Hello again after a long time!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Hello again after a long time!
I’ve been a member on here for a long time. I stopped posting last April because following a long and painful attempt at divorce I had my husband back after three days of him leaving the home. I felt ashamed and useless and a failure.
Now I am divorcing him again and am in so much emotional pain I don't know what to do with myself.
I started seeing a therapist in May 2003 as I was very unhappy with my marriage to my husband. The aim of the therapy was to enable me to find the self confidence to leave him.
I filed for divorce in January 2006, over a year after I first saw a solicitor and after nearly 3 years in therapy.. Christmas 2005 was absolutely horrendous, I ended up having two weeks off work, as I had a mini breakdown and I just couldn’t put either myself or my children through anymore of his abusive alcoholic behavior.
He finally left at Easter 2006 following three months of total hell. Within 4 days I asked him to come back – I panicked and just couldn’t cope. He never once apologized for his behavior and made no attempt to give up drinking.
Within a few days I knew I’d made a huge mistake – to start with all his belongings were back in our house by lunchtime after the night I asked him back.
We were advised to seek marriage guidance counseling and he was advised to seek help with his drinking.
Marriage guidance counseling was a joke – he told the counselor it was for men who wanted to make their wives feel better and he thought it was a whole load of rubbish. He gave non stop smart responses each and every time we went and was plain rude to the counselor. Eventually we stopped going. He continued to drink and within weeks of returning home was back to his verbally and emotionally abusive self.
In August 2006 I started seeing the marriage counselor, we had seen together, on my own – she told me she felt he had a personality disorder as well as an alcohol problem and that I needed to act in the interests of my children. I also started seeing yet another counselor – a hypnotist – thinking that he could hypnotize me into having the courage to divorce my husband.
November 2006, my husband stopped drinking for five weeks following a visit to the Dr where he was told he had an alcohol dependency problem. Blood tests showed he had damaged his liver
Just before Christmas he started drinking again and lost control completely.
My youngest son has autistic tendency and was very depressed and isolated – I took him to my GP and he was referred to a family therapist. We all attended the first meeting and my husband sat, arms crossed denying there was a problem with anything. We discussed his drinking - he denied he had a problem and afterwards said the therapist could see straight through my priming my youngest son to hate him. My eldest son has a serious weight problem which I am also concerned about.
I reapplied for divorce in January this year. Following the nightmare we had all endured the previous year my solicitor advised I apply for a non-molestation and occupancy order – this means excluding someone from the marital home and preventing them from verbally or physically abusing you.
The family therapist who is an expert of Child and Adolescent Mental Health advised the court that my husband was verbally and emotionally abusing both me and my sons and she was concerned for their welfare as our home life was unbearable for my youngest son. In a letter, which broke my heart, she stated that my husband was highly verbally abusive and that my sons were depressed and very vulnerable.
My husband left by order of the court in April this year.
What I want to know is why I am still so hurt by his actions and lack of care?
I have had experts tell me that he is an abusive alcoholic, that he has damaged emotionally, both me and my children, yet I am devastated that he has made no effort to reform or seek help. For the first few weeks after he left he stopped drinking and was very upset about our break up. I visited him, talked to him and tried my best to help.
He has resumed drinking and now has cut us out of his life only seeing his sons for a few hours every few weeks. He answers any phone messages, texts or emails I send him venomously and when I speak to him on the phone he is so hostile and angry he reduces me to tears.
Why does it hurt? Why can’t I celebrate our getting away? Both of my sons are so much happier – the youngest no longer has counseling and there is no shouting or swearing or walking on egg shells in our house.
Today I have been extra upset – crying and very down. He is on holiday for a week soon and won’t tell me where he is going or leave any emergency details other than his mobile number. Last week he was away and I had no idea where he was, neither did my sons.
We have sold our house and I have a new house to move to and a new life ahead of me – why can’t I be happy and after all the therapy I have had why does it still hurt so much I want to die?
Now I am divorcing him again and am in so much emotional pain I don't know what to do with myself.
I started seeing a therapist in May 2003 as I was very unhappy with my marriage to my husband. The aim of the therapy was to enable me to find the self confidence to leave him.
I filed for divorce in January 2006, over a year after I first saw a solicitor and after nearly 3 years in therapy.. Christmas 2005 was absolutely horrendous, I ended up having two weeks off work, as I had a mini breakdown and I just couldn’t put either myself or my children through anymore of his abusive alcoholic behavior.
