relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 112
relapse
hi all - i havent posted here in a long time..i usually post on the substance abuse forum since i am a recovering addict (21 months clean from crack)...
anyway, my husband who is also a recovering crack addict had 17 months clean - until thursday night. we were at a restaurant, he left me there and never came back. i got a ride home from a friend and tracked him down and brought him home. he had only spent $80 and was gone for about 4 hours...2 and a half hours of that was time spent waiting for the AAA guy to come and fix his tire..which sounds like a load of crap, but its true, i saw the car and the AAA guy. so, all and all, as far as relapses go, it wasnt terrible. but it was still a relapse and i am in total shock. i had really begun to trust him and hardly ever thought about this happening. i wasnt prepared. things were going so well and then BOOM...total chaos.
since this has happened, he has been really upset - crying, begging me to stay, saying all the typical things that i thought i would never hear from him again. i have told him my side of it and he says he understand but i just simply dont trust him anymore.
anyway, i guess i just needed to share. this has been eating me up inside..im totally depressed, angry, scared...and mostly unsure if i should stay or go. we have a 14 month old daughter together and i will not let her get hurt by this crap. i refuse to put her through the same pain and anguish that i have gone through with him.
thanks for reading. sorry this is so long.
anyway, my husband who is also a recovering crack addict had 17 months clean - until thursday night. we were at a restaurant, he left me there and never came back. i got a ride home from a friend and tracked him down and brought him home. he had only spent $80 and was gone for about 4 hours...2 and a half hours of that was time spent waiting for the AAA guy to come and fix his tire..which sounds like a load of crap, but its true, i saw the car and the AAA guy. so, all and all, as far as relapses go, it wasnt terrible. but it was still a relapse and i am in total shock. i had really begun to trust him and hardly ever thought about this happening. i wasnt prepared. things were going so well and then BOOM...total chaos.
since this has happened, he has been really upset - crying, begging me to stay, saying all the typical things that i thought i would never hear from him again. i have told him my side of it and he says he understand but i just simply dont trust him anymore.
anyway, i guess i just needed to share. this has been eating me up inside..im totally depressed, angry, scared...and mostly unsure if i should stay or go. we have a 14 month old daughter together and i will not let her get hurt by this crap. i refuse to put her through the same pain and anguish that i have gone through with him.
thanks for reading. sorry this is so long.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Grateful
First, congrats on your clean time. Give yourself a hug for that! I am sorry that your husband relapsed. You have the tools to get through this; one day at a time. It will be hard to trust him anytime soon. Stay strong and do what you know is good for you and your daughter. Thanks for posting.
Terri
First, congrats on your clean time. Give yourself a hug for that! I am sorry that your husband relapsed. You have the tools to get through this; one day at a time. It will be hard to trust him anytime soon. Stay strong and do what you know is good for you and your daughter. Thanks for posting.
Terri
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Wow, 21 months, congratulations. I would say to do what you need to do to protect your sobriety and your daughter. It is really sad when a relapse occurs, but you know that it does happen. Sending some hugs and prayers for you, your husband and your daughter. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 112
thank you both for replying..i am sitting here in tears just waiting to talk to someone. you are both right - i know i need to protect my daughter and do whats right but i guess i dont know whats right anymore. i dont have that crystal ball that i sooo badly need. if it happens again i dont have a choice, im gone for my sake and for hers..but i dont know if i can wait around to see if it happens again. does that make sense? i dont want my daughter to grow up without her father - she loves him so much - and until thursday, she was the only person in his life that has never known him as an addict. she was his clean slate, his angel, the only one in the entire world that ever trusts him 100%. how can i take her away from him because im not sure if this will happen again? i feel so terrible...i dont want this to happen. i cant believe it did happen. i hate drugs.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Congratulations on being clean. Sorry you are going thru this. So sorry you are hurting.
YOu are doing what you need to do for your daughter and for yourself. You know that.
I am here offering support for your decision and to let you know I surely do understand the tears. I have shed plenty of my own.
YOu are doing what you need to do for your daughter and for yourself. You know that.
