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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Need a list or something to follow
10 months ago I met the most amazing, beautiful, funny girl I could ever hope to meet... For some reason she liked me 
and I wasted no time in asking her out.
After about 2-3 weeks of dating she tells me about her past...about how she use to drink and smoke weed. She is 15 at this time and I found it all very hard to believe. I am a church going, never touched a beer in my life and dont plan to kind of boy. But she reasssured me that it was all in her past and she went to some camp in Utah that helped her get over her drug and alcohol abuse. So about 5 months into our relationship she calls me and told me she had just gotten drunk...She is crying and I tell her it is ok. But the next day we talk and she promises to never again and I tell her that if she does again we probably wont remain dating just because I am pretty prude about this kind of stuff.
So 5 more months pass and I notice she has been talking with her friends she met in Utah at that camp a lot more. She calls me up and tells me that she doesnt think we can date anymore because she has gone back to being a druggie and knows I cant handle it and doesnt want to prolong the break up. But I tell her I can do it, no worries ( I don't think I can live with it though) and I call her up. When I call she picks up and I here her and her friends doing drugs ( I hear "pass the lighter" and you guys ready to light another up?")
But at this point I am in love with her too much to just walk away...
So I was wondering if there was anything I could do to become more ok with this lifestyle, I really dont want to lose her
and I wasted no time in asking her out.After about 2-3 weeks of dating she tells me about her past...about how she use to drink and smoke weed. She is 15 at this time and I found it all very hard to believe. I am a church going, never touched a beer in my life and dont plan to kind of boy. But she reasssured me that it was all in her past and she went to some camp in Utah that helped her get over her drug and alcohol abuse. So about 5 months into our relationship she calls me and told me she had just gotten drunk...She is crying and I tell her it is ok. But the next day we talk and she promises to never again and I tell her that if she does again we probably wont remain dating just because I am pretty prude about this kind of stuff.
So 5 more months pass and I notice she has been talking with her friends she met in Utah at that camp a lot more. She calls me up and tells me that she doesnt think we can date anymore because she has gone back to being a druggie and knows I cant handle it and doesnt want to prolong the break up. But I tell her I can do it, no worries ( I don't think I can live with it though) and I call her up. When I call she picks up and I here her and her friends doing drugs ( I hear "pass the lighter" and you guys ready to light another up?")
But at this point I am in love with her too much to just walk away...
So I was wondering if there was anything I could do to become more ok with this lifestyle, I really dont want to lose her
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Read the "sticky's" at the top of the forum.. particularily the one titled "what addicts do". This is what you will have to live with if you stay with this girl. There will be lies and deciet. Living with, or being in a relationship with, an addict is very very difficult. You also need to realize that addiction is a progressive disease... meaning it'll get far worse. I think you need to read up on what it is and ask yourself if it is really something that you want to live with. Read around here.. see what others who are living with it are experiencing. Learn all you can about it before you decide it is something that you want to be OK with. Because I'm sure, in the end, you won't be ok with it at all.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Misstheoldher 
I just want to be mentally ok with it.
For her or anyone who is addicted... life is the only thing that can show them how to stop.
You didn't cause her to make such a choice.
You can't stop her from making such choices.
It is something she needs to learn...just as we had to learn how to tie a shoelace.
The sad difference... people can show people how to tie shoes. Only experiencing life's struggles seems to be the only thing that shows people how to stop drugs and alcohol. We need to leave them in God's hands as God uses the experiences of life to change them.
Never starting is the easiest way to stop. You are wise to never wanting to start.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
If love alone could cure an addict, my as and ad would not be addicts today. I would have "loved" them into sobriety.
Life with an addict is a merry-go-round of misery and despair for the people who love them.
_____________________
Trish
Life with an addict is a merry-go-round of misery and despair for the people who love them.
_____________________
Trish
Tired Of Tears
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 24
Misstheoldher,I believe you should be grateful that she has decided to bow out,most addicts dont do that the drain you of everything you have.Im the wife of an addict and it has near drove me out of my mind..Thank God I have the church to turn to.I dont know of anyone who would choose to live with this count your losses and move on.....
