kokobum

Well, same old, same old.......When my AW finally got sober, after 3 day binge, despite my best intentions, and my personal vow that "this time would be different", well.....I couldn't do it. I'm so pissed with myself. You can't just not talk to each other forever, so I took it upon myself (old habits die hard) to have "THE TALK" again. I'm sure you all know the one. It's the same one as the last time, and the time before, and the time before, and the time before.... it didn't work the other 6000 times, why would it work now?? "Oh but this time is different", you tell yourself. "I'm sure she's learned her lesson". "Look how remorseful she looks". So, as she lay on the couch looking sad, I start my usual rambling.....this despite the fact that this is the exact step I said I wouldn't take!!!! Why do I do it??!! What is the proper course of action?? I brought home the papers for admission to the rehab center, she looked at them, that's about it. I tell her "your way is not working"!! I tell her the only thing that would help her is rehab. Of course, if a person can't even admit there's a problem, what makes me think they're going to do anything about it? "I'm seeing a counsellor aren't I"? she says. I rub salt in the wound as always and state that "last time you saw your counsellor you stopped for a case of beer on your way home". "It doesn't change overnight you know". Pfft, yea, I figured that out!! Heard that line more times than I can count. My neverending negativity leads to the usual "thanks for your support and positive reinforcement". Hmmmmm......tried that support and positive reinforcement thing b4, that doesn't work either!! Anyway, I'm disappointed in myself, and have no reason to believe that anything has changed, so now I just wait for the next one, than we have "the talk" again, etc...., etc...., etc....!!! Kept thinking the serenity prayer in my head over and over...."God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"......that worked for a while, but as usual i ended up giving in!!!! Grrrr

Mair

((())) you will get stronger koko, and one day when YOU are ready you wont bother with the talk you'll do the walk. keep posting we are all here for you.

Mair x

parentrecovers

it gets easier to say no - just keep practicing. blessings, k

Rella927

Yup I know that "TALK" well! In time you will give up having that talk-it is when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and repeating yourself over and over! In the meantime try not to beat yourself up so much! It gets easier in time! You need to start walking for yourself! Take care of YOU!

Did you think of going to try out an Al-Anon meeting?

Someone posted the other day on another thread a reminder of the post from "What addicts do" take a look at it....it makes sense! Sorry you are going through this KoKo


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

lovemypup

Mair is exactly right. I did the talk for 27 years. Then one day I looked at myself and seen that I was the sick one. I had lost 20 pounds all of a sudden and I went to bed not caring if I woke up the next day. Those are just a couple things I noticed about me.
Finally I didnt do the talk, I just walked. I had to get well again for me. You will know when the time is right for you. Until then I feel for you because I was there too.

denny57

I came to understand that I was the one with the problem, AH was just fine drinking.

((()))

an'ka

We've all done the talk a gazillion times. Don't beat yourself up, Kokobum, it's difficult to change an ingrained pattern of behavior, and it surely takes courage to finally say "this is it." Personally, I reached a point where I've repeated the same words so many times that I felt physically sick at the thought of saying them again. Literally, sick to my stomach. That was the end of the "talk" phase of our relationship.

Now, I don't want to do the talking AND I don't want to hear him talk, either. We are getting a divorce, so I don't even care if I see action. I've seen enough. It is never easy to leave a loved one, no matter how much pain they've caused you. I still hurt for my husband, even now that he is with someone else, but I am also happy to be living MY life, for a change.

I'm sending you strength, courage, and peace of mind over the Internet.

sunshine321

Here's my talk. ABF: What are we going to do about our problems? Me: Nothing. ABF: What do you mean "nothing"? Me: There is nothing to do because I don't even know who you are. ABF: Of course you do. Why do you say that? Me: Because you don't even know who you are so how can I possibly know you either? Until you get sober, I don't see how I am supposed to know which of the problems we have stem from alcoholism or just you and I? ABF: I hear what you are saying but you must contribute some problems to this relationship. Can't we work on those? Me: Um, no. I cannot figure out what is going on in our relationship while you are an active alcoholic. So suck it up and deal with it for now or do something about yourself. It's up to you but don't expect any changes. This is it buddy. I'll stay until I can't stay anymore. ABF: I know I need help and I'm working on it (this said while he's sipping his pint size glass of Vodka and Red Bull). Me: Ummm hmmm.

We have this same talk once a week at least.

Jenny

minnie

Heh, I think we can all relate to having "that" conversation a hundred or more times.

I realised something after a (very long) while. If someone says something to me about how I am behaving, I listen very closely. I don't brush it off, or deny it outright, or come up with excuses. Because I realise that, if someone has plucked up the courage to speak out, then it must be something serious. In fact, if ever anyone does any of that, or if I ever do any of those things to ignore it, there is a real problem. Far beyond the skill of the person I am talking with, doctor or no doctor.

I've kinda got to the stage of "say it once", no matter what it is. Then it's up to me to make my own decisions.