Wascally Wabbit

I posted this in ACOA, but I am hoping for a lot of help on this, The decision whether to live with my mother or not.
So here goes:

My mother is a RA for 30 years. To make a long story short, she was the worse kind of drunk. You know, hateful, mean to the point I left home at 17. My sister will have nothing to do with her in the last 15 years. She even thinks of our mother as already dead.
Even tho she's "recovered, recovering", she still exibits many of the behaviors that make both of us not want to be around her.

I am 52 she is 77. Some of the things she did to me are things that were life changing in a horrid way. So, I lost all respect for her.

She's been single since my dad died in 1969.
When she's with all her AA friends, or other family she is absolutely the most helpful, kind person you could know. Her manners are absolutely impeccable.

When she's around me, it's constant complaining, constantly trying to gain control over me and I just can't stand it! If I tell her to back off, she gets "sick" and can't talk anymore. She does things that would make anyone cringe. Like when we went into a store and there was a mirror where she looked in and started squeezing her pores, right ther in front of everyone! Or coughs and spits right there on the sidewalk with me there too. These kind of things make me not want to be around her. She would NEVER EVER do this kind of thing around her friends in AA, so why does she do this around me? She's like Jeckyl and Hyde.

Now, she is complaining daily that she is sick. Getting old. She stays sick with allergies and is staying with a nephew and her sister. Oh, how wonderful they are she allways says! There is never a day she isn't telling me how wonderful someone else is.

Yet never offers me one single compliment in my whole entire life! And to top it off has been nothing but negative about every single good thing I tried to do with my life.

When someone does something nice for her, she expects me to call that person and thank them for helping my mother! This I don't understand.

Lately, she has decided she needs me to take care of her. She is not unable to take care of her self but she wants to move in with me, and buy a house together. This scares the hell out of me!

I can't take it. I know I would be insane with in a week with her constant demands. She would have me at her beck and call for everything.

But, here's the kicker. I feel tremendously GUILTY for feeling this way! I should take her in, but my peace would be gone.

She has never apologized to me or my sister for what she did to us while she was a drunk, and acts as if nothing ever happened! So much for the 9th step.

What would you do? I am confused on what to do and how to feel. Normally, I have an answer for everything, but I just don't know how to deal with my own mother.

Lobo

Wascally, This is really a tough one. I think as long as she can live by herself or someone else that she gets along with then let it be. You have had so much to deal with in your own family with your kids. You deserve to have peace. I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. I don't mean to be sarcastic but it doesn't sound like your mom is going to win the mother of the year award. I also don't mean that you shouldn't help her. I think you should do what is comfortable for you.
Maybe you could have her come and spend some week-ends sometimes. Who knows just maybe she won't want to live with you. Really think this one over before you jump into anything. Remember you still have to take care of you.

Here's to making good decisions...........Lois

jeepgirl

With her AA friends she needs to be on "guard". With you, the line is blurred, she is completely herself - pimples and all. I think this is an opportunity for a heart to heart. You do not need to bring up the past - there is nothing she can do about that, but you can tell her how you feel about today... that you love her, but that you and her could never live together without her driving you crazy! (or driving each other crazy)
Who knows, perhaps you'll come to an understanding.
love, jeep

ps - Ill bet most of us would have a hard time going back to living under mom's thumb.

GiveLove

Wascally,
Sorry you're in this dilemma
You won't want to listen to me, because I have a peculiar take on life. My peace of mind -- the tranquility that I build into every day -- is the most important thing I own. More important than feeling like a good wife/daughter/sister, more important than making piles of money, more important than anything. It's the space that I've finally finally created for myself, the space where I can think, write, pray, live my way, and do the things that god put me down on this earth to do.

I could never, ever do what you're proposing. Do something that I don't want to do, because someone has decided that's what SHE needs me to do? Live with someone whose normal day-to-day habits drive me out of my mind?

I understand the guilt feelings, but it's all a matter of priorities. Will you be able to live the life you want while living with your mom? Will you be able to do what you were put here to do? If so, then sure, I'd have that heart-to-heart and try to clear the air, etc. If not, I'd put an end to these speculations. It's incredibly hard to say, "I'm sorry, I know this sounds like a good situation for you, but I value my independence and I need to live my life in a different way" but if it's what you feel, you've got to work on the courage to say it.

Just my two cents' worth.....
Hugs,
GL (also ACoA)

dixied

Hi Wascally,

listen to your inner voice. you already know your answer. no one can take advantage of you unless you ALLOW them. listen to me my dear.......run, don't walk to the nearest exit!! this will not turn out well. your mom if push came to shove could find someone to live with.....perhaps an AA member. that might be an avenue. If you allow her to move in or buy something ,such as a home with you........well, you are flirting with disaster. There would have to be too many rules in play from the beginning. tell her it wouldn't be easy for either of you and you're looking out for both your best interests down the road. you've come too far to backtrack now.....you asked......it isn't a good idea.....I'd live n a tiny small apartment befor I'd do a house with mom........IMHO..........dixie (take care of YOU!)

ladyamalthea

Wascally,

I would not move in with her if it was me in your shoes. I understand the guilt thing, but do I agree with it? No! You deserve to be happy, and living with your mom will obviously not accomplish that.