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I was not able to love my RAH into sobriety. He made that decision on his own. I had made my decision however, that I did not want to be in an active relationship with an active addict. I understand your feelings because when I first learned that he was still using my only request was to not to it around me nor let it interfere with "our" time.
Addiction is a progressive disease....it receives an inch and takes a mile. I tried to do what you are talking about and it didn't work for me. It was a lot of pain as I bumped from bad scenario to another while he didn't use in front of me. For me, it finally boiled down to emotional sobriety.....I was not able to live happy, joyously, and free while in a relationship with someone in active addiction. It's taken another two years for me to learn how to do that with someone the isn't using drugs. I had to learn to focus on me and stand up for what makes me happy, serence, and secure. I needed a lot of life's lessons to finally get that. For me, it took what it took. I needed to do it my way and it definitely has taken it's toll on me.
You'll know what to do as it all unfolds. The only advice that I really have is to read all of the sticky's at the top of the forum and read the Melody Beattie books on co-depence. Alanon/Naranon meetings are also a huge help. At least make an informed decision in regards of what you are signing onto.
Thinking about you! Donna
Addiction is a progressive disease....it receives an inch and takes a mile. I tried to do what you are talking about and it didn't work for me. It was a lot of pain as I bumped from bad scenario to another while he didn't use in front of me. For me, it finally boiled down to emotional sobriety.....I was not able to live happy, joyously, and free while in a relationship with someone in active addiction. It's taken another two years for me to learn how to do that with someone the isn't using drugs. I had to learn to focus on me and stand up for what makes me happy, serence, and secure. I needed a lot of life's lessons to finally get that. For me, it took what it took. I needed to do it my way and it definitely has taken it's toll on me.
You'll know what to do as it all unfolds. The only advice that I really have is to read all of the sticky's at the top of the forum and read the Melody Beattie books on co-depence. Alanon/Naranon meetings are also a huge help. At least make an informed decision in regards of what you are signing onto.
Thinking about you! Donna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r..i am so glad you have found us...i feel so sad for you.you sound like a one in a million guy & all of a sudden you want to change your life style to suit an addict? with her it is only going to get worse & worse & worse. you wants to bow out because she does not want the kind of life style you live.she is telling you that now.you have a chance to run away from her.she has already been in rehab & she is back to using.this is just going to happen over & over again.she is going to be out with her "friends" smoking her dope & what ever else she wants to do while u are home alone.do you really want that? my son is the addict in my life.he started with alcohol at 17 & by the time he was 23 he was a crack addict(still active) & he was serving his first prison term. he has been in & out of prison since,mostly in, all due to drugs.he is now 36...addicts do anything to get their drug.the women mostly sell their bodies, instead of the breaking & entering. they all steal from everybody they know.read the sticky "what addicts do". read all the post here. you can not help this girl,nobody can until she gets ready to help herself. that means she will sink so low that she will get tired of it. some never do. i will say a prayer for you & for her.keep coming back here.if you decide to keep her in your life we will support you all we can by telling you how to help yourself & keep your sanity. we can help you get thru all the days & nites she will be missing in action. prayers,
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Welcome to SR!!!
My daughter is the addict in my life. I didn't know anything about drug abuse either. Thought I could save her tooooo!! She was an RN. With a son. Well, she ended up losing her son, her job, her car, her apt...and selling herself to get the next fix.
What everyone is telling you is true. Look at the homeless people on the streets, most have lost everything. Addiction is progressive!! You can take that to the bank. It's also predictable.
-Things will get worse
-there will be lying involved
-there will be stealing involved
-jail is inevitable
-death is inevitable
My daughter was a beautiful girl who melted down to 85lbs with track marks running up both arms, selling herself for the demon!!! Neither I or her son could do anything to save her. Did she start like that?? Noooo.
She had a life, a career, a plan for her and her son. She hurt her back at work and got prescribed very serious pain medications. It spiralled out of control, and this is where we are now. I have custody of her son, because although she thought in her drug crazed mind that she was caring for him, she was forgetting to buy food for him. But she sure didn't forget to buy her next fix. She thought she kept her drug use hidden from him, but he saw more than any 11 year old ought to see. And she was a NURSE!!!
