outonalimb

Thats what I said to my exah today.

I instituted a 'no contact' boundary with my exah about 2 weeks ago.
I didn't answer his phone calls. I did not return his voice messages.
I would think that this behavior, coupled with everything I have already done and said to try and convince him that 'our' relationship is over, would have painted a pretty accurate picture of my feelings. But no...

He kept calling me at work today...it was very distracting...sitting there ignoring a ringing phone...so I picked it up. He wanted to know why I was treating him 'like this'...why I wouldn't talk to him...why I was so mad at him. I simply told him "I am not interested in having a relationship with you. If you wish to call and speak to our son, you are welcome to do so but beyond that, I do not want to talk to you. I have to go now. Goodbye."

Of course, he called back about 5 more times and left messages about how he can't believe I would do this to him. How it was very sh**y of me to do it over the phone. How hurt he is. Crying...yelling...and crying some more.

Unbelievable!!!

I've tried every approach in the book to break things off. I've tried explaining how I feel until I'm blue in the face. It didn't matter. He'd come back the next day as if I never said a word and try to act like things were normal. I've tried the mean route...I've tried the ignoring route....I've tried everything under the sun and said we were through in every conceivable way. He just won't accept it.

If he were within a 200 mile radius of my home right now, he'd be in my driveway...professing his love...apologizing for the latest 'incident'...but he's not...he's thousands of miles away by the grace of God.

I know his whole game plan all along has been to wear me down.
He knows that I don't want to hurt him. He knows this.
But he has never accepted and/or respected the fact that I left him, divorced him, and have rebuilt a life without him.
He lives in a fantasy world.
And I know I'm partly to blame because I have, at times, let him wear me down about certain things.
But not this time.

I feel bad...I feel bad because I know he is in pain.
I pray that he finds recovery...or at least some happiness in his life.
I really, really do.
But gosh darn it, I have rights too...
I have a right to end the relationship.
I have a right to set up and enforce boundaries without feeling guilty.
I just don't think I have the right to hurt him...but how can it be avoided? It can't. And that, I guess, is what makes me sad.

Just venting...
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest tonight.

elizabeth1979

((Outonalimb))

You do have rights.
Right to be at peace, the right to be happy, the right to live without chaos, the right to not be responsible for another adult, the right to make choices that are good for you and your children, the right to be sad, the right to put your sanity first. Above all else.

Sometimes people end up feeling hurt. Whether or not he is hurting, doesnt directly reflect on you. You werent the first domino that fell, merely one of many. Your choice may hurt him, it may not.

Ultimately, your peace and sanity must come first.
Good for you for knowing whats good for you.
I had a similar conversation with my ex this afternoon. I understand.
Whether or not he finds recovery, and you know this, that isnt your issue.
You found it, you hold onto it.

You are worth it, doing great, and well within your rights.

((outonalimb))

faithhopelovejr

I'm in your shoes. My XAH just had back surgery. He has some flusey living with him (already). I divorced him effective May 7 of this year. I've known him for 20+ years. He "was" my brother's best friend. He was a crush for me for YEARS. Finally, he became divorced several years ago and we became attached at the hip. He developed the addiction to pain pills because of a back injury that required surgery 2 years ago to the week. He lost his job of 13+ years in the progression of addiction. Got it back because they fired him incorrectly. And during the last 4 years, attempted numerous times to get clean on his own and then finally rehab in September of last year. He relapsed shortly after getting out. Never followed a program. Now here we are divorced because I almost ended up in a padded room! We don't have children together, but had 3 girls between the two of us. We never fought about normal things...EVER. Well I wish we would have had the opportunity to have "normal" arguements. It was always about the pills and him. Now he finds himself dropping by my house feeling hopeless, helpless and telling me I LOVE YOU. I KNOW THIS IS MY FAULT... THERE WILL NEVER BE ANYONE THAT CAN BE ANY BETTER THAN YOU AND I TOGETHER. My standard reply is GET CLEAN AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN. Simple. Well I know counseling would be in order, which we attempted, but he never was clean long enough to let it take its course. When he came by a few days ago, he was feeling anxiety over the surgery he had yesterday. I asked him what kind of plan he had in order for his addiction. He said he'd throw the pills away when he was done. WHATEVER! I told him I'd pray for him since I would not be present at the hospital for his surgery. I haven't heard from him. I have an uneasy feeling about his state-of-mind before his surgery. He went from telling me he quit taking his bi-polar medication a few months ago because it wasn't necessary, said he hardly ever drinks alcohol anymore, to he was "up to" 60 pills a day and now down to 3. Just really bizare, from one extreme to the other comments. I asked him if he would consider going to meetings. He said those meetings make me want to slit my wrists. I knew he had no plan for recovery. He just says I don't know what the future holds and we'll just have to see what happens... I told him to quit letting your addiction guide you and make the right choices. He is a lost cause as far as I can tell at this point.

