worriednana

I have spent the past 4 hours reading everything on this site. Thank god I found it. I know much of addiction as my late H was a recovering A and I have had abuse issues when I was younger, but do not feel any need to go that route again. But it is my son and his GF who are breaking my heart. I care about her b/c she is the mother of my beautiful grandson plus she is from a family of users and abusers so she is like my daughter. No need to tell the tale b/c it is the same one every family member of an addict has. My son was in one long term center 2.5 yrs ago when he was 20, 3 weeks after discharge he found his dad dead from terminal cancer. I had been enabling those 2 for 2.5 years b/c I did feel sorry for him losing his dad.
Funny 2 weeks after I refinanced my house to pay off bills (including their car I was paying for anyway) and do some much needed work to my house, they need help getting out of the drug den they lived in and will do anything that they need to. Well they did detox but only went to 1 outpatient meeting, no NA meetings. OK then you 2 have to find jobs and start saving to get a place, hard to do when in bed until noon and then going swimming or to the fair. So they left my moms where they were staying, I refused to let them move in with me again. Thankfully they brought the baby back to my moms for her to take care of. I will not enable anymore.

I have a question for other parents...Have you done the tough love route and did you have success???? My son was a smart kid in school and they could have the world by the tail if they chose.

I thank whoever started this site for the families out there suffering.

marle

Welcome to SR. Glad you found us. I am the mom of an addict daughter 21. I practice tough love with her. Have I had success. If you measure it by whether or not she is in active addiction, then no. But if you measure it by the quality of life that I have now compared to when I was enabling, I would give you a big fat YES. I gave her back responsibility for her life and her addiction and I took back responsibility for my life and happiness. Hugs, Marle

splendra

((((worriednana)))))

Welcome glad you found us!!

I do not have any children who are using but I do have plenty of addicted family members. There are lots of moms here though and I am sure they will be around to talked about what works for them soon. Saturday is sometimes kinda slow around here so hang in and keep posting...

caileesnana

Hi,
I have a daugher 23 who is an addict/alcoholic. I believe in tough love, which I don't enable her. It is the hardest thing to do, but I refuse to be involved w/ the drug lifestyle in any form. You'll meet some great people from both sides--parents and recovering addicts who will help you. I don't know what I would do w/o SR.

To enable them is to help them kill theirself! You are not alone. Glad your grandchild is taken care of!
Prayers for you
susan

krhea75

Yes, I have tried tough love with my son, having him arrested countless times. He is going to a recovery house after his fifth rehab. It is hard to use tough love, but it sounds like they are walking all over you! (don't take offense, this is from one doormat to another.)I feel so much better about life and myself when I hold strong to my boundaries. Hang tough,sister, we moms have to support each other.
krhea

worriednana

The hardest part is my grandson. When I kicked them out a year ago, I resigned myself to the fact I may never see him again. I did and do see him so those threats don't work anymore. Yes I am a doormat but am working to change that for 2 days now.

Thanks again to everyone

pjbs55

(((worriednana)))
I am a mother of an addict. I did the tough love route, made him leave. Did it work? I don't really know about him. I have not seen him in over 2 years. But today from coming to this site I am a lot stronger and a lot healthier mentally.
Welcome here, and know we are here for you. You will get a lot of support and love from this site. It is a life saver for so many of us.

Ogly

Welcome Worriednana.....

My addict was not my child but I can tell you the hardest thing I did was do that final telephone hang up on my ex-addict. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to try to track him down. Best the best thing I did for me was hold my ground....

Tough love hurts otherwise it wouldn't be called tough love...Sometimes it works on the 1st shot - sometimes it takes years (mine took over years and a pesky thing like a restraining order to actualy sink in LOL) but you have lots of love and support here....

please keep coming back....
Ogly

hope213

i am also the mother of an addict son. tough love? i do not call it that. i call it taking care of my self. i spent 1,000$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ on my son. he was also married with 2 babies.i paid bails,lawyers, rehabs,the works. there rent, u name it, i paid it. my son started drinking at age 17 by the time he was 23 he was into crack & was serving his 1st prison sentence.since then his wife was murdered due to drugs( not by my son) & he has spent more time in prison than out.let go of your son or get dragged. paying,bailing him out of trouble, paying rent, even giving money for gro. is the worse thing u can do for him. trust me, he will never get better until you stop helping (enabling) him.he has a soft spot to fall on. your mother should also quit.when they have no "help", maybe they can hit there bottom.saying a prayer for your son,his family & for you.keep coming back. i wish i had found recovery before my son turn 36. it works if you work it.

Wascally Wabbit

Hi Worried,
It sounds like you have been through some very tough times.
I have two sons. One is in prison, the other is in a work release.
I can't tell you the heartache I have been through. The oldest is in work release. He is the drug addict.
I finally said NO MORE several months ago when he spent every penny of 5000 he had worked almost a year to save, on drugs, within one month.
He's got about another month in the work release. He is fully aware he may not come to live with me again. I simply can't take the chaos any more.
But, on a good note, he's straightened up too. I don't know what will happen when he gets out, but that is up to him.
I hope things get better for you.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another mom. My heart goes out to you. Another skill besides tough love, is "datatch with love" from our addict adult children. It takes practice but is what we have to do to stop the insanity for us. I look forward to getting to know you here.

