loverof1

First of all, I should say that I let very few people into my circle because very few people have that quality that makes them so important. Through this experience of dealing with my husband (alcohol abuser) I have had painful experiences with our friends and pretty much found out who was my friend...and who was his. It is heart breaking when you find out that someone you trusted for years is really just an enabler or fairweather. I find my circle of friends shrinking with every episode he has. The problem is that they all drink. Im the black sheep because I dont. Go figure.

I just want to know if any of you have experienced the loss of what you though were close friends while going through relationship meltdowns with your significant other.

I work out of my home so it is hard for me to find friends anyway, but this just takes the cake.

p.s.
Hubby talked everything over with his/our friends and said everything is fine. The thing is that...I dont feel everything is fine. I feel betrayed by his/our friends because to me.... a true friend is there through thick and thin. They were/are not.

Am I really that bad?

denny57

I believe this was the topic my first post was about.

Along the path, I've lost some friends (all the drinkers) and kept the others. I've also made so many more this past year. As I open up my heart and mind, I find there are plenty of people who have what it takes to be in my circle. I love them all.

hbb

(((Loverof1))) I'm sorry your going through this. I am going through a similar situation with my best friend, over the past year or so we have been drifting because of reasons i don't agree with in her family situation. I have distanced myself from her on purpose because i find she's not "healthy" for me to be around. She blasted me over the weekend on email saying she was sorry about my break up but basically get over it and that i should be confiding in her and she was giving up on our friendship because I've changed and she hasn't.....you know what, whatever, let those friends go, they are not true friends.

You sound like a very caring person, and like you said you feel like the outcast, thats how i felt, all my xrabf's friends are major drunks. Your better than them/that, you know who your true friends are. They are not friends, like my friend who is all about herself. You don't need those kinds of friendships hang in there, take care.

heather

LGLG07

I know this pain all too well .. I have lost friends due to ah's drinking and although I know in my heart that they were never true friends to me , or worthy of my friendship, it still hurt .

Nobody knows but you what its been like to live with your ah , nobody has any right to pass judgement on you until they walk a mile in your shoes and if they do judge you then they are saying more about themselves then they are about you .

You stick to your guns and keep living to suit YOU . You are better off finding out now who you can depend on and who you cant .

Lots of luck

cmc

My experience with friends has been similar even though it's my son who is in recovery. My recovery and my changes have not been welcome with some of my older friends, and I have moved on over many years to find I make better choices in that area of my life. I found that alot of my relationships were 'uneven' because of my codependency and when I began to change some people were not ready for the 'new me.'

You didn't say what makes you feel that they are not your friends anymore, but I can share from my experience that most of it involved my lack of boundaries. For those people who realized and appreciated my boundaries, I have remained close to.

These 'friends' of yours and his...only know what you or he tell them and it is a choice you have to keep them out of your affairs even if your husband chooses to tell them all about your business. It's a like a broken record what alot of us in anon recovery say: "I can't control what another person chooses...but I can control what I choose to allow or do." That would include what your husband does/says as well as the friends.

I learned I had to realize that sometimes getting better means I have to leave some things and people behind because I have outgrown them and/or they aren't good for me anymore. There were a few relationships that would have drained me dry if I had allowed them to continue. I am strong enough now to recognize and rid myself of toxic relationships.

loverof1

I have never involved them in our relationship problems, but I felt that as a woman that we could talk about just about anything. She has come to me with issues in her home and I allowed her to vent and offered only support for her and an ear to listen. I thought that was the kind of relationship we had, but I was wrong. I called her a couple of weeks ago to go get a cup of coffee. I have always enjoyed talking with her, but she readily snapped at me and said that she doesnt want to see either of us until we figure things out and that she doesnt want to be a part of it. I was stunned. I called for a happy cup of coffee and she blew up. Having never included her in our problems I didnt expect that at all. The other friends irritated me because the last time hubby went out on an angry binge he spent the night there...not a word from either of them to let me know that he was safe. They provide the booze and laughs and that makes me into the monster.

If they were truly my friend...or his for that matter..I would think that one of them would say something, but no one wants to say anything because they might have to admit that maybe they have a problem too.

Im just tired of getting the (chitty) end of the stick.

We start marriage counceling this week. Our councelor is an AODA councelor who also specializes in marriage issues so I think at least we are going to someone who knows what in the heck is going on. I sure dont.

Astro

Sadly, I've found out even in recovery that some of the people I trusted were fairweather friends. Not everyone reaches a healthy place or has the continual desire to attain it. While I still see them every day they are no longer there for me, and while the loss of a friendship hurts it allows me to work on detaching with love.
True friends do remain, I treasure what we share together.

When I sobered up the only friends that remained other than my family were a small handful and my co-workers, but being in the program of AA has opened up my heart to so many new people, I look forward every day to seeing my "family" at a meeting.

I often ask myself too "am I that bad?", but the fact is I've just made a few poor choices in the friends I sought out, and it's given me pause as I create new friendships in going forward. I'm just a little more careful as I gain new experience.

Cheyne

No you are not the bad one, and yes, I lost "friends" when having problems with the xABF. I am also a black sheep who doesn't drink.

I have spent a fair amount of time wondering how people can think it's ok to let a friend drink themselves to death. It's weird . . . they don't seem to see their own denial and enabling conduct. It's very frustrating and disappointing.

IMHO, part of it is the alcoholic's finely tuned expertise at compartmentalizing. Friends just may not believe how the A behaves in private, because the A is very good at keeping it private.

And I think part of it, too, is that they choose not to get it. They choose not to learn about the science of addiction, and how some people are just not genetically equipped to handle alcohol they way they can. They choose not to learn about it because they don't want to deal with the social awkwardness of being frank with a friend who has a progressive disease.

And part of it may be that since they drink themselves, they just aren't as observant. They don't notice the little changes and nuances that tell you the A is getting sicker.

It's not fun raising the subject to a broader circle of acquaintance. So yes, I know what it is to seek support from friends and be rejected. But if the fair weather friends help the A get worse and worse, the fair weather isn't going to last very long.

Friends seemed more willing to talk to the xABF if I just said very matter-of-factly the facts about what was happening ("xABF is drinking more and more and says he is very unhappy"). If they expressed concern and asked me what was happening, I just said, ask him yourself. Going into details was not helpful. I think they needed to decide for themselves.

IMHO, it's not good to let yourself get isolated. It sounds like you are at a stage in a relationship where your social circle is shrinking down to the A and the A's friends who also drink. This happened with us, too.

Maybe you can find a few more black sheep to let into your circle?

loverof1

The part that I find so frustrating is that I am very very careful about who gets into my circle. Im very disappointed that they have put blinders on and decided to be fairweather friends. Such a disappointment. What a loss....for them that is. It hurts yes, but I know what real friends are...unfortunately mine are so far away.

Astro

I'm hurting too over similar situations, and every day I try to remind myself that that is their cross to bear. And then I ask myself whether they were ever true friends at all.

MTBChick

I have finally gotten to that stage of acceptance. My exabf and I never shared the same circle of friends. He always kept his friends seperate from me. Anyway, I have accepted that my exabf who is in recovery doesn't wish to be friends with me and that he may not have ever been a true friend at all. With regards to my other friends...I keep conversation related to what I am going through to when I am with my Al-Anon friends...my mtb friends don't always seem to understsand.