He finally left at Easter 2006 following three months of total hell. Within 4 days I asked him to come back – I panicked and just couldn’t cope. He never once apologized for his behavior and made no attempt to give up drinking.
Within a few days I knew I’d made a huge mistake – to start with all his belongings were back in our house by lunchtime after the night I asked him back.
We were advised to seek marriage guidance counseling and he was advised to seek help with his drinking.
Marriage guidance counseling was a joke – he told the counselor it was for men who wanted to make their wives feel better and he thought it was a whole load of rubbish. He gave non stop smart responses each and every time we went and was plain rude to the counselor. Eventually we stopped going. He continued to drink and within weeks of returning home was back to his verbally and emotionally abusive self.
In August 2006 I started seeing the marriage counselor, we had seen together, on my own – she told me she felt he had a personality disorder as well as an alcohol problem and that I needed to act in the interests of my children. I also started seeing yet another counselor – a hypnotist – thinking that he could hypnotize me into having the courage to divorce my husband.
November 2006, my husband stopped drinking for five weeks following a visit to the Dr where he was told he had an alcohol dependency problem. Blood tests showed he had damaged his liver
Just before Christmas he started drinking again and lost control completely.
My youngest son has autistic tendency and was very depressed and isolated – I took him to my GP and he was referred to a family therapist. We all attended the first meeting and my husband sat, arms crossed denying there was a problem with anything. We discussed his drinking - he denied he had a problem and afterwards said the therapist could see straight through my priming my youngest son to hate him. My eldest son has a serious weight problem which I am also concerned about.
I reapplied for divorce in January this year. Following the nightmare we had all endured the previous year my solicitor advised I apply for a non-molestation and occupancy order – this means excluding someone from the marital home and preventing them from verbally or physically abusing you.
The family therapist who is an expert of Child and Adolescent Mental Health advised the court that my husband was verbally and emotionally abusing both me and my sons and she was concerned for their welfare as our home life was unbearable for my youngest son. In a letter, which broke my heart, she stated that my husband was highly verbally abusive and that my sons were depressed and very vulnerable.
My husband left by order of the court in April this year.
What I want to know is why I am still so hurt by his actions and lack of care?
I have had experts tell me that he is an abusive alcoholic, that he has damaged emotionally, both me and my children, yet I am devastated that he has made no effort to reform or seek help. For the first few weeks after he left he stopped drinking and was very upset about our break up. I visited him, talked to him and tried my best to help.
He has resumed drinking and now has cut us out of his life only seeing his sons for a few hours every few weeks. He answers any phone messages, texts or emails I send him venomously and when I speak to him on the phone he is so hostile and angry he reduces me to tears.
Why does it hurt? Why can’t I celebrate our getting away? Both of my sons are so much happier – the youngest no longer has counseling and there is no shouting or swearing or walking on egg shells in our house.
Today I have been extra upset – crying and very down. He is on holiday for a week soon and won’t tell me where he is going or leave any emergency details other than his mobile number. Last week he was away and I had no idea where he was, neither did my sons.
We have sold our house and I have a new house to move to and a new life ahead of me – why can’t I be happy and after all the therapy I have had why does it still hurt so much I want to die?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Perhaps your priorities are a little scrambled right now. If you can focus on your children and your new opportunity for happiness, it may help.
He has moved on, it may be time for you to do the same. He will never be the father or husband you want him to be, unless he gives up his addiction, for life, and even then there will be problems. His brain is altered, that just is a fact.
You have his mobile number that's all you need, it is no longer your business where he is, or what he is doing.
I am sorry you are still in pain, you hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, he doesn't, never has.
My Best,
He has moved on, it may be time for you to do the same. He will never be the father or husband you want him to be, unless he gives up his addiction, for life, and even then there will be problems. His brain is altered, that just is a fact.
You have his mobile number that's all you need, it is no longer your business where he is, or what he is doing.
I am sorry you are still in pain, you hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, he doesn't, never has.
My Best,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Loopylou 
Both of my sons are so much happier – the youngest no longer has counseling and there is no shouting or swearing or walking on egg shells in our house.
Keep posting - I truly believe you will start to see life get better every day.
((()))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thanks Dollydo
I know that he is never going to be the father / husband I want him to be and I need to let go of hope.