Active addicts speak of the past and future because focusing on the present forces them to recognize the addiction.

I know what you're talking about when you say he just doesn't get it.

Lovestoomuch

Ohhhhhhhhh..........You've been here with me and saw me through the many times my exabf didn't seem to get it. It took so damn long. Hang in there honey. I know it's upsetting and can be quite nerve wracking to say the least. You do have rights. You have the right to get on with your life.

I think you've made yourself very clear in the matter. Much like you though I do feel bad for the addict. They are probably in more pain within themselves then they could have ever put us through. They have to live with themselves and the mistakes they made for the rest of their lives. I cannot imagine and hopefully never will how it feels to live with regret.

Momsrainbow

Hmmm. I don't feel bad for my addict hubby any long-he is happy as he can be with his pack of druggie friends-he most definately is not in pain-even when he is not high and no longer has to worry about my pitching a fit. 34 of his 48 yrs.-drugs, one kind of the other or all of them. Heck, I am the bad person for not allowing him to do his own thing. I don't think so. He has no regrets and will never have any unless he ODs, ends up in the hospital and I am sure "someone" will bring him more. Just like all the prison time-never was off drugs. I am selfish enough right now-I want to get my life back!!!!! And move on.

outonalimb

thank you everyone...thank you so much...

Yes...I want to move on too. Its been such a llooonnnggg painful process.

I think what it really boils down to...is that I don't want to be his 'friend' anymore...and thats what I've been trying to do all this time. The feelings of romantic love died a long time ago.

I thought I had to maintain a relationship of some kind because he is, after all, my son's dad. The thing is... I don't. Plain and simple. I feel so good about it...I do...I guess I've just grown tired of fighting this battle. And that, in the end, is a good thing. It sure did take me a long time to surrender. Too long!!! I wish him well but I'm thru looking back. Finally!!!

BigSis

(((hugs))))

Wascally Wabbit

You're doing exactly what you need to do for your own recovery. This is what alanon is all about. I see tremendous strength in you.

Ladybugg

I figure I didn't want to watch him destroy himself as my husband why would I want to watch as a friend. I had to eventually cut all addicts out of my life, even one of my great friends. I once heard that is is impossible to move forward if you are constantly looking back. I had to insist on the "no contact rule" because I just couldn't sift through all the crap that comes out of my ex's mouth. It just got to the point that I knew he was lying and manipulating and I couldn't keep up...it was taking up WAY too much space in my head. It was just too crazy in his world. I know it is the only way for me. I did want to be friends, but I soon realized it wouldn't work.

I wish you the best...you are an inspiration!!!

hope213

you are not responsible for his feeling.if you hurt him he will just have to walk thru it.isn't that what we learn here? you have to feel the feeling to get thru it? i know you do not want to hurt him but you have tried everything else. he does not care about your feelings or he would not call you. hugs,

outonalimb

Thanks everyone!

And now that I think about it...Why in the world would I think we should be 'friends'? He's not anyone I would ever consider a friend. Never in a million years.
It doesn't even have to do with all of the crap he's pulled in the past...its about a complete lack of trust and respect.

Whats friendship without trust and respect?
How I'd try and maintain this type of a relationship is beyond me.

I'm sorry...I don't mean to keep going on and on about this but I really feel like I'm starting to see the big picture. And the only way I could see it was thru a strictly enforced 'no contact' boundary.

Amazing...
Truly amazing...

I'm just so glad I can come here and sort all of this out with all of you. What a blessing!!

Hugs...

hbb

I agree with you...my exabf said he wanted to be "friends" and i thought, i have enough "friends" that WOULDN'T disrespect me, cheat, and lie to me. Friends do not do that sort of stuff and i also wasn't about to clear his guilty conscience

Lightenup

Just sending a hug, Mary


Love, Bets

splendra

It is sad that you have a barbed wire fence set up to protect yourself and he keeps trying to jump it. I don't think it is your fault that he chooses this even though he keeps getting hurt. I am hoping he will see that it is his choices that keep making him hurt...prayers going out for him and you.

greeteachday

Mary, you are not hurting him intentionally...He knows that you are divorced...he knows you want to be healthy and move on. You do not own his feelings. You are not responsibile for whether he is hurt or not. His "hurt" isn't about anything you did that was not right. You only own your feelings...your happiness. I'm so glad you are doing all you can to take care of you and your little guy. Hugs

MeggieStar

((OOAL))

I'll be your friend...want to take the kids to a State football game this fall??

Mavis

I am proud of you Out on a limb. You are very strong. I am sure he will get over it one day. But if this is your decision, stand by it and don't answer his calls.