pineapple2007

Hi all I will try and keep this short.
back in May i broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months because of his drinking problem (he has been drinking for about 15 years to escap, he keeps a good job and is responsible financially). then I got back with him after 2 weeks and he ended up quitting when I got back with him… things were going good for about 1 and a half months. He was going through withdrawal and was cranky, moody, angry at the world, ETC. And I stool strong for him, listened to him, understood, was sensitive, denied my feelings for him…all to try to help him stay on the right path.
One weekendwe got into a little argument/disagreement in my office at work. He blew up and leaves my office saying “DO U WANT ME TO BRING YOU ALL YOUR STUFF??!?!” (stuff I have at his apartment) and I was just in shock.

Then I call him after 1 week of not speaking or ironing out the conflict and HE BREAKS UP WITH ME. He says "no its not because of the argument he was over that. Its because of how “messed up he is” And he cant handle a relationship right now because all that is happening in his life (HES QUITTING DRINKING/GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL). So why would he get rid of MEEE? I was the GOOD and positive thing in his life. I just don’t understand.

I don’t get it man. All his friends loved me too! They all loved the fact that I was with him because he needed someone positive like me to bring him up.
What the hell man. I just don’t UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!! What did I do wrong. All I did was try and help. And he leaves me feeling like a no body.

We had not spoken for a month June - July. I had a vacation to mexico all booked. I was going alone to get away from all the stress in my like and especially the breakup i am dealing with... just to refresh myself. and it turned out that while we were together..him and his friend booked a package going to the same place I was staying-they wanted to suprise me. then our seperation happend but there way no way he could cancel the vacation him and his friend planned. so he was stuck there with me on my vacation. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me . I was thrown back to square . It is the worse feeling ever and now it is something NEW I have to get over.....the shittest thing was that we got back home and were were still seperated.

That all happened 1 week ago. Now on tuesday i went to his place to give him the vacation pictures. It was offically the last time I will ever see him and it hurt so much. He kept trying to explain why he cannot be in a relationship.

During this meeting he couldnt stop talking about how the withdrawl makes him so paranoid. the sounds he hears on the tv trip him out. he tells me he is always scared. always anxious... and how he paces up and down his apartment... he explain exactly what he has been doing this past month. he says he just stays in his apartment trying to cope. he says every night at 9pm he thinks about the beer store and how he could make it before closing. (but he hasnt given in. only thinks about it). He said "his mind is messed up.... my mind is gone"
He explained : "think of a time in your life when you were really scared... you know that feeling, I have that all the time every day"
It really hurt to hear that. He explained how letting me go is something he HAS to do. and how he cannot give me the attention I need... he cannot be a proper boyfriend to me...he really cannot listen to my problems n stories and be there for me like a boyfriend should.

This week has been so hard for me. I am so sad and depressed and i feel like it is never going to go away.

I keep having obsessive thoughts about : how hes not getting proper treatment, and how i am not there to help him, how he is paining, how he is alone, how he is only going to be a "dry drunk" and will probably relaps, and how much i dont want that to happen to him. these thoughts wont stop. sometimes they get so deep i have panic attacks.
I just want what is best for him but I dont think he is quiting the right way . I told him to seek professional help(he has been for his depression) but he says "it wont work , I need to do this on my own" his attitude towards quitting this time (hes tried many many times) is just all wrong. He doesnt believe in God or anything positive. It upsets me so much . And I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head.

Had anyone ever gone through this? I just feel so alone. I am so upset that I cannot be in his life supporting him. I really need some support badly today... i really have noone else...

Barbara52

It sounds like he is trying to handle his situation in the way that works best for him. A valid choice for him. You don't have to like or agree with his choices of course. But if you can detach yourself a little bit, you might see that his pushing you away is really th ebest thing he can do for you and himself. Your words seem to say he is being honest with you, that he cannot be in a relationship. It might be wise to listen to him and accept his wishes.

If it were me, I'd several steps back and think about whether or not I really wanted to take responsibility for someone I haven't known long and who has caused such turmoil in my life.

denny57

Without saying "I love him," was he the good and positive thing in your life?

hbb

"It really hurt to hear that. He explained how letting me go is something he HAS to do. and how he cannot give me the attention I need... he cannot be a proper boyfriend to me...he really cannot listen to my problems n stories and be there for me like a boyfriend should."


Pineapple.....your situation is a mirror image of my situation, we were together 9 months he got sober after 3, left me saying he needed to be single and get his life together, granted there was more to my story but if you read my posts i'll guarantee you will see the simliarities. All i can say is i'm sorry for what your going through, Al Anon and therapy have helped me. Granted i'm having a tough week myself and it's only been a month for me but hang in there. This site has saved my life as well. Stick around here

LGLG07

((pineapple)) .. so sorry for what you are faced with .

