BaldHeadedJohn

I know better. I know what alcohol does to me. But here I sit, drinking again.

I blew 3+ weeks of good sobriety over stupid, stupid problems.

It all started Saturday night. I have my boys on the weekend. Their mom has never failed to call them Sat. night. She didn't call. I had plans to drop them off Sunday morning between 11:00 and 11:30, and fix her kitchen sink. Got there, no one was home. At this point, I'm worried sick. I'm ready to call the police, hospitals, because I don't know where she is or what happened. I bring the boys back to my house, and send them to their room so I can make some phone calls. Turns out everything is fine. She forgot to call the boys Sat. night, and we just crossed some wires on Sunday timing. OK. Got her sink fixed. I bought the materials and we called it even on babysitting money. I'm supposed to get a pan of her wonderful stuffed shells this weekend. I really miss her cooking!

And then at work, at very nice sensor I designed and fought for that works perfectly on the test bench doesn't work in the machine. Too much electrical noise. I feel like an idiot. There's no time to redesign it. The only thing I'm real passionate about (electronics) and am proud of doesn't freaking work like I thought it would. Other things I've designed work very well.

Why am I so fixated on one failure instead of the many, many other things I've done that are good?

WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF?? WHY DO I KEEP SCREWING THINGS UP??

Sorry to b!tch. I'm at a complete loss right now.

BHJ

BaldHeadedJohn

Why is that the most important things I have (two wonderful kids, a good job, a nice relationship with the ex-wife, my health, my finances, my responsibility to others), why does that all disappear so quick? What the h3ll is wrong with me??

Am I really powerless over just booze? Why have I become addicted? I never meant to. Everything else I can handle. Why do I keep messing up?

Rowan

Hi John,

I can relate. To relapse, to perfectionism, to seeing only what I do wrong.

You had over 3 weeks of sobriety, and you can start over. Right now. The booze will numb things for a while, as I'm sure you're experiencing, but it'll wear off and you'll need to deal with things i.e. your design at work, miscommunication with others, etc.

Don't beat yourself up over any of it. You're human, and a good person.

Rowan

GlassPrisoner

I wish I had your problems

I'm a carless single Dad of teenage daughters, working temp hoping the company will bring me on.

I'll tell you what though, I don't lose sleep over it. I've got a good program (AA), and that's made all the difference.

BaldHeadedJohn

How do I tell my sponsor?

I've been going to meetings, I've been doing what he tells me. I read the Big Book. I talk to people. I just don't understand it. I know there's a physiological component to this. I thought that was over after the initial withdraw. I guesss the psycological component is the one that's going to bite me in the @ss.

Spiritual Seeker

How do your tell sponsor-honestly, then listen, follow directions, and start over. Don't worry about yesterday. You can be sober today, Get the support from your sponsor.

Rowan

How do you tell your sponsor? Easy. Pick up the phone. Meet him at a meeting. Get your desire chip, and start over.

Powerlessness - isn't always easy to understand. But, as alcoholics, we have learned to use alcohol as a way of coping with life. We haven't learned how to really face difficulties. And even though a bit of time had passed, the disease of alcoholism lies in wait for a time when you are feeling weak/stressed etc. In time you will learn different ways of coping, and perhaps you will call your sponsor before you drink - should you feel this way again (and you may will!).

Alcohol is the one thing you can't have in this world - look around at everything you can have.

BaldHeadedJohn

Rowan-
You hit the nail on the head. Instead of saying 'Oh poor me', I should have looked at the good things that happened in the past 3 weeks. I loved taking my kids out for ice cream and a movie. I actually enjoyed spending time with the ex. As silly as it may seem, I do consider her among my best friends.

It's time to get my $hit together. I've been journaling- time to read the damn thing!!

BaldHeadedJohn

Thank you all. It's becoming clear that I don't know sh!t from applebutter (one of my granny's favorite sayings).

Tomorrow is a new day. I'll start there.

All my love,
BHJ

Rowan

Just don't be too hard on yourself. Perspective is always good, though.

Keep posting, John, let us know how you are doing. I think it's wonderful that you have such a positive relationship with your ex - it will make a world of difference to the kids.

BaldHeadedJohn

Yes, it has. It was sort of touch-and-go there for a few months. At least I've learned not to say bad things about their mom. H3ll, most of it wouldn't be true anyway. She's a wonderful person. Sorry I didn't see that sooner. But I know she's there for me, and I'm there for her. Provided I'm sober. And now, well... I don't know.

We were supposed to go see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend. I don't think she'll want to go now, once she find out I screwed up again.

Aysha

Queen of relapse here.
Wish I had the answers.
You have given me some really good advice the past few days.
So take it from yourself.
Just try again.
We all slip. Just take with you lessons learned.
Thinking of you.

Spiritual Seeker

YUM, applebutter sounds good, I haven't had that since I was a kid visiting grandma. i think I will see if they sell it at Trader Joes

Aysha

OOOOh I have apple butter in my fridge. I forgot...Toast time

CarolD

Hi John...Mega Hugs

I was also in AA and I did keep drinking.
4 years...up & down...in & out...
geez! I just could not understand WHY.

Then I read "Under The Influence"
I took that info ... Re newed my AA
Connected back to my God

And have not had another drink...

Here is the link to excerpts from "Under"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Blessings to you and your family

Rowan

Stay sober for the movie, John, it's good - daughter and I saw it this afternoon.

BaldHeadedJohn

So I'm starting over. I shouldn't beat myself up over it. I know. It's hard for me though. I guess I have very high expectations of my self, probably unreasonably high. That might be why I magnify the little stuff so much. And the little failures take on such huge proportions.

I brought my journal to work today. I know I've got a few things to add to it.

I don't know if I got complacent, cocky, too sure of myself? I think that's what bothers me most right now. I really don't know why it happened. It amazes me how distorted the alcoholic mind can be. But I'll start today over. Maybe I'll even start taking some of my own advice.

How many of you have done the 90 in 90? Does that work? It certainly can't hurt.

Thanks for all your support.

BHJ

CarolD

When I started this round of AA sobriety
I went to AA daily for over a year.

My favorite meeting was before work
and it made my day smoother.

On weekends...I did go to several different
groups and that is when the fellowship
kicked in for me.

Glad to see you are getting back on track

Rusty Zipper

BHD perhaps its because you might be a Alcoholic!

pack the brain bags, and pick up the pieces BHD...

all good wishes...

xxoo, zip

parentrecovers

welcome back to recovery! blessings, k