I also know that I am a codie - I have a self-help library!! The marriage guidance therapist we saw feels my husband has a narcissistic personality disorder - which means he has no ability to empathize, is arrogant, feels he deserves to be treated as a king, believes he is special, takes advantage of others etc... in some ways this is indistinguishable from alcoholism (which he most definitely has).
I know he has moved on - he is out and about all the time - makes no effort to contact my sons during the week and is unavailable most weekends. They seem to accept this as par for the course. Meanwhile I hurt for them and for me, if I'm honest - I just wish he cared.
I know he has personality problems. I also know if he rang me at 3am drunk, in tears, I would go there and listen and sit with him - I wouldn't change my decision but I would be there for him. That sense of emotional commitment is there for all my close friends and family and he is able to offer that support to his drinking buddies but not to me or my sons. When we first split I did go to his flat, meet him for a meal, take him round painkillers when he had toothache, talk to him on the phone when he was down and generally just try to support him as best I could under the circumstances - we have been together 20 years.
What I can't accept is that he has no feelings for me like that - he has reduced me to tears on the phone to the point that I avoided all spoken contact with him for 4 weeks. The minute I speak to him again, he does it again. It is like being slapped - hard in the face.
He has written has defined all email from our ISP address to his work email as junk so we can't contact him there. When I have sent him emails at his home he just sends me a sentence back saying he has deleted without reading.
I want to scream and slap myself - I have to hold it together and get on with it for my sons (who are 13 and 15) but I am finding this so hard.
I don't want him back as I know things won't change and that we will continue to have a hellish life if he does come back - that is my sensible self.. deep inside and the bit that feels sick all the time and makes me cry on bad days.. I want him to want to be with me and my sons and to stop drinking and reject his drink buddies like he has us.
I know this is madness... I wish I could stop feeling like this, he doesn't care about us. If I asked him back he wouldn't come - at the age of 48 he wants to be the single, drunk, good time guy. He earns a lot of money and is trying to claim that he can't afford to pay me much - that is another wound altogether.
I wouldn't wish being a codie on anyone.
I know that he is never going to be the father / husband I want him to be and I need to let go of hope.
I also know that I am a codie - I have a self-help library!! The marriage guidance therapist we saw feels my husband has a narcissistic personality disorder - which means he has no ability to empathize, is arrogant, feels he deserves to be treated as a king, believes he is special, takes advantage of others etc... in some ways this is indistinguishable from alcoholism (which he most definitely has).
I know he has moved on - he is out and about all the time - makes no effort to contact my sons during the week and is unavailable most weekends. They seem to accept this as par for the course. Meanwhile I hurt for them and for me, if I'm honest - I just wish he cared.
I know he has personality problems. I also know if he rang me at 3am drunk, in tears, I would go there and listen and sit with him - I wouldn't change my decision but I would be there for him. That sense of emotional commitment is there for all my close friends and family and he is able to offer that support to his drinking buddies but not to me or my sons. When we first split I did go to his flat, meet him for a meal, take him round painkillers when he had toothache, talk to him on the phone when he was down and generally just try to support him as best I could under the circumstances - we have been together 20 years.
What I can't accept is that he has no feelings for me like that - he has reduced me to tears on the phone to the point that I avoided all spoken contact with him for 4 weeks. The minute I speak to him again, he does it again. It is like being slapped - hard in the face.
He has written has defined all email from our ISP address to his work email as junk so we can't contact him there. When I have sent him emails at his home he just sends me a sentence back saying he has deleted without reading.
I want to scream and slap myself - I have to hold it together and get on with it for my sons (who are 13 and 15) but I am finding this so hard.
I don't want him back as I know things won't change and that we will continue to have a hellish life if he does come back - that is my sensible self.. deep inside and the bit that feels sick all the time and makes me cry on bad days.. I want him to want to be with me and my sons and to stop drinking and reject his drink buddies like he has us.
I know this is madness... I wish I could stop feeling like this, he doesn't care about us. If I asked him back he wouldn't come - at the age of 48 he wants to be the single, drunk, good time guy. He earns a lot of money and is trying to claim that he can't afford to pay me much - that is another wound altogether.
I wouldn't wish being a codie on anyone.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Loopy,
I sure couldn't agree more, being a codie sucks.
After I divorced my last hubby, although he was retired, he only would accept contact from me 9am-5pm, as those were his office hours...what office? Well, ok, I just cut off all contact. He called me one day and said "Why haven't I heard from you?", guess what he called me at 7 pm, I said "Sorry, can't talk now, my office hours are 9am to 5 pm."
