I must be nuts - what is wrong with me?

Old 08-20-2007, 06:14 AM
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I must be nuts - what is wrong with me?

So it's been almost a month since I made him move out. He's living at his sisters about 10 minutes away. It is going to take me months to fix the financial mess he left me in when he fell off the wagon a month ago. He thinks I believe it was a weekend slip and he went back to staying sober. How naive. I can read his lies about alcohol like a book. In fact, this time instead of his usual few times a year weekend "slips", he continued to drink throughout his entire holidays from work, till the money ran out and he had to go back to work. I didn't bother calling him on it, why? It wouldn't serve any purpose. It certainly wouldn't make him stop.
Anyhow, since he went back to work and reality kicked in that I truly had switched all utilities to my name etc, that I wasn't letting him back in, he's gone through some rapid stages. First stage was the well screw you stage, who needs ya. The next stage was I want to spend time with you but live seperate lives. Meaning see me when he's sober and lonely and go drinking when he wants without comment. Then kicked in the current state of mind that this is still his home and he is going to make things better for himself and work on fixing things between us over time so eventually he could come back home.
So .... this is where I'm nuts, where I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to believe him. Because sober he values me and my children and our home. Because when he wasn't falling off his proverbial wagon, we shared a wonderful life together. So I might have, probably did, mess up. I spent some time with him. He knows he is not going to come here to the house. I just can't bring myself to let him in that door. I don't want him here. I'm trying to reclaim my home as my own. I dont' trust myself to let him in the door and then see him walk back out again. I know myself too well and I bet I'd be some loser begging him to stay.
But I did screw up. Spent time with him. The better part of the weekend actually. Spent Fri night at his sisters house as her and her hubby and kids were out of town. I came home early Sat as he was working overtime Sat a.m. Landed back there when he finished work and came home Sunday morning. We fell into old patterns. Sharing meals, laughing, cuddling, watching movies, etc. It felt so normal and natural and almost as if all this stuff hasn't gone on. Then I headed home Sunday morning and I thought to myself, what have I done. Last night he called and said he was so lonely after having had me with him for 2 days and having to be without me again. I know he means that, at that moment. I also know that he is capable of going very long periods of time without drinking and appearing as though he is going to make it sober long term. But then he goes off, and does it again. So what am I thinking?
I did the strong woman thing, I stood up for myself and my life and said no more. Had him move out. I'm adapting to living alone again and parts of me really enjoys it. Of course the part that loves him is lonely as all get out.
But I know that I shouldn't have spent that time with him. It will cause him to think he is going to just continue to mess up my life with his drinking and I'll continue to be beside him. It will break my heart all over again when he drinks again. And he will drink again. He is doing nothing to get help for his issues.
Anyhow else nuts too? Done this? I don't want to hate myself for this, but I'm certainly kicking myself. Especially because I enjoyed our weekend so much.
I can't control him but I should be able to control myself. I need someone to kick me in the butt, but truthfully even with that, I'd have went this weekend.
*sigh* This stinks.
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Old 08-20-2007, 06:48 AM
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confused....I know it can be so hard. I am still with AH, but left him once before for over a year...let him back in, and now...here we are again. Keep your life separate the best you can. I relate in so may ways. They are sort of like a comfortable old shoe...it just feels good when you see that sober person again and the comfortableness is there for a little while. But that is just it...it is usually just for a little while! Just do the best you can to keep taking care of yourself and don't look back. Keep looking forward. Maybe yours will be a success story and maybe it won't. Just keep being strong...in my case, my AH will be like that in the hopes that I will "forget" what he has done to make this big mess. Just take each day as it comes.
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Old 08-20-2007, 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted by confusedgf
Of course the part that loves him is lonely as all get out.
Excuse me but this just kinda stands out to me. My question is are you sure it is love and not something else? It sounds more like longing than loving to me. I have found that love lifts me up and longing is just depressing as hell....