I am here offering support for your decision and to let you know I surely do understand the tears. I have shed plenty of my own.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Congradulations on the clean time!! Crack is a beast of a drug. Sometimes relapse is part of recovery they say. Maybe he will feel so bad that he will realize that he doesn't want to go back to that life. I know the disappointment you feel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 112
thank you - i know they say that relapse is a part of recovery, but i guess ive never been a real believer in that. i never relapsed...once i found out that we were going to be parents i did everything i could to never ever use again. i know it happens and its much more common for a person to relapse than to not, but i just cant believe it happened. my husband used to say that he would NEVER be a dad that chose drugs over his family and would get so upset when he heard about something like that.
something else im struggling with - i dont know whether to tell his parents about this. they are aware of his addiction and have been great supporters of his recovery..i dont want to break their hearts or make them worry (which i know they would) but i do feel like everyone that could possibly be a good influence on him should know that we need them now. anyone have any advice?
something else im struggling with - i dont know whether to tell his parents about this. they are aware of his addiction and have been great supporters of his recovery..i dont want to break their hearts or make them worry (which i know they would) but i do feel like everyone that could possibly be a good influence on him should know that we need them now. anyone have any advice?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
(((grateful girl))))) congratulations on your clean time.i am proud of you. welcome to our side but i am sorry you had to come.does your husband go to f.t.f. meetings? i am a true believer that you have to go to meetings in order to stay clean.my son is my addict & i can say that as long as he was going to meetings that he was clean. i saw his friends go & stop also & then get high. i can not tell you to leave him.you will know when & if that time comes. just sending prayers for you both.stay strong.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
wow, you're in a tough spot. You've already shown that you are a strong woman by beating your own addiction. Use that strength to help you decide what to do next. Just take one step, one action, that's all you have to do right now. God love you for caring so much about that little girl.
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Congratulations on your clean time!!! That is so great!! On the other hand, will staying with him now compromise your cleanliness? How about your daughter's safety? How about a stable home life for her? I hope you make the right decision for her and you. You know in your heart what to do.
(((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
21 months that's great Congratulations !! An good for you for wanting to protect your child for the drug lifestyle. As for your husband well only you can decide, only advice I have is if you do decide to give him another chance, don't make a habit of it.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
congrats on your recovery time. time well spent I might add.
You have the tools and so does he for recovery, you'll figure out what to do for yourself and your daughter.
good luck
You have the tools and so does he for recovery, you'll figure out what to do for yourself and your daughter.
good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Congrats on the 21 months! You have the tools to cope with this. Just remember, all that you have to do today is to stay clean. You don't have to make any other decisions. Your head is in the right place - of course you are sad, scared, and upset. Thank God that you got the information though - more was revealed. This is an opportunity to take a look at what wasn't working for him in his recovery. Remember, it has to come from within. He just wasn't done. Maybe he is this time. If he isn't then you still will be fine. Drugs do suck....living in insanity sucks worse. Abusing drugs is insane.
Keep taking care of yourself and your baby. I have to remember not to get sucked into the vortex. It's waiting for me and I have to stay spiritually fit to stay physically and emotionally sober.
Good luck! Donna
Keep taking care of yourself and your baby. I have to remember not to get sucked into the vortex. It's waiting for me and I have to stay spiritually fit to stay physically and emotionally sober.
Good luck! Donna
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Congratulations on your 21 months...that's wonderful and you sound so committed to your recovery and your little one. I'm so sorry you are feeling th ehurt an ddisappointment of a relapse...I hope he will continue to blow on and learn from the experience.
One of the great phrases i've learned in Naranon is when in doubt, do nothing. It's really helped. I awlays felt that if there was a problem, I had to fix it and had to fix it immediatley. Now I am learning to take my time to listen to that quiet inner voice and not feel pressured. It does not sound as if you or your child is in an unsafe postion, so I would suggest taking measures to protect youself financially, just in case and give yourself time to decide what is best for you.
My personal view on telling his parents is that can wait too. If this is a slip, it's his decision to tell or not tell. If it is more, than you may in time want to let them know to protect themselves too. Hugs and prayers.
i know i need to protect my daughter and do whats right but i guess i dont know whats right anymore.
One of the great phrases i've learned in Naranon is when in doubt, do nothing. It's really helped. I awlays felt that if there was a problem, I had to fix it and had to fix it immediatley. Now I am learning to take my time to listen to that quiet inner voice and not feel pressured. It does not sound as if you or your child is in an unsafe postion, so I would suggest taking measures to protect youself financially, just in case and give yourself time to decide what is best for you.
My personal view on telling his parents is that can wait too. If this is a slip, it's his decision to tell or not tell. If it is more, than you may in time want to let them know to protect themselves too. Hugs and prayers.