It does seem hard to understand but why dont you read up as much as you can about the disease , you may be able to see this in a different light then .
I think he is doing whats best for himself and thats what he should be doing right now . Its actually whats best for you too even though its hard to imagine .

Hang in there , it will get better . I wouldnt worry too much about why he is doing this but instead respect his wishes

pineapple2007

thanks everyone...

hb, i want to read your story.

I am in a state of worry. You know what makes me so angry. before the trip i was fine. it had been a month with no contact.. and i was doing so well. i had no urges to call or contact, i was detached. so nicely too since I had a vacation coming up which WOULD HAVE BEEN A NICE KICKER. BUT NOW I AM A MESS. I AM SO ANGRY. EVERYTIME I THINK ABOUT IT. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.

NOW I think about calling every minute. I want to speak to him.. i want to see him. I just want to hear his voice. WHy was I knocked down so low. I am at the bottom ..... even when he initially broke up with me I was ok. for some reason I was ok. and i was having a quick recovery. but now. It is so bad.

pineapple2007

It is so hard to understand. I just want to know what he is feeling. I want to know that someone has gone through this, i want to know that this might be normal. How someone can just leave and not want support.........

pineapple2007

I actually have been reading about it. and trying to educate myself so i can understand better. but i want to understand him. I guess i just want to know what is going through his head.

I am so worried he might have developed some other psychological problem like an Anxiety disorder, or maybe even some form of schizophrenia..and i am so worried that he isnt getting treatment or tested for any of this so he might become worse... when will this worry END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I CANT DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM!!!!!!!!

Barbara52

Yes, it is normal what you are feeling. Absolutely! As for him just leaving and not wanting your support, it sounds to me as if he is trying to do what he can for himself. He is focusing on his own needs which is a healthy thing for him to do. Hurtful for you though. But it then becomes up to you to focus on yourself and do what you need to do for yourself and leave him behind.

hbb

You should look through my posts, it's extremely similar. Unfortunately for me, more unfolded as time went on but where you are is EXACTLY where i was 6/6. I've had minimal to no contact, we had it out on 7/4 and he called me that Sunday but since then (2 weeks) NO CONTACT. If i can say anything at all, no contact is the way to go. I"m not going to say it's easy or i haven't cried everyday still but he is slowly filling less and less of my head.

I'm sorry you had to experience a vacation like that, of all things, a planned vacation. That's really a tough thing, especially since you were a month in with your own recovery pm me anytime, i can do whatever i can to help you trust me, i have a current post that i'm misserable but just take one moment at a time ... hang in there Pineapple.....

So many people told me, we are dealing with an unhealthy mind, therefore we can't understand it because we are healthy.....

Barbara52

Those are important words. You are exactly right. You can't help him, only he can help himself. Just as only you can help yourself.

Why is it you feel such a need to help him? What is it that you think you can do that he cannot do for himself?

baggervance

Move on find someone who will appreciate you.This may be the best thing for you. You really dont want to spend your life with someone who's out doing the deal ask my wife.There's plenty good men find one who's not sick and you can be out having fun instead of dealing with us sicko's.

pineapple2007

Holy smokes. Thank you to everyone. I need this right now. I was posting on some other boards/websitse... and they were no help.

I just feel he needs someone positive and supportive. he says he sits in his apartment trying to cope. i dont think that is to wise. I always tried to do activites with him outdoors....but i guess he doesnt want that anymore. well maybe he does but he cannot handle the strings attached (a commited relationship). *sigh* but it leaves me so worried.

well hbb atleast u got a phone call!


hbb can you please give me the titles of ur very first post about your story?

Barbara52

It may or may not be. But it is his choice.

Think of it this way. By telling/thinking that he needs you around, you are denying him the chance to be fully adult, fully responsible for himself. I remember reading a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "I recognize you are your own person and will stop interfering with your right to run your own life."

Rella927

((PineApple))) Welcome to SR!

First of all you are the good and positive thing in your own life allow yourself to be there for yourself. Trying to fix him, guide him, is trust me a losing battle. They may or may not see on their own what needs to be done to get them out of the mess they created for themselves. Trying to help him it just will be a physical and emotional battle for yourself and trust me not worth the ride. IMHO

When I got to the place where I really wanted help, I went to Al-Anon and continued in my counseling paying attention this time. I learned that I was as powerless over my actions, emotions, and thoughts just as the alcoholic was powerless to stay away from drinking.

I was driven by my own fear and self delusion and honestly thought that I could change him when in reality I couldn't change things to make me ok and I couldn't seem to change the things that were going on around me how did I think that I could possibly change him? My life was unmangeable/and I was powerless! I needed to do something to change the way I reacted to things and most importantly take care of ME!