That ended that crap, it was all a game, one of control.
My point is, just let him sit in his own misery, no contact, he has your number if he wants to contact you.
Don't be so upset about the fact he has no feeling about you now, the truth is, he hasn't had any feeling about you long before you filed for divorce. This marriage was over long before you actually filed.
I know you are hurt, but, you must get a grip on yourself, unless you do, he holds all the power...that should not be an option.
There is a big wide wonderful world out there, explore it!
Sending a big hug your way.
I sure couldn't agree more, being a codie sucks.
After I divorced my last hubby, although he was retired, he only would accept contact from me 9am-5pm, as those were his office hours...what office? Well, ok, I just cut off all contact. He called me one day and said "Why haven't I heard from you?", guess what he called me at 7 pm, I said "Sorry, can't talk now, my office hours are 9am to 5 pm."
That ended that crap, it was all a game, one of control.
My point is, just let him sit in his own misery, no contact, he has your number if he wants to contact you.
Don't be so upset about the fact he has no feeling about you now, the truth is, he hasn't had any feeling about you long before you filed for divorce. This marriage was over long before you actually filed.
I know you are hurt, but, you must get a grip on yourself, unless you do, he holds all the power...that should not be an option.
There is a big wide wonderful world out there, explore it!
Sending a big hug your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thanks Denny
Today has been particularly difficult. I saw a mortgage adviser and arranged my mortgage for buying my new house - a positive event and I was happy and in a positive mood.
After that, I had to deal with transferring direct debits and dealing with payments my husband is refusing to cover, which meant I had to speak to him. His manner and tone when speaking to me is horrible - he speaks to me like I am something he has trodden in. When I ask him not to speak to me rudely he tells me I am divorcing him - what do I expect? He also makes me scared about money as he claims he won't pay me more than the minimum - even though I know payments are the decision of the court we are attending at the end of the month and, that as he earns a lot more than I do, he will be paying me maintenance, as well as for my sons.
So.. from happy to sad.. I was in tears and couldn't stop most of the afternoon - I want to slap myself.
I need to hold it together for my sons - their father couldn't care less and has let them down and they don't need a sobbing, depressed mum on top of that.
I am on anti Ds and have been for the last couple years, but at the moment they are not helping - my depression is reactionary - I am dreading the court case at the end of this month - where I think I will just sit there and cry all the way through.
I have no-one except for my therapist that I can talk to, my mother is an a too, and although I have friends that listen they don't really understand as they haven't been there.. they can't see why I'm not happy he has gone. I went to one al-anon meeting and felt that the people there were putting up with worse than I was and were probably more miserable .. they were me years down the line. Same old ... What do I do? What can I do? Why me? Why doesn't he care? This is his last chance type stuff... along with parents who were penniless from spending on rehab and worn out, still trying to detach, elderly wives, parents who could have led a better life if they had left/detached years before.
So.. where does that leave me.. I only wish I knew?
I am mother/father and grandparents to my sons and try very hard to keep it together .. on the whole I think I do OK...
Onwards and upwards.....!
Today has been particularly difficult. I saw a mortgage adviser and arranged my mortgage for buying my new house - a positive event and I was happy and in a positive mood.
After that, I had to deal with transferring direct debits and dealing with payments my husband is refusing to cover, which meant I had to speak to him. His manner and tone when speaking to me is horrible - he speaks to me like I am something he has trodden in. When I ask him not to speak to me rudely he tells me I am divorcing him - what do I expect? He also makes me scared about money as he claims he won't pay me more than the minimum - even though I know payments are the decision of the court we are attending at the end of the month and, that as he earns a lot more than I do, he will be paying me maintenance, as well as for my sons.
So.. from happy to sad.. I was in tears and couldn't stop most of the afternoon - I want to slap myself.
I need to hold it together for my sons - their father couldn't care less and has let them down and they don't need a sobbing, depressed mum on top of that.
I am on anti Ds and have been for the last couple years, but at the moment they are not helping - my depression is reactionary - I am dreading the court case at the end of this month - where I think I will just sit there and cry all the way through.
I have no-one except for my therapist that I can talk to, my mother is an a too, and although I have friends that listen they don't really understand as they haven't been there.. they can't see why I'm not happy he has gone. I went to one al-anon meeting and felt that the people there were putting up with worse than I was and were probably more miserable .. they were me years down the line. Same old ... What do I do? What can I do? Why me? Why doesn't he care? This is his last chance type stuff... along with parents who were penniless from spending on rehab and worn out, still trying to detach, elderly wives, parents who could have led a better life if they had left/detached years before.