Simplistic, but it's my take on it.

*hugs and prayers*

dollydo

Wascally,

Sounds like you are describing my Mother. Although, she still drinks at age 82.

I couldn't and wouldn't live with my Mom, I'd be in the looney bin in a month.

She has always put herself first, made her own choices with no real concern for how they affected others, including her children, so, I've put my guilt aside and make the best choices for me, that includes never living with her. She has lived her life on her own terms, and I now live mine.

Make the right decision for you, your well being.

notsleepingwell

Well, here is my 2 cents. I think we owe our mothers a leetle something. Does that mean moving in? NO! Just perhaps keeping an eye on them to make sure they have food, care etc. I think that is something we all can do. More than that? Nope. She also made choices.

And you are obligated to give her the above, nothing more
NSW

bookmiser

(((((((Wascally)))))))))

Sorry you've been put in this position.
I know that place well. Guilt!
When I was married to my first husband, (alcoholic) I left after 10 years.
My son was 8, my daughter 3. At the time my mother was separated from her 2nd husband. (also an alcoholic)
My mother started drinking after she divorced my father. I was 9.
She immediately hooked up with stepdaddy. They were together, I'm thinkin', about 15 years. They drank together, separated, got back together. The same thing I did with my exah. Fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, they say.
Anyway, after I was divorced about 3 years, my mother thought it would be best if we lived together. She offered to babysit while I worked and she would work at night. (bartending)
I agreed. She was my mom.
She continued to drink daily. Her disposition toward my kids was one of worship.
They were her favorite grandkids. (she had 9)
I have to admit, even though she secretly drank, she did take good care of my kids.
I'd get home from work and you wouldn't be able to tell that she had drank most of the day. The kids never knew. She was a seasoned alcoholic.
We lived together like that for years. One day I got up to go to work. The kids were spending the weekend with their dad. Yeah, big mistake on my part.
It was another time, another life, and I was young. Young around her, anyway.
Anyway, I went to work and she was sleeping on the couch.
When I got home from work, she was still there. I woke her up. She seemed lethargic and out of it. I thought she was drunk. I was scared and called my brother.
He came over and we took her to the hospital. She could barely talk.
Turns out she'd had a massive stroke and psorosis of the liver. Within days, her internal organs began shutting down. In one week, my mom was gone.
That's just my experience living with an alcoholic mother.
I can't tell you what to do about your own mother, but I wouldn't trade that time with my mom for the world. Talk with God. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision.
Sending thoughts and prayers out to you today.
Linda

Elana

What Give Love said.
Sorry you are going thru this, but Guilt is a SELF INFLICTED Emotion.

I would not do it, for guilt or love or money.

Frog_2hop

If she is capable of still living on her own, and is capable of helping to 'buy' a home....maybe an appartment in a a retirement facility would be good. She would still be independant, have people around her, and still have enough distance between you that you cannot be sucked into the emotional hooks she still has over you. I agree with "notsleepingwell" we do owe our parents a little something, in fact the Bible even teaches us to honor them - even if they haven't been the best of parents....however honoring your mother doesn't mean you have to jump back into an unhealthy living environment. She has other options. Having this conversation with her may be difficult, she may say she is 'sick' and can't talk....but it might be just one more step in your own personally healing from the past.

parentrecovers

just sending hugs and support - me and my friends are at the age where we are starting to have to deal with our parent's aging issues. i understand. blessings, k

BigSis

First thing, I think I would do a 4th step on my mom. Actually - I DID do a 4th step on my mom just a few months ago.

I wrote down -

What she did
How it made me feel
What I did in response


You know what I found out? I didn't have the kind of mom that I expected. She did not fulfill MY expectations of a "good" mom... and that I based a lot of those expectations on what I saw that others had.

I never, ever, accepted my mom as she is. I never loved her unconditionally. She just continued to never measure up.

Man.... I just read that again, and I still blush thinking about it.

After sharing this with my sponsor, and reading over my 4th step stuff again, and praying about it... I've come to believe that I can't have those expectations about my mom.

And what she does is NOT a reflection on who I am.

That was a hard one. Folks really do not look at my mom and then to me and think... anything, really.

My mom is 70 this year (I will be 51). I personally think mom has several good years left in her, and even though mine has ALSO been sober for over 25 years, I also do not believe we could share a home (at least right now).

What I do know, is that I can treat my mom better. I can "act as if" and "fake it 'till I make it".

I can offer my mom a hug an a kiss when we meet and part...even when I don't want to.

