossible to find the time, but it could be the very best thing you do. You've been taking care of him for a long time! Let someone else help you this time around.

Hugs to you!

parentrecovers

can he just keep doing what he is doing outside of your home and send you cash every month to meet bills?

Wascally Wabbit

Gosh, tough decision.
If it makes it easier on you, and he's in recovery, and you can live peacefully, then why not? It will buy you more time for studies. If it doesn't work out, then do what every you have to do to maintain your sanity.
Hopefully, he'll come out of rehab a new and better man.

MeggieStar

K...I wish he could. He is not allowed to work outside the rehab. His "grant" is only $13 a week.

Thank you all for your wonderful words. I am reaching peace and hoping that will help me make a decision with confidence. You all are such wonderful people.

Lovestoomuch

I'm getting in here late........and for what it's worth, I agree with what Hope has said.

I think there comes a time in most of our lives where we'll face a certain crossroad and unfortunately due to the circumstances they're just won't be an "ideal" solution on which way to go.

I don't think you're being selfish. i also think you've thought about this and probably even lost some sleep over it.

You're a smart lady and a good mother Meggie. You own some really strong recovery tools to use as you need them. You just do what you need to in order to get through this. I have a feeling if anyone is going to be alright it's you.

abtchonamission

(((((((Meggie))))))))

What feels 'right' to you? You have good instincts, I think sometimes you don't trust yourself enough not to second guess yourself.

greeteachday

((((((Meggie)))))
You're in a tough situation and there sure is no "right" answer here. I did my student teaching while supporting myself waitressing nights. I remember sleeping on the floor and setting 3 or 4 alrams clocks I had to get up to turn off, just to make sure I didn't oversleep. And I didn't have a child yet. I ended up with pneumonia and had to spend winter break making up the time I missed teaching....yuck. So, I can certainly see where working a free job and working a paying job while raising a child seems more than one should attempt...for all of you.

I know projecting isn't the way to go, but perhaps considering the worse case scenario and deciding if you can live with that for each option may help in your decision. And definitely take your time. Whatever you decide, you are NOT selfish...you are a great person and a wonderful mom...and soon to be an awesome teacher! Hugs.