Addicts disappear for periods of time when they are deep in their addiction. Just read the posts on here, with the associated heartache we experience because of someone else's addiction. If there were cures....we wouldn't be here. None of us!! Wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, girlfriends, boyfriends, sons, daughters.
RUN!!! You are being given an opportunity to keep your life on track, cause life with an addict is a rollercoaster ride of misery.
Take what you want and leave the rest!
NSw
My daughter is the addict in my life. I didn't know anything about drug abuse either. Thought I could save her tooooo!! She was an RN. With a son. Well, she ended up losing her son, her job, her car, her apt...and selling herself to get the next fix.
What everyone is telling you is true. Look at the homeless people on the streets, most have lost everything. Addiction is progressive!! You can take that to the bank. It's also predictable.
-Things will get worse
-there will be lying involved
-there will be stealing involved
-jail is inevitable
-death is inevitable
My daughter was a beautiful girl who melted down to 85lbs with track marks running up both arms, selling herself for the demon!!! Neither I or her son could do anything to save her. Did she start like that?? Noooo.
She had a life, a career, a plan for her and her son. She hurt her back at work and got prescribed very serious pain medications. It spiralled out of control, and this is where we are now. I have custody of her son, because although she thought in her drug crazed mind that she was caring for him, she was forgetting to buy food for him. But she sure didn't forget to buy her next fix. She thought she kept her drug use hidden from him, but he saw more than any 11 year old ought to see. And she was a NURSE!!!
Addicts disappear for periods of time when they are deep in their addiction. Just read the posts on here, with the associated heartache we experience because of someone else's addiction. If there were cures....we wouldn't be here. None of us!! Wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, girlfriends, boyfriends, sons, daughters.
RUN!!! You are being given an opportunity to keep your life on track, cause life with an addict is a rollercoaster ride of misery.
Take what you want and leave the rest!
NSw
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((misstheoldher))
One of the hardest things to ever do, is not compromise ourselves, our values, our beliefs, our lives, for the people we love.
When you do, you loose a little bit of yourself. Then, the next time, it's so much easier to compromise yourself just a little bit more. Each time you do that, you loose a little bit more respect for yourself, until eventually you've lost yourself totally and are wondering what happened.
We do this sometimes because the pain of loosing someone we love is greater that the pain involved with changing our bounderies, molding ourselves to someone else.
Take it from a professional of molding, eventually the pain that you finelly have to address is worse than anything you can imagine. I don't want to see you go down that road. I would like to spare anyone that pain.
Please think about why you are willing to take less than you deserve for someone else. I know, your first answer is because you love her so much. To truelly love her though requires you love and respect yourself. Compromising your beliefs takes a little bit of your soul. Is the price really worth it?
Addiction is a progressive disease. They don't want to go deeper into it, but they do. They don't really want to hurt you, but they do. You will always know in the back of your brain, she's doing this.....and this, and this. What else is she doing. Where is she. Who is she with. What has happened to my life. Where did it all go wrong. It all went wrong, right here right now when you made the decision that you could possibly accept less than, that you could handle being second in a relationship that ultimately would always love drugs more.
Are you ready for that? In your head you really know the right answer, you are just fighting with your heart right now.
My prayers for you, are that you are guided, that what ever you decide, that the pain be minimal.
All said with concern and caring.
B
One of the hardest things to ever do, is not compromise ourselves, our values, our beliefs, our lives, for the people we love.
When you do, you loose a little bit of yourself. Then, the next time, it's so much easier to compromise yourself just a little bit more. Each time you do that, you loose a little bit more respect for yourself, until eventually you've lost yourself totally and are wondering what happened.
We do this sometimes because the pain of loosing someone we love is greater that the pain involved with changing our bounderies, molding ourselves to someone else.
Take it from a professional of molding, eventually the pain that you finelly have to address is worse than anything you can imagine. I don't want to see you go down that road. I would like to spare anyone that pain.