So.. where does that leave me.. I only wish I knew?
I am mother/father and grandparents to my sons and try very hard to keep it together .. on the whole I think I do OK...
Onwards and upwards.....!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Dollydo
I'm trying to get a grip - trust me! In fact I was the one in the marriage that arranged,sorted and organized everything. I know, I know, I know all that stuff about control.. that is why I feel so frustrated.
He has a remote control for my emotions and I need to deprive him of the batteries.
I can do this .....
Thanks so much for the support....
I'm trying to get a grip - trust me! In fact I was the one in the marriage that arranged,sorted and organized everything. I know, I know, I know all that stuff about control.. that is why I feel so frustrated.
He has a remote control for my emotions and I need to deprive him of the batteries.
I can do this .....
Thanks so much for the support....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thanks, should have posted back on here long ago.... low self-esteem and shame controls so much of what we do.
It is now half-twelve in UK so toddling of to bed, really appreciate your empathy and support - should have got back on here a while ago.
Nite x
It is now half-twelve in UK so toddling of to bed, really appreciate your empathy and support - should have got back on here a while ago.
Nite x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
I have done most of the communication through email or through solicitors - just every now and again I need to speak to him - I try to avoid it at all costs as I know what will happen.
Trouble is when I speak to him he triggers the awful, gnawing, codie desperation. I'm sure you all know that feeling. It doesn't matter how tough I'm feeling, how irrational it is to get upset, I can't control it. Once I start feeling like that it is very difficult to stop myself spiraling. Of course the more upset I am, the nastier he is, which makes the whole thing much worse.
Once we've moved house and started our new life things will be fine. He is punishing me for rejecting him and throwing him out and at the same time his sons. This is all so frustrating.
Today I feel a bit better - tomorrow I go on holiday. Trouble the horrible, cold, codie feelings creep over me without warning and can be triggered by anything - seeing loads of happy families on holiday will get to me I'm sure.
I'm really not as pathetic as I'm coming across - just having a bad few days. The roller coaster of emotions doesn't stop when they leave - especially if you have children.
Trouble is when I speak to him he triggers the awful, gnawing, codie desperation. I'm sure you all know that feeling. It doesn't matter how tough I'm feeling, how irrational it is to get upset, I can't control it. Once I start feeling like that it is very difficult to stop myself spiraling. Of course the more upset I am, the nastier he is, which makes the whole thing much worse.
Once we've moved house and started our new life things will be fine. He is punishing me for rejecting him and throwing him out and at the same time his sons. This is all so frustrating.
Today I feel a bit better - tomorrow I go on holiday. Trouble the horrible, cold, codie feelings creep over me without warning and can be triggered by anything - seeing loads of happy families on holiday will get to me I'm sure.
I'm really not as pathetic as I'm coming across - just having a bad few days. The roller coaster of emotions doesn't stop when they leave - especially if you have children.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Loopy,
That's why I think it is important to keep posting, the people here will help you work through your emotions.
You have a happy family, you and your sons, enjoy your holiday, make it a special time for you and your children.
That's why I think it is important to keep posting, the people here will help you work through your emotions.
You have a happy family, you and your sons, enjoy your holiday, make it a special time for you and your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Long Time No Post
Hi
Well I'm now actually divorced - since September 12th.
This morning my ex told me he has a new girl friend that he has been seeing since July - he left by order of the court 1st May. He has known this woman since before he knew me - they had a relationship 23 years ago. I have met her a few times a long time ago and took an instant dislike - she is the sort that men can't help themselves with as she is all **** and bum - and the sort woman hate because she flirts non-stop. She is also divorced with 2 daughters who live with her...
Anyway he went on holiday with her in August and evidently feels he is in love with her. He told my sons today that he wants them to meet her. Both have said no - both have also said that if he tries a sneaky - like her being at his flat when they go round - they will walk.
I am numb - sort of hurt - sort of, "I'm divorced so what has it got to do with me", .. mainly hurt I suppose. After 17 years of marriage he gets it together with an ex who he hasn't seen for at least 16 years - he has been hostile, rude, angry and down right horrible to me on the phone since around 6 weeks after he left. It all falls into place now.
