oneeyeopen

this is what my girlfriend wants me to post all over my house so that I will remember to stop letting the abf into my life.

we all know the story, he dumps me, I cry and he comes back, vice versa...then, he does drugs or drinks and we continue in the maze that my father observed the other day the abf and I can not find our way out of.

well. after a week of little contact (newest abf get clean method -- hide in basement and don't do anything or come out or have any contact with anyone..HA) he calls me at 3AM and asks me to come over after work the next day and to stay a few days. In addition he says, lets just enjoy time together, not talk about any of the crap between us -- money, drugs, drinking, past pain...etc. I agree, but I am thinking, will he actually want me there? the last time he did this I showed up and he changed his mind and asked me to leave 10 minutes after I got there. SO SO, I prepare myself for the big brush off, and I call him in the morning to check again. well, then he raises the question of 220 bucks that I had that were technically his. Now I kept them to pay some bills, and you know, I thought to myself, he has stolen from me, he owes me 6000 bucks, so why should I give this money back to him. So he has a hissy fit. Man, addicts are so quick to take your money and not pay you back, but crap, if you take theirs, they really freak.

when I am done with work I call just to double check that he wants me there. and he says yes, he wants me to come...so, okay evening, okay night, although a bit tense but we stick to our no-talking about the crap agreement. then this morning, I get up and he is still asleep and I figure I will take a walk and come back, and he wakes up as I am putting some clothes on and asks me what I am doing, when I tell him, he says, "then you might as well take your stuff and leave." and he tells me that the 220 dollar thing has proven to him that he shouldn't have a relationship with me.

long story, I twig out, cry, beg, all the usual crap.

then I finally leave...and I was thinking to myself, time to get honest, and I looked back over things and had to admit to myself that he just manipulates me and makes me feel bad about myself, and has since the beginning, and I have been letting him suck me dry, financially and emotionally, and here I am, I have alienated friends, defended him, lied about the things he has done, protected him, enabled him, etc etc etc. and mostly it is because I am so damned scared of being alone, I am too exhausted with my life to bother to go looking for anyone new, I don't want to take the pain a final break up so I take the pain of being involved with an addict.

so I call my friend and she says, you have to post a sign saying not to let the vampires through the door because if you don't let them in then they can't suck you dry.

and you know what -- he calls me later and asks me to come back, and that I have to realize that when he is sober he is an jerk and can't handle his emotions, and that if he was able to drink then he would be fine and that I should bring him a bottle of vodka!!!!!! cripes! I tell him I will come back but I sure as heck am not bringing vodka with me, and, he tells me not to come (yup, the bottle of vodka was more important than me, if he can't have me with the bottle, then he doesn't want me at all)

so, I just said, no, I wasn't going to come (step one) and he says "boy, you sure are not as upset as you said" in other words, I am supposed to be so desperate that I will bring him the vodka just to be with him.

okay. I said NO!!! so that was step one. then, I took step 2 -- we have a cell phone plan together -- I added him (stupid) and he was supposed to pay his half of the bill but he never did and I just let him get away with it, so despite the 175 buck charge I call up att and have them turn off that phone. this means, I can't contact him!

and, step 3-- I got home and changed all my passwords so that anything he might have been able to get into he can no longer get into (mind you he actually is somewhat of a computer hacker and probably could anyway.

and I went to the hair dresser, and I rented movies and now I am going to go for a walk, and ...who knows what, one day at a time, just get through today without trying to contact him or forgiving him or falling apart over a heart broken by an addict. Just for tonight, I will not fall apart, if I want to fall apart and go running back to him, I can do it tomorrow, for tonight, I don't and I deal with what happens tomorrow when it comes, and then, I try to get through that too.

I know this was long, and honestly, no one needs to reply, I just wanted to write this, to get it off my chest, to help me cement what a jerk he is (seeing it in black and white, my own writing) and that I do not deserve this pain, and that he does not deserve my affection and attention and money and time and resources.

thanks gang.

happy33

Wow, thank you so much for writing that. I feel like I could have almost written it myself.

I was just on the phone with a girlfriend who is gently (she's so sweet) trying to help me see how much better things are without an ABF living in my home.

It's so hard to let go and I am sure I am not there yet, but I have not replied to the two text messages he has sent me in the past hour letting me know that it is my fault that his client was upset with him for being late to work!! Really???

Anyways, good for you and hang in there. Please feel free to PM me anytime, I'm happy just to listen if it'll help.

It seems all we can do is help one another as our A's are not capable of helping us no matter how much they might really want to deep down inside ..... they can't even help themselves much less someone else.

oneeyeopen

well, here is something the abf said to me as I was sobbing in his driveway "I don't want to take care of a woman" HA, what a surprise! In fact, one of the things that attracted him to me is that he thought I was strong! in other words he wouldn't need to do any caring for a woman because I would be able to take care of myself.

fact is, they want someone to take care of them, the reason for every addict to have a codependent. thing is I am a pretty rotten codependent since I am almost as self-centered as an addict...this I think causes him to try to manipulate me and convince me that I am not the girl I really am but rather the girl he would want me to be.

and here I am in therapy so that I can discover that about myself and become that perfect codependent (therapy was his suggestion because I had issues that kept me from being what he thought I was..) but the fact is, all I keep discovering is that, no matter how much I try to become that person I keep being the person that I am, slightly self-centered and selfish yet I want to be taken care of to some extent -- to have a man that can be a companion and that will care for me as I care for him. and my therapist keeps saying to me "we have to figure out what attracts you to a man that is unreliable and can't meet your needs." HA!

Gosh, I could ramble on about this for pages and pages. Writing always really helps me sort things out.

oneeyeopen

new feeling -- got an email from the abf, he tried to get into our att account -- the online thing, and then writes to say he can't get into it and figures I am mad at him and that he will leave me alone and I should leave him alone..well, how does checking up on my phone records equal leaving me alone???? HA HA, and he was the one that took the sim card out of his phone, handed it to me and told me to turn the phone off. so, no phone with me, why should he get to dig around in my phone records. SO I sit there and think about writing some clever e-mail, like, "not about anger, all about privacy" or something like that, and then I sit there thinking A--replying is like encouraging continuing communication, and B--reality is I have nothing to say to him. Now in the past I would have been all excited that he wrote and seen it as an opening to a reconciliation and I would have written an apologetic e-mail and taken all the problems onto my head... and now, nothing to say, no desire for contact. (tonight at any rate)

GiveLove

Little by little, oneeye, you will regain your dignity and your self-respect.

One day at a time.

Remember: in order for the vampires to get to you, YOU HAVE TO INVITE THEM IN.

Hugs,
GL

krhea75

You go girl!
krhea

Noah812

Open this guy sounds like a complete and utter horses ass. I don't know your age but I have notice that young men now days treat thier GF pretty poorly and young women take it seems like. I am glad you did not buy him a bottle of booze so he would spend time with you and see you. That would have really pissed me off...like you needed to pay someone to spend time with you. Not unlike another illegal business I can think of. It seems we all hold out a vision of fixing our addict or our lthat we will leave jsut when the addict gets better, kinda like the fish always start biting just when I quit fishing!!! You know I am not sure how many addicts ever do get better but is it you responsibility to wait for or fix him. This guy seems to be a giant a-hole on top of being an addict and you can do so much better I am sure. It is not your fault that you were chosen by this freak addict to be victimised by him so he can do drugs...its his fault and should be criminal. Keep doing what your doing and let this freak go. Your not married or pregnant...there are 3,000,000,000 plus guys on this planet and most are better than this. Good luck to you and keep your head up.