Please think about why you are willing to take less than you deserve for someone else. I know, your first answer is because you love her so much. To truelly love her though requires you love and respect yourself. Compromising your beliefs takes a little bit of your soul. Is the price really worth it?
Addiction is a progressive disease. They don't want to go deeper into it, but they do. They don't really want to hurt you, but they do. You will always know in the back of your brain, she's doing this.....and this, and this. What else is she doing. Where is she. Who is she with. What has happened to my life. Where did it all go wrong. It all went wrong, right here right now when you made the decision that you could possibly accept less than, that you could handle being second in a relationship that ultimately would always love drugs more.
Are you ready for that? In your head you really know the right answer, you are just fighting with your heart right now.
My prayers for you, are that you are guided, that what ever you decide, that the pain be minimal.
All said with concern and caring.
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((Misstheoldher)) Try not to let your heart rule your head on this one. I know all too well the pain that is involved in loving an addict. I am the mother of one, but none the less I love her with every fiber of my being. You can walk away. Her addiction will take you to places you thought you'd never be in. I don't mean physically....I mean emotionally. I know you fell in love, but love cannot conquer this.
Stay strong and don't compromise your beliefs.
Hugs.............Lo
Stay strong and don't compromise your beliefs.
Hugs.............Lo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Misstheoldher,
My biggest worry in this situation is that you would go from tolerating her behavior to experimenting with her substances so she'll feel more comfortable around you, and the next thing you know, you'll be an addict too. Then you'll be the one stealing from your parents and friends, running the risk every single day of being picked up by the police and not leaving jail for the next 10-15 years, missing out on some of the best years of your life, and maybe even sacrificing your long term future or worse... killing yourself accidentally, as several of these street drugs are concoctions of the actual substance mixed with poisons, etc... as "fillers." Not to mention anything else that is in the sticky about "what addicts do"... yep, if you're not careful, you could easily end up doing those things right along with her, if you're not simply left with the pain she causes you in the process.
Let me ask you something... do her parents know she's using drugs? If you truly care about her, the biggest thing you can do to help her is to tell her parents now, while she's still young enough that they can make her get help. In just a couple of short years, there will be nothing they can do but agonize over her behavior... Yes, she'll be upset with you, but you could very well save her life by going to them. Besides, if she's already broken up with you, you really shouldn't worry so much about her feelings. She's an addict. Her feelings, quite frankly, won't make sense, because of the effect the drugs are having on her brain.
Either way, I hope and pray that you find the strength to move on with your life... if you are this much attached to someone who doesn't want you because you're doing the right thing, imagine how much better a relationship will be with someone who adores you for doing the right thing? Trust me, it'll be worth it to move on now.
*hugs and prayers*
My biggest worry in this situation is that you would go from tolerating her behavior to experimenting with her substances so she'll feel more comfortable around you, and the next thing you know, you'll be an addict too. Then you'll be the one stealing from your parents and friends, running the risk every single day of being picked up by the police and not leaving jail for the next 10-15 years, missing out on some of the best years of your life, and maybe even sacrificing your long term future or worse... killing yourself accidentally, as several of these street drugs are concoctions of the actual substance mixed with poisons, etc... as "fillers." Not to mention anything else that is in the sticky about "what addicts do"... yep, if you're not careful, you could easily end up doing those things right along with her, if you're not simply left with the pain she causes you in the process.
Let me ask you something... do her parents know she's using drugs? If you truly care about her, the biggest thing you can do to help her is to tell her parents now, while she's still young enough that they can make her get help. In just a couple of short years, there will be nothing they can do but agonize over her behavior... Yes, she'll be upset with you, but you could very well save her life by going to them. Besides, if she's already broken up with you, you really shouldn't worry so much about her feelings. She's an addict. Her feelings, quite frankly, won't make sense, because of the effect the drugs are having on her brain.
Either way, I hope and pray that you find the strength to move on with your life... if you are this much attached to someone who doesn't want you because you're doing the right thing, imagine how much better a relationship will be with someone who adores you for doing the right thing? Trust me, it'll be worth it to move on now.
