4th step, my mother-in-law and AH
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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4th step, my mother-in-law and AH
My AH just told me that when I get to the 4th step in the program, I will have to make ammends for what I did this weekend. I asked what he was talking about. He said that I screwed up by not at least saying hello when his mother arrived and goodbye when she left.
Well, I did say hello the one time that I happened to come home and walked through the den. She looked at me, said nothing and didn't even crack a smile. Miffed no doubt.
Why is it always about me? As far as I am concerned, she was horribly abusive to my AH. He'll admit it when he's not defending her. She has been abusive to other family members as well. She has wanted me out of the picture for the entire 13 years we've been married. She has been such a huge negative force in my life.
I did not want her to come this weekend. I am dealing with my own unresolved issues with her. I told AH I wanted more time in Al-Anon first to work on myself. He couldn't or wouldn't tell her no. I didn't ban her from coming because I didn't think it was right to interfere with his relationship with her. I no longer want a relationship with her. I'm making changes for me.
And now he thinks I need to get to step #4 to make ammends for my actions this weekend? She had the entire house. I stayed in my bedroom when she was here. I stayed gone most of the time.
Please be honest with me. Is avoiding her a sin too??????? She'll never change. She absolutely is too far gone in the land of control, manipulation, wickedness, gossip, etc. to change. She has never, ever once admitted to any family member that she has ever done anything wrong and has never apologized. All I can change is me. I absolutely can not stand this woman. AH and I have had some of our heaviest battles over her.
So I didn't greet her at the door and say goodbye. I did not want her in my house. I need to be talked down. Obviously, I am a newbie to Al-Anon because I know this isn't supposed to occupy my brain so much and I'm afraid that now it is.
Well, I did say hello the one time that I happened to come home and walked through the den. She looked at me, said nothing and didn't even crack a smile. Miffed no doubt.
Why is it always about me? As far as I am concerned, she was horribly abusive to my AH. He'll admit it when he's not defending her. She has been abusive to other family members as well. She has wanted me out of the picture for the entire 13 years we've been married. She has been such a huge negative force in my life.
I did not want her to come this weekend. I am dealing with my own unresolved issues with her. I told AH I wanted more time in Al-Anon first to work on myself. He couldn't or wouldn't tell her no. I didn't ban her from coming because I didn't think it was right to interfere with his relationship with her. I no longer want a relationship with her. I'm making changes for me.
And now he thinks I need to get to step #4 to make ammends for my actions this weekend? She had the entire house. I stayed in my bedroom when she was here. I stayed gone most of the time.
Please be honest with me. Is avoiding her a sin too??????? She'll never change. She absolutely is too far gone in the land of control, manipulation, wickedness, gossip, etc. to change. She has never, ever once admitted to any family member that she has ever done anything wrong and has never apologized. All I can change is me. I absolutely can not stand this woman. AH and I have had some of our heaviest battles over her.
So I didn't greet her at the door and say goodbye. I did not want her in my house. I need to be talked down. Obviously, I am a newbie to Al-Anon because I know this isn't supposed to occupy my brain so much and I'm afraid that now it is.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Tell him the 4th step is about YOU taking YOUR moral inventory - nowhere does it say he gets to take your inventory for you
Actually, just don't even bring it up. IMHO, he's just pushing your buttons and wants a reaction out of you. It's always about you because then attention is off of him.
Step 9 is making amends...and it's a long, difficult way from the start of step 4.
Actually, just don't even bring it up. IMHO, he's just pushing your buttons and wants a reaction out of you. It's always about you because then attention is off of him.
Step 9 is making amends...and it's a long, difficult way from the start of step 4.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I have resentments I listed in my 4th step that never turned into face to face amends on that list we make for the 8th. My amends were in the form of forgiveness and acceptance of my own powerlessness to change someone else -- and that doesn't mean approval of their behavior or extending to them an invitation to tea.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Peace & Love,
Sugah
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I think this guy has some nerve.
When 2 people marry they hold their union far above anything else.
Their spouse is first and foremost.
It sounds like this guy needs to grow up and deal with his Mommy issues.
I’m surprised he was able to Father children with that umbilical cord still attached.
When 2 people marry they hold their union far above anything else.
Their spouse is first and foremost.
It sounds like this guy needs to grow up and deal with his Mommy issues.
I’m surprised he was able to Father children with that umbilical cord still attached.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
"I’m surprised he was able to Father children with that umbilical cord still attached."