Take good care sweetie. You have your kids and your home that is a lot!! I know I have waited and longed for something that looks like love from people and allowed myself to fall in deep depressions over it. My expectations can get me into lots of trouble especially if I am expecting something from someone who has addiction issues...
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Old 08-20-2007, 07:11 AM
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let it grow!
 
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i went back a million times. it never changed a thing. blessings, k
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:13 AM
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Confused (()) I can so put myself in your shoes, my xab is ringing asking for another chance, asking to see me, and it is so hard to say no!! I had a bad weekend and so so nearly went to him. Im glad now that i didnt, reading your post. My xab is sober at the moment not because he wants to be, he's broke!!! He will get money on Thurday and will be on the razz for the following 3 days, till his money runs out. Confused we get stronger with the mistakes we make, and we learn from them.

Im feeling a bit bored and lonley and i miss him to bits, but it's not enough to go back, and i just hope that i dont have a weak moment. Thank you for sharing this post with us, we learn from each other also.

Take care

Mair xxxx
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:53 PM
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You have to decide just how many times you want to take a chance on getting hurt all over again. You say you konw he'll start drinking again and that he is doing nothing to really deal with his issues. So, what are you going to do to deal with your issues? What do you want to happen in your life?

Splendra's comment about are you sure its love struck me too. Could it be habitual thinking to some degree? Are you in love with the fantasy man that doesn't really exist? Are you afraid to be alone with out a love relationship?

I discovered myself that I no longer loved my AH, that I was in love with a fantasy man who never really existed. That realization made it a bit easier to deal with all the emotions that went along with leaving him.
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Old 08-20-2007, 04:04 PM
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hang in there....you already know what you have to do. and Splendra - thank you, thank you, thank you for your comments about love and longing....wow....have to think some more about that....very interesting...
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Old 08-20-2007, 04:57 PM
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If he can stay sober and work his PROGRAM for a year, then he is making a change.
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Old 08-20-2007, 05:53 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this hard time Confused. Splendra you are soooo right, you hit the nail on the head for me too with the loving/longing. It's so true, i don't love my exab, i long for the person he is NOT and never will be. Barbara, what you said about the fantasy, i can so related, i've created this recovered wonderful man and it's been 2 months and he's "the old bum again". Confused i don't think they change unless 150% is put into it. My ex claimed he was fine and recovered and didn't want to drink......not true. Stay strong, everyone in here is so wonderful
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Old 08-20-2007, 05:57 PM
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I have to agree with Mr C, give it a year, at least. I know it seems like such a long time, but, in the over all spectrum of life, it is just a blink of an eyelid.

Try and work your recovery, one from codependancy, one that is just as baffling as addiction.
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Old 08-20-2007, 06:28 PM
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Confused, I thought I was nuts right along with you because I feel the same way you do. But then I read Splendra's post and agreed: I long for my ABF, but I don't love him. I am in love with the fantasy man who is my ABF about 5% of the time. Out of that time he is caring, loving, devoted to me, wants a future with me. You know, the 5% of the time fantasy man who reeled me in. But 95% of the time he's lying, cheating, demented, living in a pit, doesn't wash, drinks day and night, berates me, is impotent ... man, there is nothing pretty about that picture.
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Old 08-20-2007, 07:16 PM
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That's why we call it a roller coaster.
Every alcoholic I have ever known, only one has stayed sober for life and that's my mother. The rest went down the road to dispair and poverty.
My last husband was addicted to drugs. Pretty much the same story. He drug me into financial trouble big time. Getting my self out of his financial mess has been a huge burden and a tremendous source of grief.
I just don't need that crap any more. I have my own life and my own future to think of and I don't want to live it in fear and anxiety.

You will do exactly what you need to do and want to do when the time comes. If yo see him, then you see him. You shouldn't kick your self for it.
Just set up some boundaries. Say to yourself, "I will only go this far and no farther" then stick to it. This is how we protect ourself from all angles of harm.
Good luck to you dear.
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