They won't grow up!
I'm no angel!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
They won't grow up!
I actually saved this article because of my Dad, ever trying to control me. However, since so many Mom's and Dad's are struggling with letting go, I thought it might be a good read.
They Won't Gow Up
by Dr. Mark Hannemann
I counseled with a young man who had lost his way. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he had never really found his way. While he is married and has a child, that has not really created for him a more settled and established place in life and in the world. He is still struggling. He raised an interesting question in one of our sessions that I am still pondering. He wondered why it is in our contemporary culture that there seems to be an unwritten rule or expectation that once you turn 18 or finish high school that you automatically leave home (or are kicked out). He went to college, not because he wanted to, but because it was expected of him. He got married and had a baby, not necessarily because he truly wanted to, but because it seemed like the next thing he was supposed to do. If it were up to him he would have stayed home a while longer to try to get things figured out.
Every child is different. Some are ready to leave home before 18 and some may not seem like they are going to be ready to leave home...ever. Prior to the age of industrialization, it was common in America for children to stay close to home. We weren't such a highly mobile society in those days. Multiple generations residing in one household was not unusual. Children sticking around and working on the family farm or in the family business was fairly typical. In many parts of the world, this is still the way it is. Some cultures within our American culture don't seem to have a problem with multiple generation households, or at least living in close proximity to family members. My dad grew up on a farm in South Dakota a mile down the road from a Hutterite colony. That community would rather their kids not leave home when they grow up. But that's another story.
As a parent I want my children to grow up to be independent, well adjusted (whatever that means), confident, capable, loving, caring, contributing, forgiving, faithful and faith filled people. I don?t want them to be me or be controlled by me. I want them to be able to depend on me but not be entirely dependent on me. I want them to be differentiated from me. I want them to be able to stand alone. I want them to be able to figure things out on their own and fight most of their own battles. I want them to take what was or is good about our family life and incorporate those things into their lives and relationships. I want them to learn from what wasn't so good and to avoid those unhelpful and unhealthy patterns of living and relating.
Parents who have a tendency to be over involved, overprotective, controlling or overindulgent need to know that this approach to raising kids has consequences. There was a special report on TV recently that showed parents going with their adult children on job interviews and to job fairs, scheduling those interviews, and even calling companies and reading them the riot act for not hiring their son or daughter. A recent article on Forbes.com spoke of today's younger generation as the most managed generation in history. Parents that engage in this kind of behavior are now being referred to as "Helicopter Parents" for how they hover over their children.
There is a reason why mommy and daddy birds push baby birds out of the nest. If they don't the baby birds will get comfortable in the nest, won't want to leave and won't learn to fly. Flying is good for baby birds. Too much hovering by mommy and daddy birds is not good for baby birds.
They Won't Gow Up
by Dr. Mark Hannemann
I counseled with a young man who had lost his way. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he had never really found his way. While he is married and has a child, that has not really created for him a more settled and established place in life and in the world. He is still struggling. He raised an interesting question in one of our sessions that I am still pondering. He wondered why it is in our contemporary culture that there seems to be an unwritten rule or expectation that once you turn 18 or finish high school that you automatically leave home (or are kicked out). He went to college, not because he wanted to, but because it was expected of him. He got married and had a baby, not necessarily because he truly wanted to, but because it seemed like the next thing he was supposed to do. If it were up to him he would have stayed home a while longer to try to get things figured out.
Every child is different. Some are ready to leave home before 18 and some may not seem like they are going to be ready to leave home...ever. Prior to the age of industrialization, it was common in America for children to stay close to home. We weren't such a highly mobile society in those days. Multiple generations residing in one household was not unusual. Children sticking around and working on the family farm or in the family business was fairly typical. In many parts of the world, this is still the way it is. Some cultures within our American culture don't seem to have a problem with multiple generation households, or at least living in close proximity to family members. My dad grew up on a farm in South Dakota a mile down the road from a Hutterite colony. That community would rather their kids not leave home when they grow up. But that's another story.
As a parent I want my children to grow up to be independent, well adjusted (whatever that means), confident, capable, loving, caring, contributing, forgiving, faithful and faith filled people. I don?t want them to be me or be controlled by me. I want them to be able to depend on me but not be entirely dependent on me. I want them to be differentiated from me. I want them to be able to stand alone. I want them to be able to figure things out on their own and fight most of their own battles. I want them to take what was or is good about our family life and incorporate those things into their lives and relationships. I want them to learn from what wasn't so good and to avoid those unhelpful and unhealthy patterns of living and relating.
Parents who have a tendency to be over involved, overprotective, controlling or overindulgent need to know that this approach to raising kids has consequences. There was a special report on TV recently that showed parents going with their adult children on job interviews and to job fairs, scheduling those interviews, and even calling companies and reading them the riot act for not hiring their son or daughter. A recent article on Forbes.com spoke of today's younger generation as the most managed generation in history. Parents that engage in this kind of behavior are now being referred to as "Helicopter Parents" for how they hover over their children.
There is a reason why mommy and daddy birds push baby birds out of the nest. If they don't the baby birds will get comfortable in the nest, won't want to leave and won't learn to fly. Flying is good for baby birds. Too much hovering by mommy and daddy birds is not good for baby birds.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Dolly, I definitely was, and still am to a certain extent, guilty of being a helicopter parent. Thanks for the article. I keep needing to remember that my daughter needs to learn to fly on her own, no matter how many times she hits that brick wall. Hugs, Marle
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I first read the title and I thought it might be about how to get your PARENTS to grow up! 
I was so hoping Dolly! See what expectations can do????
Good article.. I am going to send it to a few people I know.
I was so hoping Dolly! See what expectations can do????Good article.. I am going to send it to a few people I know.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Dolly, that is so true, it fits me. I've come to the point that I can push them out of the nest, but when I see them plumeting to the ground, I sweep under them because I can't stand to see them hurt. But getting hurt is what helps them, otherwise they just get a good thrill ride down knowing mom will catch them. Heck people pay for rides like that!
SO what I as a parent am trying to practice is when they go over the edge for that fall, is to close my eyes and pray.
B
SO what I as a parent am trying to practice is when they go over the edge for that fall, is to close my eyes and pray.
B
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