Actually, his ex is from another country. She had his 3 kids living with her there until they came to visit one summer and MIL managed to talk them into staying. Ex didn't want to stay, but the kids thought the U.S. was Disneyland. MIL put them up in a rental home and then made life hell for the ex. The ex had enough and left. So MIL was raising (and abusing) AH's 3 kids. 2 were approaching adulthood, but the youngest was 14. I encouraged DH to get legal custody of her and bring her to live with us. His mommy had no business raising his own kid. We spent $10k to get custody and brought her down. I wound up parenting her. AH admitted later that I forced him into bringing her down, that he didn't want it. I was floored. It was HIS kid. So, she lived with us for a year and then missed her mother. She wanted to go live with her so we paid to fly her down there. After 8 months there, she wanted to move back in with us. At that point, I decided I was done raising his kid without his help. So she went back to live with MIL. I didn't know the extent of MIL's abuse until the past year or so. My youngest stepdaughter is 19 now. Since then, I have taken a moral inventory and apologized to her. I told her if I had known how horrible it would be to live with MIL, I would have done things differently.
AH has never acknowledged to anyone, except me, that he didn't want her to live with us. And when we (I) brought her down to live here, the other two kids decided I was the devil (with MIL's help). Only recently have the oldest and I mended fences. And she now admits that we could have been close if MIL were never in the picture. She's been told for years that I'm a royal witch by MIL.
Nice eh? That my religious MIL managed to teach my three stepdaughters how to hate.
Actually, his ex is from another country. She had his 3 kids living with her there until they came to visit one summer and MIL managed to talk them into staying. Ex didn't want to stay, but the kids thought the U.S. was Disneyland. MIL put them up in a rental home and then made life hell for the ex. The ex had enough and left. So MIL was raising (and abusing) AH's 3 kids. 2 were approaching adulthood, but the youngest was 14. I encouraged DH to get legal custody of her and bring her to live with us. His mommy had no business raising his own kid. We spent $10k to get custody and brought her down. I wound up parenting her. AH admitted later that I forced him into bringing her down, that he didn't want it. I was floored. It was HIS kid. So, she lived with us for a year and then missed her mother. She wanted to go live with her so we paid to fly her down there. After 8 months there, she wanted to move back in with us. At that point, I decided I was done raising his kid without his help. So she went back to live with MIL. I didn't know the extent of MIL's abuse until the past year or so. My youngest stepdaughter is 19 now. Since then, I have taken a moral inventory and apologized to her. I told her if I had known how horrible it would be to live with MIL, I would have done things differently.
AH has never acknowledged to anyone, except me, that he didn't want her to live with us. And when we (I) brought her down to live here, the other two kids decided I was the devil (with MIL's help). Only recently have the oldest and I mended fences. And she now admits that we could have been close if MIL were never in the picture. She's been told for years that I'm a royal witch by MIL.
Nice eh? That my religious MIL managed to teach my three stepdaughters how to hate.
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
I can relate, completely.
Recently AW and I had an issue regarding her parents. There were some things that were said that hurt my feelings, even though they weren't intentionally done I don't think. One night when AW was sober, I explained it to her. She got tears in her eyes, apologized and seemed very caring that my feelings had been hurt, although she too thought it was unintentional.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and she's insisting I call her parents and apologize to THEM for my feelings being hurt! What's wrong with that picture? How twisted is that? I understand your pain.
Recently AW and I had an issue regarding her parents. There were some things that were said that hurt my feelings, even though they weren't intentionally done I don't think. One night when AW was sober, I explained it to her. She got tears in her eyes, apologized and seemed very caring that my feelings had been hurt, although she too thought it was unintentional.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and she's insisting I call her parents and apologize to THEM for my feelings being hurt! What's wrong with that picture? How twisted is that? I understand your pain.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
I'll never forget when as was going to AA. He came home and told me it was time to make amends.
He stood there waiting for Me to ask for His forgiveness. He's still waiting.
_________________
Trish
He stood there waiting for Me to ask for His forgiveness. He's still waiting.
_________________
Trish
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Were it me, I think I would be polite and cordial (for my own sake as much as husband and children). I would neither try to over-involve myself nor under-involve myself....it's still as much about HER (and resentments) if I try to "teach her a lesson" (FORCE HER). Detatchment for me is disengaging another person the ability to have power over me;it is my choice. By that I mean, they do what they do and I can either accept what they say as fact,etc or not....my choice.
Right now from what I hear,it sounds like you and MIL are in a "power-struggle" with your AH in the middle. Chances are good (JMHO) that his active addiction has fueled much of this over the years. You are probably both very defensive and feel hurt by how you think the other feels,"motives",etc....... I'd be low key with the whole issue. Think of her as a co-worker,neighbor,etc......interact but keep it simple; expect less (good and bad).