Ann

I too don't see it as "tough love", I see it as detaching with love and the toughest part of that was for me.

The person who founded SoberRecovery was a recovering addict named Jon, who is the author of "What Addicts Do" on the sticky posts at the top of this forum...and I might add, a wise and wonderful person. He told me once that it was possible that I could love my son right into his grave, and that's when the light went on for me that I was enabling my son to continue in his addiction. I was robbing him of lessons he needed to learn such as consequences for his actions and learning to take responsibility for himself.

It took more love for my son (and for myself) to let go than it took to hang on. No matter what I did or didn't do, or what I said or didn't say, my son's addiction continued and was destroying us both. And I learned that I could not live in my recovery and his addiction at the same time. My choice was that I could walk into hell with him or I could find my way out of hell and hold the light where he might see it one day and find his way out for himself.

These are not choices any mother should have to make, but they are the reality of having a child who is an addict.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you will walk with us on this journey of recovery.

Hugs

ladyjane

Welcome to SR. I too am a mother of an as and an ad. We've been all through the chaos and worry and insanity as well.
My husband and I have custody of our ad's baby boy. We could not allow the poor little guy to be dragged from pillar to post with her.
We've had to set boundries for our as and ad and sometimes it's very hard. They can really tear you up with their sob stories.
Right now, just not allowing them to move back in with us, or come to our home using or drinking, has allowed us so much peace!!!
Keep coming back. You too can find peace in the chaos.
__________________
Trish

worriednana

Well it is another day. I am so lucky to have found my BF. He knows how much I hurt but tries to make me laugh every day. He has issues with his exw and her trashy way of living and he knows his oldest will go down this path also one day.

I couldn't imagine having both of my kids going thru this like some of you wonderful people. My girl is great, keeps her grades up and is getting looks from colleges for basketball scholarships, and has already qualified with her ACTs to be eligible for free rides at any state school. If I kept this up I would have no way to help her when she goes next year.

Maybe they are still clean, but I need proof after all I have been thru.

blue pansy

((((Worried))))
Welcome. Glad you found us. My addict is my 21 yo daughter.
What I have to constantly remember is that at 21 she is an adult and as an adult I don't have to take care of her any more. She should be able to take care of herself.
Would I call it tough love, maybe. I call it getting out of her way and letting her figure things out for herself. When asked for help, I'll ask her to list her options and if she wants my input, I'll give it.
Have I bailed her out in the past, yep. Will I do it again, nope. Is she able to work and pay her own bills, yep. Do I feel that I've got to pay them for her so she can sit around on her a** and do drugs, oh no. Will she have many loans college and otherwise to pay to try and dig herself out of the hole she's in, sure. Am I co-signing a loan for her, I am. But she knows that she is putting her car up for collateral, and will I take it and sell it if she doesn't pay, I sure will.
I realize that it's harder when there is a child involved, but the child is your grandchild,
the adult is your son, and he needs to realize that. That's not tough love, it reality.

lostparent

My ad is 21 an has a 4 yr old son, she's pregnant now so she has stopped using for the time being. She has used her son repeatedly in the last few yrs to get us to do what she wants. So I understand how it makes it harder to deal with. I'm still learning to let go. ..Just wanted to wish you luck an let you know your not alone.

Lobo

Worriednana.........Welcome
Another mom here of a 26 yr. old AD. I have done all of the wrong things to try to save her from destroying herself. I must have been insane to think that I could even do such a thing. I do help her out when she is helping herself. Right now she is facing a hearing on Sept. 6th. She will hopefully be sent to rehab and then a half way. Not the first time for her in rehab. I can only hope that this is her time. I don't look at it as tough love. For me I have learned to detatch from a lot of things.
Her truck went to the pound the night she was arrested. That was a month ago. It is still sitting in the pound and will probably be sold. Her insurance cancellation notice came in the mail yesterday. The police took her cell phone. I don't know if she'll ever get that back. I refuse to help her replace these things. Call it tough
love if you will. I just know that she has to realize that when you mess with fire you get burned She has gotten burned many times before. Will she learn this time?
I don't know.
I wish you luck.......it sounds like you already have a handle on things.

dor51

My 26 year old H addict son is now almost five months clean and it took me to say you must move away and stand on your own two feet. He moved to a rehabilitation center and is really working on his recovery. At six months he will be able to get out, but has decided to continue working there. Just taking a day at a time.

bookmiser

((((((((WorriedNana)))))))))



Just wanted to add my welcome, give a hug, send up my prayers for you and your family, and tell ya to keep comin' back.
My 25 yo son is the addict in my life. Your not alone.
Hugs from a new friend,
Linda

sobercuse

(((Worriedanna)))))

Welcome. My 26 year old addict son is sitting in jail. He is being charged for stealing.....I don't know exactly what he did. But I do know that if a person continues to use heroin and crack they will either get Locked up in jail, a mental ward or buried in the grave.

I have been trying to stop him from drugs since he was 15. A friend of mine said today, "When will he know when to stop this?" He has lost everything over and over again.

I really need to detach with love. There comes a time when I admit that I am powerless over my son. I can't cure him, I can't control him and I didn't cause this addiction.

You are not alone Anna. It is so sad to watch our children destroy themselves. We must not destroy ourselves by enabling them.