*hugs and prayers*
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Is this the woman you are choosing to mother your children...an addict?
infidelity and addiction should be deal breakers when dating. Morals, values and lifestyle need to be the same. You know this is a mistake so listen to yourself.
infidelity and addiction should be deal breakers when dating. Morals, values and lifestyle need to be the same. You know this is a mistake so listen to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Do not walk away from her....RUN! RUN! RUN!
you won't change her but she will surely change you
I would not wish life with an addict on my worse enemy
I am the mom of an addicted son...his long term girlfriend had to walk away and she did it with my understanding...
she couldn't save him but he could have destroyed her
please heed the advice of all previous posts....
Please leave but alert her parents as you go.....I wish I'd known about my son's addiction early in the game....I might have been able to avoid some of the pain that followed...(by getting him to rehab while still a minor...)
you won't change her but she will surely change you
I would not wish life with an addict on my worse enemy
I am the mom of an addicted son...his long term girlfriend had to walk away and she did it with my understanding...
she couldn't save him but he could have destroyed her
please heed the advice of all previous posts....
Please leave but alert her parents as you go.....I wish I'd known about my son's addiction early in the game....I might have been able to avoid some of the pain that followed...(by getting him to rehab while still a minor...)
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
I'm going to be really honest with you, if this girl like to 'party' and you don't, a relationship with her is not going to work out.
People who do drugs and drink regularily like to be around others who do the same.
If you continue to see her, there is a good chance that she will end up dumping you for a guy who does the things she likes to do, and there is a good chance that she will cheat on you while she is intoxicated.
I think you are setting yourself up for pain and heartache. Just my insight on it, as I used to be the party girl when I was younger and I know how I was then...I dumped a 'straight' boyfriend because he just bored me and my pot head friends couldn't understand why I wanted to be with such a 'square'.
The sooner you break up, the less it will hurt-it sounds like she is already trying to tell you this, listen.
There's lots of other pretty, funny girls out there who would be more compatible with you.
hugs, Lisa
People who do drugs and drink regularily like to be around others who do the same.
If you continue to see her, there is a good chance that she will end up dumping you for a guy who does the things she likes to do, and there is a good chance that she will cheat on you while she is intoxicated.
I think you are setting yourself up for pain and heartache. Just my insight on it, as I used to be the party girl when I was younger and I know how I was then...I dumped a 'straight' boyfriend because he just bored me and my pot head friends couldn't understand why I wanted to be with such a 'square'.
The sooner you break up, the less it will hurt-it sounds like she is already trying to tell you this, listen.
There's lots of other pretty, funny girls out there who would be more compatible with you.
hugs, Lisa
Last edited by raerae6; 07-29-2007 at 12:32 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 113
I think you're on the wrong forum. Nobody here is "okay" with the lifestyle. It's not about adjusting to "their" way of living. It's about making a BETTER life for YOU (and your CHILDREN, if are or will be any).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
welcome, i agree with everyone above, you will find lots of great support and advice here.
i want to emphasize what lady said about telling her parents about the using. my recovering addict husband started using at 15yrs old and if someone had intervened then, he may have been spared the last 17yrs of hell that he has been thru. your friend is really still a child and her parents can get her help, please tell them, and then for yourself, learn all you can about addiction, detachment and letting go if you decide to stay a part of her life. but as someone who has been thru it all, my advice would be to distance yourself as much as you can from her until she gets help and is clean.
i want to emphasize what lady said about telling her parents about the using. my recovering addict husband started using at 15yrs old and if someone had intervened then, he may have been spared the last 17yrs of hell that he has been thru. your friend is really still a child and her parents can get her help, please tell them, and then for yourself, learn all you can about addiction, detachment and letting go if you decide to stay a part of her life. but as someone who has been thru it all, my advice would be to distance yourself as much as you can from her until she gets help and is clean.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Don't be o.k with her lifestyle. It is NOT o.k. Don't ever sell yourself short, or convince yourself you can't do better. You can not save her. But you can change yourself. Focus on the girl you deserve and need. ( a clean, non-drinker, drug abuser)
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