mps101

So I'm still really new to sobriety. I remember hearing that you're not supposed to start dating until 3 months(?) sobriety...

A really nice guy at work just asked me out today. Is it okay to go?

barb dwyer

wow. now there's something you don't see everyday...

I dunno ... is he cute? rich? sober? tall?

LOL

mps101

lol. he's not rich..or tall...or sober...but he's not an alcoholic (I do know this). He asked me out to go see a movie. He is very cute however...in more than just the physical way. He asked to go see a movie. Which has always been a sober event for me. This is hard...when I was drinking most of my "relationships" have always been more of the middle of the night relationships. Yikes...yet that is the truth.

I'm still a 20 something...so I'm really confused. He is kind heart, I do know that much.

laurie6781

Actually...........................the general rule is:

"No major changes the first year."

And yes that includes dating. Why? Because the first year of recovery is so intense and our emotions and feelings are RAW. Our brains are working their way out of the fog and mush and really our thinking IS LOUSY. lol

And besides why would you go out with someone you work with, not a very good idea. The old adage of "Do not mix BUSINESS with PLEASURE" is so so true. That's a trap that even with my long time sobriety I would not step into.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

mps101

Thank you Laurie. I don't actually work with him. He's just in the company. But I understand what you (AA experience is saying.) I guess dating has always been really hard for me and well when someone who is actually nice comes along it just feels hard (for me) to forgo that.

barb dwyer

I keep hoping someone else will post -
I'm the world's WORST at this stuff.

The other side of the wisdom of that suggestion is -
we've not done anything other than let the disease make our choices .. for however long it's been that we were drinking.

So for a while - we don't know HOW to choose what is right.

That's a good reason to hang out for a while too.
Until we learn how to make better choices.
From someplace OTHER than within - or -
at the effect of - the disease....

I know that, for me, I'd slap some man in the place in my head/heart where my HP needs to be in a second.
it's how I am ... how I was raised.
But at eleven months sobriety .. I've finally seen that.
now I know what all teh fuss was about.
I didn't know that - even three months ago.

But that's just me.
And I'm not twentysomething.

madworld

I have heard that no dating thing but why? Because NA says so. I can see what they are saying but honestly in the real world people like each other and some people can handle a relationship in recovery so do what you think you know you can handle.

Dee74

Hi mps...
I think the one year rule is there for a reason, and a good one...especially if in your case dating has been hard...

that being said I'll a *lot* shy of 12 months and I'm in a relationship...but I asked myself beforehand honestly and openly whether I could handle the ups and downs of a relationship, as well as the worst case scenario of a break up, without resorting to drinking and the answer was yes. I hope I'm right.

I figure I'll always have to ask myself that question anyway whether I'm 12 months or 12 yrs sober.

For me so far it's working out. If you think you can handle it, fine. If you're not sure, think about it really carefully

D

Taking5

No major changes for a year is an AA thing, and like many things in the rooms of AA, is not in the big book, the 12x12, or in any AA literture. That is not to say there is not some value in it however.

I have 5 months of sobriety (as of today by the way) and I have made a few major changes work-wise. I am in much better shape to make these changes than I was in the first 3 weeks or so, as the "fog" has lifted. My brain is working much better. I am told it will get even better and I hope so.

You dated while you were drinking/using I assume? If so then date this guy. This is not a major change. Now to cohabitate, get engaged or married, is a major change. However I cannot imagine anyone, drunk or sober, doing any of those without knowing the person for at least 2 years - although I know it happens.

So if you feel confldent that you can handle it, and would like to, go on the date. However I would not let him take you to a bar or somewhere so he can drink. That would be a bad idea IMHO.

Rowan

Dgillz - congratulations on 5 months! That's fantastic.

And - I agree with the advice you gave.

carl11

agreed....you already think he’s is a kind hearted guy...one date to familiarize yourself, allowing also that you may be disappointed closer up, may not be earth shattering..think about that ....just be open to it all...you may come back from your date wowed, or well ho hum..again, be prepared for either...if its wow...then, perhaps this may be a pleasant haven and a shoulder to lean on down the road on your recovery...and how knows??.if he ask you to go to bar or drinking pace afterwards, , me? I would simply say, well so and so, I don't drink, he may react to that very well...he may not who knows...again, ..be prepared for either and let your intellect examine the situation and feelings honestly not with your emotions but with your head...I don't always do and its so easy to get caught up..but nothing ventured nothing gained...good luck either way! m 2 cents from a guys perspective...

Jersey Nonny

From personal experience, I would say follow the AA suggestion of one year. I was 48 when I quit drinking; so, of course, I thought I knew better than AA, and got involved within my first three months. I'm not saying it led to my drinking again, but it certainly didn't help me to stay sober. Instead of celebrating 28 years on June 22, I'll be celebrating on November 15.

Concentrate on recovery for now...you're young enough that there will be plenty of time to resume dating, and you'll be much better able to handle any disappointments along the way.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Well, I got my GF back at 1 month sober, she moved in at 2 months sober so I'm not really sure if I should comment on this one ha ha. I've found her support invaluable, and the life we have together now something that I would surely lose if I relapsed. That keeps me focused and motivated..and happy!

