aloneandinsane

so i will have one month clean and sober on august 21st and i am really proud of myself, i guess i just dont get why it is so hard. i am only 18, i am not supposed to be an addict and alcoholic, but the reality of it is, i am. so now i have to deal and i dont know how. i have gotten so much crap for going to outpatien treatment willingly and wanting to get better. i am the trator to them and i have felt their wrath both emotionally and physically. it hurts a lot, i just wish they would let me go. i have to quit drinking and using because i should have been dead from it now, but i got lucky and i do not want to try my luck anymre. it is so hard to get myself to go to AA because people have been clean and sober for years there and that at first made me feel really small like i was a waste of time, i started going 6 days into it all. now i am starting to see how supportive everyone is and they care about me sooooo much. i guess my problem is that i get to feeling really suicidal at times when i want to use but dont. i self harm and am very bulimic. it was the way i replaced the other addictiong and now i know i have to fix that i messed up so much. i was 5 and a half months pregnant and i got so high and drunk that i killed my baby. i am a monster. i have to live with that every day, but i will not let that pain be my next excuse to use or drink...i dont know, i have heard that it s going to be hard because of my age, and the other factors of how i used and what i did to get it. i guess i feel alone and very confused, i need help...what now?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

You are not a monster. You are someone with an addiction who is working very hard to get well.

I assume that it is your friends who have you given you a hard time for decidiing to stop drinking? I think there are many hard decisions to make when you stop drinking and one of those choices would be who to spend time with.

Have you talked to your dr about your depression? It could be that your depression will lift as your sobriety continues, or, as in my case, maybe the depression came first and needs treatment.

I think it's common to substitute one addiction for another and that's why it takes many changes in one's life, along with stopping drinking.

You are most definitely not alone and I am so glad you found us. Take a look around and I hope you feel at home.

Dee74

Keep sober and keep going to AA...you've got the basis of a good recovery there and you seem to have the right attitude. Alcohol solves *nothing*

I'm not an AAer but it seems clear to me from others' stories here you'll find you feel better about yourself the longer you're sober and the more you work your steps. As hard as it is, we can't change the past - just work on today.

Get some help with the self harm and bulimia. Like Anna says see a Dr about those and yr depression. There are other forums here and definitely other people here too who can and will help.

And this place is really good for not feeling alone
welcome to ya
D

CarolD

Hi and Welcome to SR!

Yes...I do use AA for my recovery.
When I finished my 4h and 5th Steps
I could forgive myself for my drinking past.

This can happen for you too....share
your concerns with your sponsor.
If you haven't one...ask in a meeting for one.

I do hope you will continue to go so you
too will find a healthy future.

Way To Go on your sober and clean time!

Missymae737

Hello and welcome to SR,

Recovery is possible, keep posting, we are glad you found us...

Aysha

Hi alone..Glad you are here.
Let me tell you..None of us were suppose to be addicts. I know I wasnt and mine all started hardcore at your age. I wish I had the will and knowledge you do when I was there.
That to me is very admirable. I have nothing but respect for you for doing what you are to recover at such a young age when all it's suppoise to be about is getting messed up.
Mad respect for being aware enough to do something about it so young.
Congratsd on your 30 days. Keep going. Because it only gets harder and worse the older you get.
I am thinking of you.

yourgirl

Dear alone and insane I wish I could reach out and hold you and tell you you'll be okay. You sound so fragile and yet you are really so strong. You had consequences so far beyond what something so young should have that God must have known you could handle it. Im sure you have every reason to live starting with helping people like me here at this place telling your story. Please dont go anywhere stay here and keep working things out .You must not know how much GOD loves you.

Rowan

I'm glad you are here with us - you are no longer alone, and you can continue to recover. Have faith.

leeside

Hi and welcome,

Congrats on one month sober! You have chosen a much better path to take and I hope you stay on it. If you can stay away from that stuff that threatens your life and sanity it will make it much easier.

scaredykat

Hi Alone, welcome and congrats on 30 days. You got a lot of good advice here. This is a very good and caring forum. Keep reading and posting on here.

Barb

Jersey Nonny

What now, you ask? Just keep on keepin' on...and look forward to a long and sober life! We are here for you...the AA's are here for you...and, most of all, your Higher Power is here for you! Believe me, it will get easier...just one day at a time.