A Revelation About Myself
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
A Revelation About Myself
Well...the end result...tonight after her being drunk and me not fighting back.....so-so. I listened to her make silly accusations about her brother until I finally had to defend him. Once I did, she got angry...stormed off and went to bed, slamming the door. I'm sure right now she's in there stewing, wanting me to come in there so that she can start a big fight. That's how it always goes.
The good news? I'm starting to do things for me that I like to do. It's a tough step. But twice in the last week I did "me things" on nights that she worked late or went out with friends....giving up that "imaginary control" that I have over her drinking is hard. It's hard to just say "the hell with it" and let it go. But I'[ve come to realize that honestly, what is there in this relationship that is worth worrying about anyway?
What's really funny is the 10th degree of questioning I get when I get home AFTER she does. She realizes during those times that she is the one actually losing control of ME, not vice versa. Honestly, I think she WANTS me to act controlling most of the time because it gives her something to stay on my ass about.
I'll admit it. I'm co-dependent. I think looking back I probably have been to some extent in every single relationship that I've ever had with women. All of my relationships have been over a year or longer, most 3-4 years and a ten year marriage in there as well. Exclusive has meant exclusive, to the point that it's been unhealthy being around someone so much ALL the time.
My relationship before this one with AW was a battle between two co-dependent people...me and the girlfriend. We both had major issues with it which looking back I can see ultimately led to the demise of the relationship.
I didn't used to be this way...or at least this bad. Time was I actually could trust other people and had normal,or at least mostly normal relationships with little worry and little need for taking control or feeling controlled. One single relationship changed that and I became nearly obsessive out of lack of trust. Since then, it's followed me everywhere into every relationship.
The answer to what is left in the relationship is the kids we share. Otherwise, there isn't anything there. When we are together and she is sober, we have little to say to each other. When we are together and she is drinking, she's all about her friends and we have little to say to each other. In some strange way, it's just easier to not be around her.
Her physical symptoms are getting worse too. Her consumption is increasing as well. As stated in the previous post, I'm about to the point I can't stand her. I can't get out til at least the first of the year...so it's going to be a long four and a half months until then. I'm by no means religious..but I hope that God, whomever or whatever he, she or it is, will give me some help in maintaining some sense of sanity. I just want to run far far away....as far away from this as I can get....and start all over with my life. Alas, the kids make that impossible.....and I do love my kids more than anything.....but man am I wrong for wanting that?
The good news? I'm starting to do things for me that I like to do. It's a tough step. But twice in the last week I did "me things" on nights that she worked late or went out with friends....giving up that "imaginary control" that I have over her drinking is hard. It's hard to just say "the hell with it" and let it go. But I'[ve come to realize that honestly, what is there in this relationship that is worth worrying about anyway?
What's really funny is the 10th degree of questioning I get when I get home AFTER she does. She realizes during those times that she is the one actually losing control of ME, not vice versa. Honestly, I think she WANTS me to act controlling most of the time because it gives her something to stay on my ass about.
I'll admit it. I'm co-dependent. I think looking back I probably have been to some extent in every single relationship that I've ever had with women. All of my relationships have been over a year or longer, most 3-4 years and a ten year marriage in there as well. Exclusive has meant exclusive, to the point that it's been unhealthy being around someone so much ALL the time.
My relationship before this one with AW was a battle between two co-dependent people...me and the girlfriend. We both had major issues with it which looking back I can see ultimately led to the demise of the relationship.
I didn't used to be this way...or at least this bad. Time was I actually could trust other people and had normal,or at least mostly normal relationships with little worry and little need for taking control or feeling controlled. One single relationship changed that and I became nearly obsessive out of lack of trust. Since then, it's followed me everywhere into every relationship.
The answer to what is left in the relationship is the kids we share. Otherwise, there isn't anything there. When we are together and she is sober, we have little to say to each other. When we are together and she is drinking, she's all about her friends and we have little to say to each other. In some strange way, it's just easier to not be around her.
Her physical symptoms are getting worse too. Her consumption is increasing as well. As stated in the previous post, I'm about to the point I can't stand her. I can't get out til at least the first of the year...so it's going to be a long four and a half months until then. I'm by no means religious..but I hope that God, whomever or whatever he, she or it is, will give me some help in maintaining some sense of sanity. I just want to run far far away....as far away from this as I can get....and start all over with my life. Alas, the kids make that impossible.....and I do love my kids more than anything.....but man am I wrong for wanting that?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
In some strange way, it's just easier to not be around her.
I know that feeling. At least when I'm alone I can fill my time meeting my own needs. You're so fortunate to at least have the kids.
Do something nice for yourself today. Like maybe listen to your fav CD. It helps because it seems our needs are never met with an A. And don't forget about detachment. Spend the time you have left in the situation on your recovery.
I know that feeling. At least when I'm alone I can fill my time meeting my own needs. You're so fortunate to at least have the kids.
Do something nice for yourself today. Like maybe listen to your fav CD. It helps because it seems our needs are never met with an A. And don't forget about detachment. Spend the time you have left in the situation on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
Your not wrong AskingWhy. When my rah was out drinking, I used to lie awake and pray he'd find some old gal to go home with. I didn't care. It was preferable to him coming home and waking me up for one of his famous lectures.
You do reach a point when there's nothing left to say. It takes two people to make a marriage, and if only one is working on it, it's doomed.
Btw, he never did find that old gal and he's been sober 10 yrs. Were best friends now. He often tells people that we get along better now than we ever did. That wouldn't be the case if he were still drinking.
___________________
Trish
You do reach a point when there's nothing left to say. It takes two people to make a marriage, and if only one is working on it, it's doomed.
Btw, he never did find that old gal and he's been sober 10 yrs. Were best friends now. He often tells people that we get along better now than we ever did. That wouldn't be the case if he were still drinking.
___________________
Trish
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
You are not wrong for feeling any emotion. You wouldn't act on it because of your kids and that's what counts. Try not to run but go through it to get out on the other side. Really spend time working on your recovery for the next few months until you can go. It will make the time go by faster if you are busy and not focusing on her and her issues. Congratulations on your success with standing your ground and not fighting with her. And I agree with your assessment of the situation. She doesn't like that you are having control over yourself. She can't bait you into an argument so you can say mean things back and she will feel justified and less guilty for what she's done. Good job. I've found with my abf, that it's actually getting a bit worse lately because I won't engage in arguments. It's making him feel that much more out of control. And I don't care. I like that I can control myself better than I used to. Hope you felt the same way.
Jenny
Jenny
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