nina01

So my ah is home from rehab and has been saying such hurtful things. I have filed for divorce and the house is up for sale but just waiting for it all to be final. In the meantime he is back and I can't stand it. I try to go about my business when I am home but he comes near me and wants to talk. He tells me how he is not upset by all this happening like he thought he would be. He knows he can get just about anyone he wants and is sad that I am going to miss out on the best part of him now that is he sober. I can't stand listening to him go on and on about how wonderful he is and what a great life he is going to have now that he is away from me. He has told me it was a waste of time to be married to me. I know that none of this is true and I certainly am not believing him but it still hurts. I am not going on and on to him about anything I am doing in my life, just trying to keep to myself. I just don't know how I am going to be able to live in the same house with him until it's sold. I can't stand him and each time he opens his mouth it just reinforces the reasons why I am leaving.

I just needed to unload to people that have possibly been in the same situation and looking for advice on how to deal with this. I'm trying not to respond but some of the things he says just gets to me and I can't stop myself. Have to work on that.

Thanks for listening.

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.

By the Grace of my HP and people
like u here in SR I havent had a
drink of alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and u I am truely grateful.

Question nina...how long was ur
AH in rehab?

I certainly understand what u
r saying and i feel for you.

I myself went thru a 28 day
stay in rehab after my family
did an intervention on me.

My husband and i were married
about 7 yrs then with 2 small
kids 4 and 6.

My husband was very supportive
of me and my recovery program,
and he didnt mind me doing whatever
it took for me to stay sober.

Sure i went thru changes in my life,
my marriage....I had to in order
to stay sober....however...

When one person in the family
is sick with the disease of alcoholism
or drug addiction, then everyone
is affected.

That is why they have al-anon and
ala-teen...

When the family works recovery
together then the chances of them
staying together is much better.

Well....my spouse went to maybe
2 al-anon meeting to pick up
several words like dettachment and
felt like he had enough to take
care of himself....

However as i grew and changed
in recovery...he fell behind and the
result of that was not understanding
what happened to the girl he married....

We did stay married 25 yrs this past
June, but we have been separated
since Dec. only because i wanted to
return to my home town of Baton Rouge
and he wanted to stay in Houston....

Sure it saddens me that we have split after
all these yrs. But i am happier now in a place
i like to be. With my recovery family who do
understand me....

Today i still have a good relationship with
my husband,,,,even tho we r just separated
at the moment...i would hope that even after
the divorce becomes final that we will still
be friends....

Recovery is all about change ...a good change
as long as we stay sober a day at a time....

For you nina...its about taking care of
u today,,,as ur husband embarks on his
new recovery journey he will go thru
amazing changes....u can choose to
work along with him with help from
many wonderful people in al-anon as
well as AA ....

If not....dont blame urself for anything
because u r not at fault for the disease
of alcoholism....

Thanks for letting me share.

cinderellawkids

the words you describe coming out of his mouth are characteristic of my AH when not working on him and accepting his part in everything.

About the not responding part Ive often struggled with this myself. I found it easier to just your right Ill probably regret it. That usually shuts him up a bit.
I think your at the point where you know its more than just the substance and you just want out. Keep busy thats the best thing.

Why do you both have to stay there? Is there another way out?

MsPINKAcres

"Just because he says it doesn't make it true"

When the A's in my life decide to spout what they feel are their infinite words of wisdom, I try repeating to myself that first sentence "just because he says it, doesn't make it true".

For me, this takes the power out of his words - because that is all it is just words. Once I have said those words, usually it gives me the strength to detach physically nd emotionally -I can Leave the Room, take a walk, Go take a shower, go read a book, watch TV in the other room - just step away from him and his disease.
and
Take good care of ME.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

nina01

Why do you both have to stay there? Is there another way out?

I am staying because I don't want to leave the house. I am the one making sure it's clean for showings, etc., and I pay all the bills. I have asked him to leave since he is so excited about moving down to FL and starting a new life but he said he doesn't trust me to handle the real estate issues. It's just an excuse. I guess I would have to talk to my attorney to see what my options are.

He was only in a 28 day program and the program sounded very free. They had a lot of downtime and he was able to go to the beach, go fishing - sounded like a long vacation to me. I am attending Al Anon meetings for myself and reading everything I can get my hands on. I just want to get on with my life.

I stayed with a friend for a few days and when I got home last night one of my cats was dead. I think she had been for a while. When I left she was alive - she was sick, not saying he did anything, but it's just one more thing to deal with. It wasn't a good night last night.

Hoping for a better days ahead!!

parentrecovers

Nina wrote: I can't stand him and each time he opens his mouth it just reinforces the reasons why I am leaving.



It gets easier to detach. Just keep moving yourself forward, nina - one step at a time...blessings and hugs, k

cinderellawkids

His program sounds like ones my AH was in, well ones he didnt go MIA from anyway. Why? cause they were fun

hope213

sorry you are going thru all of this.maybe you can find a room mate or something & can move out while waiting for the house to sell.u did not say why u had to stay there.prayers,

krhea75

Nina,
You deserve someone who treats you better! Hoping you find a way out of the situation soon. You AH sounds like a jerk.
krhea

eaglesgirl

sounds to me like he is projecting his feelings and insecurities onto you...

He sees that you are getting on with YOUR life, preparing to move FORWARD with you life WITHOUT him, and it is freaking him out...

just another part of the addicts self-hatred, and them trying to make everyone else jsut as miserable

Ann

Nina, remember that the words are coming from a sick man who needs to blame someone and who needs to endlessly feed his own ego.

Of course none of his hurtful words are true, but your situation sounds ugly and I pray you come up with some way to get through this while waiting for the house to sell

Hugs

Wascally Wabbit

Don''t buy the part about him getting anyone he wants. He wouldn't be able to keep them around!!
Those hurtful things he says are his way of trying to have some kind of control over you, emotionally. He feels POWERFUL when he says ugly things.
Take his power away, and don't listen to it, and dont believe any of it either.
Hang in there, things will get better for you.

LoriFitz

my ex did the same thing to me. once i decided to leave him... he moved back with his parents and we talked on the phone. i read what your ex said to you... and i couldn't believe it!!! he kept saying... you'll be sorry you ever left me... now i'm sober and you're going to miss out. But i quickly learned that he had been using and had never stopped.

I am amazed at how much it helps knowing someone out there is in the same boat I am... stay strong... things only get better!!!! my life has done a full 360 since i left him. i have a drug free home... i am not angry, bitter or frustrated... i am actually happy (most of the time.... sometimes i think of things that get me down...)

whatever doesn't kill you... just makes you stronger!

finallyout

hi nina, i'm so sorry for the pain that you're going thru right now. I have to agree with everyone else that he is not really working on himself right now. my rah has been clean for 5 months and working his program and he certainly does not speak to me like that, in fact, the only time he ever spoke to me like that was right before or after using. it sounds like manipulation to me. stay strong, let it go in one ear and out the other. its not easy but detachment does help. i wish you the best.

greeteachday

I'm truly sorry for your pain, what a difficult situation. It sounds as if you thought about what you needed to do and I can certainly understand that. It makes sense to protect your home and attend to the sale. I really like the idea of just repeating to yourself that just because he says it doesn't mean it's true and getting out of the room or in some way away from him until you can feel calmer.

I'm so sorry aobut your cat...that must have been so difficult.

Sending prayers for continued strength and a speedy sale of your home! Hugs