If you look at your situation and can truly say that you can change those things about him you are kidding yourself! Read some stickies at the top of the page and learn more about this disease-and remember that you are not alone! (((Hugs)))

There are people in Al-Anon and here in SR that are here for you and share with you their own stories-you can take what you want and leave the rest! But remember YOU are what is important!

hbb

Pineapple, if you click on my initials then go to "threads stared by hbb" it will bring all my personal ones up. You can start with "am i supporting the right way" and go from there. Let me just tell you, even though i'm so up and down, i really think these men and women in here are right and your better off getting YOU better sooner than later, i'm still at a crappy place and the fact that you were feeling better before your vacation is a great sign, wish i was that strong in the beginning.

p.s. the call i got was to drop off my stuff not the call i would have liked but just one more thing showing his true colors or lack there of....hang in there. They are right, there is nothing you can to do help him, i thought the same thing.

parentrecovers

it's nice to meet you, pineapple - glad you found us! blessings, k

pineapple2007

*sigh* that quote made me feel a crumb better. it is true i need to let him go off and do what HE thinks is right for HIM. who am i to interfer?
I am just really upset... maybe more of my anger is surrounding my vacation...and how much i planned and how it was totally ruined... and how it set me back so far in my tracks.

I really do want the best for him. and the last thing I left him with was an envelop that had a little note and a list of positive quotes. and i feel good about that.

but another thiing that is eating me up inside is hope. hopes that he might come back. it is so hard to let go of that hope too. #1 hope that he will come back after being sober for so long... or 2 he will come back after relapsing... this is really scary. i am also scared that i will give in during a weak moment and break no contact.

Cynay

Welcome to SR, Im pleased that you found us and being that you did find us that means that you are reaching out and trying... Congrads that is the first step.

I would strongly suggest Al-anon meetings... and at least 6 of them.. in the beginning they might feel uncomfortable. Al-anon will help you learn to be happy with or without your Alcoholic.

First I want to say that yes, I have been where you are... actually many times. Please believe me when I say that everything I share is from the heart, I use my ES&H ... and my experiences to try and give others a path is all ... I only say what I see that was real for me and the steps I took to become more healthy.

That quote is where I will start... you say you are all alone, and that you are so upset that you can not be in his life to support him.

Tell me... if you really look inside why is it that you are upset that he will not "let" you take care of him.... why do you think you need/want too. You dont have to be alone, even though I have no family around me I can go to an Al-anon/CoDA meeting and there are 20 people just like me, with the same stories, pain and concerns.... maybe you could reach out to them?

I was the best thing that happened to my ex-abf too. His parents, friends and people in his business told him that all the time. I took care of everything and was so supportive/loving. After 9 months of living together he also decided to get sober and that was the beginning of our ending. He did not want me as part of his life in recovery .... Then I was shattered.... today I see things so differently. Like you I had alot of opinions on how he "should" recover.... I was concerned about his relasp, being a dry drunk, the recovery program he choose, how he worked his recovery... etc. What I did not realize is that he did not "need/want" my help. How could I help him when I have no idea what being an alcoholic means? What I was actually doing was trying to run his life so that my needs of having him with me were met. Who am I to tell another how to live there lives? Worrying about him was my way of saying that he did not know how to run his own life... after all I dont worry about people that I feel have it together ... or what "I" think the together should be.

Your wrote:

It sounds to me like you are spending alot of time trying to figure him out, trust me when I say give it up,,,,, you wont get it ever. It is not your job to fix him sweetie and sounds like he is asking you to stop trying. If he tells you he can not be in a relationship...... believe him...... I know it hurts but it is probably the most loving thing he can do for you right now.

This is his disease and it is a bugger to fight.... He does not have anything to offer you and in fact would only be enabling your co-depenence by staying in a relationship. No contact is what worked for me ... along with Al-anon, CoDA, Theraphy, Open AA meetings, SR and a heck of a lot of reading.

Trust me when I say that a relationship with an alcohloic is not easy in any sense of the word.... if you are not right inside of your head and heart ... that type of relationship will eat you alive. I look forward to getting to know you and watching your recovery.... keep posting and know ........ your not alone.

pineapple2007

thank you so much for that Cynay.
It feels better to know someone has been in my situation before: a recovering drunk leaves their partner. because for a while i thought it was something i did specifically. or a cop out of the relationship... (some friends thought)

but during our last meeting he was very supportive in helping me understand his reasons for ending it and was very respectful... I could tell he was hurt by leaving me, but he knew it was best for him, and still wanted to be out of the relationship.

my vacation was for 1 week July 2nd-9th and the 10th was my bday. he called me and said he had a little gift. so i went to pick it up and when i got home i opened it. it was an envelop with $600.00 in it with a card that said "sorry about everything (the vacation) use this money to help towards going some place nice. I was so happy but sad at the same time. sad that he cares and loves me But we can't be together?!?!?!?!?!

who will help and encourage him now? I just worry that he is not going to recover because he isnt taking the right steps

I keep thinking that ..will he come back one day when he is better? or if he falls off the wagan will I be the first person he remembers and will he call me? did you have these thoughts to?...this is what is currently eating me up.