NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hey all,

Question. I've been looking for a sponsor. I'm finding it difficult. Some background:

I"m currently in a committed lesbian relationship. I'm divorced. I feel much more comfortable around the men in the rooms, there is one man who i greatly admire. Long sobriety, kids, divorced, see him at tons of meetings..

What's the feeling about a man sponsoring a woman? Should I stick with women?

Thanks for the feedback

Karen

CarolD

Have you read
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"?

It's the official AA guideline.

In my experience and observation...
it is best to have a sponsor of the same sex.
Especially to share on personal problems.

Why complicate your recovery?

Blessings

Solitaire

As I understand it, the idea behind same-sex sponsorship is to avoid any kind of sexual charge or interest in the sponsor-sponsee relationship. So in your case, that could be an argument for having an opposite-sex sponsor. I know a long-sober lesbian who credits her male sponsor as having helped her stay sober. I also know gay people with same-sex sponsors.

Seems to me that being comfortable with someone is important, and if that points to a male sponsor, so be it. I assume he knows that you're a lesbian? That whole sexual attraction thing needs to be off the table for both of you

Are there any gay AA meetings in your area? There are a few around my area in New Jersey. You might get some perspective at such a meeting.

Midas

The general guideline is to have a sponsor of the same gender. I agree with Solitaire. For people who are same-gender oriented, the opposite rule should then apply.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Thanks guys. I am examining my motives for this question. Not sure if its another excuse. Wouldn't hurt to find a woman sponsor, just get to it, and see what happens. i can always find someone else if it doesn't work right?

Rowan

I wouldn't think the same-sex suggestion applies in your case, Merlot.

And yes, you can always ask someone to sponsor you temporarily until you find someone you wish to stick with.

NoelleR

Hey merlotmamma ---

Good question....as a lesbian woman (I just luv rendundancy...lol), I got sober at Lambda---the gay AA club here in Houston.

After a few meetings, reading some of the BB, listening intently at metings when this topic was brought up, and thoroughly reading the AA pamphlet re: Sponsorship, I decided to go with what felt right. I know most will tell you that in early recovery your 'picker' is broke, but that was one of, what I like to call, the 'negatives' in AA, and I simply didn't buy into it; it was demeaning; it was nonsense; it was a nonissue. I was in dire need of sobriety and not interested in anything else from ANYONE, and anyone who might be interested in me.....? Well, I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with them; their 'picker' was definitely defective, or more than likely, they were....lol

There were a couple of folks (specifically one male and one female) I admired, so I asked them both; the male declined (too many commitments at the time), but the woman accepted....and it was a perfect fit for this newcomer in recovery.... (o: Later in my recovery, when I found I was in need of a sponsor once more (I know most folks say to pick a sponsor who has and uses his/her sponsor, BUT I believe as the pamphlet says: sponsors are for NEWCOMERS, and personally, I wouldn't want a person for my sponsor if he/she still considered himself/herself to be a newcomer), as I was embarking on a phase in recovery that was 'new' to me......and this time I found the perfect man (at least perfect for the situation, and this lesbian).....lol

I hope this helped some.....and didn't bore y'all to tears...lol ... But it fun for me; remembering the good ole days..... (o:

NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86

P.S. I just luv yer nic....reminds me of Brenda Leigh Johnson (The Closer).... (o:

P.P.S Sooooooo...my suggertion.....? go with yer gut..... (o:

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Thanks Noelle. I shared my lack of proactiveness (not a real word I guess lol)in my step meeting last night..got a lot of knowing nods and "keep coming".

I'm gonna pick up the phone today and call a woman who gave me her number oh, bout a month ago. Just gonna ask her.

We don't have hardly any GLBT meetings around here..wish that we had more.

teej

yep, my opinion would be to do what feels right for you.

Jersey Nonny

I tend to agree with Noelle...particularly since, in early sobriety, I had two sponsors with years of good, solid program...figured I needed all the help I could get! Yup...a male and a female, both of whom were gay. Neither had been married, nor had children...I was straight, married and divorced twice, three grown kids...the one thing we had in common was a desire not to drink (the only requirement for AA membership). I've had a few different sponsors since then; but, 27 years later, I can say that what might have appeared to be an unorthodox sponsorship worked very well for me.