Peace Hope Love
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 72
Congrats on your 21 months! Heal yourself! That is all I can say. I pray someday my son can have 21 months clean and know that each day clean is another postive day in his life. Thanks so much for reinforcing the knowledge that peopel do have the courage and the tenacity to get clean. You are worth it, your baby is worth it. Your husband is worth it - but he needs to know that for himself. The hardest thing for me to learn has been that I am not the little tin god that will propel my son into sobriety. I pray without ceasing and let him have the dignity to make his own choices and to reap the benefits (+ / -) of those decisions. You are in my prayers./m
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
First congratulations, crack is a beast to overcome, so you are already a winner.......But you are between a rock and a hard place.......you already know your first priority is to your child and yourself....Like some of the others said make sure, take your time, because any move you make or don't make should be what you feel in your heart and mind that you can live with......You say you tracked him down and brought him home.....so I know that you are aware that the decision to stop and come home was yours, not his......What do you think would have happened if you had not done this and is this something you want to continue to do......
You know his parents better than we do, so this must be your decision......If you stay and you have talked to them....this could be another problem between the two of you.......Sleep on it, as my Mom used to tell me, and when you are calm and rested....you will reach deep within and make the right choice......
Stay well
You know his parents better than we do, so this must be your decision......If you stay and you have talked to them....this could be another problem between the two of you.......Sleep on it, as my Mom used to tell me, and when you are calm and rested....you will reach deep within and make the right choice......
Stay well
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 112
hi everyone -
thank you so much for all your responses. i have had a really "up and down" day today. it was hard to see all the families at church - the loving dads, the happy wives, etc...i know that i have no idea whats actually going on behind closed doors in their families, but from the outside looking in - it felt like i was all alone. like i was the only one wondering how to deal with a drug addict...granted its more likely that i was in fact not alone at all - but you guys get what i mean...
just for today - i know exactly what you mean...i have thought about it and said it to him that he would not have stopped if i had not stopped him. but, in the past, he has run from me - literally - on foot, in the car...just to continue to get high. this night, he saw me before i saw him and he pulled over and got out of his car immediately..so it was a little bit different. im sure if i had not gone looking for him, he would have been out all night - maybe all the next day.
anyway, greeteachday, thank you so much for the advice to not do anything. i am exactly how you described yourself - a fixer...and this is the 1st time in a long time that i have no idea how to fix something. as of right now, i have decided to not do anything..just wait and see how it turns out, how i feel tomorrow, how hes doing, etc.
my husband and i have talked a lot again today and he has said that he wants to go to a therapist. he has a lot of guilt and shame issues he has ignored for a long time and i think if he can find someone that he trusts and can talk to, maybe it will help.
finally, tropikgal2, i feel 100% confident in my sobriety. i know that sounds impossible but its true and i have and continue to take it as seriously as i did when i was just 1 day clean. i will never let anyone compromise my clean time - no one CAN compromise my clean time.
again, thanks to all of you. thank God you are here.
thank you so much for all your responses. i have had a really "up and down" day today. it was hard to see all the families at church - the loving dads, the happy wives, etc...i know that i have no idea whats actually going on behind closed doors in their families, but from the outside looking in - it felt like i was all alone. like i was the only one wondering how to deal with a drug addict...granted its more likely that i was in fact not alone at all - but you guys get what i mean...
just for today - i know exactly what you mean...i have thought about it and said it to him that he would not have stopped if i had not stopped him. but, in the past, he has run from me - literally - on foot, in the car...just to continue to get high. this night, he saw me before i saw him and he pulled over and got out of his car immediately..so it was a little bit different. im sure if i had not gone looking for him, he would have been out all night - maybe all the next day.
anyway, greeteachday, thank you so much for the advice to not do anything. i am exactly how you described yourself - a fixer...and this is the 1st time in a long time that i have no idea how to fix something. as of right now, i have decided to not do anything..just wait and see how it turns out, how i feel tomorrow, how hes doing, etc.
my husband and i have talked a lot again today and he has said that he wants to go to a therapist. he has a lot of guilt and shame issues he has ignored for a long time and i think if he can find someone that he trusts and can talk to, maybe it will help.
finally, tropikgal2, i feel 100% confident in my sobriety. i know that sounds impossible but its true and i have and continue to take it as seriously as i did when i was just 1 day clean. i will never let anyone compromise my clean time - no one CAN compromise my clean time.
again, thanks to all of you. thank God you are here.
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