I can buy my mom sweet and sentimental cards at her birthday and holidays ... even when I don't want to.

I can treat my mom like the mom she never was... even when I don't want to.


It may not change a thing in how she behaves... but then, it might.

It has for others in program.

I urge you to give it a try. Perhaps put the idea of moving in with anyone on the back burner, for now. But be a bit attentive to her need for attention - solicitous about her doctor appointments and ailments.... just try to listen without judgements even when her complaints seem unfounded and attention getting.

This sort of footwork is what my sponsor suggests to me. I hope it works for you as well.

Please know you are in my prayers, WW... I see a lot of me in you. (((hugs)))

Biscuits

Just sending you lots of love, i have been where you are and i discovered that i am not responsible for my mothers happiness just as she is not responsible for mine.

I have learnt keep my boundaries up all the time around my relationship with my mother, for some reason she is the only one who can push my emtional buttons probably because deep down i really want the loving mother and daughter relationship that i see in old time movies. I dream of the day when she will hug me and tell me she loves me! heck she ain't done it in 65years so i am not holding out to much hope.

Anyhow my recovery comes first, i cannot afford to pick up resentment and anger towards my mother as this leads me backwards into my desease. I said i would go to any lengths to recover and that includes not caretaking others when they are capable of looking after themselves.

lightseeker

As I read your post I was able to nod my head yes in sympathy and understanding. My experience with those kind of feelings is that when I am feeling like that it means that I am participating in an emotionally abusive relationship. People live in different realities and I always tend to try and explain mine and understand their's......acceptance does not mean approval and it's important to take care of ourselves first. If I don't do that then nothing else is going to work for any length of time anyway. Family relationships - especially mother/daughter ties have a lot of old baggage and tapes.....it's hard to remain clear. If a friend were treating you this way - what would you do and how would you handle it? Just because some is your mother, friend, lover, child doesn't mean that you must put up with intolerable treatment. Detaching with love might be an option. I don't know all the circumstances but do you have a sponsor that you could eek a plan out with?

The situation that you are in is tough and I can hear all the different "voices" talking to you. It's obvious that you care for her but I can hear "recovery girl" saying this isn't going to be good for you to get involved with direct caregiving. Are there any community social services that can help to advise you on different options? Remember, there is just so much that any of us can say grace over and remain emotionally sober. Your mother is a prime example that not using doesn't mean that all is well................you've received excellent thoughts ahead of my posting....this is just my 2 cents to add.

Mainly, I just want to send out love and compassion and let you know that I truly do hear your quandry and that you are seeking out what is the "next right thing to do". Just make sure that includes you and your family.

Love, Donna

cece1960

(((Wascally))))
I think in your heart you know the answer, you just have guilt because of it.

Sometimes I wonder how my genration handles all of the guilt...am I a good parent...am I a good daughter...am I a good friend, GF wife etc? Once these feelings take hold we forget that often first and foremost is being good to ourselves.

There are many very very good assisted living homes that will allow your Mom interaction with others her age. My Father was placed in a nursing home after a debilitation stroke this past spring. It was an easy decidion, because his health problems would not allow him to return home (he lived with my sister). If he was able to come home, my sister and I had decided it was not a good idea. It was too much strain on my sister, who was trying to raise her family of two teen boys. I had to ask myself "Is this something I would ask of my kids?" The answer was no, and still is no.

Prayers for peace and clarity
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Wascally Wabbit

I can't begin to express my thanks to every single one of you who replied. I have been going crazy with this and you have all helped me tremendously.
I have pondered each reply and found that I can make a decision to take care of me first, and honor my mother as well.
Huge hugs to you all.

Mindy

I was in almost the same situation. DON'T do it. I went to my mother in her last year on my terms and ended up getting extremly hurt. I was the ultimate caretaker. When I would leave she would stab me in the back time and time again. When I knew she was too sick to be mean I took her in. That lasted 1 day then she was in and out of the hospital and nursing homes for about 3 months, then she died. I was the only one out of 4 children that pretty much stayed with her for those last months. She started giving things away to the my siblings. I didn't and have never cared what I received until one day after she was giving things to them she turned to me and said "here Linda you can have this lighter", trust me it was no heirloom Bic. I was always the one to help her. I have a real hard time getting past that, not to mention all of the other lifetime hurts. To me that was how much she loved or cared about me, not the value of the gift.

Lot more to the whole story but I guess be prepared to be hurt real big if you do.
Hope you the best and good luck
Linda

hope213

i like bigsis answer.what i must add is, do not feel guility about her if you decide to not ever live with her. you are in recovery & what is it about? learning to take care of ourselves.hugs & prayers,

Wascally Wabbit

You're right. I am in recovery and if I let her in my space, my recovery will go right down the tubes and I will be at square one again.
Her recovery has always been a "me first" kind of thing to the point of extreme selfishness.