The codie in me is very hurt and distressed, the bit that is aware that I have done the best thing possible for me and my sons by getting rid of him is telling me - told you so he is an arse - I am in shreds if I'm truthful.
Why does this hurt so much?
Well I'm now actually divorced - since September 12th.
This morning my ex told me he has a new girl friend that he has been seeing since July - he left by order of the court 1st May. He has known this woman since before he knew me - they had a relationship 23 years ago. I have met her a few times a long time ago and took an instant dislike - she is the sort that men can't help themselves with as she is all **** and bum - and the sort woman hate because she flirts non-stop. She is also divorced with 2 daughters who live with her...
Anyway he went on holiday with her in August and evidently feels he is in love with her. He told my sons today that he wants them to meet her. Both have said no - both have also said that if he tries a sneaky - like her being at his flat when they go round - they will walk.
I am numb - sort of hurt - sort of, "I'm divorced so what has it got to do with me", .. mainly hurt I suppose. After 17 years of marriage he gets it together with an ex who he hasn't seen for at least 16 years - he has been hostile, rude, angry and down right horrible to me on the phone since around 6 weeks after he left. It all falls into place now.
The codie in me is very hurt and distressed, the bit that is aware that I have done the best thing possible for me and my sons by getting rid of him is telling me - told you so he is an arse - I am in shreds if I'm truthful.
Why does this hurt so much?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hey Loopy....you are a FREE AGENT and the world is yours!
After 17 years of marriage he gets it together with an ex who he hasn't seen for at least 16 years - he has been hostile, rude, angry and down right horrible to me on the phone since around 6 weeks after he left.
Might I suggest that you implement a no contact boundary for yourself with your X unless there is an emergency involving your children? Secondly, you know why you had to leave your M. The new woman is about to find out what your X is really like. You've said yourself that in addition to his addiction he has severe personality disorder.
I am in shreds if I'm truthful.
Both divorce and moving house are high on the scale of traumatic events so you have been through the wringer. Be good to yourself now as your world re-shapes itself and you all adjust to new lives.
((((loopy)))))))
After 17 years of marriage he gets it together with an ex who he hasn't seen for at least 16 years - he has been hostile, rude, angry and down right horrible to me on the phone since around 6 weeks after he left.
Might I suggest that you implement a no contact boundary for yourself with your X unless there is an emergency involving your children? Secondly, you know why you had to leave your M. The new woman is about to find out what your X is really like. You've said yourself that in addition to his addiction he has severe personality disorder.
I am in shreds if I'm truthful.
Both divorce and moving house are high on the scale of traumatic events so you have been through the wringer. Be good to yourself now as your world re-shapes itself and you all adjust to new lives.
((((loopy)))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thanks for response
Truth be told - it's often me who makes contact - mainly because otherwise he would have walked out of our lives and still be walking now. I so wish I didn't do this - he is a **** head and I know that backwards - but part of me can't walk away. I still want to explain to him how I feel and what he has done blah blah - I want to shake him and for him to see the light - we are divorced - I have been miserable for years and still I have a chunk of me that still thinks I love him.
Also my sons- best thing would be for me to move away and get a new life - BUT I can't my sons are 13 and 15 & therefore I need to stay where their school is etc.
Why can't I get so mad that I hate him and don't feel any pain? How can he walk away from 20 years together and not look back? Why doesn't he think about the effect he is having on my sons who are devastated that he has a new girlfriend?
How can he pretend to love me and me heartbroken for 2/3 weeks after we split and then get with an old flame and treat me with contempt from then on in?
Also my sons- best thing would be for me to move away and get a new life - BUT I can't my sons are 13 and 15 & therefore I need to stay where their school is etc.
Why can't I get so mad that I hate him and don't feel any pain? How can he walk away from 20 years together and not look back? Why doesn't he think about the effect he is having on my sons who are devastated that he has a new girlfriend?