I have to say why not go on the date? If all goes well, you can date him, I'm sure you aren't planning on getting married this year..if anything, maybe you can make a new friend out of it.

mikel60

I didn't date for more than a year when I went first got sober. Come to think of it, I hadn't dated for the five years prior to that either. Too busy drinking. However, I did fall in love about 5,000 times that first sober year. For some reason, every woman in the halls of AA was perfect for me. But I waited. Too shy, too scared, too messed up still. At three years sober i met a great woman, we got married, and now have two great kids. I'm glad I waited. But, that's just me...
Mike

fuster

Hello MPS101:

No dating or major decision making and/or changes for first 1-2 years of recovery.

Let's clear up one thing first: the person who logicizes that if you "dated while you were drinking" then you can date now because in their mind "this is not a major change" is using the same part of their brain that tells them it is O.K. to have that drink or drug. This is alcoholic logic at its worst.

If you dated while you were active in your alcoholism/addiction, then dating now is a major change. Why? Because any commitment you made to someone prior to recovery is not the same as your commitments you make now. Any closeness you felt to someone prior to recovery is not the closeness you will feel now. Any emotions you thought you felt prior to recovery are not the same as now. And any painful emotional feelings you experience now cannot be anesthetized with alcohol or drugs now that you are in recovery. You have to live through them as only an actively recovering person (i.e., working a recovery program, not a dating program) can do. Only a fool would think that dating now is not different from before you entered recovery.

One thing is still the same as before. You had poor decision making when you were drinking/using, I would guess. Otherwise you wouldn't be trying to get better now. Your poor decision making is like a deep, chronic wound in your brain: it heals, but very slowly. You are finding your way in recovery, and as you do your wounding will heal. You have to go through the recovery process one foot in front of the other, day by day, to get better. You don't just stop drinking, go to meetings and now your decision making is all better.

Also, how do you think you feel about yourself at your lowest moments? Not to put words in your mouth, but think about this carefully and then think how any feelings dealing with low self worth or low self esteem might trigger craving for your drug of choice (alcohol or whatever). You get dumped or things don't turn out like you planned, how will you respond emotionally? Can you say you have enough progress in the Program to feel so comfortable with yourself to know you will handle any feelings you have without risk of relapse?

Stopping the drinking or drug use is easy. Not starting again is the hard part. Making the fundamental changes in self and in one's behaviors is a long and arduous task that should be taken seriously. Also, dating someone in recovery does not guarantee anything since there are many in recovery who have not taken a drink for many years yet they have failed to change any of their unhealthy behaviors that they had before they got sober.

calabash

Do you love yourself enough yet to allow someone else in your life. Are you strong enough yet to deal with disappointment. Bottom line - do you have enough to give someoine else yet.

I know it took me a while

stacyf

One thing is certain: ask a dozen addicts whether or not you should date during X-amount of time, and you'll get a dozen different answers. When I first began this journey, my sponsor didn't give me any answers; she asked me some simple questions, like:

1. What is your definition of dating?
2. How has that worked out for you in the past?
3. Were you happy with the results?
4. Did you ever use over a relationship?
5. Would you like something different?

As uncomfortable as it was, I chose to give the answers:

1. When I thought about it, my definition of dating went something like this: I meet a guy. We flirt. He asks me "out". He arrives to pick me up. We go "out". We come "home". He stays. We're "in love". We can't live without one another. We can't seem to live with one another, either. All heck breaks loose.
2. That has never worked out very well for me.
3. Not only was I unhappy with the results then, I still carried the scars from it into my now.
4. Yes.
5. I think I do want something different - but I'm scared - and lonely - and hurting.

She said, "If you want more of the same, go right ahead; you already know how to do that. If you want something different, do something different." So I said, "Like what?"

Over the course of the next three years, I began doing things differently. Top priority was - and still is - recovery. I went to alot of meetings, sometimes every day, sometimes more than once a day, always regularly. I called my sponsor, sometimes every day, sometimes more than once a day, always regularly. I read the program literature. I got involved in service work. I got a home group. I worked the steps myself. I worked them with my own sponsees. I learned about the Traditions. And I prayed practically all the time.

I met a man in the fellowship when I first began going to meetings, but we never dated or had any sort of intimate relationship other than what happens naturally during the course of meeting attendance, service work, and shared group activities. We started dating when I had nearly four years clean and he had five. We've been married for nine years now, we have two sons, and we continue - individually and as a family - to put recovery first.

For me, it was worth it. It was all worth it.

God Bless

WLDKATZ

Stacy you just gave me so much hope!!!!!!!!!! We did things a bit differently but I pray every minute of every day that my bf and I end up like you and your husband!!!! And this is a damn good thread!!!!!

SaTiT

Good god...go on the date for god shake.
it's just a date not a marriage.
what's wrong with going to dinner or the movies..?

when the heck did that happened ?..i never knew if i just had
dinner with someone, it ment i was going to have sex fall in love
and have babies , get married . that's too much to ask from a guy.lol

There's not going to be a flash of lighting all of a sudden, you'll
feel okay to date just becuase you have a year.
You'll still go through different stages of dating
and getting to know someone or getting rejected, or getting stood
up. You'll ask the very same question, no matter how much time
you have. The different is you'll process the good and the bad
sober.

The lesson will come in different forms regardless wheather you
date or not.

Imagine that living and enjoying life without the use of alcohol.

SaTiT

why don't people suggest not going to work in the first
year of your recovery..

People go out and get jobs and relapsed all the time..
mmm...where did you think i got my dope from ?
whom did you think I hung around with during happy hours ?