My FIL and I went thru a bit of this when I told him about AH's drinking,etc....OF COURSE he did not want to believe it about his son (he is in another town,too); actually although he knows about alcoholism on several levels, (he, his parents,gparents and sibs ALL have their own issues with it;some died secondarily of it) he only admits to knowing what he has seen as end-stage alcoholics in his medical practice. He was (is?) insulted that I said that about his son and potentially embarrassed his family. So what is his option (w/out treatment and knowing anything better)? To blame me.....or maybe our kids. I think that is human nature. After I backed off;stopped saying anything and started letting AH and him deal with things (including their own relationship),and I was not there to "buffer" (nor was MIL,who had died) and he started seeing things for himself;FIL started warming up to me. In fact, even though his son divorced me recently,he still includes me and invites me to family functions,etc (we were together 30y) and told me that no matter what, he still does and always will consider me his DIL.
That's just my experience....take what you want and leave the rest.
Good luck!!
p.s. Not "reacting" took me a little re-learning after years of living with an active alcoholic. The family systems (ours and extended family) seem to still operate in the active addiction mode and probably always will unless everyone gets their own recovery. Of course; this is all a process for us all.
Right now from what I hear,it sounds like you and MIL are in a "power-struggle" with your AH in the middle. Chances are good (JMHO) that his active addiction has fueled much of this over the years. You are probably both very defensive and feel hurt by how you think the other feels,"motives",etc....... I'd be low key with the whole issue. Think of her as a co-worker,neighbor,etc......interact but keep it simple; expect less (good and bad).
My FIL and I went thru a bit of this when I told him about AH's drinking,etc....OF COURSE he did not want to believe it about his son (he is in another town,too); actually although he knows about alcoholism on several levels, (he, his parents,gparents and sibs ALL have their own issues with it;some died secondarily of it) he only admits to knowing what he has seen as end-stage alcoholics in his medical practice. He was (is?) insulted that I said that about his son and potentially embarrassed his family. So what is his option (w/out treatment and knowing anything better)? To blame me.....or maybe our kids. I think that is human nature. After I backed off;stopped saying anything and started letting AH and him deal with things (including their own relationship),and I was not there to "buffer" (nor was MIL,who had died) and he started seeing things for himself;FIL started warming up to me. In fact, even though his son divorced me recently,he still includes me and invites me to family functions,etc (we were together 30y) and told me that no matter what, he still does and always will consider me his DIL.
That's just my experience....take what you want and leave the rest.
Good luck!!
p.s. Not "reacting" took me a little re-learning after years of living with an active alcoholic. The family systems (ours and extended family) seem to still operate in the active addiction mode and probably always will unless everyone gets their own recovery. Of course; this is all a process for us all.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: williston,fl
Posts: 35
Keep going strong
respektingme...
Good job for taking care of yourself. You do not owe your mother-in-law or your husband anything. YOUR issues are YOURS and HE is interfering with your recovery. Don't let him get in the way. Keep your chin up and keep working the program. Remember, it works if you keep working it!
Good job for taking care of yourself. You do not owe your mother-in-law or your husband anything. YOUR issues are YOURS and HE is interfering with your recovery. Don't let him get in the way. Keep your chin up and keep working the program. Remember, it works if you keep working it!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Sugah 
and that doesn't mean extending to them an invitation to tea.
LOL - just visualized my XABF sitting down to tea for amends...I nearly fell over laughing. Thanks for the chuckle
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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Yeah Sugah that was a funny one!
(((Respek))) I also see pushing buttons-I have learned and still working on this mind you how not to react! It was stated on here perfect:
and yes it will be about you only because it takes the focus off of HIM and his drinking!
(((Respek))) I also see pushing buttons-I have learned and still working on this mind you how not to react! It was stated on here perfect:
Seems like your AH should be working on HIS program, not YOURS.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Your amends will be your business when YOU are ready.
The same thing coming back the other way.
It sounds to me like he has no idea what he is talking about. But then... is he still active in his alcoholism? If so, then MOST of the words out of their mouths are things we can learn to not hear.
I am sorry you have to deal with his chaos and that of his family. Separating myself from their chaos while still in the same home was something I found nearly impossible...
I wish you the best...
(((hugs)))
The same thing coming back the other way.
It sounds to me like he has no idea what he is talking about. But then... is he still active in his alcoholism? If so, then MOST of the words out of their mouths are things we can learn to not hear.
I am sorry you have to deal with his chaos and that of his family. Separating myself from their chaos while still in the same home was something I found nearly impossible...
I wish you the best...
(((hugs)))
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