How can he pretend to love me and me heartbroken for 2/3 weeks after we split and then get with an old flame and treat me with contempt from then on in?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi loopy
hon, take your power back and own it again. i had the same hard time with my xh....i was addicted to him as he was to the bottle. i would make excuses to make contact, which only turned into a disaster. i kept thinking he would give a damn.
i was setting my own self up for dissappointment and hurt by reaching out to him.
why did i do it? why did i continue to want to upset myself? why could i not accept that he chose the bottle over our marriage? these are all questions that i had to look very deep within to find the answers....along with the help of al-anon.
i hear your hurt and can identify very much with it.....for three years, i thought i would just die without my husband in my future. the truth of the matter, he was a very sick man, who could not respond to rationale. standing by him was killing me, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
if he continued to choose not to get into recovery, accept sobriety, then i had to get the target off of my chest. if his illness made him behave abusively, among other things, then so be it.....but i had to get out of his target range.
he remarried also.....he is now divorced because she was living the same life i was living. they don't change for a woman, trust me. they just manipulate the hell out of them, until they show the new woman who they really are.
please take your power back. you do not deserve to let this sick man have so much of your power, peace, and serenity.
jmho
best to you and lots of healing prayers
jeri
hon, take your power back and own it again. i had the same hard time with my xh....i was addicted to him as he was to the bottle. i would make excuses to make contact, which only turned into a disaster. i kept thinking he would give a damn.
i was setting my own self up for dissappointment and hurt by reaching out to him.
why did i do it? why did i continue to want to upset myself? why could i not accept that he chose the bottle over our marriage? these are all questions that i had to look very deep within to find the answers....along with the help of al-anon.
i hear your hurt and can identify very much with it.....for three years, i thought i would just die without my husband in my future. the truth of the matter, he was a very sick man, who could not respond to rationale. standing by him was killing me, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
if he continued to choose not to get into recovery, accept sobriety, then i had to get the target off of my chest. if his illness made him behave abusively, among other things, then so be it.....but i had to get out of his target range.
he remarried also.....he is now divorced because she was living the same life i was living. they don't change for a woman, trust me. they just manipulate the hell out of them, until they show the new woman who they really are.
please take your power back. you do not deserve to let this sick man have so much of your power, peace, and serenity.
jmho
best to you and lots of healing prayers
jeri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thanks so much
I looked back over my profile tonight - each and and every time I post I get so much support - thank you all so much!
I am totally broken right now - hurt - I feel crucified. But I will hold it together for my sons - my mum said tonight that my ex is the cruelest person she has ever come across. My mum is also an alkie and up till now has always sat on the fence incase I have him back?? Great!!!!
I will survive (as they say) but I hurt to my bone marrow at the moment.
I am totally broken right now - hurt - I feel crucified. But I will hold it together for my sons - my mum said tonight that my ex is the cruelest person she has ever come across. My mum is also an alkie and up till now has always sat on the fence incase I have him back?? Great!!!!
I will survive (as they say) but I hurt to my bone marrow at the moment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Update - sent my ex an email last night telling him I didn't wish to communicate with him anymore and that I wanted him to leave the boys out of his relationship with this woman as it was too soon. He sent me a mail back at lunchtime telling me that things move on fast and that he wasn't trying to mess with the boys or my head. I feel sick!
I have blocked his email addresses to all my account and will delete his number from my mobile which means that if he rings he goes straight to answer phone as he is not in my addie book.
I have a non-molestation order which I will now enforce to the letter so he is not allowed on the premises of my house.
Both boys independently told him they didn't want to see him today (he has them round for a couple of hours every other Sunday afternoon to watch a DVD & a takeaway! My eldest told him that he thought he was being insensitive and that he had only been divorced three days before he rung to say he had a new girlfriend.
Truth be told I am so hurt it's not true - I have that horrible tight feeling in my stomach and chest and I feel sick.
No contact whatsoever is the only way I am going to get through this. I wish we never had to see him again. I have tried to explain to the boys that I won't ever get back with their dad and that I want them to see him and that he is entitled to have a relationship but I suppose my words sound hollow and they can see how much I am hurt.
I never ever ever thought he would be so totally without empathy.
I have blocked his email addresses to all my account and will delete his number from my mobile which means that if he rings he goes straight to answer phone as he is not in my addie book.
I have a non-molestation order which I will now enforce to the letter so he is not allowed on the premises of my house.
Both boys independently told him they didn't want to see him today (he has them round for a couple of hours every other Sunday afternoon to watch a DVD & a takeaway! My eldest told him that he thought he was being insensitive and that he had only been divorced three days before he rung to say he had a new girlfriend.
Truth be told I am so hurt it's not true - I have that horrible tight feeling in my stomach and chest and I feel sick.
No contact whatsoever is the only way I am going to get through this. I wish we never had to see him again. I have tried to explain to the boys that I won't ever get back with their dad and that I want them to see him and that he is entitled to have a relationship but I suppose my words sound hollow and they can see how much I am hurt.
I never ever ever thought he would be so totally without empathy.
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